For the past week or so, we've had this "Stoner Sidekick Quiz" ad over on the right side of our page, where you can win a TV or a PS3. The good people at Land of the Lost also asked us to write something about smoking weed, which got us thinking...and smoking weed...and eating a lot of food.
Eating food when you're stoned is like having a thousand orgasms in your mouth all at once (maybe I worded that incorrectly), and during our extensive research sessions in preparation for this article, we discovered a collection of foods that we feel stimulate the stoned palate more than any other delicacy on earth. These, in our opinion, are the 7 Best Foods to Eat When You're Stoned:
1. Pop Tarts
For most of us, Pop Tarts are the foundation of our understanding of what a pastry is. You can pop them in the toaster for a simultaneously crispy and gooey treat, or you can eat them raw, right out of the thin aluminum wrapper, just like the astronauts eat! The extensive variety of Pop Tart flavors can appeal to nearly any taste, whether it be the traditional Cherry, S'mores-flavored, or even the brown sugar ones with the diahrrea-colored frosting. They also come in two-packs, and there's nothing better when you're high than suddenly remembering you actually have twice as much food as you thought you did.
The Super-Special Recipe: For a real flavor kick, try toasting a couple of Pop Tarts, and then spreading butter on them while they're piping hot. The butter will melt into the frosting and create an unfathomable concoction of goodness.
2. Sonic's Chili-Cheese Tater Tots
Anyone who's fortunate enough to live near a Sonic Drive-In can verify that Sonic's regular menu is basically a Stoner Paradise, but their Chili-Cheese Tater Tots are easily the top contender. They're reasonably priced, so that you can get about 5 orders of these puppies before you're even approaching the price of a normal fast food meal, and the dish contains three stoner staples: chili, cheese, and tater tots, a flavor combination that kicks you in the face like the love-child of a rabid kangaroo and the physical manifestation of awesomeness.
The Super-Special Recipe: Throw a handful of Fritos (or Chili-Cheese Fritos, if you're feeling extra bold) into the mix for an added crunchiness and a little bit of a salty flavor that might make you pass out from sheer mouth ecstasy.
3. Late Night Jalapeno Popper Doritos
The most amazing thing about this flavor of Doritos is that they actually taste exactly like jalapeno poppers late at night. I don't know how it's possible, but the people at Doritos (who have to be high all the time) have really outdone themselves this time. There's another flavor in the Doritos "Late Night" collection, called Taco Stand or something like that. That one is pretty good, too, but the jalapeno poppers are so tasty they'll make your balls tingle a little bit, and the best part is that they're incredibly easy to find when you're stumbling through the grocery store, blazed out of your mind and looking for something to munch on; they'll be the only product on the chip aisle that's in a black bag with neon light lettering on it. Well-played, Doritos, well-played.
The Super Special Recipe: Two words: QUESO DIP.
4. Bagel Bites
Bagel Bites are easily in the top five greatest inventions of the century. It goes: bikinis, television, video games, rubbermaid furniture, and Bagel Bites. They're adorably bite-sized, packed full of flavor and texture, and you can get a box of thirty of these little buggers at your local grocery store for under $10. That means that you and three of your closest friends can enjoy a feast of nearly 100 Bagel Bites for around $8 each. Throw in some XBox and some late-night internet porn (after your friends leave, of course) and you've got the recipe for a great night.
The Super-Special Recipe: Remember that half of a jar of pasta sauce that's just sitting in your fridge? Well, it will compliment Bagel Bites perfectly.
5. Gatorade
Y'know those soap commercials on TV, where it shows the guy sniffing the soap and then he suddenly gets hit in the face with spring water, or snow, or whatever else can be used as an analogy for freshness, and then it comes back to the guy in the store, and he makes a face like, "Woah, that's fresh!" and then he puts the soap in his cart? Well, imagine if that commercial was in 3-D, because that's what it's like to drink Gatorade when you're high. It doesn't matter what flavor you choose, your Gatorade is going to taste awesome. Maybe it's the electrolytes. Maybe it's the subtle fruity goodness. Maybe it's the cool shaped bottle...or maybe it's all part of Gatorade's devious little plan to-- no, on second thought, it's probably the electrolytes.
The Super-Special Recipe: Gatorade pops, anyone? Try pouring some gatorade into a cup and leaving it in the freezer for a couple of hours to make delicious gatorade popsicles. You can try putting a stick in them when their partially frozen, but you'd better try that before you start smoking, because it'll be way too complicated when you're high. Otherwise, just let it freeze and eat it with a spoon.
6. Jack In The Box's Taco Nachos
Somewhere deep within the bowels of Jack in the Box's headquarters, there's a super-blazed kid sitting in a room somewhere, and a bunch of scientists keep bringing strange concoctions of food into him and saying "How does this taste? Is it good? Would you buy it?". Of course, the kid is super-blazed, so he says yes to everything, and that's why you can go to Jack in the Box and get a hamburger, or tacos, or egg rolls, or a teriyaki bowl, or a breakfast chicken sandwich at any hour of the day. The undisputed champion of Jack in the Box's incredibly stoner-friendly menu is, without a doubt, their new Taco Nachos. Basically, they've taken a bunch of their tacos (already a tried-and-true stoner favorite), dumped a bucket-full of nacho cheese on them, and garnished it with jalapenos and BACON. This one is going to hurt on the way out, but going in, it'll be pure bliss.
The Super-Special Recipe: Just add Hot Sauce.
7. Hawaiian Shave Ice
I used to work at a Shave Ice stand in Arizona. About 75% of the customers on any given day were clearly stoned out of their minds, and now I know exactly why: shave ice is great when you're sober, but when you're high, it is f*&kin' incredible. Shave ice is different than a sno-cone, because the ice is shaved off of a large cube with a razor blade, not chipped away with an ice pick, like a sno-cone. That means that it has a much softer texture, and it absorbs juice a lot better than a sno-cones do, and stays frozen longer as well. Also, most shave ice places have a wide assortment of flavors, aside from just your standard sno-cone flavors. Obviously, shave ice is not as readily available as some of the other items on this list, and it may be hard (or impossible) to find, depending on where you live and what time of year it is, but that makes the experience that much more magical: when you find a shave ice stand and you're incredibly high, it's like the stars have aligned. Cherish that moment.
The Super-Special Recipe: Most shave ice places will give you two flavors for free, so experiment and have a blast. It's virtually impossible to f*ck it up with the wrong flavors, because it's going to be delicious no matter what. My personal favorite has to be cherry and green apple. It sounds a little basic, but the sweet and sour combination in those two flavors is unbelievable. Some shave ice places will also offer cream on top of it, which will blow your f*&kin' mind!
"Dank" is one of these new "bad-is-good" terms that I cringe when I hear. Lots of the new generation stoners use the term to mean "potent marijuana." What it really means is "disagreeably damp." Its a derogatory term. Whats next, "moldy" means good weed? Shelf that term for the love of David Caradine.
And you, sir, are a dirty, foul smelling vegetarian. You don't count as a stoner ... even if you smoke weed. Any other distinction you think applies to you vanishes in the shadow of the only thing you really are; Which is a vegetarian.
Fast food. That you hate it numbers among its qualities.
i think the best thing that can happen when you're drunk or stoned is a ending the night with someone licking and sucking your privates. especially when dudes have whisky dick. and i always get my way because blonds always get their way
Thats not Poutine. Thats just just an imitation. Got to get a specific cheese thats really only available in canada. With a few exceptions here and there in the US. I have had the real thing a ton of times. It makes a difference.
This isn't the first time I've seen something about Sonic and said to myself "Damn, Sonic! When are you going to expand into Massachusetts! We have more college students per capita than anywhere else and you are the answer to our late night muchie prayers!!!"
The aforementioned chili tots may be good/ok but thats about it. My problem with Sonic is that everything is kinda sweet. The onion rings taste like onion doughnuts, the mayo is sweet, the mustard is sweet, and most any sauce ya get is sweet. I realize theres no accounting for taste but overall Sonic ranks below average and ranks about average among all night joints.
It is the tater tots, the hours, and the drinks that elevate Sonic above other base-line fast food names. Barely. 6/10 stars
you guys are all stupid. yeah, most food is good when you're stoned but there's no need to get all wet about it. i mean shit, grow up. there are no 'best stoner foods.' but, whatever.
I smoke weed, I eat healthy. I also don't like to get "blasted" anymore. Anyone who would eat that crap and think they are going to feel good is... stupid.
This list sucks. I would not eat any of these items when I am sober. It's people like you that give stoners a bad name. It is not all about smoking and eating. Be productive. Do something useful when you smoke.
As for foods that I would eat while stoned, I particularly like anything that I can cook myself: chicken parm, burritos, anything homemade!
We call them Shitties: (Don't worry about why right now)
cubed cheese of your choice...Pepper jack, Velveeta or whatever cheese
Ground beef form around cubes into a small meatball
crush up some doritos (flavor of choice...the jalepeno popper ones would be good)
Egg in a bowl (mixed)
give meatballs a good eggwash and roll in doritos
preheat oven to 375 and bake (hehe) until desired bakedness.
in a seperate bowl mix ortega suace (I perfer hot) and a couple of Tablespoons of honey. This for dipping the Shitties.
Get baked as shit or as I have many times enjoy after a night of getting completely shitcanned on booze. I have done this under the influance many times you can too...try harder!!!
Yes to the cereal. Doesn't matter what kind- if there's sugar in it, it's fucking awesome. Ice cream on damn near anything in the 'bread' family. Any thing followed by the word -dough (i.e. cookie dough, brownie dough, cake dou...err, batter, even bread dough if you roll it around in sugar first). Combos, but they have to be the nacho cheese kind. Ditto for Bugles. All you have is a Hershey Bar? Put it in the microwave. Good that way- but better if you stir the melted goodness up with some peanut butter. Honey Mustard on anything and everything (dope with Doritos). God, now I'm hungry and I'm stone cold sober.
An actual good meal, being high makes it that much better..being high just makes these foods eatable, but to me there's nothing like a perfectly cooked sirloin when I'm sober and especially when I'm high
Okay tard-face, this isn't epicurious.com
I don't give a fuck if he's right or not. It's a poorly written piece of internet fluff on a gag web site, and should be enjoyed as such.
PS- learn to spell, lazy fuck.
(299 Comments)
Twitter
Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
June 5th, 2009 at 10:39 am
So go eat healthy then asshole. Meanwhile we will enjoy the unhealthy stoner foods.
June 5th, 2009 at 03:31 pm
"Dank" is one of these new "bad-is-good" terms that I cringe when I hear. Lots of the new generation stoners use the term to mean "potent marijuana." What it really means is "disagreeably damp." Its a derogatory term. Whats next, "moldy" means good weed? Shelf that term for the love of David Caradine.
And you, sir, are a dirty, foul smelling vegetarian. You don't count as a stoner ... even if you smoke weed. Any other distinction you think applies to you vanishes in the shadow of the only thing you really are; Which is a vegetarian.
Fast food. That you hate it numbers among its qualities.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:22 am
A nice fresh pussy
June 5th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Yeah! Pop Tarts and Bagel Bites, thats what I am talkin about!
RT
www.real-anonymity.pro.tc
June 5th, 2009 at 10:24 am
Taco Bell's Chicken crunch wrap supreme!!!
June 5th, 2009 at 10:25 am
WHAT ABOUT FUNYUNS???!?!?!
June 5th, 2009 at 10:26 am
WHAT ABOUT WAFFLES N ICE CREAM, damn whats wrong with you people!
June 5th, 2009 at 10:30 am
no, the best is puppy chow. You know, Chex cereal with choc and pb and powdered sugar...
June 5th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
f yeah! puppy chow is the shit
June 5th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
this is my fav as well. Puppy chow is amazing
June 5th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Meh... I can do much better.
Kraft Mac n' Cheese (the shapes of course, they are so much better)
A bag a cheddar broccoli rice (think the brand name is Knorr?)
While those are cooking, throw some oil, italian herbs, and crushed red pepper in a skillet and add polish sausage.
Combine all 3, adding parmesan cheese if desired.
Bonus: this is even awesome not stoned. But still, a lot better if you are.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:42 am
that means you like cooking while you are high ....weird world ...weird world
June 5th, 2009 at 11:15 am
damn straight that's one of the best parts.
But if you don't... just cook it and smoke up when it's almost done.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:09 am
YES. It's high time that cheddar and broccoli rice got the recognition it deserves! Good call.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Step one: Smoke a fat blunt, or your apparatus of choice.
Step two: Eat one, several, or all of the following
Pop corn chicken smothered in frank's red hot sauce.
Wendy's bacon cheeseburger with wendy's chicken nuggets on it
Milk and cookies
Anything from Taco Bell
Saltines with peanut butter and jelly
Step three: You can now die happy.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:39 am
needs some hagen daaz or ben n jerrys
June 5th, 2009 at 10:40 am
IVE NEVER SEEN THOSE TACO NACHOS ON THE JACK N THE BOX MENU IT LOOKS AMAZING
June 5th, 2009 at 10:40 am
i think the best thing that can happen when you're drunk or stoned is a ending the night with someone licking and sucking your privates. especially when dudes have whisky dick. and i always get my way because blonds always get their way
http://tinyurl.com/588taz
June 5th, 2009 at 10:41 am
Pizza. That's all you need.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:45 am
a slice of pizza from any good pizza joint is the best stoner food
June 5th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Doritos between two pieces of bread. Also works when you run out of camping food! Saved our lives at Deer Creek Phish shows.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Yes cuz bread and Doritos SUCK by themselves?
June 5th, 2009 at 10:48 am
honey bunz
June 5th, 2009 at 10:50 am
that might be the worst list ive ever seen online, Roscoes CHicken an Waffles. nothing better
June 5th, 2009 at 10:50 am
I agree with erica, but add gatorade into the mix
June 5th, 2009 at 10:50 am
One word: POUTINE.
Fries, mozzarella cheese, gravy.
That is all.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Thats not Poutine. Thats just just an imitation. Got to get a specific cheese thats really only available in canada. With a few exceptions here and there in the US. I have had the real thing a ton of times. It makes a difference.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:04 am
It's cheese curds that go in poutine. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheese_curds
June 5th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Yes! It must be squeaky cheese, or it's not poutine.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:56 am
CEREAL.
Golden Grahams or Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Milk optional.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:59 am
This isn't the first time I've seen something about Sonic and said to myself "Damn, Sonic! When are you going to expand into Massachusetts! We have more college students per capita than anywhere else and you are the answer to our late night muchie prayers!!!"
June 5th, 2009 at 03:10 pm
The aforementioned chili tots may be good/ok but thats about it. My problem with Sonic is that everything is kinda sweet. The onion rings taste like onion doughnuts, the mayo is sweet, the mustard is sweet, and most any sauce ya get is sweet. I realize theres no accounting for taste but overall Sonic ranks below average and ranks about average among all night joints.
It is the tater tots, the hours, and the drinks that elevate Sonic above other base-line fast food names. Barely. 6/10 stars
June 5th, 2009 at 11:03 am
you guys are all stupid. yeah, most food is good when you're stoned but there's no need to get all wet about it. i mean shit, grow up. there are no 'best stoner foods.' but, whatever.
June 5th, 2009 at 03:02 pm
Red X
June 5th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Cheetos!
June 5th, 2009 at 11:05 am
England is shit for stoner food
June 5th, 2009 at 11:07 am
I smoke weed, I eat healthy. I also don't like to get "blasted" anymore. Anyone who would eat that crap and think they are going to feel good is... stupid.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:15 am
This list sucks. I would not eat any of these items when I am sober. It's people like you that give stoners a bad name. It is not all about smoking and eating. Be productive. Do something useful when you smoke.
As for foods that I would eat while stoned, I particularly like anything that I can cook myself: chicken parm, burritos, anything homemade!
June 5th, 2009 at 01:22 pm
Dude wtf are you talking about, talk about totally unrelated.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:13 am
We call them Shitties: (Don't worry about why right now)
cubed cheese of your choice...Pepper jack, Velveeta or whatever cheese
Ground beef form around cubes into a small meatball
crush up some doritos (flavor of choice...the jalepeno popper ones would be good)
Egg in a bowl (mixed)
give meatballs a good eggwash and roll in doritos
preheat oven to 375 and bake (hehe) until desired bakedness.
in a seperate bowl mix ortega suace (I perfer hot) and a couple of Tablespoons of honey. This for dipping the Shitties.
Get baked as shit or as I have many times enjoy after a night of getting completely shitcanned on booze. I have done this under the influance many times you can too...try harder!!!
June 5th, 2009 at 11:14 am
no wonder americans are so fat
this is not an insult just a fact
as I said, it shits all over England for food
June 5th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Yes to the cereal. Doesn't matter what kind- if there's sugar in it, it's fucking awesome. Ice cream on damn near anything in the 'bread' family. Any thing followed by the word -dough (i.e. cookie dough, brownie dough, cake dou...err, batter, even bread dough if you roll it around in sugar first). Combos, but they have to be the nacho cheese kind. Ditto for Bugles. All you have is a Hershey Bar? Put it in the microwave. Good that way- but better if you stir the melted goodness up with some peanut butter. Honey Mustard on anything and everything (dope with Doritos). God, now I'm hungry and I'm stone cold sober.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:21 am
an amazing compilation...nonetheless, you left out a tall glass of milk and a full box of chips ahoy...mmmm
June 5th, 2009 at 11:26 am
An actual good meal, being high makes it that much better..being high just makes these foods eatable, but to me there's nothing like a perfectly cooked sirloin when I'm sober and especially when I'm high
June 5th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Shut the f up stupid killjoy
June 5th, 2009 at 01:20 pm
Killjoy? Wtf moron, he is 100% correct.
Why eat garbage when you can have an excellent homecooked meal.
Must be that whole sterotype, lazy fuck.
June 5th, 2009 at 02:57 pm
Okay tard-face, this isn't epicurious.com
I don't give a fuck if he's right or not. It's a poorly written piece of internet fluff on a gag web site, and should be enjoyed as such.
PS- learn to spell, lazy fuck.
June 5th, 2009 at 04:49 pm
Put your jizz on the railing and then hold on. Taco fucker pubic patrolman. I got pennies that taste like douchewater. Gladiator homosexuals!
June 5th, 2009 at 11:27 am
pussy...hot, moist pussy every time!
June 5th, 2009 at 11:33 am
These are the worst stoner food ever! Im stoned right now, and god they dont look good at all..
Post new comment