For the past week or so, we've had this "Stoner Sidekick Quiz" ad over on the right side of our page, where you can win a TV or a PS3. The good people at Land of the Lost also asked us to write something about smoking weed, which got us thinking...and smoking weed...and eating a lot of food.
Eating food when you're stoned is like having a thousand orgasms in your mouth all at once (maybe I worded that incorrectly), and during our extensive research sessions in preparation for this article, we discovered a collection of foods that we feel stimulate the stoned palate more than any other delicacy on earth. These, in our opinion, are the 7 Best Foods to Eat When You're Stoned:
1. Pop Tarts
For most of us, Pop Tarts are the foundation of our understanding of what a pastry is. You can pop them in the toaster for a simultaneously crispy and gooey treat, or you can eat them raw, right out of the thin aluminum wrapper, just like the astronauts eat! The extensive variety of Pop Tart flavors can appeal to nearly any taste, whether it be the traditional Cherry, S'mores-flavored, or even the brown sugar ones with the diahrrea-colored frosting. They also come in two-packs, and there's nothing better when you're high than suddenly remembering you actually have twice as much food as you thought you did.
The Super-Special Recipe: For a real flavor kick, try toasting a couple of Pop Tarts, and then spreading butter on them while they're piping hot. The butter will melt into the frosting and create an unfathomable concoction of goodness.
2. Sonic's Chili-Cheese Tater Tots
Anyone who's fortunate enough to live near a Sonic Drive-In can verify that Sonic's regular menu is basically a Stoner Paradise, but their Chili-Cheese Tater Tots are easily the top contender. They're reasonably priced, so that you can get about 5 orders of these puppies before you're even approaching the price of a normal fast food meal, and the dish contains three stoner staples: chili, cheese, and tater tots, a flavor combination that kicks you in the face like the love-child of a rabid kangaroo and the physical manifestation of awesomeness.
The Super-Special Recipe: Throw a handful of Fritos (or Chili-Cheese Fritos, if you're feeling extra bold) into the mix for an added crunchiness and a little bit of a salty flavor that might make you pass out from sheer mouth ecstasy.
3. Late Night Jalapeno Popper Doritos
The most amazing thing about this flavor of Doritos is that they actually taste exactly like jalapeno poppers late at night. I don't know how it's possible, but the people at Doritos (who have to be high all the time) have really outdone themselves this time. There's another flavor in the Doritos "Late Night" collection, called Taco Stand or something like that. That one is pretty good, too, but the jalapeno poppers are so tasty they'll make your balls tingle a little bit, and the best part is that they're incredibly easy to find when you're stumbling through the grocery store, blazed out of your mind and looking for something to munch on; they'll be the only product on the chip aisle that's in a black bag with neon light lettering on it. Well-played, Doritos, well-played.
The Super Special Recipe: Two words: QUESO DIP.
4. Bagel Bites
Bagel Bites are easily in the top five greatest inventions of the century. It goes: bikinis, television, video games, rubbermaid furniture, and Bagel Bites. They're adorably bite-sized, packed full of flavor and texture, and you can get a box of thirty of these little buggers at your local grocery store for under $10. That means that you and three of your closest friends can enjoy a feast of nearly 100 Bagel Bites for around $8 each. Throw in some XBox and some late-night internet porn (after your friends leave, of course) and you've got the recipe for a great night.
The Super-Special Recipe: Remember that half of a jar of pasta sauce that's just sitting in your fridge? Well, it will compliment Bagel Bites perfectly.
5. Gatorade
Y'know those soap commercials on TV, where it shows the guy sniffing the soap and then he suddenly gets hit in the face with spring water, or snow, or whatever else can be used as an analogy for freshness, and then it comes back to the guy in the store, and he makes a face like, "Woah, that's fresh!" and then he puts the soap in his cart? Well, imagine if that commercial was in 3-D, because that's what it's like to drink Gatorade when you're high. It doesn't matter what flavor you choose, your Gatorade is going to taste awesome. Maybe it's the electrolytes. Maybe it's the subtle fruity goodness. Maybe it's the cool shaped bottle...or maybe it's all part of Gatorade's devious little plan to-- no, on second thought, it's probably the electrolytes.
The Super-Special Recipe: Gatorade pops, anyone? Try pouring some gatorade into a cup and leaving it in the freezer for a couple of hours to make delicious gatorade popsicles. You can try putting a stick in them when their partially frozen, but you'd better try that before you start smoking, because it'll be way too complicated when you're high. Otherwise, just let it freeze and eat it with a spoon.
6. Jack In The Box's Taco Nachos
Somewhere deep within the bowels of Jack in the Box's headquarters, there's a super-blazed kid sitting in a room somewhere, and a bunch of scientists keep bringing strange concoctions of food into him and saying "How does this taste? Is it good? Would you buy it?". Of course, the kid is super-blazed, so he says yes to everything, and that's why you can go to Jack in the Box and get a hamburger, or tacos, or egg rolls, or a teriyaki bowl, or a breakfast chicken sandwich at any hour of the day. The undisputed champion of Jack in the Box's incredibly stoner-friendly menu is, without a doubt, their new Taco Nachos. Basically, they've taken a bunch of their tacos (already a tried-and-true stoner favorite), dumped a bucket-full of nacho cheese on them, and garnished it with jalapenos and BACON. This one is going to hurt on the way out, but going in, it'll be pure bliss.
The Super-Special Recipe: Just add Hot Sauce.
7. Hawaiian Shave Ice
I used to work at a Shave Ice stand in Arizona. About 75% of the customers on any given day were clearly stoned out of their minds, and now I know exactly why: shave ice is great when you're sober, but when you're high, it is f*&kin' incredible. Shave ice is different than a sno-cone, because the ice is shaved off of a large cube with a razor blade, not chipped away with an ice pick, like a sno-cone. That means that it has a much softer texture, and it absorbs juice a lot better than a sno-cones do, and stays frozen longer as well. Also, most shave ice places have a wide assortment of flavors, aside from just your standard sno-cone flavors. Obviously, shave ice is not as readily available as some of the other items on this list, and it may be hard (or impossible) to find, depending on where you live and what time of year it is, but that makes the experience that much more magical: when you find a shave ice stand and you're incredibly high, it's like the stars have aligned. Cherish that moment.
The Super-Special Recipe: Most shave ice places will give you two flavors for free, so experiment and have a blast. It's virtually impossible to f*ck it up with the wrong flavors, because it's going to be delicious no matter what. My personal favorite has to be cherry and green apple. It sounds a little basic, but the sweet and sour combination in those two flavors is unbelievable. Some shave ice places will also offer cream on top of it, which will blow your f*&kin' mind!
1. Funyuns ........ come on meow
2. Jack in the Box taco's ......... AWESOME
3. Gushers ........ under rated
4. White Castle Slidders ....... there's a movie for the love of God
5. Any carny food ........ highness at a fair, total increase
6. Turducken ........ never had one, but I want that
7. The China Man food ........ eat, session, eat, and then eat again
Hostess Ding Dongs,Twinkies, Fruit Pies, or Suzy-Qs (seeing a pattern?)
Mountain Dew
Original Nacho flavored Doritos
Captain Crunch (original, mouth-lacerating flavor)
Taco Bell
Wow, according to these comments it's like everyone has different tastes in food! WHO KNEW??
This is just some narcissist's grocery list. Who gives a shit? this deserves to be written on a post-it in your back pocket, not published on the internet.
I can't believe someone would publish something so ridiculous. First of all, getting high is illegal. I will find all of you and make sure you get jail time. You think its funny now; you won't when you are serving in your local penitentiary.
Don't people have freedom of speech to write about what they want to. Last time I checked, it was illegal to arrest someone over writing about eating while high.
Yeah, it was a joke ya dickweed. I love smoking it up every day. I blow it in my dog's face and he gets stoned with me and eats a whole bag of dog food.
shit my bad, funny though. my dog runs around in circles for about 5 to 10 minutes in the backyard then falls on its side. he is fucking helirious!!! spelld wrong so waht
go fuck your self you bitch, "getting high ith illegal firth of all" bet you one-hunned dolla half the people you know smoke weed. oh yea fuck the dea.
Oh, come on. Stoners are some of the happiest people on Earth. Leave us alone! It's just weed -- it's a plant! Go after the hard drug dealers, like crack cocaine or meth or maybe something that actually KILlS people. You know what you have to do to overdose on weed? 15 pounds in 15 minutes. Since you're the 'DEA' and everything, I doubt you know what this means but 15 pounds is virtually impossible. Haha, so leave the stoners alone and go find something of value to entertain yourself with.
There's a brand from Snyders/Schnyders or however it's spelled-- basically round pretzel sandwiches with holes in them, filled with cheddar cheese. You can squeeze them and the cheeze oozes through the pretzel. PERFECT snack when your stoned.
1: Flavor Ice, Comes is boxes of 100 and it is bliss in plastic wrapping when you get dry mouth.
2: Tacos
3: Fritos w/ Cottage Cheese & Black Pepper
4: Pizza
5: Orange Juice
6: Hawaiian Shaved Ice, Try Watermelon and Honeydew
7: My wife's cooking
god damn it son i told you not to use crude language on the internet, and change your screen name. i don't want everybody to start calling you butthole. OK my chocolate starfish?
OK. Given that easy to get/make/eat is greater than anything weighed down by hassle or effort, I offer this dish to the list on the condition that someone other than the discerning stoner is hand delivering it or making it.
Angel Wings: Thai food. A de-boned chicken wing stuffed with minced crab, shrimp, and vegetables then deep fried. Served with a cucumber/onion plumb sauce and/or a peanut sauce.
(299 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
June 5th, 2009 at 11:33 am
You also forgot my personal favorite: Eating a whole brick of cream cheese with a butter knife as your utensil.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:35 am
Never saw a more disgusting list of junkfood.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am
fig newtons, saltines, and cocoa puffs
June 5th, 2009 at 11:49 am
I don't think you'd agree with this list. I do love the answer of, pussy, hot moist pussy.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Eating cottage cheese with nacho cheese doritos. Sounds gross, but is actually a delicious stoner twist on chips and dip.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Top 7
1. Funyuns ........ come on meow
2. Jack in the Box taco's ......... AWESOME
3. Gushers ........ under rated
4. White Castle Slidders ....... there's a movie for the love of God
5. Any carny food ........ highness at a fair, total increase
6. Turducken ........ never had one, but I want that
7. The China Man food ........ eat, session, eat, and then eat again
- Seacrest Out
June 5th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
your list is way more on point.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Okay - going to show my age here...
Hostess Ding Dongs,Twinkies, Fruit Pies, or Suzy-Qs (seeing a pattern?)
Mountain Dew
Original Nacho flavored Doritos
Captain Crunch (original, mouth-lacerating flavor)
Taco Bell
June 5th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I am young and agree completely, good sir.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
1. Frito's and Cream Cheese for dipping
2. Cheese Puffs and Peanut butter for dipping
3. Mac and Cheese
June 5th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Wow, according to these comments it's like everyone has different tastes in food! WHO KNEW??
This is just some narcissist's grocery list. Who gives a shit? this deserves to be written on a post-it in your back pocket, not published on the internet.
June 5th, 2009 at 01:17 pm
Good shit, finally someone with a damn brainstem.
June 5th, 2009 at 04:02 pm
What a downer you are. Doooowneeeer!
June 5th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
I can't believe someone would publish something so ridiculous. First of all, getting high is illegal. I will find all of you and make sure you get jail time. You think its funny now; you won't when you are serving in your local penitentiary.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
HOMO
June 5th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Dont click on it then next time
June 5th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Don't people have freedom of speech to write about what they want to. Last time I checked, it was illegal to arrest someone over writing about eating while high.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
You hear that? That's the sound of a joke flying right over your head.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Yeah, it was a joke ya dickweed. I love smoking it up every day. I blow it in my dog's face and he gets stoned with me and eats a whole bag of dog food.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Dude, I get high with my dog and eat tacos with him. Its awesome! Dogs are funny when they're high.
June 5th, 2009 at 03:52 pm
shit my bad, funny though. my dog runs around in circles for about 5 to 10 minutes in the backyard then falls on its side. he is fucking helirious!!! spelld wrong so waht
June 5th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Haha. Mmkay old man. Maybe sometime you'll check a calendar and realize it's 2009. Get a life.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
your mom's an old man
June 5th, 2009 at 03:50 pm
hey don't talk that way about people son
June 5th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
I live in Massachusetts. Ganja is decriminalized.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
blow me
June 5th, 2009 at 01:16 pm
You're not the DEA, I dare you to come to my door.
You'll have a nice new hole to breathe out of.
Fucking loser.
June 6th, 2009 at 08:01 am
Wow you guys are cool.
June 5th, 2009 at 02:50 pm
dumbfuck
June 5th, 2009 at 03:49 pm
go fuck your self you bitch, "getting high ith illegal firth of all" bet you one-hunned dolla half the people you know smoke weed. oh yea fuck the dea.
June 10th, 2009 at 10:06 am
GO FUKK YOUR HAND DEA COMMIE BITCH
June 14th, 2009 at 08:54 pm
Oh, come on. Stoners are some of the happiest people on Earth. Leave us alone! It's just weed -- it's a plant! Go after the hard drug dealers, like crack cocaine or meth or maybe something that actually KILlS people. You know what you have to do to overdose on weed? 15 pounds in 15 minutes. Since you're the 'DEA' and everything, I doubt you know what this means but 15 pounds is virtually impossible. Haha, so leave the stoners alone and go find something of value to entertain yourself with.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
I thought the list was perfect. We don't have jack in the box or sonic up here :-\ and those two items look the best out of the whole bunch.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
EZ cheese and chicken in a biscuit crackers
June 5th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
I like eating EZ cheese out of my bong after a smoke some mids
June 5th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
There's a brand from Snyders/Schnyders or however it's spelled-- basically round pretzel sandwiches with holes in them, filled with cheddar cheese. You can squeeze them and the cheeze oozes through the pretzel. PERFECT snack when your stoned.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
I enjoy eating an entire Panormous pizza from Pizza Hut
June 5th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
1: Flavor Ice, Comes is boxes of 100 and it is bliss in plastic wrapping when you get dry mouth.
2: Tacos
3: Fritos w/ Cottage Cheese & Black Pepper
4: Pizza
5: Orange Juice
6: Hawaiian Shaved Ice, Try Watermelon and Honeydew
7: My wife's cooking
June 5th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Farts smell better when you are stoned.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
My girlfriend's ass tastes better when i'm stoned
June 5th, 2009 at 03:46 pm
your mom's ass tastes better when im high
June 5th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
I sure as hell enjoy any kind of cereal or ice cream...and o ya Funyuns...
June 5th, 2009 at 01:11 pm
taco bell's grande meal....BEST SHIT EVER.
June 5th, 2009 at 03:55 pm
god damn it son i told you not to use crude language on the internet, and change your screen name. i don't want everybody to start calling you butthole. OK my chocolate starfish?
June 6th, 2009 at 09:00 pm
I love you, be MY daddy?
June 5th, 2009 at 01:43 pm
Then u may also interested in
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.
.
.
.
. Food on nude chick bodies
June 5th, 2009 at 02:07 pm
www.craziestpolicereports.com
June 5th, 2009 at 03:57 pm
OK. Given that easy to get/make/eat is greater than anything weighed down by hassle or effort, I offer this dish to the list on the condition that someone other than the discerning stoner is hand delivering it or making it.
Angel Wings: Thai food. A de-boned chicken wing stuffed with minced crab, shrimp, and vegetables then deep fried. Served with a cucumber/onion plumb sauce and/or a peanut sauce.
Your sack will be empty.
June 5th, 2009 at 07:52 pm
I have two very important words that totally got left off this list: Tootsie Roll. For some reason its like a chocolate gooey heaven!!!
June 5th, 2009 at 08:28 pm
G'day from sunny metropolis Adelaide, South Australia!!! :)
http://www.Metropolis5000.net
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