The 7 Best Foods to Eat When You're Stoned

June 4th, 2009 | 11:11 am
For the past week or so, we've had this "Stoner Sidekick Quiz" ad over on the right side of our page, where you can win a TV or a PS3.  The good people at Land of the Lost also asked us to write something about smoking weed, which got us thinking...and smoking weed...and eating a lot of food.
 
Eating food when you're stoned is like having a thousand orgasms in your mouth all at once (maybe I worded that incorrectly), and during our extensive research sessions in preparation for this article, we discovered a collection of foods that we feel stimulate the stoned palate more than any other delicacy on earth.  These, in our opinion, are the 7 Best Foods to Eat When You're Stoned:
 
1.  Pop Tarts
 
 
For most of us, Pop Tarts are the foundation of our understanding of what a pastry is. You can pop them in the toaster for a simultaneously crispy and gooey treat, or you can eat them raw, right out of the thin aluminum wrapper, just like the astronauts eat!  The extensive variety of Pop Tart flavors can appeal to nearly any taste, whether it be the traditional Cherry, S'mores-flavored, or even the brown sugar ones with the diahrrea-colored frosting.  They also come in two-packs, and there's nothing better when you're high than suddenly remembering you actually have twice as much food as you thought you did.
 
The Super-Special Recipe: For a real flavor kick, try toasting a couple of Pop Tarts, and then spreading butter on them while they're piping hot.  The butter will melt into the frosting and create an unfathomable concoction of goodness.
 
 
2.  Sonic's Chili-Cheese Tater Tots
 
 
Anyone who's fortunate enough to live near a Sonic Drive-In can verify that Sonic's regular menu is basically a Stoner Paradise, but their Chili-Cheese Tater Tots are easily the top contender.  They're reasonably priced, so that you can get about 5 orders of these puppies before you're even approaching the price of a normal fast food meal, and the dish contains three stoner staples: chili, cheese, and tater tots, a flavor combination that kicks you in the face like the love-child of a rabid kangaroo and the physical manifestation of awesomeness. 

The Super-Special Recipe: Throw a handful of Fritos (or Chili-Cheese Fritos, if you're feeling extra bold) into the mix for an added crunchiness and a little bit of a salty flavor that might make you pass out from sheer mouth ecstasy.
 
 
3.  Late Night Jalapeno Popper Doritos
 
 
The most amazing thing about this flavor of Doritos is that they actually taste exactly like jalapeno poppers late at night.  I don't know how it's possible, but the people at Doritos (who have to be high all the time) have really outdone themselves this time.  There's another flavor in the Doritos "Late Night" collection, called Taco Stand or something like that.  That one is pretty good, too, but the jalapeno poppers are so tasty they'll make your balls tingle a little bit, and the best part is that they're incredibly easy to find when you're stumbling through the grocery store, blazed out of your mind and looking for something to munch on; they'll be the only product on the chip aisle that's in a black bag with neon light lettering on it.  Well-played, Doritos, well-played.
 
The Super Special Recipe: Two words: QUESO DIP. 
 
 
4.  Bagel Bites
 
 
Bagel Bites are easily in the top five greatest inventions of the century.  It goes:  bikinis, television, video games, rubbermaid furniture, and Bagel Bites.  They're adorably bite-sized, packed full of flavor and texture, and you can get a box of thirty of these little buggers at your local grocery store for under $10.  That means that you and three of your closest friends can enjoy a feast of nearly 100 Bagel Bites for around $8 each.  Throw in some XBox and some late-night internet porn (after your friends leave, of course) and you've got the recipe for a great night.
 
The Super-Special Recipe: Remember that half of a jar of pasta sauce that's just sitting in your fridge? Well, it will compliment Bagel Bites perfectly.
 
 
5.  Gatorade
 
 
Y'know those soap commercials on TV, where it shows the guy sniffing the soap and then he suddenly gets hit in the face with spring water, or snow, or whatever else can be used as an analogy for freshness, and then it comes back to the guy in the store, and he makes a face like, "Woah, that's fresh!" and then he puts the soap in his cart?  Well, imagine if that commercial was in 3-D, because that's what it's like to drink Gatorade when you're high.  It doesn't matter what flavor you choose, your Gatorade is going to taste awesome.  Maybe it's the electrolytes.  Maybe it's the subtle fruity goodness. Maybe it's the cool shaped bottle...or maybe it's all part of Gatorade's devious little plan to-- no, on second thought, it's probably the electrolytes.
 
The Super-Special Recipe: Gatorade pops, anyone?  Try pouring some gatorade into a cup and leaving it in the freezer for a couple of hours to make delicious gatorade popsicles.  You can try putting a stick in them when their partially frozen, but you'd better try that before you start smoking, because it'll be way too complicated when you're high.  Otherwise, just let it freeze and eat it with a spoon.
 
 
6.  Jack In The Box's Taco Nachos
 
 
Somewhere deep within the bowels of Jack in the Box's headquarters, there's a super-blazed kid sitting in a room somewhere, and a bunch of scientists keep bringing strange concoctions of food into him and saying "How does this taste? Is it good? Would you buy it?".  Of course, the kid is super-blazed, so he says yes to everything, and that's why you can go to Jack in the Box and get a hamburger, or tacos, or egg rolls, or a teriyaki bowl, or a breakfast chicken sandwich at any hour of the day.  The undisputed champion of Jack in the Box's incredibly stoner-friendly menu is, without a doubt, their new Taco Nachos.  Basically, they've taken a bunch of their tacos (already a tried-and-true stoner favorite), dumped a bucket-full of nacho cheese on them, and garnished it with jalapenos and BACON.  This one is going to hurt on the way out, but going in, it'll be pure bliss.
 
The Super-Special Recipe: Just add Hot Sauce.
 
 
7.  Hawaiian Shave Ice
 
 
I used to work at a Shave Ice stand in Arizona.  About 75% of the customers on any given day were clearly stoned out of their minds, and now I know exactly why: shave ice is great when you're sober, but when you're high, it is f*&kin' incredible.  Shave ice is different than a sno-cone, because the ice is shaved off of a large cube with a razor blade, not chipped away with an ice pick, like a sno-cone.  That means that it has a much softer texture, and it absorbs juice a lot better than a sno-cones do, and stays frozen longer as well.  Also, most shave ice places have a wide assortment of flavors, aside from just your standard sno-cone flavors.  Obviously, shave ice is not as readily available as some of the other items on this list, and it may be hard (or impossible) to find, depending on where you live and what time of year it is, but that makes the experience that much more magical: when you find a shave ice stand and you're incredibly high, it's like the stars have aligned. Cherish that moment.
 
The Super-Special Recipe: Most shave ice places will give you two flavors for free, so experiment and have a blast. It's virtually impossible to f*ck it up with the wrong flavors, because it's going to be delicious no matter what.  My personal favorite has to be cherry and green apple.  It sounds a little basic, but the sweet and sour combination in those two flavors is unbelievable.  Some shave ice places will also offer cream on top of it, which will blow your f*&kin' mind!
 
Comments

299 Responses to "The 7 Best Foods to Eat When You're Stoned"

  1. tiben36 Says:

    You miss the only thing that you can eat exclusivelly in the Quebec.
    From Drummondville, Quebec, the best trio in the world:
    The real quebecer Poutine!!

  2. Anonymous Says:

    the best munchies while stoned...
    *Snickers-like ur biting into heaven
    *Orange Juice-bitter sweet
    *Fruit-sweet all around
    *Jak in the box tacos

    and me!-scrumptious**

  3. Anonymous Says:

    Nick Tahou's or Steve T's garbage plate. Rochester, NY.
    Best stoned food ever.

  4. Anonymous Says:

    Sooooo true. 2 cheeseburgers, mac salad, homefries, mustard, onions, extra hot sauce, Charmin double-roll --- I'd say the best are either Henrietta Hots or Greece Hots though

  5. Anonymous Says:

    Best thing isn't even on there....Passion Flakie cakes!!!! The are the shit!

  6. Anonymous Says:

    for those in the u.k;
    maxibon ice creams
    greggs the bakers steak bake
    asda smart price frozen dairy sponge
    barrs dandelion and burdock fizzy pop

    yep, that'll sort your muchies out

  7. Anonymous Says:

    I so agree with the Maxibon comment.

    The first time I ate one I was high and oh my god, I nearly died. It was THAT good.

    I like the biscuit half better and it's exciting when you're eating it and stoned thinking 'I'm nearly at the biscuit part! This is gonna taste so goood!'

    Lmao.

    Also houmous is good, I just get a big tub of houmous and add whatever the hell I want to it. Niiice.

  8. Anonymous Says:

    Chili Mac from Steak and Shake garnished with Salt and Vinegar Chips.

  9. Anonymous Says:

    No, anything from steak n shake!!!

  10. Louise Chiffonade Brescia Says:

    Listen up guys, I am stoned nearly 24/7, so I would call this the SHORT LIST (kinda like my Boy Friend, BigBear's tool --- LOL, But, HEY, Bear's is better than my any of my four ex-husband's if you get my drift.

    Hey, I love gnocchi, anything italian (with lots of grease, and pasta, and tomato paste from a can, and grease, etc).

    But since I fled to Atlanta from Brooklyn, NYC, i have been whipping up a bunch of Red Velvet cake to eat when I and PAVLOV get up close and personal.

    AS a graduate of Peter Kump's University of Gourmet Cooking in Brooklyn, NYC, I appreciate this fine list.

    Cheers,

    Louise Chiffonade Brescia
    Owner, Operator, and CEO of "Chiffonade Cooks"

  11. Anonymous Says:

    you're a douche

  12. Louise Chiffonade Brescia Says:

    I AM NOT a douche. However, I do douche once a year whether I need it or not.

    Louise Chicconade Brescia
    "therealchiffonade"
    BOARD MATRON, Serious Eats website

  13. Anonymous Says:

    No wonder many stoners are fat, lazy fucks.

  14. Anonymous Says:

    Hey FUCK YOU! Anonymous I bet you have never tried.

  15. kmallan Says:

    you obviously dont know many stoners asshole!!!

  16. Amber Says:

    Pizza rolls! holy hell are they good when I'm stoned. And popcorn with hot sauce..Mmmmm yummy

  17. Anonymous Says:

    I did one on both sied so I was clear, so once more "FUCK YOU!"

  18. cowbulls Says:

    Krystal hamburgers

  19. Austin Says:

    Dude crystal burgers suck ass... they taste like somewhat ate a burger, threw it up, then re-shaped it into another burger. Complete waste of money and food.

  20. Ookla the Mok Says:

    Based on the recommendation of this list, I tried out the Jalapeno Popper Doritos. They suck. They do not have the bold Dorito taste you might expect. Rather, the flavors are uncommonly muted. Is that what "late night" is? Washed out, stepped on flavor? It tasted like what a decent chip would taste like if you had just burned your tongue with a hot drink.

    Verdict: Lamest Dorito chip ever. Not disgusting but stunning lack of flavor.

    Post Script- Some classic chip flavors that have passed away: Steak and Onions Lays (long ago) and Wasabe Funyuns (recent)

  21. STFU Says:

    1 is off the list of any true stoner. Kellogs is the same company that canned Michael Phelps for smoking a bong. FUCK POP TARTS that shit sucks anyway.

  22. agreed Says:

    well said

  23. V Says:

    Sonic = heaven.
    Hit up some Sonic last night.
    Sonic Blast (icecream) FTW!

  24. TLaw Says:

    PEACH TEA is all I gotta say!!!!

  25. hungry Says:

    put condensed milk(eagle brand) on shave ice
    the best way to have it
    fuck the sweet shit. FOOD FOOD FOOD

  26. Where the wings? Says:

    Buffalo Wild Wings and a cold beer. (boneless, because I don't want to mess with bones stoned) I have never been so happy sitting down trying so many flavors with friends stoned.

  27. Anonymous Says:

    chilli cheese burrito from taco hell

  28. supermanlymangunowner Says:

    they discontinued that shit, RIP. twas' my favorite.

  29. first job tb Says:

    actually they'll still make it for you if you ask. Atleast they did when i worked there which was like a year ago.

  30. crazykid Says:

    taco bell's steak quesidilla
    best sauce on it it is incredible

    starbuck's strawberries and cream frappe
    ORGASM

  31. Anonymous Says:

    Parmesan goldfish. Mmmmmmm.

  32. supermanlymangunowner Says:

    idk man kind of a weak list.

    real pizza > bagel bites
    arizona iced tea 24 oz. can for $1 (any flavor but i recommend mucho mango) > gatorade
    the chili cheese tater tots look sweet but Checkers chili cheese fries have to substitute for me because i dont live near a sonic
    Doritos? the mack daddy of flavored chips but theyre too dry when u got some mean cotton mouth. chips and salsa is where its at!
    and i cant believe you left TACO BELL off the list.

  33. Anonymous Says:

    lets be serious. pretty much anything you eat when you're as high as giraffe pussy is going to be amazing

  34. Give some of these a shot Says:

    -Taco Bell’s Grande Meal; upgrade the tacos to Volcano status for full effect.
    -Grab some Little Debbie's (preferably raisin, chocolate chip or oatmeal cream pies) then put Quaker Oh's (cereal section of your grocer) in the middle for a 5 star, soft, crunchy sweet-tooth.
    -Taco Bell's Volcano taco (with some hot or fire sauce if you are ready for it).
    -Three words: Frozen Candy Bars!! (My favorites: Snickers, Butterfinger and Zero)
    -Cape Cod brand Jalapeno and Aged Cheddar potato chips
    -If you are going for a shaved ice, check if Tiger’s Blood is an option; if so, get it or at least mix it with your current favorite.
    -A big ol’ slush from Sonic is a willing, and budget able combatant for even your most goliath dry mouth symptoms. They even have a PowerAde slush.
    -Nutter Butter
    -Hot-n-Spicy Cheez-its with easy cheese. (Try this wrapped with a piece of thinly sliced honey ham if you want a little protein in your life)
    -Frosted animal cookies
    -Frito-Lay Munchies (I prefer the cheese flavor)
    -Ice Cream Sandwiches
    -Airheads
    -Taco Bell's Crunch wrap supreme (add the Lava sauce if you really want to make it a fiesta for your taste buds).
    -Frito Lay Flavor Twists
    -Melted cheese on just about anything (especially pepperjack).
    -General Mills brand Bugles (cheese or original) with cheese dip and/or spinach dip.
    -Good ol’ PB&J or PB& Honey are tough competitors
    - Lipton or Arizona brand diet Green Tea is a nice addition to the repertoire.
    -Make some spicy Rotel and Velveeta dip (or if you want to impress yourself, use Velveeta, then add freshly diced jalapeno, poblano and bell peppers, a touch of Tony Cachere’s Cajun seasoning and add cooked mild sausage to the mix after all the other ingredients are added).
    -I am usually not a Krystal fan but if you dip some fresh Krystal Chiks (add bacon) into the aforementioned Velveeta dip, don’t blame me if your taste buds jump straight out of your mouth and start a circus in the nearest area to celebrate your amazing decision.

    Those are just a few of my favorites.

  35. Anonymous Says:

    When im very very stoned,
    I like waiting for a roomate to make something, and steal little bites when he is not looking and im usually sure that he doesnt notice. and then we fuck

  36. Anonymous Says:

    chocolate chip cookies dipped in warm vanilla ICEING.
    OMGOMGOMGOGM
    and french fries and frosty.

    pretty much anything that is cheap and disgusting.

  37. AshBash Says:

    Two words.

    Pizzeria Combos.

  38. bluefox755 Says:

    I guess I'm alone in this, but Mt Dew: Code Red, sometimes hard to find these days...but its heaven in a bottle, quite possibly the tastiest drink I've ever had

  39. eknks Says:

    god damn it son i told you not to use crude language on the internet, and change your screen name. i don't want everybody to start calling you butthole. OK my chocolate starfish?

    dizi izle

    diziizle online dizi izle full izle

  40. Emily, & Julia. Says:

    -moist cookies!
    -lunch meat.
    -ICE CREAM!
    -salt and vinegar.
    -Arizona's.
    -powdered doughnuts.
    -mcdonalds!
    -Frito's.
    -kit kat's.
    -french toast.
    -cheese and crackers.
    -hot dogs.
    -MAC AND CHEESE.
    ta da(:

  41. Brian Says:

    MUST TRY: w/o a doubt dr pepper is the best drink ever high. just swish it around your mouth a little bit before swallowing.......sex is the only thing better than this

  42. mezzikan food Says:

    if you are ever in san diego and high (or not, they're delicious regardless but a stoner staple 'round here), look for a mexican place with CARNE ASADA FRIES.

    french fries, guac, sour cream, carne asada... pure taste bud bliss, and servings are usu. HUGE.

    def agree with the guy who said fuck kelloggs though

  43. Kylee Says:

    No wayyyyyy! gatorade?
    no, when im high. i want chips and salsa. TACO BELL!
    spray cheese stuff. lol flaming hot cheetos. and mcdonalds is good too

  44. William Says:

    Real Hawai'ian shave ice has thick, sweet, creamy, ice-creamy stuff under the ice.
    That is real deliciousness.

  45. Stoner eats NYC Says:

    NYC specific:
    - Doughnut Plant warm fresh made cocunut cream or peanut butter and jelly doughnuts.
    - Soup dumplings at Shanghai Cafe Chinatown
    - Fried chicken, yellow rice and beans and plantains and avocado salad at any Dominican joint in Brooklyn

    Non-NYC:
    - Ego waffles, butter, peanut butter, jelly, ice cream Ina sandwich form
    - Pop tarts with butter and Filipino coconut spread
    - Salt and vinegar pork rinds
    - Fries and curry sauce in Amsterdam
    - hagen daz almond chocolate coated Ice cream bars

  46. Kush Says:

    Pussy Pot Pie is the best when your high!!!

  47. Kelps Says:

    I like Grasshoppers (chocolate and mint cookies), gatorade, jones soda, Taco Bell, Wendys (Fabulous value menu), PEPPERONI PIZZA, Dr. Pepper (Tasted like Cinnamon buns last i drank it), hamburgers(kobe or bison especially) from Blu Burger Grille.

    The reason I like Blu Burger Grille, which resides here in the Phoenix area, is because you can build your own burger. I like the burger with: Bison, poppey seed bun, goat cheese, onions, tomatoes, romaine, A1 sauce. BEST combination EVER.

  48. hungry girl Says:

    chocolate chip waffles, spread peanut butter on top, followed by a layer of sliced bananas, topped off with warm pancake syrup.. yummy..followed up by sloppy, lazy sex, and then sleeping for 12 hrs. the perfect ending to getting high....

  49. hungry girl Says:

    peanut butter and banana sandwich, grill both sides in butter, sprinkle with powdered sugar, drizzle with honey, deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelicious!!!!!

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