Today is 4/20, which means that you’re probably stoned
right now, and that means you’re probably hungry, too. Eating food
when you’re stoned is like having a thousand orgasms in your mouth all at once (maybe I worded that incorrectly), and during our extensive research sessions in preparation for this article, we discovered a collection of foods that we feel stimulate the stoned palate more than any other delicacy on earth. Get your attention span ready: here are the 7 Best Foods to Eat When You’re Stoned
Bagel Bites are easily in the top five greatest inventions of the century. It goes: bikinis, television, video games, rubbermaid furniture, and then Bagel Bites (because porn was invented last century). Bagel Bites are adorably bite-sized, packed full of flavor and texture, and you can get a box of thirty of these little bastards at your local grocery store for under $10. That means that you and three of your closest friends can enjoy a feast of nearly 100 Bagel Bites for around $8 each. Throw in some XBox and some late-night internet porn (after your friends leave, of course) and you’ve got the recipe for a great night.
The Super-Special Recipe: Remember that half of a jar of pasta sauce that’s just sitting in your fridge? You know you want to dump that all over your Bagel Bites. Do it!
Sonic’s Chili-Cheese Tater Tots
Anyone who’s fortunate enough to live near a Sonic Drive-In can verify that Sonic’s regular menu is basically a Stoner’s Paradise, but their Chili-Cheese Tater Tots are easily the top contender. They’re reasonably priced, so you can get about 5 orders of these puppies before you’re even approaching the price of a normal fast food meal, and the dish contains three stoner staples: chili, cheese, and tater tots, a flavor combination that kicks you in the face like the love-child of Chris Brown and a rabid kangaroo.
The Super-Special Recipe: Throw a handful of Fritos (or Chili-Cheese Fritos, if you’re feeling extra bold) into the mix for an added crunchiness and a little bit of a salty flavor that might make you pass out from sheer mouth ecstasy.
For most of us, Pop Tarts are the foundation of our understanding of what a pastry is. You can pop them in the toaster for a simultaneously crispy and gooey treat, or you can eat them raw, right out of the thin aluminum wrapper, just like the astronauts do it! The wide variety of Pop Tart flavors can appeal to nearly any taste, whether it be the traditional Cherry, S’mores-flavored, or even the brown sugar ones with the diahrrea-colored frosting. They also come in two-packs, and there’s nothing better when you’re high than suddenly remembering you actually have twice as much food as you thought you did.
The Super-Special Recipe: For a real flavor kick, try toasting a couple of Pop Tarts, and then spreading butter on them while they’re piping hot. The butter will melt into the frosting and create an unfathomable concoction of goodness. You can also make any delicious sandwich using pop tarts in place of bread.
Late Night Jalapeno Popper Doritos
The most amazing thing about this flavor of Doritos is that they actually taste exactly like jalapeno poppers late at night. I don’t know how it’s possible, but the people at Doritos (who must be high all the time) have really outdone themselves this time. There are a couple of other flavors in the Doritos "Late Night" collection; a Taco flavor and a cheeseburger flavor or something like that. They’re both pretty good, too, but the jalapeno poppers are so tasty they’ll make your balls tingle a little bit, and the best part is that they’re incredibly easy to find when you’re stumbling through the grocery store, blazed out of your mind and looking for something to munch on; they’ll be the only product on the chip aisle that’s in a black bag with neon light lettering on it, so just look for the food that most closely resembles a strip club. Well-played, Doritos, well-played.
The Super Special Recipe: Two words: QUESO DIP.
Y’know those soap commercials on TV, where it shows the guy sniffing the soap and then he suddenly gets hit in the face with spring water, or snow, or whatever else can be used as an analogy for freshness, and then it comes back to the guy in the store, and he makes a face like, "Woah, that’s fresh!" and then he puts the soap in his cart? Well, imagine if that commercial was in 3-D, because that’s what it’s like to drink Gatorade when you’re high. It doesn’t matter what flavor you choose, your Gatorade is going to taste awesome. Maybe it’s the electrolytes. Maybe it’s the subtle fruity goodness. Maybe it’s the cool shaped bottle…or maybe it’s all part of Gatorade’s devious little plan to– no, on second thought, it’s probably the electrolytes.
The Super-Special Recipe: Gatorade pops, motherf*ckers! Try pouring some gatorade into a cup and leaving it in the freezer for a couple of hours to make delicious gatorade popsicles. You can try putting a stick in them when their partially frozen, but you’d better try that before you start blazing, because it’ll be way too complicated when you’re high. Otherwise, just let it freeze and eat it with a spoon.
Jack In The Box’s Taco Nachos
Somewhere deep within the bowels of Jack in the Box’s headquarters (which have to be really messy), there’s a super-blazed kid sitting in a room somewhere, and a bunch of scientists keep bringing strange concoctions of food into him and saying "How does this taste? Is it good? Would you buy it?". Of course, the kid is super-blazed so he says yes to everything, and that’s why you can go to Jack in the Box and get a hamburger, or tacos, or egg rolls, or a teriyaki bowl, or a grilled cheese sandwich, or a fried chicken breakfast burrito at any hour of the day. The undisputed champion of Jack in the Box’s incredibly stoner-friendly menu is, without a doubt, the Taco Nachos. Basically, they’ve taken a bunch of their tacos (already a tried-and-true stoner favorite), dumped a bucket-full of nacho cheese on them, and garnished it with jalapenos and BACON. This one is going to hurt on the way out, but going in, it’ll be pure bliss.
The Super-Special Recipe: Just add TONS of Hot Sauce.
Hawaiian Shave Ice
I used to work at a Shave Ice stand in Arizona. About 75% of the customers on any given day were clearly stoned out of their minds, and now I know exactly why: shave ice is great when you’re sober, but when you’re high, it is f*ckin’ incredible. Shave ice is different than a sno-cone, because the ice is shaved off of a large cube with a razor blade, not chipped away with an ice pick, like a sno-cone. That means that it has a much softer texture, and it absorbs juice a lot better than a sno-cones do, and stays frozen longer as well. Also, most shave ice places have a wide assortment of flavors, aside from just your standard sno-cone flavors. Obviously, shave ice is not as readily available as some of the other items on this list, and it may be hard (or impossible) to find, depending on where you live and what time of year it is, but that makes the experience that much more magical: when you find a shave ice stand and you’re incredibly high, it’s like the planets have magically aligned. It’s like the universe wants you to eat that shave ice, man! That is far out. Cherish that moment.
The Super-Special Recipe: Most shave ice places will give you two flavors for free, so experiment and have a blast. It’s virtually impossible to f*ck it up with the wrong flavors, because it’s going to be delicious no matter what. My personal favorite has to be cherry and green apple. It sounds a little basic, but the sweet and sour combination in those two flavors is unbelievable. Some shave ice places will also offer cream on top of it, which will blow your f*&kin’ mind!