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The 7 Best Foods to Eat When You’re Stoned

Today is 4/20, which means that you’re probably stoned right now, and that means you’re probably hungry, too. Eating food when you’re stoned is like having a thousand orgasms in your mouth all at once (maybe I worded that incorrectly), and during our extensive research sessions in preparation for this article, we discovered a collection of foods that we feel stimulate the stoned palate more than any other delicacy on earth.  Get your attention span ready: here are the 7 Best Foods to Eat When You’re Stoned:
 
Bagel Bites
 
 
Bagel Bites are easily in the top five greatest inventions of the century.  It goes:  bikinis, television, video games, rubbermaid furniture, and then Bagel Bites (because porn was invented last century). Bagel Bites are adorably bite-sized, packed full of flavor and texture, and you can get a box of thirty of these little bastards at your local grocery store for under $10. That means that you and three of your closest friends can enjoy a feast of nearly 100 Bagel Bites for around $8 each. Throw in some XBox and some late-night internet porn (after your friends leave, of course) and you’ve got the recipe for a great night.
 
The Super-Special Recipe: Remember that half of a jar of pasta sauce that’s just sitting in your fridge? You know you want to dump that all over your Bagel Bites. Do it!
 
Sonic’s Chili-Cheese Tater Tots
 
Anyone who’s fortunate enough to live near a Sonic Drive-In can verify that Sonic’s regular menu is basically a Stoner’s Paradise, but their Chili-Cheese Tater Tots are easily the top contender. They’re reasonably priced, so you can get about 5 orders of these puppies before you’re even approaching the price of a normal fast food meal, and the dish contains three stoner staples: chili, cheese, and tater tots, a flavor combination that kicks you in the face like the love-child of Chris Brown and a rabid kangaroo. 

The Super-Special Recipe: Throw a handful of Fritos (or Chili-Cheese Fritos, if you’re feeling extra bold) into the mix for an added crunchiness and a little bit of a salty flavor that might make you pass out from sheer mouth ecstasy.
 

Pop Tarts

 
 

For most of us, Pop Tarts are the foundation of our understanding of what a pastry is. You can pop them in the toaster for a simultaneously crispy and gooey treat, or you can eat them raw, right out of the thin aluminum wrapper, just like the astronauts do it!  The wide variety of Pop Tart flavors can appeal to nearly any taste, whether it be the traditional Cherry, S’mores-flavored, or even the brown sugar ones with the diahrrea-colored frosting.  They also come in two-packs, and there’s nothing better when you’re high than suddenly remembering you actually have twice as much food as you thought you did.
 
The Super-Special Recipe: For a real flavor kick, try toasting a couple of Pop Tarts, and then spreading butter on them while they’re piping hot.  The butter will melt into the frosting and create an unfathomable concoction of goodness. You can also make any delicious sandwich using pop tarts in place of bread.
 
Late Night Jalapeno Popper Doritos
 
The most amazing thing about this flavor of Doritos is that they actually taste exactly like jalapeno poppers late at night.  I don’t know how it’s possible, but the people at Doritos (who must be high all the time) have really outdone themselves this time. There are a couple of other flavors in the Doritos "Late Night" collection; a Taco flavor and a cheeseburger flavor or something like that. They’re both pretty good, too, but the jalapeno poppers are so tasty they’ll make your balls tingle a little bit, and the best part is that they’re incredibly easy to find when you’re stumbling through the grocery store, blazed out of your mind and looking for something to munch on; they’ll be the only product on the chip aisle that’s in a black bag with neon light lettering on it, so just look for the food that most closely resembles a strip club. Well-played, Doritos, well-played.
 
The Super Special Recipe: Two words: QUESO DIP. 
 

Gatorade

 
 
Y’know those soap commercials on TV, where it shows the guy sniffing the soap and then he suddenly gets hit in the face with spring water, or snow, or whatever else can be used as an analogy for freshness, and then it comes back to the guy in the store, and he makes a face like, "Woah, that’s fresh!" and then he puts the soap in his cart?  Well, imagine if that commercial was in 3-D, because that’s what it’s like to drink Gatorade when you’re high.  It doesn’t matter what flavor you choose, your Gatorade is going to taste awesome. Maybe it’s the electrolytes. Maybe it’s the subtle fruity goodness. Maybe it’s the cool shaped bottle…or maybe it’s all part of Gatorade’s devious little plan to– no, on second thought, it’s probably the electrolytes.
 
The Super-Special Recipe: Gatorade pops, motherf*ckers! Try pouring some gatorade into a cup and leaving it in the freezer for a couple of hours to make delicious gatorade popsicles. You can try putting a stick in them when their partially frozen, but you’d better try that before you start blazing, because it’ll be way too complicated when you’re high. Otherwise, just let it freeze and eat it with a spoon.
 
Jack In The Box’s Taco Nachos
 
Somewhere deep within the bowels of Jack in the Box’s headquarters (which have to be really messy), there’s a super-blazed kid sitting in a room somewhere, and a bunch of scientists keep bringing strange concoctions of food into him and saying "How does this taste? Is it good? Would you buy it?". Of course, the kid is super-blazed so he says yes to everything, and that’s why you can go to Jack in the Box and get a hamburger, or tacos, or egg rolls, or a teriyaki bowl, or a grilled cheese sandwich, or a fried chicken breakfast burrito at any hour of the day.  The undisputed champion of Jack in the Box’s incredibly stoner-friendly menu is, without a doubt, the Taco Nachos.  Basically, they’ve taken a bunch of their tacos (already a tried-and-true stoner favorite), dumped a bucket-full of nacho cheese on them, and garnished it with jalapenos and BACON. This one is going to hurt on the way out, but going in, it’ll be pure bliss.
 
The Super-Special Recipe: Just add TONS of Hot Sauce.
 
Hawaiian Shave Ice
 
 
I used to work at a Shave Ice stand in Arizona.  About 75% of the customers on any given day were clearly stoned out of their minds, and now I know exactly why: shave ice is great when you’re sober, but when you’re high, it is f*ckin’ incredible.  Shave ice is different than a sno-cone, because the ice is shaved off of a large cube with a razor blade, not chipped away with an ice pick, like a sno-cone. That means that it has a much softer texture, and it absorbs juice a lot better than a sno-cones do, and stays frozen longer as well. Also, most shave ice places have a wide assortment of flavors, aside from just your standard sno-cone flavors.  Obviously, shave ice is not as readily available as some of the other items on this list, and it may be hard (or impossible) to find, depending on where you live and what time of year it is, but that makes the experience that much more magical: when you find a shave ice stand and you’re incredibly high, it’s like the planets have magically aligned. It’s like the universe wants you to eat that shave ice, man! That is far out. Cherish that moment.
 
The Super-Special Recipe: Most shave ice places will give you two flavors for free, so experiment and have a blast. It’s virtually impossible to f*ck it up with the wrong flavors, because it’s going to be delicious no matter what. My personal favorite has to be cherry and green apple. It sounds a little basic, but the sweet and sour combination in those two flavors is unbelievable. Some shave ice places will also offer cream on top of it, which will blow your f*&kin’ mind!
 

55 Responses to "The 7 Best Foods to Eat When You’re Stoned"

  1. JKay says:

    Has anyone else noticed how the Sonic mascot (a giant drink cup) looks stoned out of his mind? I’m talkin’ Towlie stoned.

  2. Stink says:

    Tried the grilled cheese last night. It was good but I nearly burned the fucking things. I got too high

  3. Findangle says:

    What a bunch of Schmucks!!! I am telling all your moms on ya.. no comp for a week..Why, cause your new Daddy just said so……..That’s fucking why..

  4. -Q says:

    Fruity Pebbles. Beef N’ Cheddar. Crunch Wrap Supreme. Gatorade or equivalent. Flavored Chips. Pizza Rolls. Fuckin’ Beer.

  5. J says:

    I hate everything on this list accept the nachos and the icey my replacement 5 are as follows:

    1. Sonic Chedd’r Peppers – an explosive combination of cheesy and spicey, crispy and crunchy……wash it down with a Cherry Lemonade and you’re good to go

    2. Lucky Charms…..what can i say, they’re magically delicious

    3. Cherry Bombs…..gooey gummy bear like texture with liquid candy lava in the center, oh so pleasant to the palette

    4. Tader Joe’s Turkey Jerky…..I’ve tried the jerkey at 7-11, tried it from stop n shop nothing compares to the jerky @ joes

    5. Ice cold beer….whatever brand floats your boat is fine as long as it’s frosty cold

  6. BIG DICK MAN says:

    U GAY BRO….U GAY

  7. SHAVE ICE says:

    AND FUCK YOU TOO

  8. c-hagg says:

    Gotta love re-posts. For the sake of those with at least some long-term memory, at least acknowledge that fact.

  9. BIG DICK MAN says:

    HAPPY 420 EVERYONE , GET HIGH!!!

  10. Captain 420 says:

    monster energy drink or any energy drink of your choice. they have super powerful sweet tingly flavor. plus monster is green. and you gotta have it super cold to make it taste good. dude i am celebrating asap with it, so good trust me

  11. D Piddy says:

    Pizza rolls have replaced bagel bites.

  12. Kenny Powers says:

    eh, but these are all terrible foods. except the chili cheese tots

  13. 00kla the M0k says:

    You didn’t learn from the admonishments posted in response to this last year. Couldn’t you have just changed one or two of these? At the very least cut Gatorade and add Cap’n Crunch. Sigh … I’ve not the heart to repeat it all again.

  14. Ed says:

    Homemade milk shakes with peanut butter in it. Also like fresh baked brownies with vanilla ice cream.

  15. Stick says:

    Shave Ice? I’ve never heard of that before. It’s water ice here.

  16. peteyroberto says:

    water, lots of water….and funyuns.

    where in the fuck is beef jerky?! which you can dip in practically nething ranch hot sauce is my fave…
    and chinese buffet should be on here 2…

  17. Finnegan says:

    Yes and in just 10 days we shall celebrate the Fuhrers death /cheer

    Already prepared my genuine german shepdog stew. Got the recipe from a chinese friend of mine. It’s deeeeelic !

  18. Finnegan says:

    Probably not only gay but also french…

  19. TG99 says:

    This list could’ve been better. Fuck shave ice.

  20. pratik says:

    A peanut butter-related food item didn’t make it on the list? For shame.

  21. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    Homo alert!

  22. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    They’re obviously too high to remember and/or care…

  23. She's So Effing Right! says:

    HAPPY 4/20!! They should re-title this the 7 Foods to Eat ONLY When Your Stoned! All this stuff is nasty…but i’m so high right now, i’d eat any of it!!

  24. IHateBagelBites says:

    Bagel Bites fucking suck. Just make a pizza. HAHAHA, the squiggly words it made me type in is “Power Diddled”

  25. Dangerous Man Uno says:

    After Smoker 2 bongs of some hydroponic
    I usually slay two squirrels and drink their blood on hot summer day. THen I stir fry the meat and eat that shit with a
    bottle of Jack.
    Then I take 20 Bong Hits of the best Chiba around
    and wait for the ice cream man then hop in his ride and eat all his ice cream. Before he notices I’m there I take a shit in all the containers and take a long piss on his neck then I jump out the window. When he gets up boy is he surprised I just 2girl 1 cup’d his ice cream truck!’

    Anyway now I gotta smoke a blunt of weed and hit some shits of Jack, byatch.

  26. HOLYTACO says:

    COCKS GET ME HUNGRY EVERY TIME!

  27. DylanDangit says:

    Dudes a Grilled Cheese should be on this list…Grilled Cheese and a glass of Chocolate Milk, Freaking AYE sign me up!

  28. Birthday Wishes says:

    I would like to thank everyone for celebrating Hitler’s b-day to day. So eat, smoke, and celebrate the birthday of our Fuhrer!!

  29. HaroldKoch says:

    fag.

  30. kb says:

    none of those are my favorite, the best thing has to be cereal, b/c of it is so easy to make which is nice when you’re high and it’s food and also something to wet you mouth

  31. jethro says:

    I once got diarrhea from eating old frozen bagel bites…. at least I think it was from the bagel bites

  32. justin says:
    gay.
  33. lindsey says:

    okay, how taco bell didnt make it on here i just dont know. But everything on here sucks, i know i never get the munchies for gatorade, STUPID.

  34. emmakitty says:

    they forgot white castle! i mean wut stoner dont love some white castle.

  35. Dangerous Man Uno says:

    Listen Bro,
    I have sex at any given moment, usually after a burrito sized blunt.
    When I have sex, I have to call nasa, because I send bitches to the moon.
    Yeah BRo, I’m so ungay its not funny.
    Dangerous Man Uno has a PlexiGlass Dildo waiting to be smacked across your bitchass!

  36. austin howard says:

    54321 All of that shits gay as fuck check it, My top five things to put in your mouth/eat/drink when blown,First Puff on some skunk great smell, or poppcorn great taste, or Fire for an unpremium weed that gets ya high as fuge… Lets get started,

    5. Girl scout cookies , Definently thin mints how about frozen thin mints, they go hard.
    4 and a half… Females my dick trust me, i eat alot of fruit so my cum is sweet, reel nice when ur blown to, this was a joke, im getting back on base.
    4. Fruit, any kind of fruit real fruit not a fruit drink they are commpletyl different but o.j. does go hard, Apples are the best
    3. Club Crackers, Gives you the cottonmouth, major buzz booster.
    2. Orange Juice, Seriously you know when you high you drink it strait from tha jug, one gulp wont kut it yull go back for more, so just bring it with you to the lounge area and whatch a movie that has nudity in it.
    1. Honey BBQ Fucking Fritos, do it just eatem best thing ever, ” BET YOU CANT EAT JUST ONE BAG OF THOSE MOTHAFUCKERS” Said best by snoopdog.

    You want somthin to watch to, itll have to be the movie Super Bad And the show Manswers on spike.

    Austin Howard, The

  37. austin howard says:

    You Are So Write,

    I Love You Man

  38. an anon says:

    fuckin’ right. fried exterior > doughy pizza bagels.

    ..although i do love the fact that i’m kind of eating dozens of small prsonal pizzas when i have bagel bites. can’t beat that:)

    whoever mentioned 7-11 nachos, you are the man. 7-11 is also great cause you can get your blunts there, stock up on food and be on your way. anyone like cheeseburger dogs from there, too? ketchup and cheese on it and an arizona tea to wash it down and thats how you eat my stoned friends..

    regards
    an anon

  39. Fat Ball Lick says:

    You’re mother is wrong, for making 4 dumb fucking idiots.

  40. e says:

    ur brain is broke. y would u repost something frm a year ago?

  41. justin says:
    Your calendar’s broken. This is from a year ago.
  42. KBNIGGA says:

    Ya niggas be dumb. Who give a fuck. Shut the fuck up and get the fuck off. Get off the computer. Stop smoking weed. It is dumb. Go get a job. Weed is dumb. I am an Anti-Weed Supporter. JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!! Go weed (: Lets get high!!!!

  43. Rich Butler says:

    pwn?

  44. Anonymousy is Dyslexic says:

    duck my sick

  45. Anonymousy says:

    ^
    DonkeyPwnte returns.

  46. DomkeyXote says:

    I get a thousand orgasms in my mouth from my hermaphrodite sister….blah blah blah, my jokes are getting stale, maybe I should come up with some new material , or a new persona.

  47. classic says:

    this list is pathetic. how did pizza or taco bell not make the list? at least pizza. it’s in every stoner movie. sonic tots? no way.

  48. Jo Diggs says:

    I love a plate of Bagel bites and a Mountain Dew after firing up a big fat one!

    Lou
    http://www.vpn-privacy.us.tc

  49. SMOKESWEED says:

    God damn I’m not high enough.

  50. poopstick says:

    first. shiet.

  51. Secret Identity says:

    No you’re not because this is a repost from a week or two ago.

  52. Eveboy420 says:

    Ummm 7-11 nachos ” you fukkin homos!!”

  53. Kos Kesh says:

    Thats what im sayin you fukkin homos!!!

  54. austin howard says:

    Comment back please…

  55. Adolf Hitler says:

    Weed is for niggers