If there's anything that's more excellent than having sex with a woman, it's finding out later that you did NOT father her bastard child. If that realization happens on television in front of millions of trashy unemployed viewers, then you are so getting laid when you get back to your trailer park, and you have every reason to celebrate. Here are 7 ways you can celebrate your Maury Povich paternity test results:
The White Handkerchief Of Victory Method
Any time you can lead the crowd in cheers while you perform a somewhat complicated dance routine, all in celebration that you didn't impregnate a woman, you have a good shot at making this list. But what really makes this method work is the improvisation involved. Notice how this guy removed a handkerchief and rather elegantly waved it to the crowd, as if he owned a horse that just won the Kentucky Derby. That's called style.
The X-Factor
This is an excellent method for a couple of reasons: First, the skanky white trash girlfriend the guy has sitting next to him reacts like she's just been called as the next contestant on The Price Is Right. The second and more important reason is that, after the dude finds out, he gives the woman the Stone Cold Steve Austin move of making an X with his arms and slamming it down towards his crotch. Any time you can incorporate wrestling moves in to your celebration, you're golden.
The Backwards Superman
First fling your body backwards with reckless abandon, then burst into a sprint, which probably reaches speeds of 27-28 miles per hour, as seen in the example above. They should enter this guy in the 100 meters in the olympics and then instead of firing a gun to start, they just have Povich next to him going "You are....NOT THE FATHER!" I guarantee he at least places in the top three.
The M. Night Shyamalan Ending
This method is full of twists and turns, and nobody really knows exactly where it's going to end. Maury delivered this one perfectly. You think everything worked out fine and then.... BOOM! This is like the Sixth Sense of Paternity Test reveals.
The Hat Throw
This method ranks high because it involves two separate, but equally awesome/despicable moves. When the first baby isn't yours, throw your hat in the woman's face. That's exactly what you want when you find out your child is a bastard; a Kangol to the face. Then, when the second prospective baby isn't yours, try to hug that woman while you're screaming and shouting for joy.
The Oblivious Idiot
You'll get extra points with this reaction if your spaghetti arm run to the back is executed perfectly, as in the example above. Be advised, though: this method involves you being a complete idiot, and we're talking "can't figure out velcro shoes" stupid. We're talking so stupid that you can't figure out that two white people can't make a black baby. Never underestimate the power of denial combined with complete stupidity.
The Wade Robson
This is the method of a true champion. We've seen a few guys dance upon hearing the news, but this guy's routine is so eloquent, I feel like I'm watching a back up dancer during a Shakira performance during the half time of the Super Bowl. You don't just happen upon dance moves like this, meaning he potentially rehearsed this reaction, or he's been in the Paternity Test situation so many times before that he actually built a routine specifically for this occurence. Either way, that's baddass.
This is the funniest article I've seen here in a while. In fact, if this whole website was dedicated to Maury Paternity test reactions, I wouldn't complain.
As a long time lover of the HOLY TACO, I have to call out re-run on this one...Im pretty sure this almost exact article was posted a couple years ago. Nevertheless, its still f**kn hilarious. Just like re-runs of Arrested Development
stone cold gives two middle fingers followed by a stunner. not at all the same thing as the dx 'suck it' quite a glaring and offensive miscitation of wrestling lore.
(26 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
October 26th, 2009 at 10:13 am
This is the funniest article I've seen here in a while. In fact, if this whole website was dedicated to Maury Paternity test reactions, I wouldn't complain.
October 26th, 2009 at 10:56 am
At what point in time was Stone Cold part of Degeneration-x?
October 26th, 2009 at 04:32 pm
I was going to say the same thing. I was waiting for "the Stunner" in that clip.
October 26th, 2009 at 07:09 pm
fucking dorks
October 26th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Well done HT, a bit of redemption for the scary ghost set.
October 26th, 2009 at 11:27 am
why is this one out of the list? its great!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coYY7V9AVPc&feature=related
October 28th, 2009 at 08:42 am
kind of misleading, I was hoping the chick in the Rascal would do the victory dance
October 26th, 2009 at 11:27 am
that was money, HT.
October 26th, 2009 at 11:32 am
LMFAO at the oblivious idiot that girl is ugly as hell
October 29th, 2009 at 03:24 pm
How did she get TWO men to f**k her
October 26th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
As a long time lover of the HOLY TACO, I have to call out re-run on this one...Im pretty sure this almost exact article was posted a couple years ago. Nevertheless, its still f**kn hilarious. Just like re-runs of Arrested Development
October 26th, 2009 at 02:54 pm
I knew I couldn't be the only one who noticed... but to hell with that, it was still fucking hilarious the second time.
October 26th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
They are out of town and pretty much said there would be reposts. This is still better than that dressing up animals shit.
October 27th, 2009 at 01:03 am
yeah but did either of the writers even work here when this article was originally posted?
October 27th, 2009 at 09:24 am
I did! I did!
October 26th, 2009 at 01:56 pm
stone cold gives two middle fingers followed by a stunner. not at all the same thing as the dx 'suck it' quite a glaring and offensive miscitation of wrestling lore.
October 26th, 2009 at 03:54 pm
These are all hilarious, but how in the world could you have missed this one?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ys4IZqYM00
That is the KING of Maury paternity tests.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:40 am
WOW! That man MAY be the biggest douche I've ever seen! I think he even tops carrot top...
October 26th, 2009 at 04:37 pm
Most laughter I've had in ages
Pure Gold
October 28th, 2009 at 08:46 am
I agree, it was a mistake reading this during class, now everyone is looking at me weird
October 26th, 2009 at 05:07 pm
Holy hell that's some funny shit! I need to start planning my celebration now if I'm going to top these guys.
October 26th, 2009 at 05:43 pm
there are some fucking ugly people out there. You have to get a permit to have a dog but any ugly stupid inbred can have a baby.
October 26th, 2009 at 05:44 pm
it's badass
October 26th, 2009 at 06:41 pm
Nice fucking post. funny as hell HT
October 27th, 2009 at 09:21 pm
1, 3, and 7
October 28th, 2009 at 07:23 pm
... prime numbers?
Fucktard.
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