If there’s anything that’s more excellent than having sex with a woman, it’s finding out later that you did NOT father her bastard child. If that realization happens on television in front of millions of trashy unemployed viewers, then you are so getting laid when you get back to your trailer park, and you have every reason to celebrate. Here are 7 ways you can celebrate your Maury Povich paternity test results:
The White Handkerchief Of Victory Method
Any time you can lead the crowd in cheers while you perform a somewhat complicated dance routine, all in celebration that you didn’t impregnate a woman, you have a good shot at making this list. But what really makes this method work is the improvisation involved. Notice how this guy removed a handkerchief and rather elegantly waved it to the crowd, as if he owned a horse that just won the Kentucky Derby. That’s called style.
This is an excellent method for a couple of reasons: First, the skanky white trash girlfriend the guy has sitting next to him reacts like she’s just been called as the next contestant on The Price Is Right. The second and more important reason is that, after the dude finds out, he gives the woman the Stone Cold Steve Austin move of making an X with his arms and slamming it down towards his crotch. Any time you can incorporate wrestling moves in to your celebration, you’re golden.
The Backwards Superman
First fling your body backwards with reckless abandon, then burst into a sprint, which probably reaches speeds of 27-28 miles per hour, as seen in the example above. They should enter this guy in the 100 meters in the olympics and then instead of firing a gun to start, they just have Povich next to him going "You are….NOT THE FATHER!" I guarantee he at least places in the top three.
The M. Night Shyamalan Ending
This method is full of twists and turns, and nobody really knows exactly where it’s going to end. Maury delivered this one perfectly. You think everything worked out fine and then…. BOOM! This is like the Sixth Sense of Paternity Test reveals.
The Hat Throw
This method ranks high because it involves two separate, but equally awesome/despicable moves. When the first baby isn’t yours, throw your hat in the woman’s face. That’s exactly what you want when you find out your child is a bastard; a Kangol to the face. Then, when the second prospective baby isn’t yours, try to hug that woman while you’re screaming and shouting for joy.
The Oblivious Idiot
You’ll get extra points with this reaction if your spaghetti arm run to the back is executed perfectly, as in the example above. Be advised, though: this method involves you being a complete idiot, and we’re talking "can’t figure out velcro shoes" stupid. We’re talking so stupid that you can’t figure out that two white people can’t make a black baby. Never underestimate the power of denial combined with complete stupidity.
The Wade Robson
This is the method of a true champion. We’ve seen a few guys dance upon hearing the news, but this guy’s routine is so eloquent, I feel like I’m watching a back up dancer during a Shakira performance during the half time of the Super Bowl. You don’t just happen upon dance moves like this, meaning he potentially rehearsed this reaction, or he’s been in the Paternity Test situation so many times before that he actually built a routine specifically for this occurence. Either way, that’s baddass.