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7 Best Maury Povich Paternity Result Reactions

If there’s anything that’s more excellent than having sex with a woman, it’s finding out later that you did NOT father her bastard child.  If that realization happens on television in front of millions of trashy unemployed viewers, then you are so getting laid when you get back to your trailer park, and you have every reason to celebrate.  Here are 7 ways you can celebrate your Maury Povich paternity test results:  
 
The White Handkerchief Of Victory Method
 
 
Any time you can lead the crowd in cheers while you perform a somewhat complicated dance routine, all in celebration that you didn’t impregnate a woman, you have a good shot at making this list. But what really makes this method work is the improvisation involved. Notice how this guy removed a handkerchief and rather elegantly waved it to the crowd, as if he owned a horse that just won the Kentucky Derby.  That’s called style.
 
The X-Factor
 
 
This is an excellent method for a couple of reasons: First, the skanky white trash girlfriend the guy has sitting next to him reacts like she’s just been called as the next contestant on The Price Is Right. The second and more important reason is that, after the dude finds out, he gives the woman the Stone Cold Steve Austin move of making an X with his arms and slamming it down towards his crotch. Any time you can incorporate wrestling moves in to your celebration, you’re golden.
 
The Backwards Superman
 
 

First fling your body backwards with reckless abandon, then burst into a sprint, which probably reaches speeds of 27-28 miles per hour, as seen in the example above. They should enter this guy in the 100 meters in the olympics and then instead of firing a gun to start, they just have Povich next to him going "You are….NOT THE FATHER!" I guarantee he at least places in the top three.
 
The M. Night Shyamalan Ending
 
 
This method is full of twists and turns, and nobody really knows exactly where it’s going to end. Maury delivered this one perfectly. You think everything worked out fine and then…. BOOM! This is like the Sixth Sense of Paternity Test reveals.
 
The Hat Throw
 
 
This method ranks high because it involves two separate, but equally awesome/despicable moves. When the first baby isn’t yours, throw your hat in the woman’s face. That’s exactly what you want when you find out your child is a bastard; a Kangol to the face. Then, when the second prospective baby isn’t yours, try to hug that woman while you’re screaming and shouting for joy.
 
The Oblivious Idiot
 
 
You’ll get extra points with this reaction if your spaghetti arm run to the back is executed perfectly, as in the example above. Be advised, though: this method involves you being a complete idiot, and we’re talking "can’t figure out velcro shoes" stupid.  We’re talking so stupid that you can’t figure out that two white people can’t make a black baby.  Never underestimate the power of denial combined with complete stupidity.
 
The Wade Robson
 
 
This is the method of a true champion.  We’ve seen a few guys dance upon hearing the news, but this guy’s routine is so eloquent, I feel like I’m watching a back up dancer during a Shakira performance during the half time of the Super Bowl. You don’t just happen upon dance moves like this, meaning he potentially rehearsed this reaction, or he’s been in the Paternity Test situation so many times before that he actually built a routine specifically for this occurence.  Either way, that’s baddass.
 

31 Responses to "7 Best Maury Povich Paternity Result Reactions"

  1. Rafael says:

    Most laughter I’ve had in ages

    Pure Gold

  2. Kwin says:

    Holy hell that’s some funny shit! I need to start planning my celebration now if I’m going to top these guys.

  3. nuahs maul says:

    there are some fucking ugly people out there. You have to get a permit to have a dog but any ugly stupid inbred can have a baby.

  4. office jerk says:

    it’s badass

  5. Claynoidial says:

    Nice fucking post. funny as hell HT

  6. ZMoney says:

    1, 3, and 7

  7. Teddy Picker says:

    I agree, it was a mistake reading this during class, now everyone is looking at me weird

  8. O Squiggly Line says:

    … prime numbers?

      Fucktard.
  9. sexxylilmomma says:

    maury i dont have a favorite all of them is my favorite.Back in my days there was not no your not the father, if the feed them long enough they came out lookin like the father

  10. Sucka! says:

    Apparently sexxylilmomma has used her post as an excuse to sucker in her baby daddy(s)

  11. Lilly Collette says:

    Look at my FaceBook page
    http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=628405884#!/profile.php?id=628405884

    See the 25 year old Asian man who believed a blue eyed blond was his daddy because his White mommie said so.

    Maury, HELP!!!

  12. incorrects says:

    This is the funniest article I’ve seen here in a while. In fact, if this whole website was dedicated to Maury Paternity test reactions, I wouldn’t complain.

  13. TheZodiac says:

    At what point in time was Stone Cold part of Degeneration-x?

  14. Mr. Gecko says:

    I was going to say the same thing. I was waiting for “the Stunner” in that clip.

  15. skott says:

    fucking dorks

  16. z0mb1 says:

    Now, if someone tossed him a couple of beers, and he cracked and one-shot guzzled them, THAT would have been a Stone Cold move.

    Or if he hit his wife… Just sayin’.

  17. MaxSpain says:

    Well done HT, a bit of redemption for the scary ghost set.

  18. exmuorg says:

    why is this one out of the list? its great!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coYY7V9AVPc&feature=related

  19. Teddy Picker says:

    kind of misleading, I was hoping the chick in the Rascal would do the victory dance

  20. noahaction says:

    that was money, HT.

  21. Rebecca says:

    LMFAO at the oblivious idiot that girl is ugly as hell

  22. Anonymous1 says:

    How did she get TWO men to f**k her

  23. ABSENTEE FATHER says:

    As a long time lover of the HOLY TACO, I have to call out re-run on this one…Im pretty sure this almost exact article was posted a couple years ago. Nevertheless, its still f**kn hilarious. Just like re-runs of Arrested Development

  24. Andy says:

    I knew I couldn’t be the only one who noticed… but to hell with that, it was still fucking hilarious the second time.

  25. nerd says:

    They are out of town and pretty much said there would be reposts. This is still better than that dressing up animals shit.

  26. Anyonymous says:

    yeah but did either of the writers even work here when this article was originally posted?

  27. justin says:
    I did! I did!
  28. poopants says:

    stone cold gives two middle fingers followed by a stunner. not at all the same thing as the dx ‘suck it’ quite a glaring and offensive miscitation of wrestling lore.

  29. Wat says:

    These are all hilarious, but how in the world could you have missed this one?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ys4IZqYM00

    That is the KING of Maury paternity tests.

  30. FunnyMonkey says:

    WOW! That man MAY be the biggest douche I’ve ever seen! I think he even tops carrot top…