7 Comic Book Villains That Should Exist Today

Origin: After suffering severe beatings at the hands of athletic, macho men during his younger years, Sensitive Step Dad was nursed back to health by a group of middle-aged spinsters. During that time, he adopted many of their effeminate characteristics, which gave him a profound understanding of single soccer moms.

 

Power: The ability to use his vast knowledge of scented candles and sandals to move in on your mom. At first, your mom will think of Sensitive Step Dad as a good friend, but over time, his ability to cook, his love of animals and romantic comedies take their friendship to the next level. The next thing you know, he’s tucking you in at night and asking you to call him "pop."

 

Weakness: Sensitive Step Dad is no match for his arch nemesis, Drunken-Rage Real Dad.

 

 

DJ MVP 

Origin: One of a million failed club DJs from the early 2000’s, DJ MVP became a wedding DJ, causing his ego to become immensely inflated.

Power: Has the uncanny ability to consider himself the most important person in the room, even though he’s always at someone else’s wedding.  Constantly hordes the spotlight, steals the attention from the bride and groom, and makes sure that everyone knows what he’s doing at all times.

Weakness:  Will suffer a severe mental breakdown if he doesn’t hear the song “Shout” at least once every ten minutes.

 

The Orange Guido

Origin: A freak tanning bed accident trapped Mikey Francesco, exposing him to 1000 times the normal dose of UV rays.  Instead of burning, it toughened his skin, making him impervious to sucker punches.

Power: The Orange Guido is protected by a force-field of Drakkar Noir cologne.  The guido uses his Jager-sword to poison you until you’re unsure of your surroundings.  Then, depending on if you’re male or female, he’ll say something about the level of cunt your mother is and beat you with his golden broken bottle, or he’ll subdue you by telling you "shit is all good"
and slipping his penis inside you while you sleep.

Weakness: If you ask him questions about works of literature, he’ll become confused and his skin will heat up, causing it to turn bright red, at which point he’ll be susceptible to bouncers.

 

 

 

The Drunken Mistake

Origin: She usually lives downtown somewhere, usually within walking distance of the bar you have spent the last six hours drinking in.

Power: Through copious amounts of alcohol, the Drunken Mistake takes advantage of your lowered standards to lure you into her bedroom lair. You will have little memory of what happens during your time alone with her, but somehow it will haunt you for the rest of your days.

Weakness: Try as you might, you will be unable to fight off The Drunken Mistake on any weekend night after 1am. At that point, the only person who can stop her is The Designated Driver. If he is not around, or if you are taking a cab that evening, you are doomed.

Vomitoria

Origin: Driven to insanity by numerous childhood tauntings, she was mistakenly inspired by Ghandi to seek revenge on “eaters”. everywhere.

Power:  By day she is mild-mannered Penguins Frozen Yogurt employee Anna Reksik, but at night she ravages fine dining establishments and food outlets, feeding all of their contents to her eternally hungry gator, “Sir Chomps-a-lot”.

Weakness:  No matter how hard she tries, she cannot overcome her love of celery sticks and peanut butter.  As a result, she carries a vomit jar at all times, just in case she is exposed to them.

 

Dr. Touch McKidsbuttholes

Origin:  Dr. Touch was once Patrick McTouch, a mild mannered priest until an incident where a group of children locked him in a confessional booth for nine hours with a pair of underwear they defecated in.

Power: Armed with a candy cane that emits a sweet scent that can be smelled by children miles away, Dr. Touch McKidsbuttholes lures children into his under ground church lair, in the bowels of south boston.

Weakness: His clean appearance and ability to project God’s shame upon you, normally keeps people off his trail, but if faced with a group lawsuit, he can be defeated.