7 Depressing What Ever Happened Tos

People love a good “what ever happened to” story, where you bring up a celebrity you haven’t heard from in 20 years and delight in what they’re up to nowadays.  Are they still acting?  Did they retire to a quiet life?  Did they hit the heroin hard and devolve into gay porn?  The possibilities are nearly endless.  Except that usually it’s just that they still act or retired.  That’s lame.  But every so often someone you knew way back when turned into a big sack of batshit crazy.

Willie Aames

Remember Willie Aames?  Of course not.  He was on Charles in Charge which science assures us the human mind can’t retain in memory because it’s just not worth it.  At any rate, Aames played hapless twit Buddy Lembeck, second fiddle to Scott Baio.  In 2011, that sentence is terribly depressing, but you have to remember, Scott Baio was important once.

After Charles in Charge ended, Aames most noticeable and noteworthy role (after a history of drugs and attempted suicide) was that of Bibleman, the Christian superhero who fights against evil with the power of the Lord.  It was about as cheesy as it sounded but they asked it by saying it was directed at small children, meaning if adults criticize it, they’re being pessimistic and difficult.  Well that’s us!

A man can only find the Lord for so long, however, before moving on to other pursuits and last we heard, Aames was working as a cruise director on a ship.  So that’s something.

Tina Yothers

Family Ties was responsible for making Michael J Fox famous, which is cool because Michael J Fox was in Back to the Future and that’s awesome.  Plus he did a few other cool things here and there.  Plus he has Parkinsons so don’t be an asshole.  But Family Ties also gave us Meredith Baxter-Birney who is a lesbian, Michael Gross who owned the Tremors franchise, Justine Bateman who didn’t do much till a hilarious guest role on Arrested Development and Brian Bonsall, who we’ll get to in a second.  And also Tina Yothers, who played someone who wasn’t Michael J Fox.  We could Google her character’s name, but we won’t.

What we will do is tell you that, after Family Ties she pursued a career in music that culminated in the lead role in a musical based on the life of porn star Linda Lovelace.  Lovelace was famous for the movie Deep Throat, which implies she did very little singing.

Brian Bonsall

Sticking with Family Ties, Brian played little brother Andy.  What an adorable scamp!  He also played Worf’s son on Star Trek: The Next Generation, complete with bum-shaped forehead.  And he made a handful of kids movies that were awful, too.  But then what happened?

After retiring from acting at age 14, Brian decided to dedicate his life to a mix of music and criminal activity.  After a couple of DUIs he graduated to domestic abuse, probabtion violations and failing to appear at court hearings.  Then he beat a man over the head with a barstool and that’s really the pinnacle of what he’s done since he retired.  Still on probation for that, as far as we know.

Jaleel White

Family Matters is unquestionably one of the worst sitcoms in the history of television.  It, for maybe one episode, was about the Winslow family.  And then some creative type person at the studio whose genetic makeup was equal parts Satan and Derp created Steve Urkel, the unfunniest damn thing that has ever or will ever make it to primetime network television and we fully appreciate what has already made it to primetime network television.  Things like Mad About You.  Small Wonder.  Cavemen.  King of Queens.

After blissfully being taken off of TV, Jaleel was forced to go through life still looking like Steve Urkel, who in turn looks a bit like a nerdy Admiral Ackbar, even without the glasses and suspenders.  He complimented this by attempting to be a jock at university and then doing cartoon voice acting for such notable characters as Sonic the Hedgehog.  His biggest claim to fame actually came with a hoax story that he had committed suicide began to circulate, a surefire sign you had made a wrong turn somewhere in life.  But fear not!  It wasn’t true and, in fact, Jaleel went on to do things like starring in Megashark vs Crocosaurus for SyFy and Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer for no one.  Because no one saw it.

Shannon Doherty

Two crosses is double Christian

One-time Brenda on a one-time popular show, Shannon Doherty was also on Charmed which at least happened in semi-recent memory.  After that, her reputation for being something of a bitch probably got the best of her.  So what happened after that?

In 2006, Shannon actually had a reality show in which she did people’s dirty work for them, like dumping boyfriends or telling people off.  Can you believe it was cancelled for poor ratings?  Stunning.

You may most recently remember her from two noteworthy performances – one on Dancing with the Stars, aka celebrity graveyard and two, in commercials for online schooling, which is the celebrity equivalent of you dancing for nickels.

Danny Pintauro

Hey, who was the boss on Who’s the Boss?  The answer is Angela, because she paid Tony’s salary.  It was a bit of a stupid question, really.  Anyway, if you watched Who’s the Boss, and why wouldn’t you because it featured Tony Danza and an elderly skank, you may remember little Danny Pintauro, Angela’s son who you just knew was going places in Hollywood.  Where did he go?  Gay men’s websites.

Holy Taco would not make fun of am an for being gay however, like Anthony Weiner before him, we will make fun of a man for putting his dink on the internet, which Danny Pintauro did.  He posted pics on a site called Manhunt which featured some manner of leather collar around his wang and assurances that he’s obedient.  It’s awesome for you if you have a leather weiner collar and you are sexually obedient, but tact definitely comes into play when you decide how and with whom to share this information. For instance, if you’re mildly famous, maybe don’t post that on the internet, just save it for when Lindsay Lohan visits.  Or, in this case, Andy Dick.

We’d link to the source we got this entry from but…actually, no we wouldn’t link to it.  We saw the pics.  Leather weiner collar.

Jeremy Miller

Growing Pains gave us Kirk Cameron, Boner and Canadian Alan Thicke, so yes, it has a lot to answer for.  But it also produced Jeremy Miller, who played Ben Seaver on the show.  What’s that?  How big is he in Asia?  Glad you asked.

So famous they have evenings with him in China.  Holy shit.