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7 Kids Who Could Kick Your Ass

If you haven’t seen Kick Ass yet, it’s a great opportunity for you to see a grown man beat the living crap out of a little girl, which is every bit as entertaining as it sounds. It’ll also get you thinking about how you’d hold up in a fight against a kid. While you’d surely beat the hell out of most kids in a fight, there are 7 kids that could definitely whoop your ass:
 
Hit Girl
from Kick Ass
 
Why She’s Badass: Hit Girl may only be a child, but she’s a fine-tuned, rage injected murder machine. In Kick Ass, we got to witness Hit Girl knocking off 5 hardcore gangsta thugs without even breaking a sweat. She doesn’t just beat them to hell, either. She stabs the shit out of those homies without even a moment of hesitation.
 
How She’ll Kick Your Ass: You’ll be hanging out in your lavish New York apartment, shortly after doing something bad. Suddenly the lights will go out, and before you can even recall where your fusebox is, you’ll be stabbed 7 times in the gut by Hit Girl’s spear thing that she uses to whoop bad guy ass with. In the off chance that you happen to get some kind of advantage on Hit Girl, you’ll instantly be shot through the head by her sniper dad, Big Daddy, who’s been positioned across the street with your head in his crosshairs the entire time.  The worst part about it: you got capped by Nic Cage.
 
Kevin McCallister
from Home Alone
 
Why He’s a Badass: Kevin McCallister is the most confident 8-year old in existence. He goes grocery shopping by himself, talks to the creepy old guy at church, and is even brave enough to yell at the scary furnace in the basement. Oh, and he also fights off two professional criminals by creating an obstacle course of danger and pain that would make both Rube Goldberg and Jigsaw titter with glee.
 
How He’ll Kick Your Ass: Kevin is not going to bring the fight to you. He’s going to make you chase him into some precarious location, and you’ll fully realize that you’re walking into an ambush, but your overwhelming hatred for that bright eyed, bushy-tailed son of a bitch will overpower any common sense that you might have. Then you’ll slip on an icy staircase, step on a nail, get severely burned by a blowtorch, then be tarred, feathered, and knocked down another staircase by a paint bucket pendulum, landing on a pile of shattered christmas tree decorations that you’ll be tweezing out of your ass for the next 6 months.
 
Daniel Larusso
from The Karate Kid
 

Why He’s a Badass: Like the mighty possom, at first glance Daniel-san is not very intimidating. As soon as you find yourself thinking that, you’re dead! Daniel-san’s success is based on his opponent severely underestimating him, and feeling a little sympathetic toward his innocent plight. Once he has you in that vulnerable position, he strikes out like a venemous snake or a really angry crane. And let’s not forget his almost super-human toughness and relentlessness. He got his ass kicked like 13 times before he ever won a fight.
 
How He’ll Kick Your Ass: The good news is that you’ll get to beat the hell out of Daniel-san at least once. Maybe a few times, even. After that, it gets a little ugly for you.  For a while, you’ll think that everything’s fine; you beat his ass good, and he’ll stay out of your way from now on.  Unfortunately, that’s not the case. Daniel-san is just taking a very long and deliberate approach to his revenge scheme. First, he’ll find out what your favorite hobby is. Then, he’ll get some excellent training from a local master of that particular hobby and enter a tournament in which he’ll compete against you. When the tournament comes around, he will again lure you into thinking you’re simply going to kick the shit out of him.  Then, out of nowhere, he’ll bust out some revolutionary move and kick you in the face.
 
John Connor
from Terminator 2
 
Why He’s a Badass: For the purposes of this article, let’s try to ignore the fact that we know what happens to John Connor when he grows up (he becomes the world’s number one badass and Chris Nolan hires him to play Batman), but the kid version of John Connor really holds his own as well. Not only does he keep his cool while avoiding murder by time traveling robots, but he can also hack ATM’s, jump-start cars, and even break in to the most secure vault in the headquarters of a huge electronics company in a matter of minutes. That’s pretty badass for a punk kid.

How He’ll Kick Your Ass: John has a few options when it comes to kicking your ass: First, he could just blow your ass away with one of the many guns he’s become a proficient user of throughout the course of his adventures. Second, he could just sick his personal Terminator bodyguard on you in the name of protecting him from danger. Of course, he could always choose the creative way to kick your ass: by taping a picture of his face onto yours, so that when T-1000 comes strolling around the corner, he’ll turn his murderous, liquid metal rampage on you, while the real John Connor sits back and enjoys the show.
 
Mathilda
from The Professional
 
Why She’s a Badass: Mathilda grew up in the house of a drug dealer and witnessed the massacre of her entire family. She then found refuge in the apartment of a neighbor, and that neighbor just happens to be a professional assassin who, for some reason, decides to train Mathilda in his craft so that she can get revenge on her family’s murderer before she reaches the tender age of 12. Pretty badass, right?
 
How She’ll Kick Your Ass: It goes without saying that Mathilda will kick your ass in a professional manner. It’ll either look like an accident, or it’ll look like you were brutally murdered by someone other than the 12-year old girl who’s standing in a corner holding a gun that she must have found when the killers dropped it. That must be it, because there’s absolutely no way that this little 12-year old girl could do all of this damage, right?
 
Fulton Reed
from The Mighty Ducks
 
Why He’s a Badass: Fulton Reed is the brute strength and muscle element of the most famous come-from-behind Cinderella story team in Minnesota youth hockey history. He’s a gentle giant, but he’s about 240 pounds of gentle giant.  He packs a powerful punch and superior strength for short range combat, but the long range attack is where he’s really dangerous. Apparently, he’s equipped with a slapshot that can knock a footlocker 10-feet back with laser-sighted precision and accuracy. That’ll do some damage to your cranium.
 
How He’ll Kick Your Ass: Fulton is not an instigator, so you’ll have to start the fight.  Fortunately, it won’t take much. All you have to do is hit a girl. Shortly thereafter, Fulton will show up out of nowhere (which is surprising, considering how massive he is), pick you up, and throw you over a wall. That’s when the pounding begins. Like a pregnant woman trying to open a pickle jar, Fulton will paw and hammer on you with a relentless fury, then he’ll let you run away, so that he can finish you off with his signature move: a 90mph slapshot to (and through) the back of your skull.
 
Damien Thorne
from The Omen

 
Why He’s a Badass: He’s the son of Satan. End of story.
 
How He’ll Kick Your Ass: With a wide array of tourture ideas at his disposal, Damien has an endless list of options when it comes to ass kicking. With Damien, however, the brutal ass kicking won’t be the end of your troubles. Damien doesn’t like to leave any survivors to tell the tale of their run in with him. He also doesn’t require any reason to start messing with you, outside of the fact that you’re in the same room as he is. Again, he’s the son of Satan, so I guess that’s just how pure evil works.
 

24 Responses to "7 Kids Who Could Kick Your Ass"

  1. pratik says:

    How about “any kid that sees the cereal aisle in the grocery store”?

    S/he’ll wage psychological war on you by embarrassing you in front of the whole store through crying, yelling, speaking in baby-tongues, and bringing up unrelated stuff at the top of their voice (you get to sniff the magic white powder at home, why can’t I get Captain Crunch??”.

  2. donkeyscrote says:

    Try beating your kids some more, that ought to shape ‘em up. That or stop sniffing that white powder in front of them.

  3. DonkeyXote says:

    Wooden spoons work miracles pratik. Also, you can try having a goat fuck them, that’s how my “parents” got me under control. Now that I’m a fat fuck that’s stuck in my mom’s “basement” I can hardly do anything but come onto HT and “flame” people…

  4. WTF says:

    Daniel-San is a bitch next to Damien
    but hey Hit Girl and Mathilda are badass kids too they will both kill u and nobody will suspect them
    shit i wish i could have a daughter like them

  5. masturbator and commander says:

    what time is it?

  6. DonkeyXote says:

    Time for your mexican bible study!

    Bend over bitch, get ready for me and Phil Jones!

  7. Zyanya says:

    Haha in total agreement.

  8. MooCowBang says:

    I do belive I have shat myself from laughing so hard. Time for “boom-boom” with my Malaysian she-boy, Yakko. And tell your mom to pay the rent…she’s late with it again…like her period…

  9. deeznuts says:

    lol

    you deleted all the comments about you f-up
    way to try to recover some face

  10. DonkeyPwnte says:

    It’s all for you, Damien. IT’S ALL FOR YOU!

    *motions to crotch while doing a plethora of slow-motion pelvic thrusts*

  11. Findangle says:

    What about the black kid from the Doritos commercial?

    “Keep yo hands off my momma,keep yo hands off my Doritos”

  12. Queefmasta says:

    That commercial sucked a big old dick.

  13. Poop scooped says:

    Your mom suc…
    Nah. Too easy.

  14. uhhh says:

    like your mom.

  15. Dwight Poop Schute says:

    One time I was fisting my butthole so hard and deep that I lost my Casio watch. The alarm went off while I was taking my driving test, it was sooooo embarassing!

  16. Lord Autumnbottom says:

    and it’s Daniel-san. This site is the shit, but pull your heads out of your asses when you’re talking about the Karate Kid. Also, fuck Will Smith

  17. Pat Morita says:

    Hai! Yes, is ‘Daniel-SAN’, not ‘Daniel-son’! You learn to spell, no? Or you do ‘wax on, wax off’ and paint house ‘side-side’ all day.

  18. mature adult says:

    Wow, you homos really like this fucking movie don’t you? Does every single dude in his 20′s want to be a superhero? No wonder none of you faggots ever get laid.

  19. Ben Affleck says:

    WOAH! I’m not one of those faggots! I want to be a super VILLAIN!

  20. asdasdasd says:

    they don’t like that movie. they’re paid to promote it.

  21. Mature Adult says:

    Oh really? Then I apologize.

  22. donkeyscrote says:

    No need to apologize, you look like a dumb-ass regardless.

  23. Phil Jones says:

    Maybe you should go to Adult websites where there are other Adult people there. Or an old folks home. You’re not needed here homo. Go, before i slap Donkey and Dwights cocks across your face and make you suck it bitch! P.s. Hit Girl will kill all of those fags.