Thanksgiving is one of our greatest holidays. We eat until we feel like we're going to die and then we lay around and watch football. But you're also forced to see family members that can turn all the gluttony into a big downer. Here are the seven worst.
7. THE RELIGIOUS RELATIVE
It's fine if you love Jesus. No one is saying you can't. But you have to understand that for the rest of us, Thanksgiving is the only Holiday we get where we don't have to hear about the man upstairs. Therefore, I don't give a shit that the shape of my mashed potatoes reminded you of a passage from Corinthians, I just want you to pass the salt. I may not know Jesus as well as you do, but if he's as cool as you say he is, then if he was invited over to somebody's house for dinner, he probably wouldn't spend the entire meal talking about how awesome he is. That sounds to me like an asshole.
Typical Conversation:
You: You know, I think if the Colts could get healthy, they could make a run this year.
Religious Relative: And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. James 5:15
You: Right. I'm pretty sure the Lord wasn't referring to someone having "turf toe."
6. THE PERSON WITH THE SECRET EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS
You'll know this person is coming to your thanksgiving about three and a half minutes before they get there, because you're mother will pull you aside and say, "Ben is coming. Now, he's gay, but he hasn't come out to the family yet, so don't say anything about gay things. Everyone, did you hear that? Ben is coming and he's gay, but he hasn't come out yet!" Now, all anyone can think of when they look at Ben is "gay, gay, gay,gay" and because you don't want to bring any attention to the fact that he's got this secret, you end up bringing even more attention to it by striking up a conversation that is the direct opposite of it, which ends up awkwardly becoming about said secret.
Typical Conversation:
You: So, Ben, how about that new James Bond Movie. He's a good James Bond right? I mean, just the way he acts, not like how he looks or anything. Not that he acts a certain way or that you can tell something from how somebody acts, but just like- wow, that's a lot of gravy on your plate. I mean, I like gravy-
5. THE FANTASY FOOTBALL GUY
Football on Thanksgiving is a tradition, but your fantasy team is not. So when the entire room wants to change the channel because the Lions are losing by 42 points with six minutes left, it's super annoying when you respond with, "Wait, wait, I just have to see if Calvin Johnson gets fourteen more receiving yards." To make matters worse, this person insists on telling you the score to their fantasy game, and the picks they made early in the season that have or have not panned out, like they were in a Nazi prison camp and a guard made them choose which one of their children lived.
Typical Conversation:
Fantasy Guy: YES!
You: Is it a close game?
FG: No, it's 46-20. Kevin Smith lost two yards. I need him to not gain more than ten yards the rest of the game, the guy I'm playing has him. I took Matt Forte instead of him, I was thinking of taking smith, but at the last second, I had Forte in my draft que and I just pushed "draft."
You: Great. Um, you think we can change the channel? There's three minutes left and we were hoping to watch anything but this.
FG: Yeah yeah of course, there's just three minutes left though. I just gotta make sure I win this week. Sorry.
4. THE NEW BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND THAT WON'T LAST
This person brought their boyfriend that they met three weeks ago when they were shit-faced drunk and letting people take body shots off their titties. Now everyone has to pretend like she and he are in a serious relationship, even though when he tells someone he's originally from Tuscon his "girlfriend" responds with "really, I thought you were from Fresno...Huh." And since now there's someone at the table that no one knows, everybody has to pretend like they have manners are care about what's going on in other people's lives. This leads to everyone at the table focusing on the fact that this dude they've never met before, and will never see again, is "in ad sales right now, but looking to maybe starting a club promotion business or something like that."
Typical Conversation:
You: I was thinking of buying a new Honda.
Cousin: Brian used to fix Hondas, right Brian?
Cousin's Boyfriend: Um, no. I know a guy who did, though.
Cousin: Really, I thought you did?
Cousin's Boyfriend: Nope.
(awkward silence)
Your Mom: Well, being a mechanic is a good job.
(more awkward silence)
3. THE OVERLY POLITICAL RELATIVE
You haven’t read the latest book by Ron Paul, and you have no idea what the trade deficit is, but that’s not going to stop the political freak from constantly quoting Ron Paul’s latest book about the trade deficit whenever there’s a two-second lull in the conversation. It doesn’t matter that your eyes glaze over like a ham when he starts spouting endless facts about civic policy and the economies of risk-management, he will not stop trying to get you to agree to a political stance that you have never heard of or couldn’t possibly care less about.
Typical Conversation:
You: Man, I can’t believe the holidays are already here.
Political Relative: You know what I can’t believe? I can’t believe that the S&P needs to increase by 33% just to get back to even over the next 12 months. And you know what else I can’t believe? The fact that Bernanke and Paulson have destroyed America as you and I know it. They’re the “experts”? Really? If they were so smart, then why didn’t they see this coming? Now we’re supposed to feel comfortable with these crooks in charge? Yes sir, you can kiss your nation goodbye forever.
You: Yeah, uhhh, time sure does fly.
Political Relative: And you know what won’t fly anymore pretty soon? Our bankrupt airlines. If you think Uncle Sam is going to keep bailing those mismanaged disasters forever you can think again.
You: I just want to eat some turkey.
2. THE SUPER OLD GRANDPARENT
We should all have some respect for our elders, but trying to have a conversation with your 96-year-old great grandmother is like talking to a junkie who just shot up. There’s a lot of mumbling and nodding off and when there is some conversation, it’s mostly just a series of repetitive stories from your childhood.
Typical Conversation:
You: Hey Grandma. Can I get you some stuffing? Are you thirsty?
Great Grandma: …zzzz…who? You remember when you used to come and visit us and you had such a good time? I remember that.
You: Yeah, that was fun.
Great Grandma: Remember when you used to come and…visit us in the summers? We had so much fun during those summers…zzzzz….hi! What grade are you in now?
You: I’m 33 and divorced, Grandma. I’m not in school anymore.
Great Grandma: Such a big boy! Look at you! I bet you study hard and get good marks. Are you going to come visit us this summer…
1. THE RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC
We get it. You don’t drink anymore. But we don’t need updates every five minutes that you “haven’t touched the stuff in six years, 48 days and 15 hours.” And you know what? I’m not an alcoholic. Just because one sip of booze would turn you into a raging alcohol monster who would drain the liquor cabinet and then start chugging Aqua Velva doesn’t mean the rest of the world can’t have a glass of wine. But the worst part about this guy is that he has absolutely nothing else to talk about.
Typical Conversation:
You: This turkey is delicious!
Recovering Alcoholic: Back when I was drinking, the only turkey I would have during the holidays was a bottle of Wild Turkey. And I would drink the whole thing by myself. I was so bad, back then. So bad.
You: Well, it’s great that you stopped.
Recovering Alcoholic: Whiskey, vodka, beer, sake, wine, rum, grain alcohol, bourbon, gin, you name it, I’ve drank it. But it’s been six years since a drop has passed these lips. Six loooooong years. It’s been great, but a day doesn’t go by when I’m not thinking about booze. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and it’s the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I love booze. That’s why I had to give it up.
You: Well…good for you. So, how are your kids doing?
Recovering Alcoholic: It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I used to drink so much. Then I hit rock bottom and gave it up all together. I knew if I didn’t I wouldn’t be here today. But I used to love drinking. It was my life. You should probably quit drinking, too. I used to be like you, a glass of wine here and there and then all of a sudden I was stealing from my daughter's piggy bank just to go get a bottle of rot gut. That’s how it always happens.
This entry - and really, your whole site - makes me so happy. You don't even understand. It's so wonderful to know there are assholes besides myself, be they overt or closet case.
Probably best not to call people stupid foreigners. You're just picking a fight with 95% of the world's population. Unfortunately most of them hate you already just because you are American.
Personally, I have nothing against you, I've never even met you.
" It's probably because we don't have an indian-genocide-remembrance in Europe, but I don't get the jokes.. " - stupid foreigner
point of history - it was the Spanish, English, French and Dutch who were mostly to blame for the genocide of Indians,
3/4 of the American Indians were already dead due to diseases and war before the declaration of Independence's
the pilgrims were English citizens ,
and anyway thanksgiving is a day to give thanks for what we have, its not a celebration of the genocide of the indians ............thats Columbus day !!
Aren't you cute pointing out that the people you sent over here killed the people living here, which makes you better than us, because you sent them over, so they are no longer you.
Also, none of these jokes had anything to do with the actual Holiday, perhaps you should visit your family sometimes. You're probably not invited though since they don't like you.
Well I'm Romanian, first generation in the states, and all my uncles argue about is politics in romania and america, I have 3 meth addict cousins and one whose on oxies.
lets see, there was 3 kids under 7 at my house, man that was fun running around making sure they didn't break anything.
Oh did I mention my meth addict cousin brought her heroin addicted boyfriend...
Can't wait to finish college and move far far away
I have an aunt who works in some Insurance company, which basically turns every big family dinner, like say Christmas eve into a 4 hours discussion about insurances and money...
OMG!!! I am the overly political relative, the Ron Paul Junkie. But my rant at the table was to the effect that people need to get involved and interested in politics and work toward electing better people to office.
As to the really elderly relative, we had a 96 year old at our gathering. He is actually a very delightful man who suffers more from low vision and decreased mobility. I asked him if he remembered the Great Depression. He remembered it well. These are the ones we need to be talking with. Listen to what they have to tell us and use it when the next one comes around. (As a Ron Paul junkie, I believe the Next One is imminent.)
THE SUPER OLD GRANDPARENT - She's a hottie, and I want to fuck her. I' can't stop jacking off to her lovely face. She could suck me dry anytime she wants.
what sucks is when your whole family is that religious relative and you are about to explode at all the ridiculous stuff they say and you just want to say "God Isn't Real"
The uncle that is an expert at every thing. He swoops in on all projects because he knows exactly what you are doing wrong. Except that he doesn't and usually exacerbates the situation.
Putting together the nephews new toy, check
Taking apart the trap in the kitchen sink, check
Taking over the lighting of the fireplace, check
Telling everyone how he is starting to make his own wine, check
Makes sure to insinuate that women can't do it, check
As someone who's been in AA for a good few years, I know that I WAS that incredibly annoying guy at Thanksgiving when I gave up.
Conversation:
"Hi, want a beer?"
"No thanks Joe, I've given up drinking because of my inappropriate actions. I feel so bad. There was this time..."
Thank God I don't do that now.
But how about just simply going home and seeing 'friends' from high school that have stayed in the small town while the rest of you went off to live your own lives. He's still living up his life as the high-school quarterback who was good enough for Division III football but decided to 'get a real job' in the town and be with his girl. You then find out that the person is not only without said girlfriend (she left for college YEARS ago), but he's just left his job.
Conversation:
"Hey, you remember that time when...."
'God, do I. It was 1-11 with under a minute to go...."
I could go on, but here's to you, Mr Stay-At-Home quarterback.
As someone who's been in AA for a good few years, I know that I WAS that incredibly annoying guy at Thanksgiving when I gave up.
Conversation:
"Hi, want a beer?"
"No thanks Joe, I've given up drinking because of my inappropriate actions. I feel so bad. There was this time..."
Thank God I don't do that now.
But how about just simply going home and seeing 'friends' from high school that have stayed in the small town while the rest of you went off to live your own lives. He's still living up his life as the high-school quarterback who was good enough for Division III football but decided to 'get a real job' in the town and be with his girl. You then find out that the person is not only without said girlfriend (she left for college YEARS ago), but he's just left his job.
Conversation:
"Hey, you remember that time when...."
'God, do I. It was 1-11 with under a minute to go...."
I could go on, but here's to you, Mr Stay-At-Home quarterback.
How about going to the in-laws, wife wouldn't go to my family under gun point but each year I have to go to hers, where they are such clean freaks that we cannot go into the house with shoes on. It gets better; the house is not big enough for us all so we take our shoes off only to go to the garage to eat. We have the religious, those that worship god, those that worship the great sales, and those that worship sports. How anyone has enough time in their life to memorize the players of professional, college, and high school sports is beyond me. However if you talk about your favorite team "I don’t follow that team" will be the answer. There are also children who are not disciplined and will be into everything. We are expected to spend the entire day, even though we see most of these people almost daily.
The best defence against this shite is to celebrate all such feasts with but one person. I haven't has a Christmas or thanksgiving with anyone except my latest squeeze for twenty years or more. No arguments, no sodding family, heaps of food and as much sex, drinks and drugs as we can get into us. :-)
I am none of those. Thank the lord almighty! Because I wouldn't want anyone knowing my secret obsession with fantasy football. I let my boyfriend pick my team, I think he knew a guy who played fantasy football once. Seriously though, I just want to have conversations about how I think the whole JFK thing was a conspiracy with Grandma, but she can't hear me. I think I will go have a drink, or two, or three.
I am none of those. Thank the lord almighty! Because I wouldn't want anyone knowing my secret obsession with fantasy football. I let my boyfriend pick my team, I think he knew a guy who played fantasy football once. Seriously though, I just want to have conversations about how I think the whole JFK thing was a conspiracy with Grandma, but she can't hear me. I think I will go have a drink, or two, or three.
How about when you have both relgigous relative and the far left one at the same table and they keep arguing about things you know that they will never agree on.
You forgot Home for Holidays after First Semester at Liberal Arts College. "You know what the Native Americans have to be thankfull for? Nothing ....." followed by a 20 minute lecture on the evils that white men do. Guess who just discovered Phish? And not bathing? And is growing dreadlocks? Yes, we all like to rage against the machine, more specifically that $30k SUV you drove home from college in, the one with the Grateful Dead sticker on the back. No, I don't want to toke a bowl with you in the backyard and, yes, everyone realizes you're stoned. The Visine ain't cutting it.
Another missing element is the bat-shit loony uncle that won't shut up. I don't know how many YEARS in a row I have to listen to his theories about how mankind originally lived on Mars and migrated to Earth when Mars ran out of water.
Then there's the paranoid rabble rouser that uses the dinner as a verbal equivalent to urban legend email forwards. Particularly the ones that have kernel of truth so it's damn near impossible to debunk. All your other semi-retarded Aunts and Uncles join in the fray until the entire dinner turns into one long seething Snopes waiting to happen.
HAHAHA! OMG! So true!! We have them all in my family! I am the one that eats and drinks in advance before everybody arrives and then pretend I dont eat that much and don't drink alcohol HAHA!
How about the retired cop uncle that doesn't say a word or make eye contact with anyone until an opportunity presents itself for him to let you know just what a worthless piece of shit everyone around him is. Don't even dare trying to bring up a conversation at the table like:
You - "Can you believe it Grandma... I got pulled over and ticketed the other day for doing 3 mph over the limit?"
Uncle cuts in - "(Arms crossed and cackling) Well was the fucking speed limit 30 or 33? Punk asshole drivers these days, geez, I tell ya'..."
***Silence***
His wife - "Mmm, the stuffing turned out delicious this year. Could someone pass the gravy?"
I've got the "Trendy Cousin" who changes his style every holiday. Goth, emo, punk, gansta, prep, starving artist, political activist, jock- each one comes with a brand new set of clothes, new OMFGAWSUM band and belief set, that if s/he corners you, you get to hear ALL about. Each. and. every. single. time. you see each other.
Great article, I'm just happy I don't get to deal with number one. Our family kicked him out a long time ago when he dropped the booze for cocaine.
What about the couple who're in the "Train wreck Marraige"
This is a double whammy of family psychosis... and its about as guaranteed as a Lions' loss that most of the family will be enduring multiple bury-your-head-in-your-palms moments.
at the start of the day, one of the better halves of this holiday disasterpiece, "Uncle Jerk-store" can be commonly found antagonizing every other person who enters through the front door.
They boys are typically worthless as ever, and the girls are growing up to be some "decent lookers". Weirdo.
His unsolicited bullshit unfailingly makes him laugh outright to his own piss poor comedy method... there's nothing to stop this guy because he is secretly pittied by all for having such a terrible wife. Hands tied, this is one of the shittiest positions of "Grin and bear it" my parents annually put me through.
He only later becomes tolerable at , oh I'd say beers 16 or 17, when he finally breaks down and tells you the same goddamn family secret he's told you fer the past five years, "I only stay with the Bitch for the kids. I mean... I love 'em to death. I'd do anything for them... But boy, do I fuckin' hate your aunt. ... as soon as those kids are out, I'm out"
Thats nice, You smell like depression, buddy.
The wife is with the ladies. Faking her ass off at the beginning of the day- trying to help with dinner, clipping coupons, and chatting about who're the projected local high school bad seeds. All the while, hittin' the boxed wine a little too hard and substantiating her frequent refills with the phrase,"Boy! This wine is so yummy [Hostess]! I just can't stop myself.... mmm!"
I call this the calm before the storm. Almost like clockwork, one of her whimp-ass kids is injured on a peice of exercise equipment that is remotely stored in the basement. The rediculous bellowing is grandly ignored by most, (Except for 'Nursing Aunt' who over treats the kid by wrapping their head in a gauze turbin... for a bruise).
Inexplicably, the injury "spoiled cousin" has just suffered is solely the husband's fault. And she let's him know it. Suddently you remember that any counter-punch insults you could've made to the poor bastard were pulled because you knew his wife would soon say them for you.
Luckily Grandma makes everyone get a plate before the food gets cold! C'mon! Its as if she truly believes oven baked turkey-meat behaves similarly to that of a superconductor. Lets also take note that the "Come and get it crew" are the very same ones who "just put everything away" when you go back for seconds- no more than ten minutes after your initial taste of the meal.
Its okay that the meal was short lived. Because the drunken wife uses the semi-silence of the mealtime as her opportunity to inform the room that her husband suffers from erectile dysfuntion, and that it doesn't matter because she's been in a fulfilling relationship with her Pink Rabbit... (These are Jokes to her! and She laughs her ass off to them).
Que the fake innocent question from one of the kids, "Whats a limp noodle?"
I'm not gonna go on anymore...
Not everyone has this Dynamic duo in their family. I wish I didn't. But without this couple, divorce attorney's would have to go back to tailing ambulances.
Just be like me:
Have a wide variety of knowledge in many forms of religion so you can slowly whittle Religious Dude down into thinking he's belief's aren't correct. Bonus points if you can get him to cry, and double bonus points if you can get him to change his religion, and extra special points if it turns out that his old religion you destroyed actually happened to be the right one and now he can't go because he doubted.
As for the "closeted gay" it's way more fun to try to convince the family that someone who is very much not gay that they have finally opened up but is still totally in the closet.
The only thing to do to the fantasy football guy is to not let him control the remote. Boring game? Change the damn channel and do it just in spite of that jearkoff.
And the "New Boy/Girlfriend meet while drunk and just dating so they don't look like whores" ones are easy. Just get the one that's not related to you off to the side and ask if they met at the free clinic, I mean since she's always there for something or other, you just assumed...and if it's the girl that's not family, try to sleep with her.
Know enough about politics/economy scenarios to shut the pretentious fuck up. Although many people worry that this will lead them into debate it totally won't. When a pretentious fuck thinks he's inferior, he will do his best to shut up the rest of the night. You will be lucky if he announces his departure.
The Grandma, well you're just going to have to deal with that one. She may not be here much longer and you are a douchebag if you can't spend 5 minutes with a sweet woman that used to give you candies and backed awesome cakes for your spoiled punk ass.
And finally the Recovering Alcoholic...this one depends on how evil you are, or the fun to not fun ratio he is now that he's sober. If you want him started again, all you have to do is make him a "virgin" drink but leave out the virgin part. Start slowly with egg nogg, and then when he goes on the whole sober for however many years, you just drop some knowledge on him that you got the drinks mixed up and he's been drinking the "hard" stuff all night. And since he seems to be ok, he 's probably cured and should just keep partying.
Then there is the nephew who invites himself, and a few friends, lazes around not lifting a finger, then makes fart jokes all through supper. He's 25, but acts like 10. Hey, at least the friends were helpful, and thanked us for the meal.
Union Guy - Constantly boasts how great the union is then rants about scabs, the supervisor and evil corporations. Doesn't notice that the only beer is Coors and the food came from WalMart which he proudly boasts he will never step foot in. Hopes to be back to work soon.
Evil Sister In Law - Knows how to stir up trouble and fights. Just to "keep things interesting". Especially effective with alcohol.
Shop-a-holics - Hovers around the TV for commercials (in conflict with Fantasy Football Guy who wants to check ESPN on commercial breaks) and comb the newspaper ads for the best Black Friday deals. Multiple family members with this affliction huddle to develop the best game plan of getting to the deals before they sell out.
Ignorant Parent - Lets their kids riot through the house. Spills everywhere. After putting the cat, grandma's pie and the last of the beer in the spin cycle of the washer, they shrug and say you should have seen what they did the other day. And yes you have to finish the feeble attempt to clean up with a couple paper towels.
Boastful Parent - On the same level as the uncle who knows everything about everything, these parents just know their kid is better at school, sports and friends than any other kid. Fate will deal a terrible blow when they don't get that scholarship to Harvard and instead show up on Holy Taco.
Food Network Wannabe - This person is making dinner. And no you can't help. You lack the skill. Equal in resistance to mother who thinks you can't boil water.
The Roadie Family - Tired as hell. They only got into town at 3 am. Great stories are ahead about the drive or delayed flight. If they can stay awake.
New Boyfriend That Won't Last (Option #2) - Completely in love. Far too much public display of affection. Get a fricken room - this is a "family" event.
Thanksgiving is for expressing thanks, not for making merry at the expense of your elders. If you're lucky you will live long enough to learn some respect.
Speaking as "The Drunk" of the family for nine year running, I too am shocked and chagrinned that you left me out. How dare you! Without my inappropriate remarks about various family member's drug use, lazy fat-ass girlfriends, bat-shit crazy mother in laws that just had to come, etc. it would be boring as hell.
(81)
December 15th, 2008 at 03:05 am
Oh ya!
December 12th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Hilarious article. High-quality online writing that is so rare and very funny. Great choice for pictures.
December 12th, 2008 at 08:51 am
I HAVE SOME OF THOSE PEOPLE IN MY FAMILY
December 7th, 2008 at 01:27 pm
Isn't Andy Dick supposed to have a permanent spot on every "Most Annoying --- at --- " list?
December 5th, 2008 at 03:22 pm
This entry - and really, your whole site - makes me so happy. You don't even understand. It's so wonderful to know there are assholes besides myself, be they overt or closet case.
December 1st, 2008 at 05:57 pm
Probably best not to call people stupid foreigners. You're just picking a fight with 95% of the world's population. Unfortunately most of them hate you already just because you are American.
Personally, I have nothing against you, I've never even met you.
Just a helpful hint.
November 30th, 2008 at 11:14 am
" It's probably because we don't have an indian-genocide-remembrance in Europe, but I don't get the jokes.. " - stupid foreigner
point of history - it was the Spanish, English, French and Dutch who were mostly to blame for the genocide of Indians,
3/4 of the American Indians were already dead due to diseases and war before the declaration of Independence's
the pilgrims were English citizens ,
and anyway thanksgiving is a day to give thanks for what we have, its not a celebration of the genocide of the indians ............thats Columbus day !!
November 30th, 2008 at 08:23 am
Aren't you cute pointing out that the people you sent over here killed the people living here, which makes you better than us, because you sent them over, so they are no longer you.
Also, none of these jokes had anything to do with the actual Holiday, perhaps you should visit your family sometimes. You're probably not invited though since they don't like you.
December 3rd, 2008 at 03:13 pm
god...they're everywhere
November 30th, 2008 at 06:27 am
It's probably because we don't have an indian-genocide-remembrance in Europe, but I don't get the jokes..
November 30th, 2008 at 04:40 am
Well I'm Romanian, first generation in the states, and all my uncles argue about is politics in romania and america, I have 3 meth addict cousins and one whose on oxies.
lets see, there was 3 kids under 7 at my house, man that was fun running around making sure they didn't break anything.
Oh did I mention my meth addict cousin brought her heroin addicted boyfriend...
Can't wait to finish college and move far far away
November 29th, 2008 at 01:29 pm
RON PAUL!!!!!!!
November 29th, 2008 at 03:36 am
I have an aunt who works in some Insurance company, which basically turns every big family dinner, like say Christmas eve into a 4 hours discussion about insurances and money...
November 28th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
I have to disagree. The religious relative has got to be number 1 in my book.
November 28th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
OMG!!! I am the overly political relative, the Ron Paul Junkie. But my rant at the table was to the effect that people need to get involved and interested in politics and work toward electing better people to office.
As to the really elderly relative, we had a 96 year old at our gathering. He is actually a very delightful man who suffers more from low vision and decreased mobility. I asked him if he remembered the Great Depression. He remembered it well. These are the ones we need to be talking with. Listen to what they have to tell us and use it when the next one comes around. (As a Ron Paul junkie, I believe the Next One is imminent.)
November 28th, 2008 at 09:47 am
your missing my personal favorite....the parolee. he always adds a nice lil touch to a good evening
November 28th, 2008 at 01:51 am
THE SUPER OLD GRANDPARENT - She's a hottie, and I want to fuck her. I' can't stop jacking off to her lovely face. She could suck me dry anytime she wants.
November 27th, 2008 at 09:52 pm
Those relatives can all be annoying, personally I hate the 8th annoying relative, the one who judges and criticizes all his family members.
November 27th, 2008 at 07:43 pm
lol my family has all 7 haha
November 27th, 2008 at 07:27 pm
what sucks is when your whole family is that religious relative and you are about to explode at all the ridiculous stuff they say and you just want to say "God Isn't Real"
November 27th, 2008 at 07:20 pm
The uncle that is an expert at every thing. He swoops in on all projects because he knows exactly what you are doing wrong. Except that he doesn't and usually exacerbates the situation.
Putting together the nephews new toy, check
Taking apart the trap in the kitchen sink, check
Taking over the lighting of the fireplace, check
Telling everyone how he is starting to make his own wine, check
Makes sure to insinuate that women can't do it, check
November 27th, 2008 at 01:11 pm
As someone who's been in AA for a good few years, I know that I WAS that incredibly annoying guy at Thanksgiving when I gave up.
Conversation:
"Hi, want a beer?"
"No thanks Joe, I've given up drinking because of my inappropriate actions. I feel so bad. There was this time..."
Thank God I don't do that now.
But how about just simply going home and seeing 'friends' from high school that have stayed in the small town while the rest of you went off to live your own lives. He's still living up his life as the high-school quarterback who was good enough for Division III football but decided to 'get a real job' in the town and be with his girl. You then find out that the person is not only without said girlfriend (she left for college YEARS ago), but he's just left his job.
Conversation:
"Hey, you remember that time when...."
'God, do I. It was 1-11 with under a minute to go...."
I could go on, but here's to you, Mr Stay-At-Home quarterback.
November 27th, 2008 at 01:10 pm
As someone who's been in AA for a good few years, I know that I WAS that incredibly annoying guy at Thanksgiving when I gave up.
Conversation:
"Hi, want a beer?"
"No thanks Joe, I've given up drinking because of my inappropriate actions. I feel so bad. There was this time..."
Thank God I don't do that now.
But how about just simply going home and seeing 'friends' from high school that have stayed in the small town while the rest of you went off to live your own lives. He's still living up his life as the high-school quarterback who was good enough for Division III football but decided to 'get a real job' in the town and be with his girl. You then find out that the person is not only without said girlfriend (she left for college YEARS ago), but he's just left his job.
Conversation:
"Hey, you remember that time when...."
'God, do I. It was 1-11 with under a minute to go...."
I could go on, but here's to you, Mr Stay-At-Home quarterback.
November 27th, 2008 at 07:35 am
How about going to the in-laws, wife wouldn't go to my family under gun point but each year I have to go to hers, where they are such clean freaks that we cannot go into the house with shoes on. It gets better; the house is not big enough for us all so we take our shoes off only to go to the garage to eat. We have the religious, those that worship god, those that worship the great sales, and those that worship sports. How anyone has enough time in their life to memorize the players of professional, college, and high school sports is beyond me. However if you talk about your favorite team "I don’t follow that team" will be the answer. There are also children who are not disciplined and will be into everything. We are expected to spend the entire day, even though we see most of these people almost daily.
November 27th, 2008 at 06:46 am
How about the relative that is a new Weight Watchers convert and announces the point value of every item on her plate and yours.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
so don't go, and stay hole and beat off.
November 26th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
The best defence against this shite is to celebrate all such feasts with but one person. I haven't has a Christmas or thanksgiving with anyone except my latest squeeze for twenty years or more. No arguments, no sodding family, heaps of food and as much sex, drinks and drugs as we can get into us. :-)
November 26th, 2008 at 06:24 pm
Good post, don't listen to the rest of these retards, they have nothin' to say.
November 26th, 2008 at 06:04 pm
what about the recovering alcoholic who is very religious due to AA
November 26th, 2008 at 04:54 pm
I am none of those. Thank the lord almighty! Because I wouldn't want anyone knowing my secret obsession with fantasy football. I let my boyfriend pick my team, I think he knew a guy who played fantasy football once. Seriously though, I just want to have conversations about how I think the whole JFK thing was a conspiracy with Grandma, but she can't hear me. I think I will go have a drink, or two, or three.
November 26th, 2008 at 04:54 pm
I am none of those. Thank the lord almighty! Because I wouldn't want anyone knowing my secret obsession with fantasy football. I let my boyfriend pick my team, I think he knew a guy who played fantasy football once. Seriously though, I just want to have conversations about how I think the whole JFK thing was a conspiracy with Grandma, but she can't hear me. I think I will go have a drink, or two, or three.
November 26th, 2008 at 03:34 pm
thanks
November 26th, 2008 at 11:06 am
How about when you have both relgigous relative and the far left one at the same table and they keep arguing about things you know that they will never agree on.
November 25th, 2008 at 04:28 pm
It is spelled Tucson
November 25th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
You forgot Home for Holidays after First Semester at Liberal Arts College. "You know what the Native Americans have to be thankfull for? Nothing ....." followed by a 20 minute lecture on the evils that white men do. Guess who just discovered Phish? And not bathing? And is growing dreadlocks? Yes, we all like to rage against the machine, more specifically that $30k SUV you drove home from college in, the one with the Grateful Dead sticker on the back. No, I don't want to toke a bowl with you in the backyard and, yes, everyone realizes you're stoned. The Visine ain't cutting it.
November 25th, 2008 at 10:28 am
Bless you all this thanksgiving for giving us all a place to vent before we face THEM!
November 25th, 2008 at 09:19 am
Another missing element is the bat-shit loony uncle that won't shut up. I don't know how many YEARS in a row I have to listen to his theories about how mankind originally lived on Mars and migrated to Earth when Mars ran out of water.
Then there's the paranoid rabble rouser that uses the dinner as a verbal equivalent to urban legend email forwards. Particularly the ones that have kernel of truth so it's damn near impossible to debunk. All your other semi-retarded Aunts and Uncles join in the fray until the entire dinner turns into one long seething Snopes waiting to happen.
November 25th, 2008 at 08:35 am
this was just mentioned on the "the view" this morning!
November 25th, 2008 at 08:32 am
HAHAHA! OMG! So true!! We have them all in my family! I am the one that eats and drinks in advance before everybody arrives and then pretend I dont eat that much and don't drink alcohol HAHA!
November 25th, 2008 at 07:14 am
Respect your elders. Wait till you are 90 and see how "annoying" you are to your grand kids.
You probably won't make it to 90, since you will likely develop type 2 diabetes.
November 25th, 2008 at 06:56 am
How about the retired cop uncle that doesn't say a word or make eye contact with anyone until an opportunity presents itself for him to let you know just what a worthless piece of shit everyone around him is. Don't even dare trying to bring up a conversation at the table like:
You - "Can you believe it Grandma... I got pulled over and ticketed the other day for doing 3 mph over the limit?"
Uncle cuts in - "(Arms crossed and cackling) Well was the fucking speed limit 30 or 33? Punk asshole drivers these days, geez, I tell ya'..."
***Silence***
His wife - "Mmm, the stuffing turned out delicious this year. Could someone pass the gravy?"
November 25th, 2008 at 06:05 am
I've got the "Trendy Cousin" who changes his style every holiday. Goth, emo, punk, gansta, prep, starving artist, political activist, jock- each one comes with a brand new set of clothes, new OMFGAWSUM band and belief set, that if s/he corners you, you get to hear ALL about. Each. and. every. single. time. you see each other.
Great article, I'm just happy I don't get to deal with number one. Our family kicked him out a long time ago when he dropped the booze for cocaine.
November 24th, 2008 at 08:57 pm
What about the couple who're in the "Train wreck Marraige"
This is a double whammy of family psychosis... and its about as guaranteed as a Lions' loss that most of the family will be enduring multiple bury-your-head-in-your-palms moments.
at the start of the day, one of the better halves of this holiday disasterpiece, "Uncle Jerk-store" can be commonly found antagonizing every other person who enters through the front door.
They boys are typically worthless as ever, and the girls are growing up to be some "decent lookers". Weirdo.
His unsolicited bullshit unfailingly makes him laugh outright to his own piss poor comedy method... there's nothing to stop this guy because he is secretly pittied by all for having such a terrible wife. Hands tied, this is one of the shittiest positions of "Grin and bear it" my parents annually put me through.
He only later becomes tolerable at , oh I'd say beers 16 or 17, when he finally breaks down and tells you the same goddamn family secret he's told you fer the past five years, "I only stay with the Bitch for the kids. I mean... I love 'em to death. I'd do anything for them... But boy, do I fuckin' hate your aunt. ... as soon as those kids are out, I'm out"
Thats nice, You smell like depression, buddy.
The wife is with the ladies. Faking her ass off at the beginning of the day- trying to help with dinner, clipping coupons, and chatting about who're the projected local high school bad seeds. All the while, hittin' the boxed wine a little too hard and substantiating her frequent refills with the phrase,"Boy! This wine is so yummy [Hostess]! I just can't stop myself.... mmm!"
I call this the calm before the storm. Almost like clockwork, one of her whimp-ass kids is injured on a peice of exercise equipment that is remotely stored in the basement. The rediculous bellowing is grandly ignored by most, (Except for 'Nursing Aunt' who over treats the kid by wrapping their head in a gauze turbin... for a bruise).
Inexplicably, the injury "spoiled cousin" has just suffered is solely the husband's fault. And she let's him know it. Suddently you remember that any counter-punch insults you could've made to the poor bastard were pulled because you knew his wife would soon say them for you.
Luckily Grandma makes everyone get a plate before the food gets cold! C'mon! Its as if she truly believes oven baked turkey-meat behaves similarly to that of a superconductor. Lets also take note that the "Come and get it crew" are the very same ones who "just put everything away" when you go back for seconds- no more than ten minutes after your initial taste of the meal.
Its okay that the meal was short lived. Because the drunken wife uses the semi-silence of the mealtime as her opportunity to inform the room that her husband suffers from erectile dysfuntion, and that it doesn't matter because she's been in a fulfilling relationship with her Pink Rabbit... (These are Jokes to her! and She laughs her ass off to them).
Que the fake innocent question from one of the kids, "Whats a limp noodle?"
I'm not gonna go on anymore...
Not everyone has this Dynamic duo in their family. I wish I didn't. But without this couple, divorce attorney's would have to go back to tailing ambulances.
November 24th, 2008 at 08:13 pm
Just be like me:
Have a wide variety of knowledge in many forms of religion so you can slowly whittle Religious Dude down into thinking he's belief's aren't correct. Bonus points if you can get him to cry, and double bonus points if you can get him to change his religion, and extra special points if it turns out that his old religion you destroyed actually happened to be the right one and now he can't go because he doubted.
As for the "closeted gay" it's way more fun to try to convince the family that someone who is very much not gay that they have finally opened up but is still totally in the closet.
The only thing to do to the fantasy football guy is to not let him control the remote. Boring game? Change the damn channel and do it just in spite of that jearkoff.
And the "New Boy/Girlfriend meet while drunk and just dating so they don't look like whores" ones are easy. Just get the one that's not related to you off to the side and ask if they met at the free clinic, I mean since she's always there for something or other, you just assumed...and if it's the girl that's not family, try to sleep with her.
Know enough about politics/economy scenarios to shut the pretentious fuck up. Although many people worry that this will lead them into debate it totally won't. When a pretentious fuck thinks he's inferior, he will do his best to shut up the rest of the night. You will be lucky if he announces his departure.
The Grandma, well you're just going to have to deal with that one. She may not be here much longer and you are a douchebag if you can't spend 5 minutes with a sweet woman that used to give you candies and backed awesome cakes for your spoiled punk ass.
And finally the Recovering Alcoholic...this one depends on how evil you are, or the fun to not fun ratio he is now that he's sober. If you want him started again, all you have to do is make him a "virgin" drink but leave out the virgin part. Start slowly with egg nogg, and then when he goes on the whole sober for however many years, you just drop some knowledge on him that you got the drinks mixed up and he's been drinking the "hard" stuff all night. And since he seems to be ok, he 's probably cured and should just keep partying.
November 24th, 2008 at 08:09 pm
Then there is the nephew who invites himself, and a few friends, lazes around not lifting a finger, then makes fart jokes all through supper. He's 25, but acts like 10. Hey, at least the friends were helpful, and thanked us for the meal.
November 24th, 2008 at 05:21 pm
Here's a few more from my holidays...
Union Guy - Constantly boasts how great the union is then rants about scabs, the supervisor and evil corporations. Doesn't notice that the only beer is Coors and the food came from WalMart which he proudly boasts he will never step foot in. Hopes to be back to work soon.
Evil Sister In Law - Knows how to stir up trouble and fights. Just to "keep things interesting". Especially effective with alcohol.
Shop-a-holics - Hovers around the TV for commercials (in conflict with Fantasy Football Guy who wants to check ESPN on commercial breaks) and comb the newspaper ads for the best Black Friday deals. Multiple family members with this affliction huddle to develop the best game plan of getting to the deals before they sell out.
Ignorant Parent - Lets their kids riot through the house. Spills everywhere. After putting the cat, grandma's pie and the last of the beer in the spin cycle of the washer, they shrug and say you should have seen what they did the other day. And yes you have to finish the feeble attempt to clean up with a couple paper towels.
Boastful Parent - On the same level as the uncle who knows everything about everything, these parents just know their kid is better at school, sports and friends than any other kid. Fate will deal a terrible blow when they don't get that scholarship to Harvard and instead show up on Holy Taco.
Food Network Wannabe - This person is making dinner. And no you can't help. You lack the skill. Equal in resistance to mother who thinks you can't boil water.
The Roadie Family - Tired as hell. They only got into town at 3 am. Great stories are ahead about the drive or delayed flight. If they can stay awake.
New Boyfriend That Won't Last (Option #2) - Completely in love. Far too much public display of affection. Get a fricken room - this is a "family" event.
Peace, Love and Happiness!
November 24th, 2008 at 05:14 pm
how about your annoying football fucks, fuck football you faggotzs
November 24th, 2008 at 04:52 pm
Thanksgiving is for expressing thanks, not for making merry at the expense of your elders. If you're lucky you will live long enough to learn some respect.
November 24th, 2008 at 04:48 pm
Oh you silly americans with your late thanksgiving! Thanks for the football. www,thedrunkcanuck.com
November 24th, 2008 at 04:14 pm
Speaking as "The Drunk" of the family for nine year running, I too am shocked and chagrinned that you left me out. How dare you! Without my inappropriate remarks about various family member's drug use, lazy fat-ass girlfriends, bat-shit crazy mother in laws that just had to come, etc. it would be boring as hell.
Post new comment