Thanksgiving is one of our greatest holidays. We eat until we feel like we’re going to die and then we lay around and watch football. But you’re also forced to see family members that can turn all the gluttony into a big downer. Here are the seven worst.
7. THE RELIGIOUS RELATIVE
It’s fine if you love Jesus. No one is saying you can’t. But you have to understand that for the rest of us, Thanksgiving is the only Holiday we get where we don’t have to hear about the man upstairs. Therefore, I don’t give a shit that the shape of my mashed potatoes reminded you of a passage from Corinthians, I just want you to pass the salt. I may not know Jesus as well as you do, but if he’s as cool as you say he is, then if he was invited over to somebody’s house for dinner, he probably wouldn’t spend the entire meal talking about how awesome he is. That sounds to me like an asshole.
You: You know, I think if the Colts could get healthy, they could make a run this year.
Religious Relative: And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. James 5:15
You: Right. I’m pretty sure the Lord wasn’t referring to someone having "turf toe."
6. THE PERSON WITH THE SECRET EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS
You’ll know this person is coming to your thanksgiving about three and a half minutes before they get there, because you’re mother will pull you aside and say, "Ben is coming. Now, he’s gay, but he hasn’t come out to the family yet, so don’t say anything about gay things. Everyone, did you hear that? Ben is coming and he’s gay, but he hasn’t come out yet!" Now, all anyone can think of when they look at Ben is "gay, gay, gay,gay" and because you don’t want to bring any attention to the fact that he’s got this secret, you end up bringing even more attention to it by striking up a conversation that is the direct opposite of it, which ends up awkwardly becoming about said secret.
You: So, Ben, how about that new James Bond Movie. He’s a good James Bond right? I mean, just the way he acts, not like how he looks or anything. Not that he acts a certain way or that you can tell something from how somebody acts, but just like- wow, that’s a lot of gravy on your plate. I mean, I like gravy-
5. THE FANTASY FOOTBALL GUY
Football on Thanksgiving is a tradition, but your fantasy team is not. So when the entire room wants to change the channel because the Lions are losing by 42 points with six minutes left, it’s super annoying when you respond with, "Wait, wait, I just have to see if Calvin Johnson gets fourteen more receiving yards." To make matters worse, this person insists on telling you the score to their fantasy game, and the picks they made early in the season that have or have not panned out, like they were in a Nazi prison camp and a guard made them choose which one of their children lived.
Fantasy Guy: YES!
You: Is it a close game?
FG: No, it’s 46-20. Kevin Smith lost two yards. I need him to not gain more than ten yards the rest of the game, the guy I’m playing has him. I took Matt Forte instead of him, I was thinking of taking smith, but at the last second, I had Forte in my draft que and I just pushed "draft."
You: Great. Um, you think we can change the channel? There’s three minutes left and we were hoping to watch anything but this.
FG: Yeah yeah of course, there’s just three minutes left though. I just gotta make sure I win this week. Sorry.
4. THE NEW BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND THAT WON’T LAST
This person brought their boyfriend that they met three weeks ago when they were shit-faced drunk and letting people take body shots off their titties. Now everyone has to pretend like she and he are in a serious relationship, even though when he tells someone he’s originally from Tuscon his "girlfriend" responds with "really, I thought you were from Fresno…Huh." And since now there’s someone at the table that no one knows, everybody has to pretend like they have manners are care about what’s going on in other people’s lives. This leads to everyone at the table focusing on the fact that this dude they’ve never met before, and will never see again, is "in ad sales right now, but looking to maybe starting a club promotion business or something like that."
You: I was thinking of buying a new Honda.
Cousin: Brian used to fix Hondas, right Brian?
Cousin’s Boyfriend: Um, no. I know a guy who did, though.
Cousin: Really, I thought you did?
Cousin’s Boyfriend: Nope.
Your Mom: Well, being a mechanic is a good job.
(more awkward silence)
3. THE OVERLY POLITICAL RELATIVE
You haven’t read the latest book by Ron Paul, and you have no idea what the trade deficit is, but that’s not going to stop the political freak from constantly quoting Ron Paul’s latest book about the trade deficit whenever there’s a two-second lull in the conversation. It doesn’t matter that your eyes glaze over like a ham when he starts spouting endless facts about civic policy and the economies of risk-management, he will not stop trying to get you to agree to a political stance that you have never heard of or couldn’t possibly care less about.
You: Man, I can’t believe the holidays are already here.
Political Relative: You know what I can’t believe? I can’t believe that the S&P needs to increase by 33% just to get back to even over the next 12 months. And you know what else I can’t believe? The fact that Bernanke and Paulson have destroyed America as you and I know it. They’re the “experts”? Really? If they were so smart, then why didn’t they see this coming? Now we’re supposed to feel comfortable with these crooks in charge? Yes sir, you can kiss your nation goodbye forever.
You: Yeah, uhhh, time sure does fly.
Political Relative: And you know what won’t fly anymore pretty soon? Our bankrupt airlines. If you think Uncle Sam is going to keep bailing those mismanaged disasters forever you can think again.
You: I just want to eat some turkey.
2. THE SUPER OLD GRANDPARENT
We should all have some respect for our elders, but trying to have a conversation with your 96-year-old great grandmother is like talking to a junkie who just shot up. There’s a lot of mumbling and nodding off and when there is some conversation, it’s mostly just a series of repetitive stories from your childhood.
You: Hey Grandma. Can I get you some stuffing? Are you thirsty?
Great Grandma: …zzzz…who? You remember when you used to come and visit us and you had such a good time? I remember that.
You: Yeah, that was fun.
Great Grandma: Remember when you used to come and…visit us in the summers? We had so much fun during those summers…zzzzz….hi! What grade are you in now?
You: I’m 33 and divorced, Grandma. I’m not in school anymore.
Great Grandma: Such a big boy! Look at you! I bet you study hard and get good marks. Are you going to come visit us this summer…
1. THE RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC
We get it. You don’t drink anymore. But we don’t need updates every five minutes that you “haven’t touched the stuff in six years, 48 days and 15 hours.” And you know what? I’m not an alcoholic. Just because one sip of booze would turn you into a raging alcohol monster who would drain the liquor cabinet and then start chugging Aqua Velva doesn’t mean the rest of the world can’t have a glass of wine. But the worst part about this guy is that he has absolutely nothing else to talk about.
You: This turkey is delicious!
Recovering Alcoholic: Back when I was drinking, the only turkey I would have during the holidays was a bottle of Wild Turkey. And I would drink the whole thing by myself. I was so bad, back then. So bad.
You: Well, it’s great that you stopped.
Recovering Alcoholic: Whiskey, vodka, beer, sake, wine, rum, grain alcohol, bourbon, gin, you name it, I’ve drank it. But it’s been six years since a drop has passed these lips. Six loooooong years. It’s been great, but a day doesn’t go by when I’m not thinking about booze. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and it’s the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I love booze. That’s why I had to give it up.
You: Well…good for you. So, how are your kids doing?
Recovering Alcoholic: It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I used to drink so much. Then I hit rock bottom and gave it up all together. I knew if I didn’t I wouldn’t be here today. But I used to love drinking. It was my life. You should probably quit drinking, too. I used to be like you, a glass of wine here and there and then all of a sudden I was stealing from my daughter’s piggy bank just to go get a bottle of rot gut. That’s how it always happens.