Company softball teams are like the cast of The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emporor: they’re comprised of a bunch of sweaty idiots who are all trying really hard to accomplish something that nobody really cares about. Here are your company’s 7 most annoying softball team members:
The Guy Who Takes It Way Too Seriously
In any recreational sporting event, there’s always one guy that takes it way too seriously. He’s the guy who’s always going balls out, no matter what. In basketball, he’s the one who fouls and cries foul on every possession, then attempts to dunk on the shortest person there. In kickball, he’s the guy who’s actually trying to strike people out, and who aims for the pitchers head on every kick. In softball, he’s the guy who’s been loading up on protein and practicing in the batting cages for over a month. He runs the opposing team’s female catcher over while trying to steal home, and he screams at his co-workers after a loss, but it’s really not his fault: he was cut from every high school team he ever tried out for, and now he’s stuck in a dead-end middle-management job where he gets no respect from anyone. He needs this power trip for his own personal validation. If only his dad were alive to see him now.
The Team Captain
This is the guy who got your company into the softball league (which involved sending an email) and who organized the team within the company (which involved sending another email). Because of his tireless efforts, he feels like the company’s team is actually his team. He’s not the most experienced player, and he’s definitely not the most talented player either, but he acts as the spokesman and leader for all of you. He calls the shots and makes up the batting orders (which he thinks matters for some reason), and worst of all: he wants to pitch all the time. And he’s a terrible pitcher. In fact, he’s an all-around terrible softball player. Sure, he’s the reason why your team exists in the first place, but he’s also the reason why your team f*ckin’ sucks, too.
The Girl Who Sucks
This girl has never played a sport in her entire life. She’s probably not incredibly hot, but she’s easily the hottest chick at your work, so people will tolerate her on the field. Sure, she drops the ball 25 times a game, but she also has to bend over to pick the ball up 25 times. Some of the guys on the team will still give her a hi-five when she strikes out for the 7th time, but it’s not because they appreciate her effort, or her presence as a player. It’s because they’re going to masturbate in the shower later to the thought of her in spandex shorts, and touching her hand during the game as much as possible will help them to speed things along so that they can get to bed on time. But when it comes to playing softball, a comatose quadriplegic in an iron lung would be a more valuable teammate, because at least he would shut the f*ck up once in a while.
The Guy Who Loves the Girl Who Sucks
Everyone agrees unanimously that The Girl Who Sucks is the most attractive girl on the team, but there’s only one team member who thinks that she’s the hottest piece of ass on the entire planet. The Guy That Loves The Girl Who Sucks is only on the company softball team for one reason: to be in the presence of the Girl Who Sucks. He will be at every single game no matter what, because who knows what would happen if he missed a game? That might be the one night when The Girl Who Sucks decides that she’s ready to fall in love with him, and it would totally suck if he was at home watching Night Court re-runs when that happened. He’s hardly a good player, but he tries really hard because he’s showing off, and in his mind, one game-saving play could get him laid by the girl of his dreams. Sure, he’s completely delusional, but a company softball game is more about headcount than actual skill anyway, so it’s good to have someone who you know is going to show up no matter what.
The Former Softball Player
The former softball player is clearly way out of your league, as far as softball skills are concerned. She dresses appropriately for a company softball game, but there’s a flare in her eye telling you that, deep down inside, she wants to kick some ass. Work softball is meant to be an activity for men with fading athletic skill to get slightly drunk and go hit some balls around on a weeknight. Nobody wants Xena showing up and making them look like limp-wristed little girls. Her biceps are bigger than yours, she can throw the ball farther than you can, and whatever the conspicuous, penis-like bulge in the front of her shorts is, that seems to be bigger than yours as well. If her physical prowess weren’t enough to intimidate you, then the fact that she knows more baseball jargon than Yogi f*cking Berra should be a clear indication that she’s just not right for the team, but she’s your best chance of winning a game, so the two people on the team who give a shit about that are going to use her as much as possible.
The Guy Who Doesn’t Want to Play Softball
Company softball is basically about two things: the sport of softball, and co-worker comradery. Unfortunately, The Guy Who Doesn’t Want to Play Softball has chosen to focus only on the latter point. While he’s fully in favor of bonding with his co-workers, he’s not even remotely interested in playing softball. He doesn’t even want to watch softball. In fact, he’s wearing his work clothes, except with tennis shoes and a ball glove on. He’s easy to spot: he’ll be the guy who’s constantly shimmying his way down to the end of the bench so that he’ll never have to bat, and he’ll try to run to the bathroom every time your team has to take the field. In a game situation, he’s completely worthless. He doesn’t even pretend to try, because for him the game doesn’t start until everyone goes to the bar for a quick post-game drink.
The Guy Who Always Gets Hurt
There’s always one guy who turns out to be the Glass Joe of your company’s softball team. He shows up with every joint wrapped up like an Gypsy in a sandstorm, and he seems to have a new pestering ailment at every single game. Like an infant with Downs Syndrome, he’s constantly nursing things and bumming people out. Old high school football injury? He’s got one of those. Injury from an obscure sport played in the quad of a college campus? Yep, he’s got one of those, too. Some back spasm thing that resulted from falling off of a ladder while he was trying to hang christmas lights last year? He’s got three of those. Prepare yourself, because at some point during the game, he’s going to cause a thirty minute delay by twisting his ankle while sliding into third base. Don’t even think about starting to have fun at this game, because whatever enjoyment you manage to build up, this guy’s going to suck the wind right out of it, leaving you exactly where you should be at the company softball game: dirty, sweaty, and completely f*cking miserable.