It’s only a matter of time before some asshole with an audience tries to exploit last week’s earthquake and tsunami in Japan. Within days (if not hours) of tragedies such as 9-11, Hurricane Katrina, and the Haitian earthquake, morons were busy leveraging human suffering to further their own political, religious, and financial agendas. Why should this latest tragedy be any different?
With that in mind, we’ve crunched some numbers, and put together the odds on who will be first to run their mouth. It’s been three days already. It’s only a matter of time. Frankly, I’m surprised it took this long.
Westboro Baptist Chuch: 1-100
Betting on Westboro to say something stupid about this tragedy is like shooting fish in a barrel. They make their living off of upsetting people with incendiary bullshit. We all know it’s going to happen. Like the earthquake itself, it’s not a question of if, but when. Truth be told, they’ve probably already put up an article linking Japanese bukakee videos to the quake, but I really don’t feel like going to their site to check. Betting on Westboro is a sure thing, but at 1-100, don’t expect to win much.
Pat Robertson: 2:5
Pat Robertson is like Westboro’s more attractive cousin. He’s less incendiary (at least by comparison), but at the end of the day, he’s just as stupid as his fag-hating counterparts. No, I’m not saying he’s an idiot because he worships a man in the sky, so put down your pitchfork and calm down. What I am saying is that anyone who goes on record blaming the Haitian earthquake on a 200-year-old pact with Satan obviously has some f*cking issues. It also means he’s near the top of our list.
Al Gore: 20:1
Liberals like to bitch and moan about right-wing nut jobs exploiting tragedies, but at the end of the day, they also never let a good crisis go to waste. It seems like every weather related tragedy of the past ten years has been blamed on Global Warming. Don’t get us wrong, we’re not saying it’s fake. Far be it from a dick and fart joke site like Holy Taco to deny the consensus of the scientific community. But we’re also pretty sure that there were floods and hurricanes before the industrial revolution, so maybe environmentalists should be a little more discriminating when choosing examples to hold up. At this point, it wouldn’t be that surprising to hear Al Gore blame the earth quake on rising CO2 levels disrupting the fault lines.
Glenn Beck 10:1
Have you ever noticed that the word “earthquake” has a Q in it? It’s true. You know what other word has a Q in it? Al-Qaeda! Guess what else? You can’t spell “Qur’an” without a Q! In fact, the entire Arabic language is filled with Q’s! Clearly, this earthQuake was the work of Muslim extremists hellbent on setting up a Caliphate in Tokyo.
A Drunk Mel Gibson 5:1
Did you know that Jews are behind all the world’s earthquakes? It’s true! The House of Rothschild funded construction of the tectonic plates in the early 1900’s in order to lower property values in San Francisco. Give Mel a Fosters or two (or 30), and he’ll tell you all about it. But not before you BLOW him.
Charlie Sheen 2:1
With the way Charlie has been running his mouth latley, it’s a pretty good bet that he’ll weigh in on the subject of the quake any minute now. Speaking of which, did you know the Earthquake was an inside job? That’s right, the quake and the tsunami that followed were actually a controlled demolition carried out by Chuck Lorre and the Vatican. But this “controlled demolition” is not to be confused with the “controlled substance” Sheen as been using to “demolish” is brain for the past 20 years.
Tom Hanks 1000:1
Do we really think that “Mr. Nice Guy” (a.k.a. Tom Hanks) would say something nasty about the earthquake in Japan? No. That’s why it pays 1000 to 1. But maybe, just maybe, he built up a resentment to the Japanese after producing “The Pacific,” and he’ll let something slip. Doubtful. But at 1000 to 1, it’s worth a dollar.