English 101 is like the Ellis Island of college. It doesn't matter what your major is, you have to take English 101. Because of this mandate, your English 101 classmates are the most eccentric and varied bunch that you'll ever encounter on a college campus. Here are 7 People that Will Definitely Be in Your English 101 Class:
The Stoner
This guy is pretty easy to spot. He's the white dude sporting a "Serj Tankian from System of a Down"-type goatee, and he wears the same clothes to class every single day: a dark-colored hoodie, some dirty-ass f*cked up jeans, and tinted sunglasses. Nobody ever sits near The Stoner, because he constantly smells like a sweaty garbage-scented incense stick. He'll never ask a question or volunteer an answer in class, but he'll constantly be giggling at things that an 8-year old might also find humorous, like when the professor mentions that Beowulf always fought naked. Actually, if you think about it, that is kinda funny.
Why You Need To Know Him: Do you know anyone else who can get you weed? I didn't think so.
What You'll Hear Him Say: "Dude...the guy from the Miller's Tale...what a
PIMP, right? F*ckin'...f*ckin' the farmer's wife n' shit....Badass, dude. Bad...ass."
The Party Girl
The Party Girl is easily identified by her uncanny resemblance to a Vegas hooker who hasn't been home in a few days. Her hair will look like shit, her makeup will be a complete mess, and she'll probably have two large X's on her hands from the club she went to the night before. She's not the person you'll ever want to study with, but if you ever need some gum, she's the one to ask. A professional in covering the scent of booze, morning breath, and semen, she's battle-ready with at least two different types of minty chewing goodness.
Why You Need to Know Her: She knows where the party's at.
What You'll Hear Her Say: "Does the Morning After Pill still work if you don't take it 'til the afternoon?"
The English Major
There may be a few English majors in your ENG101 class, but there will definitely be one that stands out above the rest. He'll have a name that could easily be shortened, but he prefers to go by the long version. It'll be something like Philip instead of Phil, or Danforth instead of just Dan. You'll learn his name pretty quickly, too, because the professor will say it about 30 times per class, and this kid will talk so excessively that most of the time it will seem like the rest of the class is just awkwardly sitting in on a conversation between he and the professor. Luckily, you have no reason to fear him: he's getting an English degree, which means that in five years he's going to be just as poor and hopeless as you'll be.
Why You Need to Know Him: He'll be good for a few answers on the take-home study guide, as long as you can handle his condescending tone. Also, he'll make a great prank target in the future.
What You'll Hear Him Say: "Paradise Lost is one of the most influential books in literary history. I simply don't understand the correlation between me liking that book and you thinking that makes me gay."
The Guy Who Only Shows Up for Tests
It sounds weird, but you'll know this guy by not knowing him. You may see him on the first day of class, unless he had a friend pick up the syllabus for him. Other than that, you'd better hope that you studied the night before you see him, because if he's around, then so is an exam. The ironic thing is that, depending on the professor's attendance policy, this guy might actually do better in the class than you do.
Why You Need to Know Him: He's either really smart, or really stupid. He's definitely a bartender, though, which means he can probably get you free drinks.
What You'll Hear Him Say: "Hey, do we have a test today? Hell yeah we do. That's why I'm here!"
The Jock
Despite what Major League Baseball may suggest, jocks still have to take English classes, and while a lot of the jocks will manage to get into a special "Jock English Class", there's bound to be a straggler jock that somehow got stuck in your English class with "the normals". He'll sit at the back of the class and never say a word. The professor will call on him once, toward the beginning of the semester, in hopes that he might be the kind of jock who also wants to learn. Shortly after that, the jock will tell his coach about it, and the coach will tell the administration, who will have a chat with the professor, and for the rest of the semester the jock will be completely ignored by everyone and everything, including the professor's grade book. Such is the tortured life of someone who is extraordinarily gifted in the ways of athleticism.
Why You Need to Know Him: So that when he scores the game-winning point, and the hot chick in the stands next to you hugs you in celebration, you can shout, "that guy's in my English class!", and possibly pique her interest.
What You'll Hear Him Say: "Don't talk to me."
The Girl Who Always Wears Pajamas to Class
This is the girl that, for some reason or another, accidentally signed up for a morning class and then was too lazy to drop it. The only reason she attends class is because she hopes that attendance alone will give her a passing grade. She's usually sleeping with headphones on, and she always has sleep in her eyes. Judging by her level of not giving a f*ck about anything, she probably has a boyfriend, which makes her essentially worthless to you.
Why You Want To Know Her: Umm....she probably has a pretty sweet music collection.
What You'll Hear Her Say: "ZZZ...*cough* ZZZZ *poot!*" (ambient laughter)
The Guy Who's Always Late
If you were gambling on who's the douchiest person in your entire class, this is gonna be your guy. He's always late, but he's trying really hard to make it to every single class, and that can only mean one thing: fraternity rushee. Picking him out of a crowd is pretty easy, too. He's dressed the same as every other douche who's rushing a frat this year. If you happen to be blind, then you can easily identify this guy by the putrid odor of stale booze and date rape that's seeping out of his pores. Also, if you're actually blind, then it's pretty amazing that you're reading this right now. Kudos!
Why You Want To Know Him: He's got the hook-up on cocaine and roofies!
What You'll Hear Him Say: "Bro, you see her? (points to Party Girl) I totally did her in the KFC bathroom last night. Huh? No, the one that's open 24/7. I got a mash bowl. F*ckin' delicious, dude."
This was a complete waste of time to write and read which is why I figured why not waste another minute of my life and tell people about it. If you've every completed more than a year of upper education then you realize that this list is more related to High School generalization than any real world classroom. Forget generalizations (isn't that part of what college is supposed to teach you) and who you see in class and instead what you can learn while you're there. Maybe then we'd be a culture based on substance as opposed to appearance.
being a jock or coach, should give you no authority whatsoever. this country (ironically one of the fattest in the world) idolizes sports and athleticism way to much, and lets jocks and coaches do whatever they want. with robots soon replacing soldiers in the field, and assembly lines eventually replacing workers who make objects by hand in a factory, the day where athleticism is unimportant, is on the horizon. eventually, how fast you can run, or how far you can throw a ball, will be useless in this world, and I can't wait for the day. if being the quarterback of the football team, is the only way to get through school, I think that is the Evolution Reaper, hinting that the rein of the jock, is almost over.
HT, I'm not criticizing this list, on the contrary. you explained it perfectly. keep up the good work, I love these lists
Philoso-faggot aka (The guy who thinks hes an English Major). Didn't I shit in your locker back in high school. Don't be mad cause i got to have sex with all the hot chicks in school while you and your bottle of jergens enjoyed a fun night with your dad (the only person you've ever had sex with).
Why does everyone have the Philosopher, Yea he can be annoying and he really doesnt need to post on everything but otherwise he makes good points somtimes
Hey yeah, let's all listen to economic trend predictions farted out by some guy with no marketable skills. There is no limit to your stupidity, Failosopher.
Is this philosopher guy fer real? i always check these lists when i get home from work and am slowly starting to realize this douche may not get the joke. He refers to to the blog as a person whom he calls "HT" and complains to it like someone here could possible care about anything he(?) ever has an opinion about
Yeah... I just skipped the whole learning thing, joined the Army, learned to blow shit up, jump out of perfectly good aircraft, and perfected the art of dodging bullets... Fuck you and your books. If I can't figure something out, I just slap some C4 on it, blow it to hell, and call it a day.
being a jock or coach, should give you no authority whatsoever.
(shouldn't, but does)
this country (ironically one of the fattest in the world) idolizes sports and athleticism way to much, and lets jocks and coaches do whatever they want.
(As does every culture I've heard about)
with robots soon replacing soldiers in the field, and assembly lines eventually replacing workers who make objects by hand in a factory, the day where athleticism is unimportant, is on the horizon.
(Even though athletic people are considered more healthy, and healthy people are considered attractive?)
eventually, how fast you can run, or how far you can throw a ball, will be useless in this world, and I can't wait for the day.
(Highly doubtful.)
if being the quarterback of the football team, is the only way to get through school, I think that is the Evolution Reaper, hinting that the rein of the jock, is almost over.
(That's not exactly a new developement, so I can't see how it's a sign of anything).
P.S.
You may want to work on your misuse of punctuation and your arrogance.
Douche.
yo philosipher your a dumbass Eli manning just got a 98 Million dollar contract cause he is a pretty good QB im pretty sure this is not an indication of the fall of the jock but rather the opposite. sure there may be less practical needs for athleticism but we will always pay to see a ball game.
Listen, I get it. You want to make fun of Philosopher...but when your first three words are slang, misspelling, misspelling, you look like a total jackass.
I don't understand why Americans idolize their athletes so much. I was always great at sports, played rugby for years, never really liked football though. All that equipment made it feel really gay. Anyway, I cant stand watching sports but its fine if you like it. What is not fine is how much pro athletes get paid. No one ever has a problem with the fact that someone who can put a ball through a hoop can get paid waaaaaaaay more than people who save lives on a daily basis or do other super important things. Firefighters, doctors, military, teachers, police, paramedics etc. We choose to place more importance on sports than these things. Its crazy if you think about it. Also, those pro athletes don't give a $#%@ about you, so why would you even give a %$#@ about them?
BECAUSE SPORING EVENTS HAVE A SHIT LOAD OF PEOPLE ATTEND EVERY GAME, AND HAVING 82 GAMES IN A SEASON(BASKETBALL CAUSE SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT THROWING A BALL THROUGH A HOOP) MAKES A FUCK TON OF MONEY..
THATS WHY THEY GET PAID A RIDICULOUS AMMOUNT YOU STUPID BRIT..
DONT BE MAD CAUSE YOU LOST THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR.. AMERICA IS BETTER THEN ENGLAND..
(84 Comments)
Twitter
Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
August 26th, 2009 at 10:43 am
What about the foreign guy who is older than everyone, and is only in class because his job back in Pakistan is paying him to go to school?
August 26th, 2009 at 06:16 pm
Fuck, I'm that guy...
August 26th, 2009 at 08:06 pm
I've always wondered about that!
August 27th, 2009 at 02:35 am
The little person?
http://www.filthyrichmond.com/2009/06/politically-corrected.html
September 15th, 2009 at 10:29 am
This was a complete waste of time to write and read which is why I figured why not waste another minute of my life and tell people about it. If you've every completed more than a year of upper education then you realize that this list is more related to High School generalization than any real world classroom. Forget generalizations (isn't that part of what college is supposed to teach you) and who you see in class and instead what you can learn while you're there. Maybe then we'd be a culture based on substance as opposed to appearance.
August 26th, 2009 at 10:47 am
The Philosopher: easily noticed by the cum stains on the front of his shirt and his frequent misuse of comas.
August 26th, 2009 at 10:53 am
commas, you fool.
August 26th, 2009 at 10:57 am
You can misuse comas. Kill Bill? I would've.
August 26th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Oh my god you misspelled commas! The internet has defeated you!!
Seriously though I think I was the test guy/lateguy/stoner guy.
I'm gifted
August 26th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Uuuhm, go fuck yourself ???
August 26th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
That statement alone made you a prime candidate for the late guy.
August 28th, 2009 at 09:25 am
Bitching about spelling errors makes you a prime candidate for 'The English Major.'
...
Manbitch.
August 29th, 2009 at 07:14 am
Man-bitch should probably be hyphenated. xD
September 3rd, 2009 at 09:49 am
Yeah, I hyphenate my name. I hate when people don't, it's so disrespectful!
August 26th, 2009 at 10:56 am
being a jock or coach, should give you no authority whatsoever. this country (ironically one of the fattest in the world) idolizes sports and athleticism way to much, and lets jocks and coaches do whatever they want. with robots soon replacing soldiers in the field, and assembly lines eventually replacing workers who make objects by hand in a factory, the day where athleticism is unimportant, is on the horizon. eventually, how fast you can run, or how far you can throw a ball, will be useless in this world, and I can't wait for the day. if being the quarterback of the football team, is the only way to get through school, I think that is the Evolution Reaper, hinting that the rein of the jock, is almost over.
HT, I'm not criticizing this list, on the contrary. you explained it perfectly. keep up the good work, I love these lists
August 26th, 2009 at 11:07 am
... Kill yourself. Everyone hates you. Fatty.
August 26th, 2009 at 11:09 am
I was always too dry to play sports as a kid. So i decided to become awesome at sucking at life.
August 26th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Philoso-faggot aka (The guy who thinks hes an English Major). Didn't I shit in your locker back in high school. Don't be mad cause i got to have sex with all the hot chicks in school while you and your bottle of jergens enjoyed a fun night with your dad (the only person you've ever had sex with).
August 26th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Aren't you supposed to be molested by your dad right now ?
August 26th, 2009 at 02:40 pm
Why does everyone have the Philosopher, Yea he can be annoying and he really doesnt need to post on everything but otherwise he makes good points somtimes
August 26th, 2009 at 02:41 pm
DAMMIT i mean hate not have
August 26th, 2009 at 03:57 pm
awww, did da widdle pooky bear get picked last in gym class? (that could go to philosopher or that jackass)
August 26th, 2009 at 08:45 pm
"The rein of the jock is almost over."
Hey yeah, let's all listen to economic trend predictions farted out by some guy with no marketable skills. There is no limit to your stupidity, Failosopher.
August 27th, 2009 at 02:41 am
Is this philosopher guy fer real? i always check these lists when i get home from work and am slowly starting to realize this douche may not get the joke. He refers to to the blog as a person whom he calls "HT" and complains to it like someone here could possible care about anything he(?) ever has an opinion about
August 27th, 2009 at 02:14 pm
Soooo, do we like the Jocks or what?
Also, I studied philosophy back in school and I am super successful. I'm just saying.
August 30th, 2009 at 06:39 am
Yeah... I just skipped the whole learning thing, joined the Army, learned to blow shit up, jump out of perfectly good aircraft, and perfected the art of dodging bullets... Fuck you and your books. If I can't figure something out, I just slap some C4 on it, blow it to hell, and call it a day.
September 3rd, 2009 at 09:43 am
being a jock or coach, should give you no authority whatsoever.
(shouldn't, but does)
this country (ironically one of the fattest in the world) idolizes sports and athleticism way to much, and lets jocks and coaches do whatever they want.
(As does every culture I've heard about)
with robots soon replacing soldiers in the field, and assembly lines eventually replacing workers who make objects by hand in a factory, the day where athleticism is unimportant, is on the horizon.
(Even though athletic people are considered more healthy, and healthy people are considered attractive?)
eventually, how fast you can run, or how far you can throw a ball, will be useless in this world, and I can't wait for the day.
(Highly doubtful.)
if being the quarterback of the football team, is the only way to get through school, I think that is the Evolution Reaper, hinting that the rein of the jock, is almost over.
(That's not exactly a new developement, so I can't see how it's a sign of anything).
P.S.
You may want to work on your misuse of punctuation and your arrogance.
Douche.
September 4th, 2009 at 01:37 pm
"Idolizes sports and athleticism way to much"
And yet the guy disparaging this doesn't idolize the use of our language near enough.
It's too, not to.
September 10th, 2009 at 04:54 pm
Wow, funny thread!
September 22nd, 2009 at 05:32 pm
"And yet the guy disparaging this doesn't idolize the use of our language near enough."
I think you meant "nearly enough."
First rule of being a grammar nazi: use proper grammar. Douche.
August 26th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Freakin' hillarious post, first laugh of the morning.
Thanks Cracked!!!!
August 26th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Burn.
August 26th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Brett Favre has changed his name to Herpes because he never goes away. See his new jersey at WWW.SQUIBCRIB.COM
August 26th, 2009 at 01:20 pm
"Also, if you're actually blind, then it's pretty amazing that you're reading this right now."
Text-to-speech?
August 26th, 2009 at 07:24 pm
still wouldn't be "reading"
August 26th, 2009 at 02:34 pm
meh,you forgot the soror-a-whore/text bitch, who spends all fucking class giggling at texts ...also known as future Hooters employees
September 2nd, 2009 at 08:40 am
Hey, FUCK YOU!
September 3rd, 2009 at 01:32 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
August 26th, 2009 at 05:09 pm
not all stoners are dirty like that, just those new age hippies who give us a bad name
August 26th, 2009 at 08:09 pm
THANK YOU
August 27th, 2009 at 08:04 am
Second
August 29th, 2009 at 07:51 pm
hey mannnn hippies are cool with me. peace, love, and doobies
September 9th, 2009 at 04:31 pm
Wasking out the Bong water
August 26th, 2009 at 07:16 pm
LOL, stoners ROCK dude!
RT
www.online-privacy.es.tc
August 26th, 2009 at 07:51 pm
"It doesn't matter what your major is, you have to take English 101."
Depends on the school. State school for sure, but not all private schools make you do that.
This same list applies to Calculus I.
August 26th, 2009 at 08:40 pm
yo philosipher your a dumbass Eli manning just got a 98 Million dollar contract cause he is a pretty good QB im pretty sure this is not an indication of the fall of the jock but rather the opposite. sure there may be less practical needs for athleticism but we will always pay to see a ball game.
August 26th, 2009 at 08:55 pm
Listen, I get it. You want to make fun of Philosopher...but when your first three words are slang, misspelling, misspelling, you look like a total jackass.
August 27th, 2009 at 02:17 pm
Pretty much. Enjoy your GED and rotating my tires while reminiscing about back when "you could've gone pro"
August 27th, 2009 at 02:23 pm
I don't understand why Americans idolize their athletes so much. I was always great at sports, played rugby for years, never really liked football though. All that equipment made it feel really gay. Anyway, I cant stand watching sports but its fine if you like it. What is not fine is how much pro athletes get paid. No one ever has a problem with the fact that someone who can put a ball through a hoop can get paid waaaaaaaay more than people who save lives on a daily basis or do other super important things. Firefighters, doctors, military, teachers, police, paramedics etc. We choose to place more importance on sports than these things. Its crazy if you think about it. Also, those pro athletes don't give a $#%@ about you, so why would you even give a %$#@ about them?
August 27th, 2009 at 11:36 pm
BECAUSE SPORING EVENTS HAVE A SHIT LOAD OF PEOPLE ATTEND EVERY GAME, AND HAVING 82 GAMES IN A SEASON(BASKETBALL CAUSE SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT THROWING A BALL THROUGH A HOOP) MAKES A FUCK TON OF MONEY..
THATS WHY THEY GET PAID A RIDICULOUS AMMOUNT YOU STUPID BRIT..
DONT BE MAD CAUSE YOU LOST THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR.. AMERICA IS BETTER THEN ENGLAND..
SUCK ON MY BALLS..
Post new comment