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7 People Who Will Definitely Be In Your English 101 Class

English 101 is like the Ellis Island of college.  It doesn’t matter what your major is, you have to take English 101.  Because of this mandate, your English 101 classmates are the most eccentric and varied bunch that you’ll ever encounter on a college campus.  Here are 7 People that Will Definitely Be in Your English 101 Class:
 
The Stoner
 
 
This guy is pretty easy to spot.  He’s the white dude sporting a "Serj Tankian from System of a Down"-type goatee, and he wears the same clothes to class every single day: a dark-colored hoodie, some dirty-ass f*cked up jeans, and tinted sunglasses.  Nobody ever sits near The Stoner, because he constantly smells like a sweaty garbage-scented incense stick.  He’ll never ask a question or volunteer an answer in class, but he’ll constantly be giggling at things that an 8-year old might also find humorous, like when the professor mentions that Beowulf always fought naked.  Actually, if you think about it, that is kinda funny.
 
Why You Need To Know Him: Do you know anyone else who can get you weed?  I didn’t think so.
 
What You’ll Hear Him Say:  "Dude…the guy from the Miller’s Tale…what a
PIMP, right?  F*ckin’…f*ckin’ the farmer’s wife n’ shit….Badass, dude. Bad…ass."
 
 
The Party Girl
 
 
The Party Girl is easily identified by her uncanny resemblance to a Vegas hooker who hasn’t been home in a few days.  Her hair will look like shit, her makeup will be a complete mess, and she’ll probably have two large X’s on her hands from the club she went to the night before.  She’s not the person you’ll ever want to study with, but if you ever need some gum, she’s the one to ask.  A professional in covering the scent of booze, morning breath, and semen, she’s battle-ready with at least two different types of minty chewing goodness.
 
Why You Need to Know Her:  She knows where the party’s at.
 
What You’ll Hear Her Say:  "Does the Morning After Pill still work if you don’t take it ’til the afternoon?"
 
 
The English Major
 
 

There may be a few English majors in your ENG101 class, but there will definitely be one that stands out above the rest.  He’ll have a name that could easily be shortened, but he prefers to go by the long version.  It’ll be something like Philip instead of Phil, or Danforth instead of just Dan.  You’ll learn his name pretty quickly, too, because the professor will say it about 30 times per class, and this kid will talk so excessively that most of the time it will seem like the rest of the class is just awkwardly sitting in on a conversation between he and the professor.  Luckily, you have no reason to fear him: he’s getting an English degree, which means that in five years he’s going to be just as poor and hopeless as you’ll be.
 
Why You Need to Know Him:  He’ll be good for a few answers on the take-home study guide, as long as you can handle his condescending tone.  Also, he’ll make a great prank target in the future.
 
What You’ll Hear Him Say:  "Paradise Lost is one of the most influential books in literary history.  I simply don’t understand the correlation between me liking that book and you thinking that makes me gay."
 
 
The Guy Who Only Shows Up for Tests
 
 
It sounds weird, but you’ll know this guy by not knowing him.  You may see him on the first day of class, unless he had a friend pick up the syllabus for him.  Other than that, you’d better hope that you studied the night before you see him, because if he’s around, then so is an exam.  The ironic thing is that, depending on the professor’s attendance policy, this guy might actually do better in the class than you do.
 
Why You Need to Know Him:  He’s either really smart, or really stupid.  He’s definitely a bartender, though, which means he can probably get you free drinks.
 
What You’ll Hear Him Say:  "Hey, do we have a test today?  Hell yeah we do. That’s why I’m here!"
 
 
The Jock
 
 
Despite what Major League Baseball may suggest, jocks still have to take English classes, and while a lot of the jocks will manage to get into a special "Jock English Class", there’s bound to be a straggler jock that somehow got stuck in your English class with "the normals".  He’ll sit at the back of the class and never say a word.  The professor will call on him once, toward the beginning of the semester, in hopes that he might be the kind of jock who also wants to learn.  Shortly after that, the jock will tell his coach about it, and the coach will tell the administration, who will have a chat with the professor, and for the rest of the semester the jock will be completely ignored by everyone and everything, including the professor’s grade book.  Such is the tortured life of someone who is extraordinarily gifted in the ways of athleticism.
 
Why You Need to Know Him: So that when he scores the game-winning point, and the hot chick in the stands next to you hugs you in celebration, you can shout, "that guy’s in my English class!", and possibly pique her interest.
 
What You’ll Hear Him Say: "Don’t talk to me."
 
 
The Girl Who Always Wears Pajamas to Class
 
 
This is the girl that, for some reason or another, accidentally signed up for a morning class and then was too lazy to drop it.  The only reason she attends class is because she hopes that attendance alone will give her a passing grade.  She’s usually sleeping with headphones on, and she always has sleep in her eyes.  Judging by her level of not giving a f*ck about anything, she probably has a boyfriend, which makes her essentially worthless to you.
 
Why You Want To Know Her: Umm….she probably has a pretty sweet music collection.
 
What You’ll Hear Her Say: "ZZZ…*cough* ZZZZ *poot!*" (ambient laughter)
 
 
The Guy Who’s Always Late
 
 
If you were gambling on who’s the douchiest person in your entire class, this is gonna be your guy.  He’s always late, but he’s trying really hard to make it to every single class, and that can only mean one thing:  fraternity rushee.  Picking him out of a crowd is pretty easy, too.  He’s dressed the same as every other douche who’s rushing a frat this year.  If you happen to be blind, then you can easily identify this guy by the putrid odor of stale booze and date rape that’s seeping out of his pores.  Also, if you’re actually blind, then it’s pretty amazing that you’re reading this right now.  Kudos!
 
Why You Want To Know Him: He’s got the hook-up on cocaine and roofies!

What You’ll Hear Him Say:  "Bro, you see her? (points to Party Girl) I totally did her in the KFC bathroom last night.  Huh? No, the one that’s open 24/7.  I got a mash bowl. F*ckin’ delicious, dude."
 

86 Responses to "7 People Who Will Definitely Be In Your English 101 Class"

  1. zzzz*cough*zzzz says:

    You know, some of us “intelligentsia” were/are still “getting the chicks.”

    Perhaps they found some sense of danger in that we were chicks ourselves. Whatever it may be, there are no complaints here.
    [...and no, not all nerds are hideous. Some are just sleeping throughout Eng101.]

  2. roflcopter says:

    mmmmmmm…mashbowls

  3. Scruffy says:

    Second

  4. zzzz*cough*zzzz says:

    Your [you're] isn’t spelled wrong, dumbass grammar. “U” and the [philosopher] can go suck eachothers dick[s]…

    No need to go on…

  5. Superstar!! says:

    The spectacle isn’t in the field or the court, its in the stands.

    People who idolize athletes are the most weak minded people on the planet.

    An avid sports fan is the equivalent of a chick who keeps up to date with celebrity gossip and reads all the magazines that you find at the supermarket cash register.

    Celebs don’t matter and athletes don’t matter, its just fucking entertainment. but when you are a super geek about it, you will likely be a beer belly toting loser living on your mothers couch, wearing your favorite sports paraphernalia and you wont even realize that your life is completely empty.

  6. lala says:

    wait, why is the only picture of a black person conveniently under “the jock”?

  7. Will says:

    Pretty much. Enjoy your GED and rotating my tires while reminiscing about back when “you could’ve gone pro”

  8. Superstar!! says:

    I don’t understand why Americans idolize their athletes so much. I was always great at sports, played rugby for years, never really liked football though. All that equipment made it feel really gay. Anyway, I cant stand watching sports but its fine if you like it. What is not fine is how much pro athletes get paid. No one ever has a problem with the fact that someone who can put a ball through a hoop can get paid waaaaaaaay more than people who save lives on a daily basis or do other super important things. Firefighters, doctors, military, teachers, police, paramedics etc. We choose to place more importance on sports than these things. Its crazy if you think about it. Also, those pro athletes don’t give a $#%@ about you, so why would you even give a %$#@ about them?

  9. borge says:

    It seems that you’re shocked by the consumerism of the sport. I don’t understand why. I mean, its spectacle. These athletes are doing things that the majority of Americans can’t (and of course, they wish they could). Whereas I would make a decent to good k-12 teacher without any training other than my high school and college education.
    In fact, thats one of the reasons that teachers get paid so little and why they are so unqualified. It’s a difficult thing to do really well, but people who can do it well are generally qualified for more difficult labor. So teachers get paid poorly, and generally they are bad.

    Philosopher, go to the gym. Humans are meant to exercise. It’ll make you feel better about your life

  10. English teacher says:

    So true!

  11. Smokey says:

    not all stoners are dirty like that, just those new age hippies who give us a bad name

  12. John Woodsons says:

    LOL, stoners ROCK dude!

    RT
    http://www.online-privacy.es.tc

  13. Philosipher is a pr1ck says:

    yo philosipher your a dumbass Eli manning just got a 98 Million dollar contract cause he is a pretty good QB im pretty sure this is not an indication of the fall of the jock but rather the opposite. sure there may be less practical needs for athleticism but we will always pay to see a ball game.

  14. rolls20s says:

    “It doesn’t matter what your major is, you have to take English 101.”

    Depends on the school. State school for sure, but not all private schools make you do that.

    This same list applies to Calculus I.

  15. I agree^ says:

    THANK YOU

  16. Grammar Police says:

    Listen, I get it. You want to make fun of Philosopher…but when your first three words are slang, misspelling, misspelling, you look like a total jackass.

  17. Topher says:

    There is also the 45 year old former stay-at-home mom that’s going back to school and has to interrupt the lecture to have everything the professor says repeated, usually twice. She writes everything down and doesn’t seem to be getting it.

  18. Void says:

    Great list! Philosopher your pretty much describing the new movie surrogates with Bruce W. So stop watching nothing but trailors on HD Net and switch to PBS or something educational. Geeze

  19. afanxd says:

    everyone smile someones fat and crying about it

  20. afanxd says:

    my comment not to topher

  21. fuckgrammar says:

    Your isn’t spelled wrong dumbass grammar. U and the philospher can suck each others dick. U 2 r they 2 “best friends” that go 2 prom 2gether. We all love sports, it gives us something else 2 think about and 4get our problems plus proffesional athlete is where the money is at.

  22. Raskolnikov says:

    I dont think that athletes will ever go away, but the trend of mating is changing course. Nerds and the “intelligentsia” are *in* now. Yeah you were getting all the chicks in high school when everyone was stupid/drunk/high/otherwise inebriated, but those who are actually getting married and reproducing are people who have learned to think (and, of course, write).

    If it were up to me, professional sports would be a $10,000 salary. They aren’t really doing anything from which people could benefit, unlike, say teaching, which is roughly $40,000-60,000. The problem is, the consumerism surrounding the industry inflates players’ salaries, so they get paid more than teachers and scientists for playing a goddamned game.

  23. Hieronymous says:

    Psh…what English major actually takes ENG 101?

  24. sid says:

    well…i could see the stoner type being black, but much less likely to have the system of a down goatee. don’t know many black “party girls”. don’t know ANY black “english majors”…at average universities atleast. the jock and the guy who only comes to class for test could be the same guy, so i guess they split that one. i actually did know a couple black chicks that seemed to wear pajamas more than usual, but the one i still know is pretty successful and didn’t have a boyfriend at the time. only black guys i know that fit “always late/frat rush/douchebag” guy role all go to historically black colleges and not at regular universities…

    plus, unless you live in Nebraska or Utah, go to private U or juco, i’m guessing there’s a pretty good chance that atleast half of the jocks at your school are black.

  25. George T says:

    “Your” isn’t spelled wrong? Go back, read it again, and think REEEEEAL hard this time.

  26. OB269 says:

    BECAUSE SPORING EVENTS HAVE A SHIT LOAD OF PEOPLE ATTEND EVERY GAME, AND HAVING 82 GAMES IN A SEASON(BASKETBALL CAUSE SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT THROWING A BALL THROUGH A HOOP) MAKES A FUCK TON OF MONEY..
    THATS WHY THEY GET PAID A RIDICULOUS AMMOUNT YOU STUPID BRIT..

    DONT BE MAD CAUSE YOU LOST THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR.. AMERICA IS BETTER THEN ENGLAND..

    SUCK ON MY BALLS..

  27. Anonymous Late Guy says:

    What did I miss? I got stuck in traffic and then I got a flat as soon as I started moving and then I got stuck in the Tim Hortons lineup for like an hour. After that I ran out of gas and had to walk the rest of the way. Someone fill me in.

  28. Monsieur Bouf says:

    i think he was saying it was a grammar mistake and not a spelling error. “your” is the correct spelling of “your” but he meant to say “you’re” so either way, you’re getting angry over nothing. . .

  29. Anonymous says:

    ^ ignorance, plain and simple.

  30. Hippy says:

    hey mannnn hippies are cool with me. peace, love, and doobies

  31. sumpplrlozers says:

    this is too funny, these comments are gold!!!!
    some of these are people are just made cuz they are on this list…douches bags make me laugh!!!

  32. Heilige says:

    Haha…dear gods that’s my mother in law. And she tries to make me do her homework for her because “computers are just so complex.”

    gut gemacht ^ ^

  33. Iron monkey says:

    My grandma touched my no-no’s

  34. . says:

    ^Ignorant of ignorance. Also a faggot.

  35. Dickhead says:

    All you guys are freaking losers. Grow a pair and go play some sports you whiny little creeps.

  36. WeirdGirl says:

    Um… -walks away slowly-

  37. Majestic23 says:

    That was classed as a civil war overseas dumbass, if Britain at that time wanted to it could have absolutely destroyed your upstarts. In fact the amount of British troops in Canada at that time could have easily accomplished this. Just another piece of history most citezens of America know jack shitt about as they are too busy slapping each others asses in the locker room.

  38. Another Brit says:

    ^^^ so damn right. Americans are so stupid about things like that. They also seem to think that nothing ever happens in wars until the Americans show up, then the Americans just rape everybody. WRONG. American Civil War (the first one) is another one of them – Americans today know nothin about what was going on then, about the number of British troops not actually in the US. Also did you know Americans are the most hated people on the planet? Also don’t you think it is stupid not being able to burn an american flag in america? Also dont you think that when you look at comments on the internet all the stupid flaming ones are from Americans?
    [/flame]

  39. Leroy says:

    Hey, I resemble that there statement! How am you?

  40. Nigel says:

    You are absolutely correct, old chap! We brits, with our horrible dentistry and awful food, must stick together! Especially since we have done nothing relevant as a nation in centuries. Now let’s tally ho it over to the queen mum’s bedchamber and sniff her knickers!

  41. Anonymous. Its me says:

    Wasking out the Bong water

  42. Random says:

    Wages seem to be completely unfair, and it’s not just professional athletes. My piano teacher in high school got paid more by the hour than my mum, who was a doctor and had to pay registration, insurance etc.

  43. Anon~Taco says:

    Waht about the 40-year old with two kids of their own in college?

    That should’ve made the list.

  44. Alex says:

    That sounds great, I’m in.

  45. I dunno says:

    I was/am an odd combo of the Know-it-All and the Stoner. I never have used pot tho… I’m just easily distracted and usually hungry.

    I can break down the semantics of Shakespeare, I just am too busy staring at the woodgrain in the desk.

  46. AssCream says:

    What about the foreign guy who is older than everyone, and is only in class because his job back in Pakistan is paying him to go to school?

  47. Old foreign guy says:

    Fuck, I’m that guy…

  48. Seriously! says:

    I’ve always wondered about that!

  49. Christine HolyTaco says:

    This was a complete waste of time to write and read which is why I figured why not waste another minute of my life and tell people about it. If you’ve every completed more than a year of upper education then you realize that this list is more related to High School generalization than any real world classroom. Forget generalizations (isn’t that part of what college is supposed to teach you) and who you see in class and instead what you can learn while you’re there. Maybe then we’d be a culture based on substance as opposed to appearance.

  50. Steve says:

    Well said sir.

  51. Bob Billington says:

    Go fuck yourself.

  52. Philosopher's frightened asshole says:

    Is this philosopher guy fer real? i always check these lists when i get home from work and am slowly starting to realize this douche may not get the joke. He refers to to the blog as a person whom he calls “HT” and complains to it like someone here could possible care about anything he(?) ever has an opinion about

  53. Confused says:

    Soooo, do we like the Jocks or what?

    Also, I studied philosophy back in school and I am super successful. I’m just saying.

  54. queeftard says:

    awww, did da widdle pooky bear get picked last in gym class? (that could go to philosopher or that jackass)

  55. That Jackass says:

    DAMMIT i mean hate not have

  56. That Jackass says:

    Why does everyone have the Philosopher, Yea he can be annoying and he really doesnt need to post on everything but otherwise he makes good points somtimes

  57. Just.... says:

    … Kill yourself. Everyone hates you. Fatty.

  58. Philosophers Vagina says:

    I was always too dry to play sports as a kid. So i decided to become awesome at sucking at life.

  59. P-DawG says:

    Aren’t you supposed to be molested by your dad right now ?

  60. The Jock says:

    Philoso-faggot aka (The guy who thinks hes an English Major). Didn’t I shit in your locker back in high school. Don’t be mad cause i got to have sex with all the hot chicks in school while you and your bottle of jergens enjoyed a fun night with your dad (the only person you’ve ever had sex with).

  61. philosopher says:

    being a jock or coach, should give you no authority whatsoever. this country (ironically one of the fattest in the world) idolizes sports and athleticism way to much, and lets jocks and coaches do whatever they want. with robots soon replacing soldiers in the field, and assembly lines eventually replacing workers who make objects by hand in a factory, the day where athleticism is unimportant, is on the horizon. eventually, how fast you can run, or how far you can throw a ball, will be useless in this world, and I can’t wait for the day. if being the quarterback of the football team, is the only way to get through school, I think that is the Evolution Reaper, hinting that the rein of the jock, is almost over.

    HT, I’m not criticizing this list, on the contrary. you explained it perfectly. keep up the good work, I love these lists

  62. Anonymous says:

    “The rein of the jock is almost over.”

    Hey yeah, let’s all listen to economic trend predictions farted out by some guy with no marketable skills. There is no limit to your stupidity, Failosopher.

  63. KnuckleDraggingCromag says:

    Yeah… I just skipped the whole learning thing, joined the Army, learned to blow shit up, jump out of perfectly good aircraft, and perfected the art of dodging bullets… Fuck you and your books. If I can’t figure something out, I just slap some C4 on it, blow it to hell, and call it a day.

  64. Envisage says:

    being a jock or coach, should give you no authority whatsoever.
    (shouldn’t, but does)
    this country (ironically one of the fattest in the world) idolizes sports and athleticism way to much, and lets jocks and coaches do whatever they want.
    (As does every culture I’ve heard about)
    with robots soon replacing soldiers in the field, and assembly lines eventually replacing workers who make objects by hand in a factory, the day where athleticism is unimportant, is on the horizon.
    (Even though athletic people are considered more healthy, and healthy people are considered attractive?)
    eventually, how fast you can run, or how far you can throw a ball, will be useless in this world, and I can’t wait for the day.
    (Highly doubtful.)
    if being the quarterback of the football team, is the only way to get through school, I think that is the Evolution Reaper, hinting that the rein of the jock, is almost over.
    (That’s not exactly a new developement, so I can’t see how it’s a sign of anything).
    P.S.
    You may want to work on your misuse of punctuation and your arrogance.
    Douche.

  65. AnonymousD*ck says:

    “Idolizes sports and athleticism way to much”

    And yet the guy disparaging this doesn’t idolize the use of our language near enough.

    It’s too, not to.

  66. Just lost the GAME says:

    Wow, funny thread!

  67. Christ says:

    “And yet the guy disparaging this doesn’t idolize the use of our language near enough.”

    I think you meant “nearly enough.”

    First rule of being a grammar nazi: use proper grammar. Douche.

  68. I sit behind these assholes says:

    meh,you forgot the soror-a-whore/text bitch, who spends all fucking class giggling at texts …also known as future Hooters employees

  69. John Madden says:

    Hey, FUCK YOU!

  70. HAHAHA says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  71. Maternitus says:

    “Also, if you’re actually blind, then it’s pretty amazing that you’re reading this right now.”

    Text-to-speech?

  72. whatever says:

    still wouldn’t be “reading”

  73. I WAS THAT DOG says:

    Burn.

  74. Steve says:

    Freakin’ hillarious post, first laugh of the morning.
    Thanks Cracked!!!!

  75. Jay says:

    Brett Favre has changed his name to Herpes because he never goes away. See his new jersey at http://WWW.SQUIBCRIB.COM

  76. Snap says:

    You can misuse comas. Kill Bill? I would’ve.

  77. Mr. Inappropriate says:

    Uuuhm, go fuck yourself ???

  78. Pew Pew LAsers says:

    Oh my god you misspelled commas! The internet has defeated you!!

    Seriously though I think I was the test guy/lateguy/stoner guy.

    I’m gifted

  79. Mr. Inappropriate says:

    The Philosopher: easily noticed by the cum stains on the front of his shirt and his frequent misuse of comas.

  80. pileofmatt says:

    commas, you fool.

  81. @Pew Pew LAsers says:

    That statement alone made you a prime candidate for the late guy.

  82. Shooter McGavin says:

    Bitching about spelling errors makes you a prime candidate for ‘The English Major.’


    Manbitch.

  83. Greg says:

    Man-bitch should probably be hyphenated. xD

  84. Man-Bitch says:

    Yeah, I hyphenate my name. I hate when people don’t, it’s so disrespectful!