English 101 is like the Ellis Island of college. It doesn’t matter what your major is, you have to take English 101. Because of this mandate, your English 101 classmates are the most eccentric and varied bunch that you’ll ever encounter on a college campus. Here are 7 People that Will Definitely Be in Your English 101 Class:
This guy is pretty easy to spot. He’s the white dude sporting a "Serj Tankian from System of a Down"-type goatee, and he wears the same clothes to class every single day: a dark-colored hoodie, some dirty-ass f*cked up jeans, and tinted sunglasses. Nobody ever sits near The Stoner, because he constantly smells like a sweaty garbage-scented incense stick. He’ll never ask a question or volunteer an answer in class, but he’ll constantly be giggling at things that an 8-year old might also find humorous, like when the professor mentions that Beowulf always fought naked. Actually, if you think about it, that is kinda funny.
Why You Need To Know Him: Do you know anyone else who can get you weed? I didn’t think so.
What You’ll Hear Him Say: "Dude…the guy from the Miller’s Tale…what a
PIMP, right? F*ckin’…f*ckin’ the farmer’s wife n’ shit….Badass, dude. Bad…ass."
The Party Girl
The Party Girl is easily identified by her uncanny resemblance to a Vegas hooker who hasn’t been home in a few days. Her hair will look like shit, her makeup will be a complete mess, and she’ll probably have two large X’s on her hands from the club she went to the night before. She’s not the person you’ll ever want to study with, but if you ever need some gum, she’s the one to ask. A professional in covering the scent of booze, morning breath, and semen, she’s battle-ready with at least two different types of minty chewing goodness.
Why You Need to Know Her: She knows where the party’s at.
What You’ll Hear Her Say: "Does the Morning After Pill still work if you don’t take it ’til the afternoon?"
The English Major
There may be a few English majors in your ENG101 class, but there will definitely be one that stands out above the rest. He’ll have a name that could easily be shortened, but he prefers to go by the long version. It’ll be something like Philip instead of Phil, or Danforth instead of just Dan. You’ll learn his name pretty quickly, too, because the professor will say it about 30 times per class, and this kid will talk so excessively that most of the time it will seem like the rest of the class is just awkwardly sitting in on a conversation between he and the professor. Luckily, you have no reason to fear him: he’s getting an English degree, which means that in five years he’s going to be just as poor and hopeless as you’ll be.
Why You Need to Know Him: He’ll be good for a few answers on the take-home study guide, as long as you can handle his condescending tone. Also, he’ll make a great prank target in the future.
What You’ll Hear Him Say: "Paradise Lost is one of the most influential books in literary history. I simply don’t understand the correlation between me liking that book and you thinking that makes me gay."
The Guy Who Only Shows Up for Tests
It sounds weird, but you’ll know this guy by not knowing him. You may see him on the first day of class, unless he had a friend pick up the syllabus for him. Other than that, you’d better hope that you studied the night before you see him, because if he’s around, then so is an exam. The ironic thing is that, depending on the professor’s attendance policy, this guy might actually do better in the class than you do.
Why You Need to Know Him: He’s either really smart, or really stupid. He’s definitely a bartender, though, which means he can probably get you free drinks.
What You’ll Hear Him Say: "Hey, do we have a test today? Hell yeah we do. That’s why I’m here!"
Despite what Major League Baseball may suggest, jocks still have to take English classes, and while a lot of the jocks will manage to get into a special "Jock English Class", there’s bound to be a straggler jock that somehow got stuck in your English class with "the normals". He’ll sit at the back of the class and never say a word. The professor will call on him once, toward the beginning of the semester, in hopes that he might be the kind of jock who also wants to learn. Shortly after that, the jock will tell his coach about it, and the coach will tell the administration, who will have a chat with the professor, and for the rest of the semester the jock will be completely ignored by everyone and everything, including the professor’s grade book. Such is the tortured life of someone who is extraordinarily gifted in the ways of athleticism.
Why You Need to Know Him: So that when he scores the game-winning point, and the hot chick in the stands next to you hugs you in celebration, you can shout, "that guy’s in my English class!", and possibly pique her interest.
What You’ll Hear Him Say: "Don’t talk to me."
The Girl Who Always Wears Pajamas to Class
This is the girl that, for some reason or another, accidentally signed up for a morning class and then was too lazy to drop it. The only reason she attends class is because she hopes that attendance alone will give her a passing grade. She’s usually sleeping with headphones on, and she always has sleep in her eyes. Judging by her level of not giving a f*ck about anything, she probably has a boyfriend, which makes her essentially worthless to you.
Why You Want To Know Her: Umm….she probably has a pretty sweet music collection.
What You’ll Hear Her Say: "ZZZ…*cough* ZZZZ *poot!*" (ambient laughter)
The Guy Who’s Always Late
If you were gambling on who’s the douchiest person in your entire class, this is gonna be your guy. He’s always late, but he’s trying really hard to make it to every single class, and that can only mean one thing: fraternity rushee. Picking him out of a crowd is pretty easy, too. He’s dressed the same as every other douche who’s rushing a frat this year. If you happen to be blind, then you can easily identify this guy by the putrid odor of stale booze and date rape that’s seeping out of his pores. Also, if you’re actually blind, then it’s pretty amazing that you’re reading this right now. Kudos!
Why You Want To Know Him: He’s got the hook-up on cocaine and roofies!
What You’ll Hear Him Say: "Bro, you see her? (points to Party Girl) I totally did her in the KFC bathroom last night. Huh? No, the one that’s open 24/7. I got a mash bowl. F*ckin’ delicious, dude."