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7 People You’ll Find at the DMV

The DMV is a level of Hell that would give Dante nightmares. Luckily, it’s a predictable hell: it will always take you a minimum of 6 hours, no matter what you have to do there, you’ll always have to go home and come back two times for documents that you didn’t know you needed, and you’ll always run into the same 7 people at the DMV:
 
The First-Time Driver
 
You’ll spot this kid’s acne-ridden, pubescently disproportioned face from a mile away.  He’ll be nervously tapping his foot and going over his Driver’s Ed class notes, making sure he knows the basic rules of driving inside and out.  He’ll also be accompanied by fat, nervous, mom-jeans-clad mother, or his fat trucker-hat-sporting dad, who’s bitching constantly about how he had to "take a day off from the mill/mine/factory" to "bring his stupid kid down here to get his dumbass driver’s license".

What You’ll Hear Him Say: "What the f*ck is this?! A trick question?! The Driver’s Ed. study guide didn’t say anything about how to handle blind pedestrians!"
 
The Old Person Proving They’ve Still Got It
 
You’ll know God hates you if you end up getting stuck in line right behind this person, and if God does hate you, he’ll have plenty of opportunities to let you know, because the Old Person is going to inadvertantly stand in every single line that the DMV has to offer. This is not because the Old Person doesn’t listen; it’s because they can’t hear a damn thing that anyone is saying to them. They can’t see anything either, because they’re older than half the shit you see on Antique Road Show.  When you’re that old, there are only two things you can do: die, or do whatever you can to deny the fact that you’re useless now and you should just die. So what are they doing at the DMV, trying to renew their 80-year old, hand-written Driver’s License? They’re giving this whole "having the will to live" thing one last shot.
 
What You’ll Hear Them Say: "World War One was the pussiest of all the wars".
 
The Veteran DMV Employee
 
It takes a particular type of person to work at the DMV for any length of time, and the Veteran DMV Employee fits the profile exactly. She’s overweight, but nobody can tell her that without getting a face-full of her awkwardly long yet gingerly decorated fingernails. As both a bitch and a veteran DMV employee, she’s used to getting an earful of bullshit, and she knows exactly how to tell someone off. She relishes the limited authority that her DMV position affords her, and she’s more than willing to take full advantage of it, as long as it doesn’t mess up her meticulously styled and Aquanet-drenched hair.
 
What You’ll Hear Her Say: "Sir, for the last time: get your ass up out my face and fill out a form 79-D!"
 
The "Dressed Up For My Driver’s License Picture" Guy
 

This DMV character can go a couple of different routes: he’s either dressed up in what he thinks makes him look the coolest (in an effort to have at least one good picture of himself in his wallet at all times), or he’s dressed in some sort of ironic costume to make his driver’s license pic "the best f*ckin’ driver’s license pic ever!" The first scenario requires a person who’s probably pretty douchey, because he has a) planned this far ahead for his driver’s license picture, and b) he thinks anyone will be impressed by this. The ridiculous costume guy is probably a cool guy, and we can appreciate his ironic statement and his attempt to make the DMV fun.  However, his plan carries two fatal flaws for you, the innocent "other guy" in line: first, he is absolutely pulling this stunt for attention, so he will be talking about his great idea the entire time you’re standing in line.  Secondly, he’s completely clueless to the fact that, while his blue body paint translates to a hilarious Avatar joke today, he will never be able to get out of a ticket after handing the cop a license featuring a picture of him as a Na’vi, especially 10 years down the road when nobody gives a shit about Avatar anymore.
 
What You’ll Hear Him Say: "Look at this: I put some yarn at the end of my ponytail! Y’know, like in the movie how these things in their ponytails are like their penises or something? I’m gonna be licking it in my picture. It’s gonna be so awesome, bro. For sure!"
 
The Frustrated Business Woman
 
This staple patron of the DMV is easy to spot. She’ll be talking extremely loudly on her bluetooth device while texting furiously on her Blackberry. She’ll be angrily shouting about how she’s "lost more money than you while waiting in this f*cking line" and screaming about "why they don’t have a VIP line at this place".  You can rest assured that she’ll f*ck up her paperwork or just ignore it completely, thinking that she’s too important to have to comply to any sort of government standard. This will inevitably lead to her trying to either talk her way out of having to fill out the paperwork, or bribe the DMV employee at the counter. When both of these tactics fail, she’ll throw a bitch fit until she finally makes a huge, incredibly unnecessary scene and storms out, or is unwillingly escorted out of the building by the DMV security, who have the shittiest job on the entire planet.

What You’ll Hear Her Say: "Why can’t one of my assistants be doing this for me? How much is it going to cost for me to just skip past all this red tape, cutie-pie? Hey! Get your hands off me! Don’t you know who I am? I have rights! (throws shoe at innocent person)"
 
The Stack-o-Papers Guy
 
The Stack-o-Papers guy is fully aware of the DMV’s reputation for requiring unexpected documents and forms to process any request, no matter how small.  He knows that if you need to simply change your address, you’re probably going to need no less than 7 forms of picture ID, 3 copies of your birth certificate, a blood sample, a stool sample, a bloody stool sample, and a noterized, hand-written letter (on official letterhead) from your first grade teacher confirming that you did, in fact, place third in the Spelling Bee that year. That’s why he brought along every single document that has ever passed through his hands. Not only does he have the documents, but he has them in triplicate, to dodge an unexpected trip to Kinko’s during mid-processing. Sure, it’s a pain in the ass to have to drag 700 pounds of paperwork from window to window all day, but it beats the hell out of running back and forth between the DMV, your apartment, and the Library of Congress for 5 weeks straight.
 
What You’ll Hear Him Say: "Canteloupe. I was doing great until that word came up. My teacher said I could’ve probably made it to the state competition, but canteloupe knocked me out of the bee. I’ll never forget how to spell that word again…canteloupe."
 
The Baby
 
There’s a secret about the baby at the DMV: you’ll never see it, you’ll only hear it. It’s like there’s a squad of Ninja Babies whose mission is to make the DMV as mind-stabbingly annoying as possible for everyone who’s waiting there. Barring that completely plausible theory, we’ve come up with another possibility: behind the screams of the DMV baby, there’s a parent who has either completely given up on satisfying their incredibly annoying child’s needs, or they just don’t give a shit.  This popular parenting technique is not unique to DMV’s exclusively. It can also be found on cross-country airplane flights, at movie theaters during the best parts of movies that you’re legitimately enjoying, and in your neighbor’s apartment three hours before you actually have to wake up.
 
What You’ll Hear Them Say: Nothing, apart from constant and deafening screams, interrupted only by short-lived breaks that are just long enough to make everyone think the baby has finally stopped screaming. Once that happens, the screaming starts again immediately.
 

40 Responses to "7 People You’ll Find at the DMV"

  1. Ben Affleck says:

    They were a little higher caliber than that.

    Ex:
    What starts with N, ends with R and is something you NEVER want to call a black person?

    Neighbor.

  2. johnnycash says:

    Well, with all these ignorants ass comments, it’s no surprise that the last time most of you got laid a reference to that movie was still relevant.

  3. Ben Affleck says:

    Why do so many people declare ridiculous racist jokes as ignorance? Never mind the proper definition of ignorance, this site itself is a museum of assholic actions, comments, images and all. What did you expect?

    It may be universally crude to make racist comments, but you can also do so without actually being racist. I have quite a few black friends. Some of the funniest jokes I’ve heard are racist jokes against blacks that THEY told me. One of them introduced me to the hilarious racist song “nigger fucker” by David Allen Coe. It’s horrible from a societal standpoint, but downright hilarious as a song.

    The problem is people are just too wound up. Not to sound like a hippie, but fuckin relax already. All this politically correct bullshit is just too gay to give a shit about.

    I think HT should post the 25 best racist jokes they know.

  4. 00kla the M0k says:

    Yeah, first thing that I thought of was the minority family that has the entire family there including teenagers old enough to stay home and the spouse that doesn’t have business there anyhow. Like some nomad tribe comfortable in even the most awkward of environs.

    Also missing:
    The Hottest Chick in the Joint. This lady is at best a 7 in the looks department and is the only beacon of light for your viewing pleasure while you stand there going mad. Outside of the DMV, you’d probably not give her a second glance but there is an air of desperation in the building similar to being shipwrecked. Your eye will find and fix on the best hag there. Sometimes its Hideous Woman with Great Legs. Sometimes its Snarl of Teeth Under Model’s Haircut. You know its true.

  5. Your're right says:

    It’s true

  6. Your're stupid says:

    Its true

  7. Gomer says:

    What about the person that failed their drivers test…seven times in a row?

  8. Nigger Fucker says:

    Ben Affleck is 100% right.

  9. aPlateOfGrapes says:

    I thought the stack o’ papers guy worked at a British ad agency.

  10. Anony mous says:

      ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬â€œÃ‚²
    â–² â–²

  11. Ben Affleck's RAcist Friend says:

    Why do black people have black hands?
    - They use them to wipe their ass because they cannot afford toilet paper! Chao ftw!

  12. Happy Birthday-Oh wait...I mean-Death From Above says:

    Jesus!

  13. 2009 Taxes says:

    The old lady is bloody sitting on the wrong side of the auto.

  14. blahblah says:

    @2009 Taxes

    Dumb ass that’s probably a European car.

  15. Le' Philosopher says:

    I’m Mr. Bean.

  16. iB says:

    If anything I like reading the stupid comments people post and reading the satirical, snarky comments that Justin leaves. This site is awesome and anyone who comes here often enough to say “re-post” obviously likes the site enough to come often enough to notice such a flub.

  17. Rachel Uchitel says:

    First!!…the fuck Tiger

  18. nobody cares says:

    Dumbfuck, nobody cares if you are first

  19. l2spell says:

    can u guys edit your stuff please? wtf is this

  20. justin says:
    should be a question mark after "wtf is this".
  21. I have the worlds smallest penis says:

    there should be an “I’m gay!” after “justin”

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

  22. Rahm Emmanuel says:

    On my last trip to the DMV I experienced all the above…

  23. Tickle Me Donkey says:

    Really? Were you nude and pointing your finger in random people’s chest while yelling at them to vote for what PBO wants?

  24. JohnnyBrillcream says:

    Some of the writers here are pretty good, other just suck ass. Taco, could you put the name of the writer so I don’t waste my time…..

  25. justin says:
    There are actually two writers who write everything together.  Sometimes we’re both good, and sometimes we both suck ass. It usually just depends on the day, how much coffee we’ve had, and whether we got laid the night before (and by whom/what).
  26. Ben Affleck says:

    Isn’t internet blog reading in general always a waste of time?
    I would restructure the request:

    Taco, could you state the name of the writer so I can avoid spending the time I have allocated to waste – on articles written by people I have pre-approved? This could minimize the disappointment of fruitless browsing and fortify my belief that there is a purpose for returning at a future juncture.

  27. john Goodman says:

    The editing errors are half the experience for me. When I picture the HT office I see two dudes with laptops sitting in front of a big TV with a PS3, each having a beer cracked and there being a haze of pot smoke. They have a job that doesn’t matter if you misspell shit, fuck it.

    As I sit in my office, climbing up the walls and wishing I was drinking, getting high and google searching hot chicks. I envy this job. Any openings??

  28. SaintxXxAsh says:

    Justin, I enjoy yours and Johnny’s work. People like to pick and pick and pick, yet they still return every day AND take the time to post a comment.

  29. jethro says:

    needs more boobs

  30. BLACKY says:

    alot more!!!!!

  31. Renee says:

    You forgot Mexicans. There are always more Mexicans at the DMV than any other kind of person.

  32. Anonymouso says:

    Mexicans aren’t people though.

  33. Ben Affleck says:

    lol that’s why they weren’t listed in the article. Notice no black people were shown either?

  34. Can you lend a nigga a pencil? says:

    Actually, there’s a black man sitting down in the background of the baby picture.

  35. Ben Affleck says:

    Yeah, but clearly not because he has a purpose for being at the DMV. He is obviously just waiting to commit a crime of some kind.
    I think there’s another one robbing the teller next to the girl with the baby.

  36. A perplexed individual says:

    The Veteran DMV Employee – where have I seen that picture before? Is that a screen grab from a movie or something?

  37. Rob says:

    It’s from the 80′s movie Licence To Drive.

  38. Corey Haim says:

    Yep, License to Drive – featuring the hotness that is Heather Graham.

    Also, I’m dead.

  39. Roberto says:

    Somebody forgot to tell the writer it’s supposed to be funny. Everybody knows the worst part of the DMV is all the poor minorities. Half of whom can’t speak English, smell, and have 3 kids with them.