The DMV is a level of Hell
that would give Dante nightmares. Luckily, it’s a predictable hell: it will always take you a minimum of 6 hours, no matter what you have to do there, you’ll always have to go home
and come back two times for documents that you didn’t know you needed, and you’ll always run into the same 7 people at the DMV:
The First-Time Driver
You’ll spot this kid’s acne-ridden, pubescently disproportioned face from a mile away. He’ll be nervously tapping his foot and going over his Driver’s Ed class notes, making sure he knows the basic rules of driving inside and out. He’ll also be accompanied by fat, nervous, mom-jeans-clad mother, or his fat trucker-hat-sporting dad, who’s bitching constantly about how he had to "take a day off from the mill/mine/factory" to "bring his stupid kid down here to get his dumbass driver’s license".
What You’ll Hear Him Say: "What the f*ck is this?! A trick question?! The Driver’s Ed. study guide didn’t say anything about how to handle blind pedestrians!"
The Old Person Proving They’ve Still Got It
You’ll know God hates you if you end up getting stuck in line right behind this person, and if God does hate you, he’ll have plenty of opportunities to let you know, because the Old Person is going to inadvertantly stand in every single line that the DMV has to offer. This is not because the Old Person doesn’t listen; it’s because they can’t hear a damn thing that anyone is saying to them. They can’t see anything either, because they’re older than half the shit you see on Antique Road Show. When you’re that old, there are only two things you can do: die, or do whatever you can to deny the fact that you’re useless now and you should just die. So what are they doing at the DMV, trying to renew their 80-year old, hand-written Driver’s License? They’re giving this whole "having the will to live" thing one last shot.
What You’ll Hear Them Say: "World War One was the pussiest of all the wars".
The Veteran DMV Employee
It takes a particular type of person to work at the DMV for any length of time, and the Veteran DMV Employee fits the profile exactly. She’s overweight, but nobody can tell her that without getting a face-full of her awkwardly long yet gingerly decorated fingernails. As both a bitch and a veteran DMV employee, she’s used to getting an earful of bullshit, and she knows exactly how to tell someone off. She relishes the limited authority that her DMV position affords her, and she’s more than willing to take full advantage of it, as long as it doesn’t mess up her meticulously styled and Aquanet-drenched hair.
What You’ll Hear Her Say: "Sir, for the last time: get your ass up out my face and fill out a form 79-D!"
The "Dressed Up For My Driver’s License Picture" Guy
This DMV character can go a couple of different routes: he’s either dressed up in what he thinks makes him look the coolest (in an effort to have at least one good picture of himself in his wallet at all times), or he’s dressed in some sort of ironic costume to make his driver’s license pic "the best f*ckin’ driver’s license pic ever!" The first scenario requires a person who’s probably pretty douchey, because he has a) planned this far ahead for his driver’s license picture, and b) he thinks anyone will be impressed by this. The ridiculous costume guy is probably a cool guy, and we can appreciate his ironic statement and his attempt to make the DMV fun. However, his plan carries two fatal flaws for you, the innocent "other guy" in line: first, he is absolutely pulling this stunt for attention, so he will be talking about his great idea the entire time you’re standing in line. Secondly, he’s completely clueless to the fact that, while his blue body paint translates to a hilarious Avatar joke today, he will never be able to get out of a ticket after handing the cop a license featuring a picture of him as a Na’vi, especially 10 years down the road when nobody gives a shit about Avatar anymore.
What You’ll Hear Him Say: "Look at this: I put some yarn at the end of my ponytail! Y’know, like in the movie how these things in their ponytails are like their penises or something? I’m gonna be licking it in my picture. It’s gonna be so awesome, bro. For sure!"
The Frustrated Business Woman
This staple patron of the DMV is easy to spot. She’ll be talking extremely loudly on her bluetooth device while texting furiously on her Blackberry. She’ll be angrily shouting about how she’s "lost more money than you while waiting in this f*cking line" and screaming about "why they don’t have a VIP line at this place". You can rest assured that she’ll f*ck up her paperwork or just ignore it completely, thinking that she’s too important to have to comply to any sort of government standard. This will inevitably lead to her trying to either talk her way out of having to fill out the paperwork, or bribe the DMV employee at the counter. When both of these tactics fail, she’ll throw a bitch fit until she finally makes a huge, incredibly unnecessary scene and storms out, or is unwillingly escorted out of the building by the DMV security, who have the shittiest job on the entire planet.
What You’ll Hear Her Say: "Why can’t one of my assistants be doing this for me? How much is it going to cost for me to just skip past all this red tape, cutie-pie? Hey! Get your hands off me! Don’t you know who I am? I have rights! (throws shoe at innocent person)"
The Stack-o-Papers Guy
The Stack-o-Papers guy is fully aware of the DMV’s reputation for requiring unexpected documents and forms to process any request, no matter how small. He knows that if you need to simply change your address, you’re probably going to need no less than 7 forms of picture ID, 3 copies of your birth certificate, a blood sample, a stool sample, a bloody stool sample, and a noterized, hand-written letter (on official letterhead) from your first grade teacher confirming that you did, in fact, place third in the Spelling Bee that year. That’s why he brought along every single document that has ever passed through his hands. Not only does he have the documents, but he has them in triplicate, to dodge an unexpected trip to Kinko’s during mid-processing. Sure, it’s a pain in the ass to have to drag 700 pounds of paperwork from window to window all day, but it beats the hell out of running back and forth between the DMV, your apartment, and the Library of Congress for 5 weeks straight.
What You’ll Hear Him Say: "Canteloupe. I was doing great until that word came up. My teacher said I could’ve probably made it to the state competition, but canteloupe knocked me out of the bee. I’ll never forget how to spell that word again…canteloupe."
There’s a secret about the baby at the DMV: you’ll never see it, you’ll only hear it. It’s like there’s a squad of Ninja Babies whose mission is to make the DMV as mind-stabbingly annoying as possible for everyone who’s waiting there. Barring that completely plausible theory, we’ve come up with another possibility: behind the screams of the DMV baby, there’s a parent who has either completely given up on satisfying their incredibly annoying child’s needs, or they just don’t give a shit. This popular parenting technique is not unique to DMV’s exclusively. It can also be found on cross-country airplane flights, at movie theaters during the best parts of movies that you’re legitimately enjoying, and in your neighbor’s apartment three hours before you actually have to wake up.
What You’ll Hear Them Say: Nothing, apart from constant and deafening screams, interrupted only by short-lived breaks that are just long enough to make everyone think the baby has finally stopped screaming. Once that happens, the screaming starts again immediately.