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7 Pornos No One Asked For

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Some thematic elements take to porn like stink to a monkey, or a lawyer to debauchery. Others tend to be a little forced, like a lawyer’s client to their lawyer’s debauchery. So for every cable guy and pool boy there’s a interstellar pope or a mongloid garbage man who inexplicably find themselves in a situation where the only solution to their problems is humping. Lots and lots of humping.

Zombie Porn

zombie porn

Zombies are more popular today than polio vaccines were back in 1953 and man were they popular back then. Ask grandma, she probably had a lot of polio vaccine orgies, they were all the rage.

While you can make straight zombie movies, and zombie comedies, and zombie comic books and zombie cakes and AMC has an awesome new zombie series on the way, the one thing you can’t do very well is make a zombie porno. And do you know why? It has something to do with rotting flesh and post-apocalyptic cannibalism. On the big list of things that are sexy, those are waaaaaay down near the bottom along with Nancy Grace, rancid lunch meat and kitty litter boxes in the homes or hoarders. Do you want to watch Nancy Grace make awkward, Shrek-love to some bad pastrami in a cat’s shit box? Probably not. Don’t need to see zombies humping either.

Amish Porn

amish porn

The Amish are the butt of many jokes because we have no fear of them, they’re like the Jews in that way. We know they’ll never fight back with fisticuffs. Could you even imagine? An Amish man with his wiry pube beard and a Jew with his sharpened dreidel just going apeshit? Never going to happen.

Maybe because of their technological isolation and curious way of life, the Amish fascination lead someone to think that there’s probably some awesome Amish boning that needs to be exploited in porn form, let’ give it a try. But this entire premise falls apart mercilessly if you have ever met any real Amish people in your life. Because that lady on the box art there sure as shit ain’t Amish. She needs more mustache, a more dour expression, stout build, woolen clothing, homemade pies and a respectable aversion to our modern methods of destroying body odor. And even then she’d still probably just be Mormon hot.

No, the Amish are to sex what open flames are to your colo-rectal well being. If the mystery of the Amish is enthralling to you, go buy some of their mince pies at a farmer’s market and eat them while feeling mildly depressed.

Angel Porn

angel porn

I read the description of this movie twice and I didn’t make a mistake, it’s absolutely about an angel who gets stripped of her wings and (this is where I adlib) proceeds to f*ck dudes for 90 minutes because who the hell cares about the story.

For porno to tread this close to theology, someone had to grow up in an extremely backward household and/or spend far too much time as an altar boy. And that just explains it, it doesn’t really justify it in any way. Once Jesus and the heavenly host make their way into your wank material it’s a slippery, albeit sticky, slope towards condoms shaped like the pope’s hat and holy water enemas. Probably.

Hillbilly Porn

hillbilly porn

Do you know what’s sexier than hillbillies? Aside from zombies, pretty much everything. Literally. Prolapsed colon, Amy Winehouse, undercooked pork, you can make a strong case for any being more palatable than inbred mountain people stripping off their coveralls to bump uglies in a haystack.

Tax Porn

tax porn

Yeah, so this is what happens when uncreative people attempt creativity (we invite you to take a moment to scroll down to the comments and make fun of us). You have Gary the Porn Intern who desperately wants to come up with the newest most awesome porn angle, but all he can think is something along the lines of “boobs!” with a dull, white noise kind of hum droning in the background. Poor bastard. So after a week and a half of brainstorming we get a porno about taxes.

Thanksgiving Porn

thanksgiving

You could arguably make a few decent porn scenarios out of a holiday like Christmas. There’s unwrapping, there’s candles, there’ snuggling close by the fire, all that sappy shit. Seems like it’s begging for a Yultetide hummer to be tossed in there. Thanksgiving, however, is mostly about a native population being subjected to foreign diseases and white people pretending turkey is a traditional dish. Sure, you can make jokes about stuffing but really, it’s wet bread and salmonella. Not the sexiest of holidays.

Given enough time, you could probably make a more reasonable porno out of just about any other holiday on the calendar, with the possible exception of Martin Luther King Day, generally considered the least erotic of all the stat holidays.

Joey Buttafuoco Porn

buttafuoco

Who the f*ck wants to see Joey Buttafuoco have sex?

13 Responses to "7 Pornos No One Asked For"

  1. Cleanse Body says:

    I think all porn sells. Ok, not the dead porn.

  2. horse dick .MpEG says:

    i just skip to all the good parts who gives a shyt about storylines i only need five to ten minutes lol

  3. DonkeyXote says:

    A FOUR hour long porn movie?? 0.o

  4. Dangerous Man Uno says:

    I masturbate furiously to that asian chick.
    I demand a porn parody of the bible!
    like Instead of genesis, I want jen-has-tits

    Instead if Revelations…..I want wet-cum-ejaculations.

    Instead of Jesus the christ , I want JESUS THE PIPE

    MOSES….MUFFES

    THE DEVIL…..THE NIPPLE

    Instead of NOAH”S ARK……I WANT NOAH’ PARTS

  5. Renee Likealizardonawindowpane says:

    You’re DOB, aren’t you? Admit it Dan, we know it’s you.

  6. GOODSTUFF says:

    After watching porn over the years; I am starting to get bore with the stuff they are producing. Or maybe I am getting to old to abuse my self several times an hour. However, there are some funny jems posted every once in awhile.

    here are some funny “sex tapes” that I have collected
    http://goodstuff4u.multiply.com/journal/item/257/HOT_SEX_TAPES_

  7. nunya says:

    even the buttafucco porn?

  8. Orifice Jerq says:

    Sorry, I beg to differ. I explicitly asked for all of those pornos.

  9. nocturnesthesia says:

    Hold up a second…. Zombie porn is a thing?

  10. Derp says:

    Ian, that comment made me laugh so hard man. We need you back on cracked.

  11. Ian Fortey says:
    Cracked?  I dunno if I’m at the caliber they are.  Also yes, I am clearly a prude.  I have never written for Cracked either.  Adnd if I had, they wouldn’t have been articles about sex or anything, due to my prudishness.  And you do not lack understanding about what the word prude means in any way.
  12. the representative says:

    yeah, what a bunch of prudes at holytaco. I especially loved that angel porn movie, need more of those and also ones involving jesus, mary and god. And holytaco needs better articles. cracked leaves you guys in the dust. try harder guys.

  13. Billy-Bob says:

    Yeahy Buttafucka roolz!

    and haybales…

    captcha be rectal, how apropriate.