7 Possible Culprits Behind the Mystery Missile Launch

Yesterday, just before sunset, there was a missile launch off the coast of Los Angeles (click here for details). The government is claiming that it has no idea who conducted the launch of what some experts speculate may have been an ICBM. While the military is left scratching their heads as to who was behind the incident, NORAD is assuring the public that “from all indications this was not a launch by a foreign military." So if it wasn’t our government, and it wasn’t another government, clearly a supervillain is behind this fiendish plot. But which one? Since I’m sure the boys at the CIA are too busy catching Bin Laden, I took the liberty of coming up with this list of possible suspects.

Dr. Claw ("Inspector Gadget")

Dr. Claw is the evil genius behind the criminal organization known as M.A.D. (not to be confused with the criminal organization known as M.A.D.D.). Although no known pictures of Claw’s face exist, bizarre rumors about his unnatural affinity for cats have been circulating for years.

Motive: After watching the live action version of Inspector Gadget, I felt like blowing up Los Angeles. I can only imagine Claw feels the same way.

Magneto (The X-Men Films)

Magneto is an evil mutant with the power to generate magnetism. It’s a lot cooler than it sounds. Magneto is also a Jew, and he’s really bitter about that whole Holocaust thing. In fact, he thinks it’s only a matter of time before the government is going to start putting mutants in camps. God damn, I hope he’s right. I’ve never seen a Jew with lasers for eyes, so I’ve got no beef with them. Mutants, on the other hand, are a threat to national security and must be stopped.

Motive: I dunno. Something with magnets, I guess.

A Third Gruber Brother (The Die Hard Films)

First, there was Hans. Next, there was Simon. Could there be a third Gruber lying in wait (let’s call him Larry Gruber)? If that missile test is any indication, yes. And if Larry’s anything like his brothers, it’s all part of an overly elaborate scheme to steal some money.

Motive: Aside from the cash, Larry is no doubt looking for a chance to kill John McClane, who will probably be visiting his ex-Wife in LA around Thanksgiving.

Cobra Commander ("GI Joe")

The supreme leader of the terrorist organization known as COBRA, Cobra Commander is a charismatic criminal mastermind. He’s also a real dick, and dicks like to destroy things with missiles for no good reason.

Motive: CC is a dick, which means he’s after world domination by default. Also, he probably wants to prevent another horrible GI Joe sequel.

Ernst Stavro Blofeld (The James Bond Films)

Like Cobra Commander, Blofeld is the leader of a criminal syndicate known as SPECTRE. And like CC, Ernst strives for world domination. But unlike Cobra Commander, Blofeld might be dead. The thing is, you never can be sure with supervillains.

Motive: Unlike the new GJ Joe films, the Jame Bond reboots have been pretty good. If anything, Blofeld is bitter about not yet being included.

Jerry Jones (The NFL)

An evil genius who owns the Dallas Cowboys, Jones has recently watched his plans for world domination crumble thanks to the ineptitude of his bumbling sidekick, Wade Phillips.

Motive: Now that Phillips has been liquidated, Jones is activating “Plan B,” which involves destroying a large chunck of Los Angeles, paving the way for a new stadium and a fresh start for the “Los Angeles” Cowboys.

"Lex" Luthor (The Superman Films)

Luther is a brilliant scientist who is only interested in increasing his own power. Noramlly, he hangs out around Metropolis, but since he’s already attempted to sink California into the Pacific via missile attack, he is definitely at the top of this list.

Motive: A sick real-estate fixation.