The scourge of reality TV has reached stunning heights in the last couple of years, where it seems like literally anything can and will be televise. From people who shop with coupons, to meth addicts to pawn shops and hillbillys, there’s really no good reason you can’t be featured on a reality show providing you’re more or less alive.
Given how popular shows like Storage Wars and Hoarders are, the least we could do is try to improve on these lame ass shows with some new twists and turns to make watching next season’s crop of shows less deplorable.
Storage Swamp Weddings
Like: Storage Wars, Swamp People, any terrible wedding show
The Show: It’s romance and bargain hunting deep in the bayou (with a chance of gator maulings) as we follow the ups and downs of planning a swamp wedding that has to be furnished entirely with crap bought at storage auctions. But when you have competing wedding parties bidding on the same auctions, who’s going to make it to the altar first?!?
First episode: Billy Sue and Billy Jo are getting married down at the swamp chapel an Billy Bob finds a storage locker chock full of TVs, mattresses and sofas, the perfect gifts for a new couple. Only thing is, Billy Ray and Billy Jean from down in Codswallow Creek have their eye on the unit, too.
Sing For Your Freedom
Like: American Idol, The Voice, Cops, Jail
The Show: Young criminals with a talent for music are given the option to go straight to jail or put on the performance of a life time to avoid hard time. Drug dealers, muggers, frauds, arsonists and murderers take the stage before a live audience and a panel of hard boiled law enforcement judges performing the pop hits of today and yesterday. Winners get to see their loved ones, losers go to a federal prison and become someone else’s loved one.
First Episode: Three crackheads and a burglar take on the hits of Lionel Ritchie. One person is going home, but everyone else is going to county lockup.
Little Big Man
Like: The Little Couple, My 600lb Life
The Show: Follow the life of a morbidly obese midget as he struggles in a world made for people 2 feet taller and 300 lbs lighter. Urinals, stairs, unicycles, nothing works right when you’re the size of a beer fridge.
First Episode: Little Big Man needs to take a plane to see a specialist across country, but to get on the plane he either needs to buy a new seat or check himself as baggage.
There’s No Crying in Pawn
Like: Pawn Stars, Toddlers & Tiaras
The Show: Delusional, insane, negligent and straight up abusive parents offer up their children on the black market to the highest bidder. Talented kids fetch top dollar but the losers are a dime a dozen. Watch these Black Market Mommies pawn their kids off after forcing them through rigorous talent routines to ensure their spawn nets top market value.
First Episode: Eastern Europe’s finest human trafficking arena is the stage for a pair of twin girls who have just perfected a stunning country western dance routine. Meanwhile in Mexico, can Marigold overcome stage fright to perform a salsa dance for buyers or will mommy have to lock her in the cage again until next sale time?
Like: Hoarders, Cake Boss, Cupcake Wars
The Show: People’s who’s disgusting habits are a sign of mental illness bake cakes out of the massive amounts of shit they keep in their homes, all to meet special orders. Will the inclusion of secret theme ingredients trip any of them up?
First Episode: Four certifiably insane bakers have to locate an oven under mounds of dangerous, filthy awfulness and use it to bake cupcakes for this year’s Mental Health Awareness Gala.
Like: America Hoggers, Lady Hoggers, Toddlers & Tiaras
The Show: Obnoxious children wallow in mudpits until someone chases them down and hogties them. Winner gets a prize that does not balance out the shame.
First Episode: Lorelei Jenkins and her mom Tawny-Crystal-Beth arrive in Pawfucket County for the annual Toddler Hollerin’ Competition. Looks like this year’s gonna be a doozy!
Like: Miami Ink, Tattoo School, Intervention
The Show: Tattoo artists from around the country gather to compete head to head in a series of challenges that will test not only their ability to seamlessly change between art styles but demonstrate a vast array of techniques and also a superhuman-like ability to hold alcohol as each challenge will require them to be slightly more drunk than the previous challenge.
First Episode: 12 artists gather in Vegas and are first tasked with showing off their skills with a classic pin up girl tattoo. Also, they all have to drink two bottles of Everclear while they do it.