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7 Reasons Why the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi Are a Total Disaster

(The streets of Sochi are filled with stray dogs, and most of them have no intention of finding employment.)

Tomorrow, the Opening Ceremonies of the 2014 Winter Olympics will kick off in Sochi, Russia — a coastal town on the Black Sea that you probably never heard of until it was selected as this year’s host city. At this point, Sochi’s primary export is bad publicity. Every day, new reports emerge about what a chaotic, disastrous scene the Winter Olympics in Sochi have become, and the goddamned thing hasn’t even started yet. Below, we’ve done our best to round up the scariest Sochi screw-ups so far. If we’ve left out any major ones, let us know on twitter @HolyTaco.

1) The event courses are lethal.

The women’s downhill skiing track wasn’t properly tested, which left athletes injured and terrified when they tried the course for the first time. Apparently, the last jump is a real motherfucker. “You feel like you’re never going to come down,” said American Laurenne Ross. Meanwhile, snowboarding star Shaun White has pulled out of the slopestyle event, whatever the hell that is, because the course has carved a path of broken collarbones and concussions. “It’s like jumping out of a building,” said Canada’s Sebastien Toutant. Basically, the Sochi Olympics are the closest thing the world has to Action Park.

2) As soon as you arrive in Sochi, computer hackers steal all your personal information.

“Visitors can expect to be hacked”? “No expectation of privacy”? What is this, Communist Russia?

3) The hotels are about what you’d expect from a country known for human-rights abuses.

(That’s Russian tap-water. True story.)

Sochi has been preparing for this moment for seven years, and it still seems like the influx of visitors took everyone completely by surprise. Rooms are in absolute shambles. The hotels themselves are still being constructed. You’re not allowed to flush toilet paper, for the love of God. Putin watches you make love, and they already ran out of pillows. Journalist are being locked inside their roomsTotal nightmare.

4) The Sochi Winter Olympics will cost more than every other Winter Olympics combined.

Russia is shelling out an estimated $51 billion to put on the 2014 Winter Games, which is more than four times higher than the original $12 billion estimate. Building an Olympic village in Sochi required the construction of massive new infrastructure, and efficiency was never a priority. Basically, the Sochi Olympics might have just been an excuse to build a bunch of new railroads out in the middle of nowhere.

5) Sochi is patrolled by packs of wild dogs…which has led to a robust dog-extermination market.

The Russian government has hired exterminators to round up and poison the stray dogs that have become unavoidable in Sochi. What makes this situation especially sad is that the prevalence of strays in Sochi has been exacerbated by the Olympics themselves:

Local animal rights workers say many of the strays were pets, or the offspring of pets, abandoned by families whose homes with yards were demolished over the past few years to make way for the Olympic venues and who were compensated with new apartments in taller buildings, where keeping a pet is often viewed as undesirable.

6) The Team USA sweaters.

Ah yes. Very Danny Torrance-chic.

7) Look what they’re charging for ice cream in the ass! It’s highway robbery!

(via Guyism)

Follow @SochiProblems to stay current on the 2014 Winter Olympics train-wreck as it unfolds, and be thankful you don’t have to be there in person.

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