Helping a girl move is like sitting through a screening of Beverly Hills Chihuahua with a clothespin on your ballsack: it's completely miserable, it hurts like hell, and you gain absolutely nothing from it. Most girls have no idea how to move, which is why they're asking for your help, and if you agree to help them then you're willingly walking in to the shittiest day of your life. If you're not convinced yet, here are 7 specific reasons why you should never help a girl move:
It's Going to Take Way More Than Two Hours
Girls are terrible at gauging the time it takes to do things. This is why, if you make the mistake of going somewhere with a girl, you're always going to be late. She's going to tell you that it'll only take two hours to move her entire apartment. She's not deliberately lying to you on purpose. She just can't tell how long things take to happen. She has absolutely no idea how long it takes to curl her own hair, let alone load, transport, and unload the entire contents of a one-bedroom apartment. Try not to be too harsh when you're telling her that she's completely bat-shit crazy.
You're Going To Have To Drive The Moving Truck
One of the most terrible moving-related lies is the old "we can do it in one trip" line. It doesn't matter that she rented the biggest f*cking truck that U-Haul had to offer. That just means that you're going to have to drive that four-wheeled monstrosity back and forth across town for five hours while she sits in the passenger seat and bitches at you about how you need to be more cautious, because she didn't get the insurance. She may even claim that she'll handle the driving, but the moment it's time to back out of the driveway or take a sharp corner, it'll be you behind the wheel for the rest of the day. Also, you will hit something. You will.
The Couch Is Not Going To Fit Up The Stairs
We hate referencing the tv show Friends for anything (unless it's some kind of "What's more gay?"-type argument) but when it comes to moving couches, they totally nailed it. Staircase designers go to great lengths to ensure that stairwells are completely unsuitable for the transportation of couches. That's like the first thing they teach you in staircase-making school. You may make it up one or two flights of stairs, but this girl that you're helping doesn't live on the first or second floor of her new building. She's on the seventh floor, which means that your life is going to get about five times more miserable before you can even come back downstairs for the ridiculous collection of bookcases that she's accumulated. It's best to just avoid the situation altogether. Also, Ross is a pussy.
She Has Way More Shit Than She Thinks She Has
When girls are moving, they assess the amount of crap that they have like a self-conscious dude in a gang bang: they just awkwardly scan the room and consider only the things that are larger than they are. If you ask a girl right now what she has in her living room, she'll probably say she has a couch, a tv, and a coffee table. I guarantee you that that's about 1/30th of the contents of her living room. It's not her fault, and she's not doing it on purpose. She's just not engineered to think about the tons and tons of useless shit she has scattered all over the place, because if she did then she would realize that she should just throw that shit away, and then she wouldn't have all that junk, and then she wouldn't be a girl, now would she?
You're Worth More Than $7 Worth of Pizza and Beer
You're about to spend an entire day lifting things that are way too heavy for you to be lifting, and you're going to be doing that for way longer than you should. You're probably going to suffer some serious spinal damage, and you're going to be pissed off the whole time, and the last thing you need is to be drunk while you're doing that. You think it's hard to carry a futon matress when you're perfectly sober? Try doing it when you can't even see straight.
She's Not Going To Help You At All
When she asks you if you'll help her move, what she's really saying is, "Will you pack up all of my belongings, drive me to my new apartment, and then unpack all of that shit while I organize my bathroom medicine cabinet?" If you would answer "No f*cking way" to that question, then you'd better use the same answer for her request for moving help, because while you're trying to cram her dead grandma's antique china cabinet into a way-too-small "service" elevator, she'll be making sure the forks look tidy in the silverware drawer. That's right: she's not even going to use the f*cking 300-pound china cabinet to put the dishes in. In fact, there's only one good reason to ever help a girl move, and unfortunately we've got some bad news for you:
She's Not Going To Have Sex With You
That's right: even after you've worked your ass off all day to carry every f*cking thing she owns up and down seven flights of stairs, she's still not going to have sex with you. Of course, she realizes that's the possibility of a good post-moving bonerfest is the only reason why you're helping her, so it's in her best interest to cultivate the possibility of gratitude sex for the entirety of the ordeal. Therefore, it will piss you off even more when she explains that she's really tired from a long day of moving (read: hanging up her clothes in her closet while you tried to avoid being crushed by a credenza) and she just wants to go to sleep. You will end this day exhausted, pissed off, horny, drunk, and with a f*cked up back problem that'll take years to fix. It's all downhill from there, so just avoid it altogether and don't ever help a girl move.
So glad I read this. For a week or so now, a very cute girl I went to high school with that I haven't seen in 10 years has been on facebook complaining about moving and if anyone could help. Considering I just helped my best friend move into his own place, I really don't feel like helping her now to. Granted, the thought had crossed my mind numerous times. So yeah, glad I read this now and yes, staircases are not not designed for moving couches.
They can make tv's, computers, monitors, and stereo speakers as small as they want. Until we can fold up our couches (even a futon frame is a pain in the ass), moving is never going to be a pleasant experience.
This shit should have been up 3 months ago when i help me friend moved. EVERYTHING in this post is correct. Dude if you do it just think about this list. Its all true.
Dude, you'd be surprised. My current eff. is 300 sq. feet, and I had to store more than half of my library at my parents' house, but I still managed to fit two dozen pairs of shoes into my closet. We're magic that way.
Also, if I didn't collect all of those bookshelves, where would I keep all of my candles and Russian nesting dolls and copies of Cosmo?
For most girls, this is true. Guys are guilty of some of the same things, and in fact I NEVER helped a guy move who had everything packed when the moving crew arrived. I've helped with at least 2 dozen guy moves and I was usually the one throwing last minute things into boxes and grocery/garbage bags and loading them into my car as the van was being loaded.
One of the guys I helped move into his first house wanted us to move a "shelf system" that was made of 2x4 lumber and cinder blocks. As ghetto as it was, I recognized that lumber and cinder blocks can be useful, so I didn't stop them from getting onto the van. But on my way to his new place I stopped off and bought him a respectable living room shelf unit as a housewarming gift. I even assembled it when I got there. We girls aren't all bad.
But seriously, she's right. My roommate is actually a little better than this. She only does half the shit on here and most of the time is spent fighting with her boyfriend(s).
Yep, surprisingly there are still some of us out there that aren't that bad. I help close friends and family only: that's it. I don't ask for a guy's help unless it's for advice on a car, or how to fix a pipe.
If I were single, and helping a guy move, I would wonder if the guy has no other guy friends to help.
'Cause really; why?
Why ask a woman to help you move your crap?
Unless it's because you think that you can't organize enough to pack well, or you'll forget to wrap your glasses in paper so they won't break in the move (it takes too long and it's a pain in the ass). In that case, don't own anything made from glass, and pack your boxes any which way; it's not gonna stay organized when you get there anyway. Just like the overnight bag: Pick what few things you need and dump it in.
Seriously. No point. You'll just complain that they are taking too long and that you REALLY don't need any more boxes.
See, guys with packing boxes is like guys with packing groceries in a bag: If you don't need a bag to carry it out, then you skip it.
(Guys figure that all the boxes they get in one trip is according to looking around, assessing what they have, and grabbing them for all those stupid little things, like DVD's.)
Only other clear compensation, and it has to be established from the get-go: CASH. Cold, hard cash. If you can't afford to pay one way, then they expect to be compensated somehow. ;)
Damn skippy I'm worth more than 7 bucks' worth of pizza and beer. It'd take at least 15 bucks' worth of beer to convince me to help you move in the first place.
If i have the balls to ask a guy to help me move then i owe HIS balls a lickin. Men, you are greatly appreciated for these kinds of things, accept nothing less than a bj for moving someone up stairs and a handy j for a 1 story.
I require no less than a BJ before I even start to move a female's junk. Consider it a security deposit; I'm getting something outta the blood, sweat, and tears I'll be shedding all day.
All the big stuff (couch, bed, TV, etc.) gets loaded in the back of the truck, so that it comes off last. I drive the truck and I hold onto the keys. Before I get the big heavy stuff off, I want my full sex payment. I won't have the energy afterward.
If she doesn't pay up, I'm gone--with the keys--in the truck--with her stuff. Good luck finding where I left it.
I can fit any couch up any staircase, without destroying my back. Never move it up longways, you will get stuck, upend it. you can then turn it through any staircase, doorway, whatever with a 30 degree turn. Also, take the feet off.
Thallia, you replaced his easy to carry, versatile composite material shelving unit...with a crummy pressure board Target bookshelf that's so heavy and weak it can't support it's own weight, didn't you?
You saved my life!
Today, a girl that I know for a while, was complaining about moving (she is going to move by end of this month) and if anyone could help…..
I don't feel like helping her now..
Ha ha, I'm a girl and this is so very true. I even did the same thing a few weeks ago.. Expect, I gave a 2 hour back massage... So I think I paid my dues for the help. =D
A perfect shining example of the female mindset. 8 hours of moving heavy shit for her, and she thinks that 2 hours of clumsily (in before, "I'm a massage therapist"...right, we all are) beating his back up is a substitute for sex.
no... you you didn't. repeat you did NOT pay your dues.
I guarantee the ENTIRE time you were rubbing his back he was wondering when you were gonna strip. The fact you didn't means you will never get his help again. ever.
don't believe me? ask him to help you move your friend and listen to his excuse then suck his dick and ask again. Got it? Good.
Pretty funny and accurate. I'll admit that I am a horrible judge of the time it takes to do just about everything and that I have way to much crap scattered around my apartment. But I sure as hell can drive my own moving van - even around sharp turns and out of driveways. (And I've never hit anything.)
So Liz, even after the article you admit that you do all of this and instead of offering sex you agree to drive the truck? WTF is it really that difficult after reading the article and saying OK, BJ it is. What is the big deal, BJs don't cost you anything.
Even as a girl who has needed help moving several times, I find this hilarious and 95% true. I'm moving for the 6th time in 6 years, and it's taken this long for me realize how much crap I have. This time, I've been hauling car-loads of all the stuff "smaller than me" every day for two weeks - WITHOUT HELP - and still, when I asked my bf to help move the furniture, his reply was a link to this article. *sigh*
(119 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
October 15th, 2009 at 10:14 am
the only places girls need to move is from the kitchen to the bedroom
October 15th, 2009 at 06:25 pm
For fucks sake why didn't you type 'First!'
October 15th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
because hes not a fag. like you.
October 16th, 2009 at 10:21 am
hey, she's allowed to move a vacuum too, you know
November 9th, 2009 at 05:06 pm
I heard that they can also move a hand to your face, because it's obvious that nothing of theirs is moving to your genitals.
November 20th, 2009 at 01:33 pm
Only to feed me a sammitch, then they'd damn well better get back on their knees.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Spot on!
October 15th, 2009 at 10:41 am
So glad I read this. For a week or so now, a very cute girl I went to high school with that I haven't seen in 10 years has been on facebook complaining about moving and if anyone could help. Considering I just helped my best friend move into his own place, I really don't feel like helping her now to. Granted, the thought had crossed my mind numerous times. So yeah, glad I read this now and yes, staircases are not not designed for moving couches.
They can make tv's, computers, monitors, and stereo speakers as small as they want. Until we can fold up our couches (even a futon frame is a pain in the ass), moving is never going to be a pleasant experience.
October 15th, 2009 at 02:39 pm
This shit should have been up 3 months ago when i help me friend moved. EVERYTHING in this post is correct. Dude if you do it just think about this list. Its all true.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Right on, wtf is with the mountains of crap they stash? How the hell can you fit 5 trashbags of shoes in small flat?
October 15th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Dude, you'd be surprised. My current eff. is 300 sq. feet, and I had to store more than half of my library at my parents' house, but I still managed to fit two dozen pairs of shoes into my closet. We're magic that way.
Also, if I didn't collect all of those bookshelves, where would I keep all of my candles and Russian nesting dolls and copies of Cosmo?
October 21st, 2009 at 07:05 pm
Yes, you're oh-so "magic" creatures. Much like the "magical" pack rat, or the "magical" bowerbird.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:14 am
I like this.
October 15th, 2009 at 01:34 pm
I don't.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:18 am
HT - this is spot on!!! Total Win.
Steve (and others) read and heed.
Otherwise, you learn the hard way (as I have). Johnny Mastodon
October 15th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Why do you sign your name at the end?
It says at the top of the comment.
Depy.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
love it
October 15th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Dead on
LoL
October 15th, 2009 at 01:12 pm
I'm Clark Kent, and I approve this message.
October 15th, 2009 at 02:48 pm
I h8 when i help a girl move and then i stop an d suc a man's dick
October 18th, 2009 at 09:41 pm
agreed
October 15th, 2009 at 03:17 pm
HT your coming back.
amazing post, i just realized i fucking hate chicks.
except for their pink taco.
October 15th, 2009 at 06:19 pm
Reminds me of a saying I got from a guy in Iowa:
Q: What's that useless piece of skin around the female private parts called?
A: A woman
October 15th, 2009 at 04:32 pm
For most girls, this is true. Guys are guilty of some of the same things, and in fact I NEVER helped a guy move who had everything packed when the moving crew arrived. I've helped with at least 2 dozen guy moves and I was usually the one throwing last minute things into boxes and grocery/garbage bags and loading them into my car as the van was being loaded.
One of the guys I helped move into his first house wanted us to move a "shelf system" that was made of 2x4 lumber and cinder blocks. As ghetto as it was, I recognized that lumber and cinder blocks can be useful, so I didn't stop them from getting onto the van. But on my way to his new place I stopped off and bought him a respectable living room shelf unit as a housewarming gift. I even assembled it when I got there. We girls aren't all bad.
October 15th, 2009 at 06:20 pm
I think I love you.
October 16th, 2009 at 08:16 am
Are you sure you don't have a ballsac?
But seriously, she's right. My roommate is actually a little better than this. She only does half the shit on here and most of the time is spent fighting with her boyfriend(s).
October 16th, 2009 at 01:11 pm
Are you married? I cook (ok not really but for you i'll learn!)
October 16th, 2009 at 02:58 pm
Sure ya did Thallia... But did you fuck him?
October 26th, 2009 at 09:11 am
Yep, surprisingly there are still some of us out there that aren't that bad. I help close friends and family only: that's it. I don't ask for a guy's help unless it's for advice on a car, or how to fix a pipe.
If I were single, and helping a guy move, I would wonder if the guy has no other guy friends to help.
'Cause really; why?
Why ask a woman to help you move your crap?
Unless it's because you think that you can't organize enough to pack well, or you'll forget to wrap your glasses in paper so they won't break in the move (it takes too long and it's a pain in the ass). In that case, don't own anything made from glass, and pack your boxes any which way; it's not gonna stay organized when you get there anyway. Just like the overnight bag: Pick what few things you need and dump it in.
Seriously. No point. You'll just complain that they are taking too long and that you REALLY don't need any more boxes.
See, guys with packing boxes is like guys with packing groceries in a bag: If you don't need a bag to carry it out, then you skip it.
(Guys figure that all the boxes they get in one trip is according to looking around, assessing what they have, and grabbing them for all those stupid little things, like DVD's.)
Only other clear compensation, and it has to be established from the get-go: CASH. Cold, hard cash. If you can't afford to pay one way, then they expect to be compensated somehow. ;)
October 15th, 2009 at 05:00 pm
Damn skippy I'm worth more than 7 bucks' worth of pizza and beer. It'd take at least 15 bucks' worth of beer to convince me to help you move in the first place.
October 15th, 2009 at 05:35 pm
Been there, so true! Except for the sex part. There were lots of blow jobs involved while moving her across country. :)
October 15th, 2009 at 08:41 pm
BJ should be a given if you help someone move.
October 16th, 2009 at 01:12 pm
uhhhh change someone to chick please....
October 19th, 2009 at 03:13 pm
If i have the balls to ask a guy to help me move then i owe HIS balls a lickin. Men, you are greatly appreciated for these kinds of things, accept nothing less than a bj for moving someone up stairs and a handy j for a 1 story.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:44 am
I require no less than a BJ before I even start to move a female's junk. Consider it a security deposit; I'm getting something outta the blood, sweat, and tears I'll be shedding all day.
All the big stuff (couch, bed, TV, etc.) gets loaded in the back of the truck, so that it comes off last. I drive the truck and I hold onto the keys. Before I get the big heavy stuff off, I want my full sex payment. I won't have the energy afterward.
If she doesn't pay up, I'm gone--with the keys--in the truck--with her stuff. Good luck finding where I left it.
October 15th, 2009 at 05:54 pm
I can fit any couch up any staircase, without destroying my back. Never move it up longways, you will get stuck, upend it. you can then turn it through any staircase, doorway, whatever with a 30 degree turn. Also, take the feet off.
October 16th, 2009 at 06:47 pm
Wait, take whose feet off? Yours or hers?
Also, how does that help anything?
October 15th, 2009 at 06:02 pm
Thallia, you replaced his easy to carry, versatile composite material shelving unit...with a crummy pressure board Target bookshelf that's so heavy and weak it can't support it's own weight, didn't you?
Just more evidence for the file...
October 15th, 2009 at 06:11 pm
Haha, so true
October 16th, 2009 at 04:31 am
Did I say Target? Or even IKEA? I don't think so. F**** off.
October 15th, 2009 at 06:16 pm
You saved my life!
Today, a girl that I know for a while, was complaining about moving (she is going to move by end of this month) and if anyone could help…..
I don't feel like helping her now..
October 15th, 2009 at 06:30 pm
Ha ha, I'm a girl and this is so very true. I even did the same thing a few weeks ago.. Expect, I gave a 2 hour back massage... So I think I paid my dues for the help. =D
October 15th, 2009 at 07:00 pm
"I gave a 2 hour back massage... So I think I paid my dues for the help."
Only if that massage had a happy ending.
October 15th, 2009 at 07:11 pm
by "back massage" i hope you meant "blowjob." if not, get on your knees and start suckin, bitch.
October 16th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
A perfect shining example of the female mindset. 8 hours of moving heavy shit for her, and she thinks that 2 hours of clumsily (in before, "I'm a massage therapist"...right, we all are) beating his back up is a substitute for sex.
October 16th, 2009 at 01:16 pm
no... you you didn't. repeat you did NOT pay your dues.
I guarantee the ENTIRE time you were rubbing his back he was wondering when you were gonna strip. The fact you didn't means you will never get his help again. ever.
don't believe me? ask him to help you move your friend and listen to his excuse then suck his dick and ask again. Got it? Good.
October 15th, 2009 at 06:36 pm
Pretty funny and accurate. I'll admit that I am a horrible judge of the time it takes to do just about everything and that I have way to much crap scattered around my apartment. But I sure as hell can drive my own moving van - even around sharp turns and out of driveways. (And I've never hit anything.)
October 26th, 2009 at 09:59 am
So Liz, even after the article you admit that you do all of this and instead of offering sex you agree to drive the truck? WTF is it really that difficult after reading the article and saying OK, BJ it is. What is the big deal, BJs don't cost you anything.
October 15th, 2009 at 07:29 pm
You had me at "Helping".
October 15th, 2009 at 08:21 pm
Even as a girl who has needed help moving several times, I find this hilarious and 95% true. I'm moving for the 6th time in 6 years, and it's taken this long for me realize how much crap I have. This time, I've been hauling car-loads of all the stuff "smaller than me" every day for two weeks - WITHOUT HELP - and still, when I asked my bf to help move the furniture, his reply was a link to this article. *sigh*
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