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7 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Help a Girl Move

Helping a girl move is like sitting through a screening of Beverly Hills Chihuahua with a clothespin on your ballsack:  it’s completely miserable, it hurts like hell, and you gain absolutely nothing from it.  Most girls have no idea how to move, which is why they’re asking for your help, and if you agree to help them then you’re willingly walking in to the shittiest day of your life.  If you’re not convinced yet, here are 7 specific reasons why you should never help a girl move:
It’s Going to Take Way More Than Two Hours
Girls are terrible at gauging the time it takes to do things.  This is why, if you make the mistake of going somewhere with a girl, you’re always going to be late.  She’s going to tell you that it’ll only take two hours to move her entire apartment.  She’s not deliberately lying to you on purpose. She just can’t tell how long things take to happen.  She has absolutely no idea how long it takes to curl her own hair, let alone load, transport, and unload the entire contents of a one-bedroom apartment.  Try not to be too harsh when you’re telling her that she’s completely bat-shit crazy.
You’re Going To Have To Drive The Moving Truck
One of the most terrible moving-related lies is the old "we can do it in one trip" line.  It doesn’t matter that she rented the biggest f*cking truck that U-Haul had to offer.  That just means that you’re going to have to drive that four-wheeled monstrosity back and forth across town for five hours while she sits in the passenger seat and bitches at you about how you need to be more cautious, because she didn’t get the insurance.  She may even claim that she’ll handle the driving, but the moment it’s time to back out of the driveway or take a sharp corner, it’ll be you behind the wheel for the rest of the day.  Also, you will hit something.  You will.

The Couch Is Not Going To Fit Up The Stairs
We hate referencing the tv show Friends for anything (unless it’s some kind of "What’s more gay?"-type argument) but when it comes to moving couches, they totally nailed it.  Staircase designers go to great lengths to ensure that stairwells are completely unsuitable for the transportation of couches.  That’s like the first thing they teach you in staircase-making school. You may make it up one or two flights of stairs, but this girl that you’re helping doesn’t live on the first or second floor of her new building.  She’s on the seventh floor, which means that your life is going to get about five times more miserable before you can even come back downstairs for the ridiculous collection of bookcases that she’s accumulated.  It’s best to just avoid the situation altogether.  Also, Ross is a pussy.
She Has Way More Shit Than She Thinks She Has
When girls are moving, they assess the amount of crap that they have like a self-conscious dude in a gang bang: they just awkwardly scan the room and consider only the things that are larger than they are.  If you ask a girl right now what she has in her living room, she’ll probably say she has a couch, a tv, and a coffee table.  I guarantee you that that’s about 1/30th of the contents of her living room.  It’s not her fault, and she’s not doing it on purpose.  She’s just not engineered to think about the tons and tons of useless shit she has scattered all over the place, because if she did then she would realize that she should just throw that shit away, and then she wouldn’t have all that junk, and then she wouldn’t be a girl, now would she?
You’re Worth More Than $7 Worth of Pizza and Beer
You’re about to spend an entire day lifting things that are way too heavy for you to be lifting, and you’re going to be doing that for way longer than you should.  You’re probably going to suffer some serious spinal damage, and you’re going to be pissed off the whole time, and the last thing you need is to be drunk while you’re doing that.  You think it’s hard to carry a futon matress when you’re perfectly sober?  Try doing it when you can’t even see straight.
She’s Not Going To Help You At All
When she asks you if you’ll help her move, what she’s really saying is, "Will you pack up all of my belongings, drive me to my new apartment, and then unpack all of that shit while I organize my bathroom medicine cabinet?" If you would answer "No f*cking way" to that question, then you’d better use the same answer for her request for moving help, because while you’re trying to cram her dead grandma’s antique china cabinet into a way-too-small "service" elevator, she’ll be making sure the forks look tidy in the silverware drawer.  That’s right: she’s not even going to use the f*cking 300-pound china cabinet to put the dishes in. In fact, there’s only one good reason to ever help a girl move, and unfortunately we’ve got some bad news for you:
She’s Not Going To Have Sex With You
That’s right: even after you’ve worked your ass off all day to carry every f*cking thing she owns up and down seven flights of stairs, she’s still not going to have sex with you.  Of course, she realizes that’s the possibility of a good post-moving bonerfest is the only reason why you’re helping her, so it’s in her best interest to cultivate the possibility of gratitude sex for the entirety of the ordeal.  Therefore, it will piss you off even more when she explains that she’s really tired from a long day of moving (read: hanging up her clothes in her closet while you tried to avoid being crushed by a credenza) and she just wants to go to sleep.  You will end this day exhausted, pissed off, horny, drunk, and with a f*cked up back problem that’ll take years to fix.  It’s all downhill from there, so just avoid it altogether and don’t ever help a girl move.

122 Responses to "7 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Help a Girl Move"

  1. T says:

    Amen! Bunch of pussies.

  2. Lucky says:

    I helped a girl move once. She packed *everything* into boxes and hired movers for the heavy stuff. My job consisted of taking down the bathroom cabinet, packing the “geeky stuff” (computer, media center, speakers) and reassembling the electronics later. Got laid as soon as the movers left.

    Been dating for over a year now. I’m not letting this one go.

  3. BScalleroutterguy says:

    @ Lucky

    I call bullshit.

  4. BScalleroutterguy says:


    Almost forgot you. Bullshit.

  5. MCA says:

    Go fuck yourselves, homos.

  6. MCA says:

    Great article, Taco men.

  7. Gumby says:

    There is always an exception to the rule. Maybe it was because we only had to move a couch. One trip. Across town. Had another buddy help. He got the pizza and I got the girl. I didn’t go home for 3 days! The couch wasn’t the only thing that got “broken in” in her new apartment.

  8. ME Muhfukka says:

    A perfect shining example of the female mindset. 8 hours of moving heavy shit for her, and she thinks that 2 hours of clumsily (in before, “I’m a massage therapist”…right, we all are) beating his back up is a substitute for sex.

  9. ME Muhfukka says:

    Those same guys would’ve gotten that move done in 15 minutes if they were offered breasts instead of wings.

  10. nano rings says:

    This is the most accuretist list evar on HT. EVER.

  11. ME Muhfukka says:

    I think the word that you’re anally raping with no lube there is “accurate”

  12. Rex says:

    Amen to that, bro. Girls are much more likley to open their legs when you don’t do nice things for them. If you ladies ever wonder why “all men are jerks” this is the reason. Women simply don’t give you the time of day if you’re nice to them.

  13. douchie says:

    Just to point out, this is normally only American women. I ditched my American girlfriend a year ago for a German girl and I am kicking myself in the ass for not doing it sooner. No sense of entitlement, no “I deserve a day off from the nothing I do all day” and other kinds of insanity. American girls are batshit crazy, non-deserving little whores who will fail at life.

  14. douchie says:

    Also, American girls are the only ones who think they deserve praise/rewards for simple shit like taking out the trash or filling the cats food dish. Yeah, thanks for doing that, this one time, even though Ive done it the other 51 weeks of the year. Why don’t I take you out to dinner to reward your job well done?

  15. Toby says:

    Are you married? I cook (ok not really but for you i’ll learn!)

  16. Toby says:

    uhhhh change someone to chick please….

  17. Toby says:

    no… you you didn’t. repeat you did NOT pay your dues.

    I guarantee the ENTIRE time you were rubbing his back he was wondering when you were gonna strip. The fact you didn’t means you will never get his help again. ever.

    don’t believe me? ask him to help you move your friend and listen to his excuse then suck his dick and ask again. Got it? Good.

  18. Toby says:

    Actually he’s already getting those. Try this… tell him your going to ask his friend to help you and see what happens. If you do it in front of him get a little touchy with his friend and his song will change. If it doesn’t… time to start looking for a new BF he’s already looking/found a new GF.

  19. Toby says:

    If you have to ask for it, you might wanna shave the stash and the chin whiskers.

  20. Toby says:

    Yeah total BS. She’s fucking everyone then not just you. Either that or she’s butt-crumb ugly.

  21. I Know Better says:

    Sure ya did Thallia… But did you fuck him?

  22. I Know Better says:

    Ding Ding ding…

    #1-6 are completely tolerable if we can avoid #7 :)

  23. MedLover says:

    Go ahead and date Asian and Euro girls! We don’t want you anyway. American men are selfish, superficial, cheating and mostly obese assholes! I thinks it’s better if Americans avoid dating other Americans. We have a vicious cycle of screwing each other up.

  24. FrankRizzo says:

    Well, there is a difference between “decent human being” and “suckup who obviously wants something from her”. Having said that, I see your point – guys who treat women like shit get laid a whole hell of a lot more than guys who are nice. Of course, if you ever do meet a woman who only responds to abusive treatment from guys (and there are plenty of those running around), ditch her first thing, man, no matter how hot she is. She’s broken and there’s no way you can fix her.

    I think part of it comes from both sexes understanding the meaning of “nice” differently. Guys seem to think it means going out of their way to do stuff for women; I think women think it simply means just don’t be a dick. That’s the only explanation I can come up with for why women say they want “nice guys”, anyway.

  25. FrankRizzo says:

    Sure, help her if you’re already fucking her; that’s kinda the point here. But what you’re suggesting is that guys should help out any random woman who asks for our help moving eighty tons of her shit from one end of town to the other when there’s no hope of getting anything in return?

    I think I know who the real pussy is here. Grow a pair and learn how to say no once in a while.

  26. male shove fist says:


  27. Trev says:

    Wait, take whose feet off? Yours or hers?
    Also, how does that help anything?

  28. Monique says:

    Well then… your boyfriend is either hilarious or an asshole. The worst part is, that you can’t convince boyfriends to help move in exchange for sex because they’re already getting it. Dammit.

    And boys… Yes, we’re horrible at keeping everything. But I do the small moving myself also… As I am not physically able to lift my couch, which is why we call you guys.

    Plus, you all seem to think with your dicks, so it’s not hard to convince you to help us without actually agreeing to fuck you. *teehee*
    Thank god for tits/ass/vag otherwise we’d have to do everything in life ourselves.

  29. Marie says:

    “Thank god for tits/ass/vag otherwise we’d have to do everything in life ourselves.”

    THIS. Also, if anyone is stupid enough to fall for our ploy, then so be it. Not our fault!

  30. Tehkorah says:

    Yep, surprisingly there are still some of us out there that aren’t that bad. I help close friends and family only: that’s it. I don’t ask for a guy’s help unless it’s for advice on a car, or how to fix a pipe.

    If I were single, and helping a guy move, I would wonder if the guy has no other guy friends to help.

    ‘Cause really; why?

    Why ask a woman to help you move your crap?
    Unless it’s because you think that you can’t organize enough to pack well, or you’ll forget to wrap your glasses in paper so they won’t break in the move (it takes too long and it’s a pain in the ass). In that case, don’t own anything made from glass, and pack your boxes any which way; it’s not gonna stay organized when you get there anyway. Just like the overnight bag: Pick what few things you need and dump it in.

    Seriously. No point. You’ll just complain that they are taking too long and that you REALLY don’t need any more boxes.
    See, guys with packing boxes is like guys with packing groceries in a bag: If you don’t need a bag to carry it out, then you skip it.
    (Guys figure that all the boxes they get in one trip is according to looking around, assessing what they have, and grabbing them for all those stupid little things, like DVD’s.)

    Only other clear compensation, and it has to be established from the get-go: CASH. Cold, hard cash. If you can’t afford to pay one way, then they expect to be compensated somehow. ;)

  31. John says:

    So Liz, even after the article you admit that you do all of this and instead of offering sex you agree to drive the truck? WTF is it really that difficult after reading the article and saying OK, BJ it is. What is the big deal, BJs don’t cost you anything.

  32. nefariousG says:

    I require no less than a BJ before I even start to move a female’s junk. Consider it a security deposit; I’m getting something outta the blood, sweat, and tears I’ll be shedding all day.
    All the big stuff (couch, bed, TV, etc.) gets loaded in the back of the truck, so that it comes off last. I drive the truck and I hold onto the keys. Before I get the big heavy stuff off, I want my full sex payment. I won’t have the energy afterward.
    If she doesn’t pay up, I’m gone–with the keys–in the truck–with her stuff. Good luck finding where I left it.

  33. Andrew Bukkake says:

    I h8 when i help a girl move and then i stop an d suc a man’s dick

  34. Ever, Greatest. says:

    HT your coming back.
    amazing post, i just realized i fucking hate chicks.
    except for their pink taco.

  35. FrankRizzo says:

    I love how some hot chicks think they’re God’s gift and they can get away with anything because they won the genetic lottery. Enjoy it until you turn 30 and gravity takes over, sweetheart.

  36. Thallia says:

    For most girls, this is true. Guys are guilty of some of the same things, and in fact I NEVER helped a guy move who had everything packed when the moving crew arrived. I’ve helped with at least 2 dozen guy moves and I was usually the one throwing last minute things into boxes and grocery/garbage bags and loading them into my car as the van was being loaded.

    One of the guys I helped move into his first house wanted us to move a “shelf system” that was made of 2×4 lumber and cinder blocks. As ghetto as it was, I recognized that lumber and cinder blocks can be useful, so I didn’t stop them from getting onto the van. But on my way to his new place I stopped off and bought him a respectable living room shelf unit as a housewarming gift. I even assembled it when I got there. We girls aren’t all bad.

  37. Frig McCrevasse says:

    Damn skippy I’m worth more than 7 bucks’ worth of pizza and beer. It’d take at least 15 bucks’ worth of beer to convince me to help you move in the first place.

  38. Jay says:

    Been there, so true! Except for the sex part. There were lots of blow jobs involved while moving her across country. :)

  39. drew says:

    I can fit any couch up any staircase, without destroying my back. Never move it up longways, you will get stuck, upend it. you can then turn it through any staircase, doorway, whatever with a 30 degree turn. Also, take the feet off.

  40. Das Man says:

    Amen brother. Go European, go Asian, go early!

  41. Newt says:

    Thallia, you replaced his easy to carry, versatile composite material shelving unit…with a crummy pressure board Target bookshelf that’s so heavy and weak it can’t support it’s own weight, didn’t you?

    Just more evidence for the file…

  42. FrankRizzo says:

    Selfish, superficial, cheating and obese goes for Americans in general, not just the men. Yes, women included. If you’ve had bad luck with guys, I suggest that maybe it’s the person doing the choosing (you) and not that all guys suck that’s the problem here. One of the things I’ve had to learn about women is that what you say you want and what you actually want are two completely different things – you strike me as the type who wouldn’t be attracted to an emotionally healthy guy in the first place, therefore “all men are assholes” to you when really, you keep picking the assholes. Sorry to be so blunt, but if you keep running up against the same set of obstacles, the only common factor is YOU. If you’re only attracted to assholes, it might be time to start making some different decisions.

  43. Camskee says:

    Haha, so true

  44. NT says:

    You saved my life!
    Today, a girl that I know for a while, was complaining about moving (she is going to move by end of this month) and if anyone could help..
    I don’t feel like helping her now..

  45. Chris says:

    Reminds me of a saying I got from a guy in Iowa:

    Q: What’s that useless piece of skin around the female private parts called?

    A: A woman

  46. Roger says:

    I think I love you.

  47. IDGAF says:

    Awwww, are somebody’s boobs all saggy?

  48. Shlee says:

    Ha ha, I’m a girl and this is so very true. I even did the same thing a few weeks ago.. Expect, I gave a 2 hour back massage… So I think I paid my dues for the help. =D

  49. Liz says:

    Pretty funny and accurate. I’ll admit that I am a horrible judge of the time it takes to do just about everything and that I have way to much crap scattered around my apartment. But I sure as hell can drive my own moving van – even around sharp turns and out of driveways. (And I’ve never hit anything.)

  50. HappyEndings says:

    “I gave a 2 hour back massage… So I think I paid my dues for the help.”

    Only if that massage had a happy ending.

  51. shartfelch says:

    by “back massage” i hope you meant “blowjob.” if not, get on your knees and start suckin, bitch.

  52. Brad Pitt says:

    You had me at “Helping”.

  53. girlneeshelpmoving says:

    Even as a girl who has needed help moving several times, I find this hilarious and 95% true. I’m moving for the 6th time in 6 years, and it’s taken this long for me realize how much crap I have. This time, I’ve been hauling car-loads of all the stuff “smaller than me” every day for two weeks – WITHOUT HELP – and still, when I asked my bf to help move the furniture, his reply was a link to this article. *sigh*

  54. yarp says:

    BJ should be a given if you help someone move.

  55. yarp says:

    BJ will help him see things differently

  56. Jamma says:

    I found this post hilarious, even as a walking vagina. I have moved several times in the last few years, and many of these are true for me, and the one’s that aren’t I’ve seen to be true for most other females.

    The last time I moved, it took less than 2 hours. I moved in the middle of the night (because my friend and I were oddly motivated at 2am), and got ALL of my shit across town in two trips with my friends tiny Aveo and one trip with my Intrepid.

    Every time I’ve helped a male move, I’ve ended up doing almost ALL of the packing (“you’re a chick, you’re WAY better at organization than I am!” which may be true, but still sucks) and unpacking (“It would be so nice to have a “woman’s touch” around this place”) and most of the time I don’t even get a happy ending. Dudes are just as bad. Trust me.

  57. Anonymous13 says:

    If you are a girl and need a happy ending, then you got to ask for it.

  58. S.A.S says:

    As long as I’m promised a sloppy BJ, I can move anything, anywhere, anytime.

  59. FrankRizzo says:

    There’s a better, more general lesson to be learned here: fellas, don’t ever do ANYTHING like this for a chick in the hopes that you’ll get sex out of it in return. You won’t. For some reason, the female brain is wired up in such a way that she’s MORE likely to fuck you if you say no. They see compliance as weakness. No, really. I know I’m probably gonna get a bunch of responses from angry chicks telling me how wrong I am, but deep down they know I’m right. Don’t shoot the messenger. I didn’t make the rules, but we all gotta play by them.

    Of course, help a girl move if you’re already fucking her. Assuming you want to continue to do so, of course.

  60. MixMasterFestus says:

    Fun Fact: These rules also apply when helping an effeminate roommate move out of your apartment. Except, with an effeminate roommate, you move him out at all costs and pray he doesn’t offer to give you a blow job…

  61. Thallia says:

    Did I say Target? Or even IKEA? I don’t think so. F**** off.

  62. Ashley says:

    If i have the balls to ask a guy to help me move then i owe HIS balls a lickin. Men, you are greatly appreciated for these kinds of things, accept nothing less than a bj for moving someone up stairs and a handy j for a 1 story.

  63. CJ says:

    Psh. Any time my male friends help me with stuff, I pay them with a whole kitchen full of good food including homemade hot wings.

    I hate girlie girls who make the rest of us look ditsy.

    Incidentally, I’m helping a friend of mine move soon. I wonder if she’ll have sex with me…

  64. Joe Shmoe says:

    Are you sure you don’t have a ballsac?

    But seriously, she’s right. My roommate is actually a little better than this. She only does half the shit on here and most of the time is spent fighting with her boyfriend(s).

  65. xmido says:

    dont ever help a girl, not just moving. i helped a girl finish her project once. i didnt even get a thank you. they think they just deserve this shit. that they r just too good to be true.

  66. Hank says:

    You guys are a bunch of pussies. You should always help a girl move. You’re a f***ng man, grow a spine, then some balls, and help a lady out. I can’t imagine what kind of spunkless, lazy bean counter raised you!

  67. Spark says:

    Oddly enough, last time I helped a girl move, she pretty much defied most of the things. Of course this was DEFINITELY the exception.

    1) It took like only like 1-2 hours since I came for the last batch of stuff only. If I came for the whole process, it would’ve taken like 6 hours.
    2) She borrowed a minivan and she drove it herself.
    3) Barely moved any furniture.
    4) She didn’t have THAT much stuff.
    5) Since I didn’t do THAT much (it was like 5 trips of carrying multiple boxes up to her apartment), it’s not like I was worth more than dinner.
    6) She did carry a few small boxes.
    7) I got laid afterwards. But then again, it had little to do with helping her move and more to do with the fact that she was really horny (naturally, not from the move).

  68. Biff Piston says:

    Melanie your CRAZY! You live in a 300 sf eff and you have 25 pairs of shoes? I own my house and have 5 pairs!

    Perhaps if you lived a little more practical with your footwear, you could live more extravigently in a larger place.

    I know women in western society have this thing with shoes and clothes and each broad is in direct competition with each other and all that bull shit. But if you’d put down the cosmo and stop for one second to think about all the money you’ve spent on things to impress other women (that’s right bitch, guys don’t carry about your new GUCCI bag!)who you’ll end up hateing in three weeks, you may figure out that you’d be able to travel and enjoy yourself alot more.

    Do old women think back about their youth and remember all the shoes and crap they bought to impress each other?

    No wonder they need men to take care of them! How you gonna make 20 and spend 20? Your left with nothing! And living in a 300 sf efficiency braging about how many pairs of shoes you have. It’s like living in the projects and getting a new Caddilac.

    Broads a Worthless, ‘cept when I have a boner…

  69. The shoes says:

    Right on, wtf is with the mountains of crap they stash? How the hell can you fit 5 trashbags of shoes in small flat?

  70. Melanie says:

    Dude, you’d be surprised. My current eff. is 300 sq. feet, and I had to store more than half of my library at my parents’ house, but I still managed to fit two dozen pairs of shoes into my closet. We’re magic that way.
    Also, if I didn’t collect all of those bookshelves, where would I keep all of my candles and Russian nesting dolls and copies of Cosmo?

  71. Tornado of Knives says:

    Yes, you’re oh-so “magic” creatures. Much like the “magical” pack rat, or the “magical” bowerbird.

  72. sumguy says:

    hey, she’s allowed to move a vacuum too, you know

  73. supermanlymangunowner says:

    the only places girls need to move is from the kitchen to the bedroom

  74. Wow. says:

    I heard that they can also move a hand to your face, because it’s obvious that nothing of theirs is moving to your genitals.

  75. Noname says:

    And the only place you need to move is from the couch to an English classroom.

  76. Jack says:

    Only to feed me a sammitch, then they’d damn well better get back on their knees.

  77. finally says:

    For fucks sake why didn’t you type ‘First!’

  78. master shake says:

    because hes not a fag. like you.

  79. 8=D says:

    this speaks the utter truth

  80. wtf? says:

    um, i’m pretty sure this isnt even funny. this article should be called, “7 reasons why guys are assholes.”
    do you even know all the shit we do for you? of course not, you just assume the house runs smoothly itself. whatever happened to being a kind person and helping? what ever happened to us all being humans and doing for each other what we can? 8 hours moving? what about 9 months where your mom carried you or your wife carried your baby? childbirth? hello?
    and all this bj talk? if we are only sexual objects to you well then you are going to have a long lonely life asshole. at best you’ll get a poor girl with low self esteem….god knows i wouldnt give you the time of day.

  81. FrankRizzo says:

    Jesus honey – take a chill pill, count to ten, and maybe consider getting some therapy for the misplaced bitterness and overblown rage you just displayed with that comment. Childbirth? Where did that come from, and what does it have to do with helping someone move? What we’re trying to establish here is that SOME women manipulate guys with their looks to get them to do stuff (yes, like moving all their shit across town) and then never talk to them again. And some guys are naive enough to fall for it. These are the guys who need to learn that doing something for a girl in the hopes that they’ll get sex out of it never works.

    Guys like blowjobs, but getting one requires different behavior than kissing her ass like every other schmuck out there. All men want sex, but helping her move isn’t going to get it. That’s the point here.

  82. val says:

    FYI – if you don’t help your friends/neighbors move, they won’t help you move when the time comes!

  83. TaniaZ says:

    This article is funny, but you guys commenting are just gross. A girl only owes sex to a guy who helps her move if he is her boyfriend! Or do you like the idea that your girlfriend, wife, or sister had to “pay” a guy with sex every time she needed help with a move? And what if she has a few guy friends help her out? Does she have to do them all? NOOOOO thanks.

  84. Ertdfg says:

    I like moving every couple of years… its a good chance to clear out crap.

    All items go through the decision… size + weight vs. usefulness.

    About half my stuff fails to make the move every time I do this.

    And, its easier than cleaning.

  85. Ms.Vito says:

    Funny Shit!!!!Ijust found this site.LoLMFKS!

  86. Coward Huge says:

    Just wait until you’ve married one of them. She will make you buy all the crap first, then move it yourself because she wants to save the cost of a moving company so she can buy more crap (i.e. more large pieces of furniture) to store the rest of her crap. Before I got married I could move in one trip with my S-10 Blazer. Now, it’s two trips with U-Haul’s largest rig.

  87. FrankRizzo says:

    No one said anything about owing sex to the guy who helps you move. What we’re saying is that too many guys help girls in the hope that they’ll get sex out of it in return, which of course never happens. Guys need to stop being “nice” in the hope of getting something in return and girls need to stop manipulating guys with their looks under the (false) belief that “if he’s dumb enough to fall for it then it’s ok for me to do it”. This is what at least some of us are trying to stop from happening in the future.

    Oh, and you don’t even owe sex to your boyfriend if he helps you move. I’d hate to be half of a couple where I had to bribe my girlfriend into fucking me, no thanks.

  88. FrankRizzo says:

    Nice guys only finish first with women who are psychological train wrecks; i.e., they’ve been abused by men for so long that the only kind of dude they trust themselves with is one who has no balls and will never stand up to her. Ask any chick you know how sexy she thinks a guy like this is. I’m not saying this is you – obviously this guy was your ex-boyfriend so you were attracted to him for some other reason in the first place. And no, not all women are users. But I know a lot of guys have done something in the hope that they’ll get sex out of it afterward, only to find out that she was manipulating them. Guys need to understand what it means to have balls and say “no” to a woman even if she is hot. Until he figures that out, no way a woman will ever respect him enough to sleep with him.

  89. Patrick says:

    Great article. You might want add a point to illustrate the unlikelihood of the girl returning your favor.

  90. ribbed says:

    this is fucking exactly right on. what’s worse then one girl is helping 5 girls move all their shit, and you think your probability of sex in the future with one of these sluts is possible – not from moving. not even a little tug job. nope. it literally gains no value because the whole time your helping, and thinking she must think I’m swell, she is in her room arranging how she wants to hang the matching mirrors in her room. at the end of the day your pissed off, end up having no gas, a hurt back, swamp ass, and your entire saturday gone. I went through this scenario for some girls that go to my college and at the end of the day I got two hits off a bowl with shitty weed – the whole time they assured me they’d ‘smoke me out fur shurrr’. fucking women.

  91. ribbed says:

    and I’d like to add 2 weeks later I moved in to a new apartment on a Saturday and when asked if they would help, they went to the beach. but don’t worry chicks, no guy would ever really complain about all this shit. except on this website – that’s okay and a good place to vent. no one likes a complainer and a guy complaining around anyone deserves to be punched in the balls. so chins up women, you can go about your day still thinking everything is swell, and your moving buddy is ‘sooo nice’ and doesn’t want to strangle you while in bondage doggy style on his bed after you made him dinner naked in his kitchen all day.

  92. TaniaZ says:

    P.S. A REAL HAPPY ENDING TO A MOVING STORY-The last time I moved, I DID ask an ex-boyfriend to help me out. BUT, I had all boxes packed beforehand, AND I had hired professional movers to move the furniture, SO my ex only had to help me move boxes (no heavy stuff), AND the move was literally two blocks from my old apartment to my new one, AND, yes, I did have sex with him at the end of the day, AS WELL as getting back together as a couple. Nice guys do finish first, and not all women are users.

  93. Holly says:

    I’m a girl, and I think this was pretty fucking hilarious. Honestly, if I ever move (which is RARE for me, thankfully)… I do help as much as I possibly can with moving large items. But the truth is, even though I’m in shape and even though I put all I have into it… it’s never going to be as much as a man who’s in shape. So even though some of us try, it might not seem like it when you’re on the other end. Also, when I’ve moved it has been a boyfriend helping… so it’s kind of an obligation… and there is sex at the after party. Lol…

  94. annooooooooooonnnimus says:


  95. AnonyMiss says:

    It’s pretty personal to ask strangers or even friends to help you move. After all, it’s my private things and personal space and I would not want just anyone coming to my home. Plus, I just bought a 3 level townhome – no way can I handle it alone.

    This week I am paying $391($89per hr avg)for 3hrs service with a 3 man crew. No guilt over sending them home afterwards with enough money for pizza and beer for a tip. :>

  96. AnonyMiss says:

    Girls are icky and dumb. They can’t drive, think, organize, lift, or shut up. Man I’m glad I have a penis.

  97. redneck haw haw haw says:

    that truck has 6 wheels

  98. Gam3r says:

    Hank, Hank, Hank I am shacking my head side to side, but you can’t see that. Calm down tough guy, you don’t have to try so hard to get laid. Well, you probably do, but the rest of us don’t. I hate the South!

  99. Anonyman says:

    I was stupid enough to spend my early life as the “nice guy” and yeah, I did break my back to make girls happy for nothing more than a smile and a pat on the (aching) back.

    Girls: If a guy shows up and works his ass off for you, he’s doing it in hopes of sex. If you accept his help without intending to deliver in kind, you’re fucking with him.

    This list is absolutely true – but it’s all worth it if the girl delivers.

  100. FrankRizzo says:

    Yea man I feel you, I think most of us have been there at one point in our (early) lives. Mom teaches us to be nice and respectful to women, but she leaves out the part that we’re only supposed to be nice and respectful to Mom. Girls we want to get naked with are a different story altogether.

    Sounds like you figured it out though and congrats for that. Hot chicks (especially American women, as someone else on here pointed out) are so used to having their way all the time that they almost never even think that a guy will turn them down. Try saying no to one of these chicks and see what happens.

  101. AWomanObviously says:

    This sits on the line between funny and “I am a sad, woman-hating pasty white boy with a tiny dick who has no idea how to come on to a woman with any sort of brains or real-world survival skills.”

    I mean, really. The idea of humor is to make harsh, /truthful/ observations.

  102. guy says:

    and is this not a harsh and truthful observation?
    seems that way to me anyway, and i could retort on your insult and attempt of a joke
    (?) but my mom taught me to be nice to women, even if they can be painfully ignorant

  103. AWomanObviously says:

    Yes, it’s a harsh observation. I’m not being paid to write for an audience.

    Almost always I find stuff like this uproarously funny. I’m a Halo-playing, computer-building nerd, so an averange American dumb prissy bitch being ripped a new one in an article is usually gasp-and-tear inducingly hilarious.

    This article just makes me sick to my stomach, really. I tried to find the humor, I really did, but all I get out of this is that the author might need some outside help in learning how to observe a female and distinguish between a manipulative bitch and a genuine, decent article.

  104. FrankRizzo says:

    A lot of the articles here have that kind of vibe to them. I think this one is different in that it touches on a subject that a LOT of guys have trouble with (or have had trouble with in the past), which is doing “nice” things for girls in the hope that they’ll get sex in return. I’m including myself in that group – when I was younger I was the same way until I woke up and learned how to say no. But a lot of guys don’t know any other way to be; they just keep beating their heads against a wall being “nice” to girls until either frustration and bitterness sets in or they just marry the first girl who sticks around long enough. Not their fault, really – they just don’t know any better and neither did I for the longest time. I think the intention of most of the guys here is to help other guys learn the difference, as you put it, between a genuine decent woman and one who’s just trying to manipulate them with her looks.

  105. Anonymousblah says:

    Spot on!

  106. Steve says:

    So glad I read this. For a week or so now, a very cute girl I went to high school with that I haven’t seen in 10 years has been on facebook complaining about moving and if anyone could help. Considering I just helped my best friend move into his own place, I really don’t feel like helping her now to. Granted, the thought had crossed my mind numerous times. So yeah, glad I read this now and yes, staircases are not not designed for moving couches.

    They can make tv’s, computers, monitors, and stereo speakers as small as they want. Until we can fold up our couches (even a futon frame is a pain in the ass), moving is never going to be a pleasant experience.

  107. Reply says:

    This shit should have been up 3 months ago when i help me friend moved. EVERYTHING in this post is correct. Dude if you do it just think about this list. Its all true.

  108. Tony BROmo says:

    I like this.

  109. Stick says:

    I don’t.

  110. Johnnny Mastodon says:

    HT – this is spot on!!! Total Win.
    Steve (and others) read and heed.
    Otherwise, you learn the hard way (as I have). Johnny Mastodon

  111. Depy says:

    Why do you sign your name at the end?
    It says at the top of the comment.


  112. Tehkorah says:

    You know, for as much as any one person’s opinion is worth, Frank here has a point. All of these conversations seem to hit at the fact that men are linear thinkers: Point A to Point B to Point C; hopefully, just Point A to Point B.

    Point A: Go help her move all her crap.
    Point B: Go get laid.
    Point C: Eat something and maybe have a beer (or whatever).

    Simple. Plain. Easy. That’s it. So ladies, suck it up.
    If a woman–who is unattached and flirty and cute–asks a guy to move, that’s what he will be expecting. So why think that he WON’T be pissed off if he doesn’t? Is it really that much for a guy to ask for? After a whole day of lugging furniture, and probably the washer AND dryer, and 25 large boxes of “miscellaneous stuff” AND the old china cabinet that was never used for anything but to show off AND AND AND….

    I mean, really? Is it?
    (and guys, if she isn’t single, don’t be a prick and expect something–in which case, this information would not apply; that’s a WHOLE other beast)

    No, no, now ladies: don’t overthink it. THAT’S IT. Period.
    If you want to complain that these guys are just setting themselves up for failure in a relationship, because they can’t help with a simple thing like this and blah blah blah, then fine. Whatever. You, my dear, are going to think illogically and therefore, will not listen to reason. So move on. Find some other article.

    Guys, just pick and choose. If it’s your girlfriend and you don’t wanna, then at least call the movers for her. And women, especially in America, don’t bother asking unless you’re willing.

    One last thought: Guys, don’t try to fool yourselves into thinking that some women from other countries wouldn’t try to take AS MUCH advantage of you as American women– because they will. ALL women know a sucker when they see one.

    Yes, I talk alot but I am a woman. When I moved, I didn’t ask a single guy friend to help, because I am married. Food? Beer? F- all that. No point. When I packed all my crap, after I threw anything I didn’t need RIGHT THEN out, I helped pack the truck. It was heavy as hell, my back hurt for weeks (not days) and I still gave him one hell of a BJ when we were done. But then again, I am married and he LOOOOVES me. Can you blame him? :D

  113. your kidding right? says:

    What ever happened to helping people because they need help and its the right thing to do? Women need help moving because they are usually not strong enough to do it alone. All you men who are commenting on this seem so bitter about spending your precious time helping out someone without getting anything in return, I assume that you are all single narcissists angry that the world doesn’t offer you more sex and praise your very existence. A person who only thinks about what they are gonna get out of everything contributes nothing to society and is a waste of human life. So before you start thinking about what you deserve for precious time keep in mind that the time of selfish assholes is worth nothing and you don’t deserve to get laid with that attitude.

  114. FrankRizzo says:

    I think you’re missing the point, my friend. Doing something for someone else who isn’t a close friend without getting anything in return is a bad deal for you; she wins and you lose big time. Also, some girls will use their looks to manipulate guys into doing what they want/need and then never talk to you again. A couple girls on here have already admitted to doing so. The point isn’t that you should be selfish, the point is that you shouldn’t be a schmuck. Like the post below says, unless she’s a close friend, don’t do it. Chances are she’s trying to manipulate you. If you fall for it, it’s on you, and that’s what we’re trying to help guys avoid.

  115. Neon says:

    love it

  116. Anonymously2241 says:

    Dead on

  117. Clark Kent says:

    I’m Clark Kent, and I approve this message.

  118. Lawrenceof Arabia says:

    I think there was a Bill Simmons article where he talked about helping your buddies move, and he was dead on that it’s one of the biggest favors that can be ever be asked from one friend to another. It’s almost a sacred request. So it’s fucking ridiculous some girl thinks she can just somehow get such a momentousness thing done for her and think all she has to do in return is a pat on the back. It’s just going to feed her mindset she can get always something without doing jack squat. Unless she’s one of your best friends, DON’T DO IT.

  119. FrankRizzo says:

    I remember that article, and yes, helping someone move IS one of the biggest favors that can be asked from a friend. The important word there is “friend”, because a friend is the only person you should ever even consider helping doing something as monumental as moving. As a couple of the women on here have already pointed out, it’s easy to get almost any guy to do anything for a hot woman because most of us think with our dicks. Chances are, she has at least one guy she’s fucking right now who could help her (but he’s already turned her down, seeing as the reason he’s fucking her in the first place is that he’s not a wussy pushover) so she’s moved on to asking her “second-tier” guys (the ones who she doesn’t think are quite sexy enough to get naked with) for help. That’s right fellas – if she’s hot and she asks you to help her move, it’s because you’re her SECOND CHOICE. Don’t fall for that shit. If you’re not already fucking her, helping her move isn’t going to change that.

  120. Kurt Evans says:

    Point well taken. It’s definitely not worth all the trouble.

  121. Fo the City says:

    I don’t help women do anything. They’re all fucking lazy