If you're a Jew or a Mexican girl, there's a specific day where you officially become an adult. For everyone else, becoming a grown-up is a gradual process, and most of the time you don't realize that you've become an adult until it's too late. So, for everyone who doesn't get to have one of those awesome "you're a grown-up now" parties, we've created this helpful list of 7 Signs That You're an Adult.
1. You Pay for Things that You Can't Hold in Your Hand
As a child, commerce is simple: you give the ice cream man a handful of change, and you receive a Ninja Turtle popsicle with gumball eyes. You can hold it in your hand. You can taste it. You can compare the position of the gumball eyes on the actual popsicle to the position that they're supposed to be in, according to the picture on the wrapper, which you can also hold in your hand. Even after the popsicle is gun, while you're chewing on the rock-hard gumball eyes, you can hold the sticky popsicle stick, the proof that you received something tangible in exchange for your money. As an adult, most of the things you pay for are seemingly unquantifiable. I've never held health insurance in my hand, nor have I ever proudly displayed my newly-purchased Account Maintenance to my friends, even though I pay two dollars for one every month. I don't even know what a night/weekend minute looks like, but I've purchased hundreds of them as an adult.
2. You Feel the Emotion "Shame"
When you're a kid and you shit your pants, you feel embarrassed, but when you're an adult and you shit your pants, you feel shame. Shame means that you've done something that there's absolutely no excuse for, and kids have an excuse for everything, in that they're kids. They're like David Lynch films: nobody expects them to make any sense, and sometimes they applaud them for actively not doing so. You may ask what the difference is between embarrassment and shame, so here's a helpful gauge: If you're unable to get an erection because of something that you've done, that there, that's shame.
3. People Don't Think It's Cute When You F*ck Up
When I was a kid, my mom kept a bag of Skittles on top of a bookshelf in the livingroom. One day, I decided to climb the bookshelf and get to the Skittles. Predictably, the bookshelf couldn't handle the weight of even my tiny body, and it promptly toppled over. I had just enough time to leap to safety before it crashed to the floor, spilling books and Skittles everywhere. I wasn't in it for the books, so I quickly gathered up handfuls of Skittles and started cramming them into my mouth. My parents rushed in shortly after and, seeing that nothing was broken and I wasn't injured, they giggled at my daring behavior, and took plenty of pictures of me sitting in the wreckage of the toppled bookshelf with mouthfuls of skittles before they cut me off and put the shelf back in its place. My boss has some Girl Scout Cookies on top of his bookshelf in his office, bt if I tried to pull that shit now, I'd be fired immediately.
4. You Stop Receiving Hand-Written Mail
Whenever you receive a hand-written letter as an adult, it's usually followed by the phrase "shake it to see if it has any strange powder in it or something." Plus, as a kid, mail is a lot like a hooker's vagina: it probably won't be opened unless there's cash involved. There are only two reasons to send hand-written letters: to make you feel special, or to let you know you're a f*cking asshole for parking your car in an inconvenient manner. And 95% of the time, your grandma is referring to the latter.
5. You Have to Wake Yourself Up On Time
Moms are Nature's alarm clock. In fact, they're way better than a man-made alarm clock that just drones on at the same tone periodically and annoys you into consciousness. A mom's tone will change dramatically the third or fourth time she comes in to wake you up for school. Sometimes she'll shake you, or even throw objects or liquids on you to get you out of bed. Sure, it's annoying, but it works. As an adult, your man-made alarm clock is the only hope you have of getting to work on time. After several months with the same alarm clock, you'll start to become immune to its sound, and you'll begin to incorporate the droning beeps into your dreams, so that it's easier to ignore. Like, you'll be having a dream where you're having awesome sex with Marisa Miller, and suddenly there will be a beeping in the distance. Marisa will be like, "Do you hear that beeping? It sounds like your alarm clock," and you'll be like, "Nah, it's just a garbage truck backing up outside," and then she'll be like, "oh, okay, let's just keep having awesome sex then." Ultimately, it takes a great amount of will-power to get yourself out of that dream and off to work, and that just sucks.
6. You Choose to Wear Sweaters
When you're a kid, wearing a sweater is like staying sober at your girlfriend's family Christmas party: it's incredibly uncomfortable and torturous, but ultimately it makes you much more presentable to the people around you. A kid would never willingly leave the house in a sweater, and even if your parents made you wear it to school, you'd have it off and in your backpack as soon as you rounded the corner on the way to the bus stop, no matter how cold it was outside. As adults, we've realized the benefits of a sweater: it hides unsightly coffee stains on an otherwise perfectly presentable shirt, and it also helps to conceal the awkward love-handles and other inexplicable bulges that come about as a result of age. To many adults, a sweater can be your greatest ally, just as long as it's not the exact same sweater that you were forced into as a child.
7. You Worry About Not Getting a Boner
When you're a kid, boners are like Starbucks: they can pop up anywhere, at any time, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Just like an avalanche, they can be caused by something as small as a slight gust of wind. As a child, you live in constant fear of the boner. When you become an adult, boners become like that friend you had in college that you went out on a limb for and got a job at your office: you just have to hope that they show up when they're supposed to and do an adequate job, because otherwise you're going to look really, really bad.
How about this, you start a website and fill it full of articles you find funny and/or interesting. Ill be sure not to visit it cause your a prick. Holy taco is constantly updating the site with good material, just charming stuff, and for a shit mouthed troll like you should keep your comments to "man, that was the shortest one yet", when you masterbate.
Quit taking yourself so seriously, really think about it, because you need too.
This article is starting that slippery slope of making this site 'The View' for men. Don't want the Holy Taco to be a site where we can all talk about how our wives suck, our emotions and self loathe. More: Three First Date DOs and DON'Ts and less: self loathing bullshit that people like 'LORD BATE' apparently go nuts for. I like this site for what it is, hot ass women, vanity humor, and booze. Just trying to keep the Holy Taco holy one hole at a time...
The first date dos and don'ts, i'm not sure if you watched it, but i'm pretty sure we made two rape jokes, one anal sex joke, and a hooker joke in about 2 minutes of video. I stand by our product.
William Jenkins is gay. Great article. Perfectly relevant to the way i feel. Sucks to be an adult... but atleast as adults we can buy hookers so i guess that makes up for all the other bullshit.
Well, if it isn't David fucking Esterly. Long time no calls. Did someone say "premature ejaculation?" Someone did, and it was every girl you've slept with.
no doubt that justin esterly has ejaculated quicker than a man fresh from a jail sentence. his balls are like hi-c cartons something is gonna leak out QUICK what a loser
Victim stated that he was riding his bike when 2 males walked out from behind a parked white van and hit him in his face with a dark log. Victim stated that he did not get a look at the 2 males and no words were said. Victim stated that he has no idea why he got hit. Victim had a small cut under his eye and refused medics
That's me in the sweater! Ha, I loved our UGLY SWEATER party that night - I had a weird feeling some pics would spread the internet > Mission Accomplished!
original picture at taylorwehrle.blogspot.com
"to the ugly sweater people, I became an ugly sweater person, I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some." - 1 Cor. 9:20-23
(100 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
June 10th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Should have called it : '7 Signs Holy Taco is getting lame'
June 10th, 2009 at 11:27 am
What the hell are you expecting? Yeesh. It's funny.
If you have a problem with it, why don't you write something yourself? Here: I'm open. Give me your best shot.
June 10th, 2009 at 02:47 pm
You're open? His best shot? Will there be cash involved?
June 10th, 2009 at 07:57 pm
PEEEEEEEEEENIS
June 18th, 2009 at 07:44 pm
Now is the winter of your discount tent
June 10th, 2009 at 11:32 am
How about this, you start a website and fill it full of articles you find funny and/or interesting. Ill be sure not to visit it cause your a prick. Holy taco is constantly updating the site with good material, just charming stuff, and for a shit mouthed troll like you should keep your comments to "man, that was the shortest one yet", when you masterbate.
June 10th, 2009 at 01:53 pm
fuckin owned
June 10th, 2009 at 02:11 pm
Quit taking yourself so seriously, really think about it, because you need too.
This article is starting that slippery slope of making this site 'The View' for men. Don't want the Holy Taco to be a site where we can all talk about how our wives suck, our emotions and self loathe. More: Three First Date DOs and DON'Ts and less: self loathing bullshit that people like 'LORD BATE' apparently go nuts for. I like this site for what it is, hot ass women, vanity humor, and booze. Just trying to keep the Holy Taco holy one hole at a time...
June 10th, 2009 at 04:25 pm
The first date dos and don'ts, i'm not sure if you watched it, but i'm pretty sure we made two rape jokes, one anal sex joke, and a hooker joke in about 2 minutes of video. I stand by our product.
June 11th, 2009 at 08:56 am
your mom goes nuts for my nut sack
June 10th, 2009 at 11:34 am
As long as their is one solidly memorable one-liner in each new list I'm happy. For this one it was
"Plus, as a kid, mail is a lot like a hooker's vagina: it probably won't be opened unless there's cash involved."
June 10th, 2009 at 11:36 am
William Jenkins is gay. Great article. Perfectly relevant to the way i feel. Sucks to be an adult... but atleast as adults we can buy hookers so i guess that makes up for all the other bullshit.
June 10th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Last time i checked there was no rejuired age to buy a hooker. I'm pretty sure they are illegal no matter how old you are.
June 10th, 2009 at 04:17 pm
You just blew my mind
June 10th, 2009 at 04:49 pm
Not only that - the thrill of alcohol takes a bit of a dive. Probably all the sneakin about that adds to it.
--
Watch TV Online
June 10th, 2009 at 08:15 pm
your mom just blew my cock
June 10th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
mmm twatwaffles.
June 10th, 2009 at 11:52 am
So girls never grow up to be adults...?
June 10th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
What the hell are you talking about, girls aren't people.
June 10th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
We didn't think that any girls actually read our site, but we put the picture of the woman waking up in there just in case.
June 10th, 2009 at 01:37 pm
yep we do ;) it's fucking funny
June 10th, 2009 at 02:48 pm
Well, I think many girls secretly read your site.
We like bikini babes as well! There is a sexist side in everyone of us :D
No really. I enjoy the dry and in-your-face humor this site has to offer quite a lot! Grrarrrr.
June 11th, 2009 at 02:44 pm
lol yeah we do, ive been following your site for a cpl months now
love ur guys sense of humor
June 10th, 2009 at 06:40 pm
I sure as hell didn't.
June 10th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
i have swamp ass
June 10th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
nice justin, I'd recognize that boner anywhere.
June 10th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Well, if it isn't David fucking Esterly. Long time no calls. Did someone say "premature ejaculation?" Someone did, and it was every girl you've slept with.
June 10th, 2009 at 09:57 pm
no doubt that justin esterly has ejaculated quicker than a man fresh from a jail sentence. his balls are like hi-c cartons something is gonna leak out QUICK what a loser
June 10th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
i read your site and i´m a girl, and not a fat one, it´s funny.
June 10th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
susie...are you ugly?
June 10th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
the analogy of adult boners to friends from college is fucking hilarious. well done
June 10th, 2009 at 02:05 pm
Way to bring it back with the Ninja Turle popsicles....holy nostalgia.
June 10th, 2009 at 03:54 pm
You know you're old when you have dry dreams and wet farts...
June 10th, 2009 at 06:46 pm
You sir, win one internet for that.
June 10th, 2009 at 07:55 pm
I gotta admit, I have a newfound respect for you after that. Well done, son, well done.
June 10th, 2009 at 04:33 pm
Doing drugs as an adult is pretty awesome....but then again I suppose you could do those as kids too.
June 10th, 2009 at 07:48 pm
It sucks being OLD. I see EMO/SCENE GIRLS and go, "Why weren't they around when I was young!?"
All we had in my days were HAIRY-ASS hippie girls who would blow you for a puff of weed.
June 12th, 2009 at 03:43 am
Emo girls are the same, but with eyeliner and crazy-stalker tendencies.
June 10th, 2009 at 09:56 pm
Victim stated that he was riding his bike when 2 males walked out from behind a parked white van and hit him in his face with a dark log. Victim stated that he did not get a look at the 2 males and no words were said. Victim stated that he has no idea why he got hit. Victim had a small cut under his eye and refused medics
www.craziestpolicereports.com
June 11th, 2009 at 04:00 am
I always thought it was when you find yourself at the Home Depot buying bags of top soil or potting soil.
Once you are paying money for dirt, you are an adult. Any sensible non-adult realizes there is free dirt all over the place.
June 11th, 2009 at 06:28 am
thats good
June 11th, 2009 at 06:35 am
You get 10 out of 10, On that one my friend!!!!
August 9th, 2009 at 03:26 pm
For "that's good"?!? Big fuckin deal.
June 11th, 2009 at 06:09 am
You're an adult when you drop your cellphone in the toilet and realize you can't call Mom or Dad for help getting it out.
June 11th, 2009 at 06:26 am
LOL, aint it the truth! ROTFL
RT
www.privacy-tools.echoz.com
June 11th, 2009 at 06:34 am
No one should ever purchase a night/weekend minute. They should always be free!
June 11th, 2009 at 06:59 am
lol.... good ! idea www.o-oh.net
June 11th, 2009 at 07:06 am
Check this out too...
electronic cigarette Tobacco companies are trying to keep it shush shush....
June 11th, 2009 at 07:10 am
Really funny post. Nothing like a good laugh to bring you back to reality and back to work
June 11th, 2009 at 07:16 am
That's me in the sweater! Ha, I loved our UGLY SWEATER party that night - I had a weird feeling some pics would spread the internet > Mission Accomplished!
original picture at taylorwehrle.blogspot.com
"to the ugly sweater people, I became an ugly sweater person, I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some." - 1 Cor. 9:20-23
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