If you’re a Jew or a Mexican girl, there’s a specific day where you officially become an adult. For everyone else, becoming a grown-up is a gradual process, and most of the time you don’t realize that you’ve become an adult until it’s too late. So, for everyone who doesn’t get to have one of those awesome "you’re a grown-up now" parties, we’ve created this helpful list of 7 Signs That You’re an Adult.
1. You Pay for Things that You Can’t Hold in Your Hand
As a child, commerce is simple: you give the ice cream man a handful of change, and you receive a Ninja Turtle popsicle with gumball eyes. You can hold it in your hand. You can taste it. You can compare the position of the gumball eyes on the actual popsicle to the position that they’re supposed to be in, according to the picture on the wrapper, which you can also hold in your hand. Even after the popsicle is gun, while you’re chewing on the rock-hard gumball eyes, you can hold the sticky popsicle stick, the proof that you received something tangible in exchange for your money. As an adult, most of the things you pay for are seemingly unquantifiable. I’ve never held health insurance in my hand, nor have I ever proudly displayed my newly-purchased Account Maintenance to my friends, even though I pay two dollars for one every month. I don’t even know what a night/weekend minute looks like, but I’ve purchased hundreds of them as an adult.
2. You Feel the Emotion "Shame"
When you’re a kid and you shit your pants, you feel embarrassed, but when you’re an adult and you shit your pants, you feel shame. Shame means that you’ve done something that there’s absolutely no excuse for, and kids have an excuse for everything, in that they’re kids. They’re like David Lynch films: nobody expects them to make any sense, and sometimes they applaud them for actively not doing so. You may ask what the difference is between embarrassment and shame, so here’s a helpful gauge: If you’re unable to get an erection because of something that you’ve done, that there, that’s shame.
3. People Don’t Think It’s Cute When You F*ck Up
When I was a kid, my mom kept a bag of Skittles on top of a bookshelf in the livingroom. One day, I decided to climb the bookshelf and get to the Skittles. Predictably, the bookshelf couldn’t handle the weight of even my tiny body, and it promptly toppled over. I had just enough time to leap to safety before it crashed to the floor, spilling books and Skittles everywhere. I wasn’t in it for the books, so I quickly gathered up handfuls of Skittles and started cramming them into my mouth. My parents rushed in shortly after and, seeing that nothing was broken and I wasn’t injured, they giggled at my daring behavior, and took plenty of pictures of me sitting in the wreckage of the toppled bookshelf with mouthfuls of skittles before they cut me off and put the shelf back in its place. My boss has some Girl Scout Cookies on top of his bookshelf in his office, bt if I tried to pull that shit now, I’d be fired immediately.
4. You Stop Receiving Hand-Written Mail
Whenever you receive a hand-written letter as an adult, it’s usually followed by the phrase "shake it to see if it has any strange powder in it or something." Plus, as a kid, mail is a lot like a hooker’s vagina: it probably won’t be opened unless there’s cash involved. There are only two reasons to send hand-written letters: to make you feel special, or to let you know you’re a f*cking asshole for parking your car in an inconvenient manner. And 95% of the time, your grandma is referring to the latter.
5. You Have to Wake Yourself Up On Time
Moms are Nature’s alarm clock. In fact, they’re way better than a man-made alarm clock that just drones on at the same tone periodically and annoys you into consciousness. A mom’s tone will change dramatically the third or fourth time she comes in to wake you up for school. Sometimes she’ll shake you, or even throw objects or liquids on you to get you out of bed. Sure, it’s annoying, but it works. As an adult, your man-made alarm clock is the only hope you have of getting to work on time. After several months with the same alarm clock, you’ll start to become immune to its sound, and you’ll begin to incorporate the droning beeps into your dreams, so that it’s easier to ignore. Like, you’ll be having a dream where you’re having awesome sex with Marisa Miller, and suddenly there will be a beeping in the distance. Marisa will be like, "Do you hear that beeping? It sounds like your alarm clock," and you’ll be like, "Nah, it’s just a garbage truck backing up outside," and then she’ll be like, "oh, okay, let’s just keep having awesome sex then." Ultimately, it takes a great amount of will-power to get yourself out of that dream and off to work, and that just sucks.
6. You Choose to Wear Sweaters
When you’re a kid, wearing a sweater is like staying sober at your girlfriend’s family Christmas party: it’s incredibly uncomfortable and torturous, but ultimately it makes you much more presentable to the people around you. A kid would never willingly leave the house in a sweater, and even if your parents made you wear it to school, you’d have it off and in your backpack as soon as you rounded the corner on the way to the bus stop, no matter how cold it was outside. As adults, we’ve realized the benefits of a sweater: it hides unsightly coffee stains on an otherwise perfectly presentable shirt, and it also helps to conceal the awkward love-handles and other inexplicable bulges that come about as a result of age. To many adults, a sweater can be your greatest ally, just as long as it’s not the exact same sweater that you were forced into as a child.
7. You Worry About Not Getting a Boner
When you’re a kid, boners are like Starbucks: they can pop up anywhere, at any time, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. Just like an avalanche, they can be caused by something as small as a slight gust of wind. As a child, you live in constant fear of the boner. When you become an adult, boners become like that friend you had in college that you went out on a limb for and got a job at your office: you just have to hope that they show up when they’re supposed to and do an adequate job, because otherwise you’re going to look really, really bad.
Courtney Love & Muppet Sexual Assault
Playboy’s Big Dance March Madness Bracket Challenge
For “that’s good”?!? Big fuckin deal.
You missed the biggest one of all – to be able to take care of your finances. I learnt to manage my personal finance at http://www.moneypersonalfinance.org
As the adults can see, there are some non-adults commenting. Use you grown up words and big words instead of foul words(a sign of low vocabulary skills). Also, learn your tenses. It’s never too late to learn, there’s always room for improvement.
Victim stated that he was riding his bike when 2 males walked out from behind a parked white van and hit him in his face with a dark log. Victim stated that he did not get a look at the 2 males and no words were said. Victim stated that he has no idea why he got hit. Victim had a small cut under his eye and refused medics
http://www.craziestpolicereports.com
You get 10 out of 10, On that one my friend!!!!
You sir, win one internet for that.
lol…. good ! idea http://www.o-oh.net
I always thought it was when you find yourself at the Home Depot buying bags of top soil or potting soil.
Once you are paying money for dirt, you are an adult. Any sensible non-adult realizes there is free dirt all over the place.
You know you’re old when you have dry dreams and wet farts…
It sucks being OLD. I see EMO/SCENE GIRLS and go, “Why weren’t they around when I was young!?”
All we had in my days were HAIRY-ASS hippie girls who would blow you for a puff of weed.
I gotta admit, I have a newfound respect for you after that. Well done, son, well done.
LEARNT?? Hahahahaha what?????
Yeah eat dicks! By the way, are you looking for the freshest and hardest dicks to eat? Just go to http://www.freshhardcocks.com
Way to bring it back with the Ninja Turle popsicles….holy nostalgia.
Doing drugs as an adult is pretty awesome….but then again I suppose you could do those as kids too.
No one should ever purchase a night/weekend minute. They should always be free!
This is absolutely hilarious! Especially the boner one LOL. I’ve done a similar one, but on SNOT – feel free to comment! http://hubpages.com/_blogz/hub/snot – Marco
I thought everyone was over the whole grammar/spelling correction thing. Somebody tell this asshole who misspells his own fucking name.
You’re an adult when you drop your cellphone in the toilet and realize you can’t call Mom or Dad for help getting it out.
LOL, aint it the truth! ROTFL
RT
http://www.privacy-tools.echoz.com
thats good
Check this out too…
electronic cigarette Tobacco companies are trying to keep it shush shush….
Really funny post. Nothing like a good laugh to bring you back to reality and back to work
That’s me in the sweater! Ha, I loved our UGLY SWEATER party that night – I had a weird feeling some pics would spread the internet > Mission Accomplished!
original picture at taylorwehrle.blogspot.com
“to the ugly sweater people, I became an ugly sweater person, I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some.” – 1 Cor. 9:20-23
Shut the fuck up you goddamn spammer.
Additionally: eat dicks.
You’re good.
Just terrible. The first 5 are things that describe either a kid or an adult, and the last 2 are things that still don’t apply to me now that I am an adult.
But the analogies were great. I especially loved the one that started like this: “mail is a lot like a hooker’s vagina”. I had no clue how that one was going to end. And then this: “it probably won’t be opened unless there’s cash involved.” So true! Perfectly accurate, and beautiful. You have a way with words, if not ideas.
To he who wrote this article:
Learn to spell. While you’re at it, learn to use punctuation in a way that doesn’t signify retardation.
Or childhood.
Daryl g is a grammer nazi.
Guy it dont matter if it has correct punctuation or not its about the quality of the article
Learnt = Perfectly legit word.
I checked it out: http://www.askoxford.com/asktheexperts/faq/aboutspelling/learnt
I can’t hardly believe this discussion…juaaaa juaaaaa juua
you made my afternoon
hugs fron southamerica
Wow I just went to the site you posted here, and boy the advice they give is priceless. I bought myself the ebook and its well worth the money!! I am finally on my way to getting rid of my debts!! Thank you!
Shut the hell up Daryl G. This article was funny, only took a minute at the most out of your miserable life and added some pretty entertaining and rewarding laughter into it.
Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/thecrypticone
Oh really? Someone who wrote “to he” expects people to learn grammar?
funny jrzygrl telling people to grown up words and yet she said “you” instead of “your” when she typed: Use you grown up words.
I hate people who tell people on the web to use correct spelling, punctuations and the like and yet they have text shorten screen names or don’t spell words correctly themselves. Happens all the time.
thanks for comin out.
Yeah, but the point is that a large part of what defines the quality of an article is its readability, and usage/spelling/grammar mistakes can distract significantly from that… unless as a reader you have the sort of intelligence level where you can’t tell the difference anyway, in which case for you the internet will be a paradise of “quality” content.
so right about those goddamn ninja turtle gumball eyes.
Er, no. “to he who” is not good grammar in this context.
“[I say this] to him” is the extension of the first part, where “him” is the indirect object. The “who” clause modifies the “to him” clause.
For the same reason, it’s “all things come to him who waits” not “…he who waits”.
Er, sorry, but “to he” is perfectly good grammar in this context. “He” is the subject of the sentence, not the object.
I’m curious to know in what way you thought that was bad grammar.
Oh wait, you’re a complete moron. That explains it.
You should probably look shit up before you go showing everyone your lone brain cell.
Mother of fuck, what is this, moron day at Holy Taco? “Learnt” is a perfectly legitimate word, buy a fucking dictionary.
Emo girls are the same, but with eyeliner and crazy-stalker tendencies.
ahahah anonymous#1 is probably retarded and #2 is very funny !! lol
it sucks getting old….I don;t even like ice cream anymore…
looks like a kid wrote this
No one likes someone who corrects everyone. Get over it. It’s just grammar.
HAHA!!!Lets see how long thischain can last
It “doesn’t” matter
Buzz kill
It’s a verb of learn…OMG!
i’ll bet you a million dolars you triple checked your post before you submitted it
you know what? nobody gives a shit about grammar or spelling anymore. you’re reading an article on a site called holytaco. what does that say about the times? it’s over man, thanks to spellcheck and grammar check and google finishing our sentences for us, as long as the message gets conveyed nobody gives a shit. example; you r a doosh bag. get it?
This chicken a** Anonymous person is a jerk…
fuck ur husband n see his penis if he can control……..,
“…list silly things intended to amuse.”
ought to be
“…list OF silly things intended to amuse.”
Only a woman would forget to type ‘of’. Probably distracted by your period.
So, everyone else gets to be a sarcastic asshole except me? How unfortunate. I missed the memo. My apologies. I will never again attempt to be witty in a reply column for a list silly things intended to amuse.
(Incidentally, not that any one cares, but I brought up the ‘penis’ issue because the list clearly says “Adults”, not simply “Adult Males”. I felt a little slighted.)
Shut up women!
What the hell are you talking about, girls aren’t people.
So girls never grow up to be adults…?
I sure as hell didn’t.
Last time i checked there was no rejuired age to buy a hooker. I’m pretty sure they are illegal no matter how old you are.
William Jenkins is gay. Great article. Perfectly relevant to the way i feel. Sucks to be an adult… but atleast as adults we can buy hookers so i guess that makes up for all the other bullshit.
mmm twatwaffles.
susie…are you ugly?
the analogy of adult boners to friends from college is fucking hilarious. well done
Yeah eat dicks! By the way, are you looking for the freshest and hardest dicks to eat?
dizi izle dizi izle diziizle canli dizi
no doubt that justin esterly has ejaculated quicker than a man fresh from a jail sentence. his balls are like hi-c cartons something is gonna leak out QUICK what a loser
i have swamp ass
fuckin owned
Quit taking yourself so seriously, really think about it, because you need too.
This article is starting that slippery slope of making this site ‘The View’ for men. Don’t want the Holy Taco to be a site where we can all talk about how our wives suck, our emotions and self loathe. More: Three First Date DOs and DON’Ts and less: self loathing bullshit that people like ‘LORD BATE’ apparently go nuts for. I like this site for what it is, hot ass women, vanity humor, and booze. Just trying to keep the Holy Taco holy one hole at a time…
your mom goes nuts for my nut sack
yep we do
it’s fucking funny
Well, I think many girls secretly read your site.
We like bikini babes as well! There is a sexist side in everyone of us
No really. I enjoy the dry and in-your-face humor this site has to offer quite a lot! Grrarrrr.
lol yeah we do, ive been following your site for a cpl months now
love ur guys sense of humor
PEEEEEEEEEENIS
You’re open? His best shot? Will there be cash involved?
Now is the winter of your discount tent
Not only that – the thrill of alcohol takes a bit of a dive. Probably all the sneakin about that adds to it.
–
Watch TV Online
You just blew my mind
your mom just blew my cock
As long as their is one solidly memorable one-liner in each new list I’m happy. For this one it was
“Plus, as a kid, mail is a lot like a hooker’s vagina: it probably won’t be opened unless there’s cash involved.”
Should have called it : ’7 Signs Holy Taco is getting lame’
What the hell are you expecting? Yeesh. It’s funny.
If you have a problem with it, why don’t you write something yourself? Here: I’m open. Give me your best shot.
How about this, you start a website and fill it full of articles you find funny and/or interesting. Ill be sure not to visit it cause your a prick. Holy taco is constantly updating the site with good material, just charming stuff, and for a shit mouthed troll like you should keep your comments to “man, that was the shortest one yet”, when you masterbate.
i read your site and i´m a girl, and not a fat one, it´s funny.
nice justin, I’d recognize that boner anywhere.
Haaaa
electronic cigarette
1
2
3
7 Virgin signs
I’m fairly sure I didn’t spend my childhood with a constant fear of The Boner.
I’m also pretty sure I needn’t worry about NOT getting a boner, unless I’m like one of those African frogs who can mutate into the appropriate gender when the other overpopulates the territory (which, admittedly, would be pretty freakin’ sweet).
Silly x chromosomes.
“hey, everybody! look at me, i’m a woman and i have to make it well known to everyone that i have don’t have a penis!”
those silly x chromosomes
you missed the 8th sign that you’re an adult, which is taking off your glasses and moaning about the article your about to read about yourself.
*tisk tisk*
Get on with your lives. Who cares who can spell and who can’t. All of those who are complaining about those who are correcting the grammar, are all the same. HYPOCRITES. Can you not see the resemblance? Oh, shit. I suppose I’m one in the same now too….
hmmm….
Well clearly everyone here is a grown adult, but for the ones who want to (re)freshen their memory on how to become a real man:
http://www.askmen.com/money/mafioso_60/98_mafia.html
question: Where did you get that photo of a boner?
shit!
i love sex