If you're a Jew or a Mexican girl, there's a specific day where you officially become an adult. For everyone else, becoming a grown-up is a gradual process, and most of the time you don't realize that you've become an adult until it's too late. So, for everyone who doesn't get to have one of those awesome "you're a grown-up now" parties, we've created this helpful list of 7 Signs That You're an Adult.
1. You Pay for Things that You Can't Hold in Your Hand
As a child, commerce is simple: you give the ice cream man a handful of change, and you receive a Ninja Turtle popsicle with gumball eyes. You can hold it in your hand. You can taste it. You can compare the position of the gumball eyes on the actual popsicle to the position that they're supposed to be in, according to the picture on the wrapper, which you can also hold in your hand. Even after the popsicle is gun, while you're chewing on the rock-hard gumball eyes, you can hold the sticky popsicle stick, the proof that you received something tangible in exchange for your money. As an adult, most of the things you pay for are seemingly unquantifiable. I've never held health insurance in my hand, nor have I ever proudly displayed my newly-purchased Account Maintenance to my friends, even though I pay two dollars for one every month. I don't even know what a night/weekend minute looks like, but I've purchased hundreds of them as an adult.
2. You Feel the Emotion "Shame"
When you're a kid and you shit your pants, you feel embarrassed, but when you're an adult and you shit your pants, you feel shame. Shame means that you've done something that there's absolutely no excuse for, and kids have an excuse for everything, in that they're kids. They're like David Lynch films: nobody expects them to make any sense, and sometimes they applaud them for actively not doing so. You may ask what the difference is between embarrassment and shame, so here's a helpful gauge: If you're unable to get an erection because of something that you've done, that there, that's shame.
3. People Don't Think It's Cute When You F*ck Up
When I was a kid, my mom kept a bag of Skittles on top of a bookshelf in the livingroom. One day, I decided to climb the bookshelf and get to the Skittles. Predictably, the bookshelf couldn't handle the weight of even my tiny body, and it promptly toppled over. I had just enough time to leap to safety before it crashed to the floor, spilling books and Skittles everywhere. I wasn't in it for the books, so I quickly gathered up handfuls of Skittles and started cramming them into my mouth. My parents rushed in shortly after and, seeing that nothing was broken and I wasn't injured, they giggled at my daring behavior, and took plenty of pictures of me sitting in the wreckage of the toppled bookshelf with mouthfuls of skittles before they cut me off and put the shelf back in its place. My boss has some Girl Scout Cookies on top of his bookshelf in his office, bt if I tried to pull that shit now, I'd be fired immediately.
4. You Stop Receiving Hand-Written Mail
Whenever you receive a hand-written letter as an adult, it's usually followed by the phrase "shake it to see if it has any strange powder in it or something." Plus, as a kid, mail is a lot like a hooker's vagina: it probably won't be opened unless there's cash involved. There are only two reasons to send hand-written letters: to make you feel special, or to let you know you're a f*cking asshole for parking your car in an inconvenient manner. And 95% of the time, your grandma is referring to the latter.
5. You Have to Wake Yourself Up On Time
Moms are Nature's alarm clock. In fact, they're way better than a man-made alarm clock that just drones on at the same tone periodically and annoys you into consciousness. A mom's tone will change dramatically the third or fourth time she comes in to wake you up for school. Sometimes she'll shake you, or even throw objects or liquids on you to get you out of bed. Sure, it's annoying, but it works. As an adult, your man-made alarm clock is the only hope you have of getting to work on time. After several months with the same alarm clock, you'll start to become immune to its sound, and you'll begin to incorporate the droning beeps into your dreams, so that it's easier to ignore. Like, you'll be having a dream where you're having awesome sex with Marisa Miller, and suddenly there will be a beeping in the distance. Marisa will be like, "Do you hear that beeping? It sounds like your alarm clock," and you'll be like, "Nah, it's just a garbage truck backing up outside," and then she'll be like, "oh, okay, let's just keep having awesome sex then." Ultimately, it takes a great amount of will-power to get yourself out of that dream and off to work, and that just sucks.
6. You Choose to Wear Sweaters
When you're a kid, wearing a sweater is like staying sober at your girlfriend's family Christmas party: it's incredibly uncomfortable and torturous, but ultimately it makes you much more presentable to the people around you. A kid would never willingly leave the house in a sweater, and even if your parents made you wear it to school, you'd have it off and in your backpack as soon as you rounded the corner on the way to the bus stop, no matter how cold it was outside. As adults, we've realized the benefits of a sweater: it hides unsightly coffee stains on an otherwise perfectly presentable shirt, and it also helps to conceal the awkward love-handles and other inexplicable bulges that come about as a result of age. To many adults, a sweater can be your greatest ally, just as long as it's not the exact same sweater that you were forced into as a child.
7. You Worry About Not Getting a Boner
When you're a kid, boners are like Starbucks: they can pop up anywhere, at any time, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Just like an avalanche, they can be caused by something as small as a slight gust of wind. As a child, you live in constant fear of the boner. When you become an adult, boners become like that friend you had in college that you went out on a limb for and got a job at your office: you just have to hope that they show up when they're supposed to and do an adequate job, because otherwise you're going to look really, really bad.
This is absolutely hilarious! Especially the boner one LOL. I've done a similar one, but on SNOT - feel free to comment! http://hubpages.com/_blogz/hub/snot - Marco
Wow I just went to the site you posted here, and boy the advice they give is priceless. I bought myself the ebook and its well worth the money!! I am finally on my way to getting rid of my debts!! Thank you!
As the adults can see, there are some non-adults commenting. Use you grown up words and big words instead of foul words(a sign of low vocabulary skills). Also, learn your tenses. It's never too late to learn, there's always room for improvement.
funny jrzygrl telling people to grown up words and yet she said "you" instead of "your" when she typed: Use you grown up words.
I hate people who tell people on the web to use correct spelling, punctuations and the like and yet they have text shorten screen names or don't spell words correctly themselves. Happens all the time.
Just terrible. The first 5 are things that describe either a kid or an adult, and the last 2 are things that still don't apply to me now that I am an adult.
But the analogies were great. I especially loved the one that started like this: "mail is a lot like a hooker's vagina". I had no clue how that one was going to end. And then this: "it probably won't be opened unless there's cash involved." So true! Perfectly accurate, and beautiful. You have a way with words, if not ideas.
Yeah, but the point is that a large part of what defines the quality of an article is its readability, and usage/spelling/grammar mistakes can distract significantly from that... unless as a reader you have the sort of intelligence level where you can't tell the difference anyway, in which case for you the internet will be a paradise of "quality" content.
Shut the hell up Daryl G. This article was funny, only took a minute at the most out of your miserable life and added some pretty entertaining and rewarding laughter into it.
you know what? nobody gives a shit about grammar or spelling anymore. you're reading an article on a site called holytaco. what does that say about the times? it's over man, thanks to spellcheck and grammar check and google finishing our sentences for us, as long as the message gets conveyed nobody gives a shit. example; you r a doosh bag. get it?
Get on with your lives. Who cares who can spell and who can't. All of those who are complaining about those who are correcting the grammar, are all the same. HYPOCRITES. Can you not see the resemblance? Oh, shit. I suppose I'm one in the same now too....
I'm fairly sure I didn't spend my childhood with a constant fear of The Boner.
I'm also pretty sure I needn't worry about NOT getting a boner, unless I'm like one of those African frogs who can mutate into the appropriate gender when the other overpopulates the territory (which, admittedly, would be pretty freakin' sweet).
So, everyone else gets to be a sarcastic asshole except me? How unfortunate. I missed the memo. My apologies. I will never again attempt to be witty in a reply column for a list silly things intended to amuse.
(Incidentally, not that any one cares, but I brought up the 'penis' issue because the list clearly says "Adults", not simply "Adult Males". I felt a little slighted.)
Well clearly everyone here is a grown adult, but for the ones who want to (re)freshen their memory on how to become a real man:
http://www.askmen.com/money/mafioso_60/98_mafia.html
(99 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
June 11th, 2009 at 07:36 am
This is absolutely hilarious! Especially the boner one LOL. I've done a similar one, but on SNOT - feel free to comment! http://hubpages.com/_blogz/hub/snot - Marco
June 11th, 2009 at 07:54 am
You missed the biggest one of all - to be able to take care of your finances. I learnt to manage my personal finance at www.moneypersonalfinance.org
June 11th, 2009 at 08:28 am
Shut the fuck up you goddamn spammer.
Additionally: eat dicks.
June 11th, 2009 at 08:46 am
Yeah eat dicks! By the way, are you looking for the freshest and hardest dicks to eat? Just go to http://www.freshhardcocks.com
June 11th, 2009 at 08:58 am
You're good.
June 11th, 2009 at 08:47 am
LEARNT?? Hahahahaha what?????
June 11th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Learnt = Perfectly legit word.
I checked it out: http://www.askoxford.com/asktheexperts/faq/aboutspelling/learnt
June 12th, 2009 at 03:41 am
Mother of fuck, what is this, moron day at Holy Taco? "Learnt" is a perfectly legitimate word, buy a fucking dictionary.
June 18th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
It's a verb of learn...OMG!
June 11th, 2009 at 05:58 pm
Wow I just went to the site you posted here, and boy the advice they give is priceless. I bought myself the ebook and its well worth the money!! I am finally on my way to getting rid of my debts!! Thank you!
June 11th, 2009 at 09:39 am
As the adults can see, there are some non-adults commenting. Use you grown up words and big words instead of foul words(a sign of low vocabulary skills). Also, learn your tenses. It's never too late to learn, there's always room for improvement.
June 11th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
funny jrzygrl telling people to grown up words and yet she said "you" instead of "your" when she typed: Use you grown up words.
I hate people who tell people on the web to use correct spelling, punctuations and the like and yet they have text shorten screen names or don't spell words correctly themselves. Happens all the time.
June 11th, 2009 at 09:53 am
Just terrible. The first 5 are things that describe either a kid or an adult, and the last 2 are things that still don't apply to me now that I am an adult.
But the analogies were great. I especially loved the one that started like this: "mail is a lot like a hooker's vagina". I had no clue how that one was going to end. And then this: "it probably won't be opened unless there's cash involved." So true! Perfectly accurate, and beautiful. You have a way with words, if not ideas.
June 12th, 2009 at 12:57 am
thanks for comin out.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:04 am
To he who wrote this article:
Learn to spell. While you're at it, learn to use punctuation in a way that doesn't signify retardation.
Or childhood.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Daryl g is a grammer nazi.
Guy it dont matter if it has correct punctuation or not its about the quality of the article
June 12th, 2009 at 03:48 am
Yeah, but the point is that a large part of what defines the quality of an article is its readability, and usage/spelling/grammar mistakes can distract significantly from that... unless as a reader you have the sort of intelligence level where you can't tell the difference anyway, in which case for you the internet will be a paradise of "quality" content.
June 18th, 2009 at 06:42 pm
It "doesn't" matter
June 11th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Shut the hell up Daryl G. This article was funny, only took a minute at the most out of your miserable life and added some pretty entertaining and rewarding laughter into it.
Follow me at www.twitter.com/thecrypticone
June 11th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Oh really? Someone who wrote "to he" expects people to learn grammar?
June 12th, 2009 at 03:39 am
Er, sorry, but "to he" is perfectly good grammar in this context. "He" is the subject of the sentence, not the object.
I'm curious to know in what way you thought that was bad grammar.
Oh wait, you're a complete moron. That explains it.
You should probably look shit up before you go showing everyone your lone brain cell.
June 12th, 2009 at 08:48 am
Er, no. "to he who" is not good grammar in this context.
"[I say this] to him" is the extension of the first part, where "him" is the indirect object. The "who" clause modifies the "to him" clause.
For the same reason, it's "all things come to him who waits" not "...he who waits".
June 12th, 2009 at 05:47 pm
I can't hardly believe this discussion...juaaaa juaaaaa juua
you made my afternoon
hugs fron southamerica
June 17th, 2009 at 07:10 pm
HAHA!!!Lets see how long thischain can last
June 18th, 2009 at 07:34 pm
Buzz kill
June 12th, 2009 at 08:48 am
ahahah anonymous#1 is probably retarded and #2 is very funny !! lol
June 15th, 2009 at 07:41 pm
No one likes someone who corrects everyone. Get over it. It's just grammar.
June 18th, 2009 at 09:09 pm
i'll bet you a million dolars you triple checked your post before you submitted it
June 15th, 2009 at 09:11 am
I thought everyone was over the whole grammar/spelling correction thing. Somebody tell this asshole who misspells his own fucking name.
June 18th, 2009 at 09:07 pm
you know what? nobody gives a shit about grammar or spelling anymore. you're reading an article on a site called holytaco. what does that say about the times? it's over man, thanks to spellcheck and grammar check and google finishing our sentences for us, as long as the message gets conveyed nobody gives a shit. example; you r a doosh bag. get it?
June 11th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
so right about those goddamn ninja turtle gumball eyes.
June 11th, 2009 at 02:34 pm
it sucks getting old....I don;t even like ice cream anymore...
June 11th, 2009 at 03:07 pm
looks like a kid wrote this
June 12th, 2009 at 10:44 am
1
2
3
7 Virgin signs
June 13th, 2009 at 03:05 pm
Haaaa
electronic cigarette
June 17th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
you missed the 8th sign that you're an adult, which is taking off your glasses and moaning about the article your about to read about yourself.
June 18th, 2009 at 01:04 am
*tisk tisk*
Get on with your lives. Who cares who can spell and who can't. All of those who are complaining about those who are correcting the grammar, are all the same. HYPOCRITES. Can you not see the resemblance? Oh, shit. I suppose I'm one in the same now too....
hmmm....
June 18th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
shit!
June 18th, 2009 at 06:24 pm
question: Where did you get that photo of a boner?
June 19th, 2009 at 01:03 am
I'm fairly sure I didn't spend my childhood with a constant fear of The Boner.
I'm also pretty sure I needn't worry about NOT getting a boner, unless I'm like one of those African frogs who can mutate into the appropriate gender when the other overpopulates the territory (which, admittedly, would be pretty freakin' sweet).
Silly x chromosomes.
June 19th, 2009 at 01:35 am
"hey, everybody! look at me, i'm a woman and i have to make it well known to everyone that i have don't have a penis!"
those silly x chromosomes
June 19th, 2009 at 01:46 am
fuck ur husband n see his penis if he can control........,
June 19th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
So, everyone else gets to be a sarcastic asshole except me? How unfortunate. I missed the memo. My apologies. I will never again attempt to be witty in a reply column for a list silly things intended to amuse.
(Incidentally, not that any one cares, but I brought up the 'penis' issue because the list clearly says "Adults", not simply "Adult Males". I felt a little slighted.)
June 19th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
"...list silly things intended to amuse."
ought to be
"...list OF silly things intended to amuse."
June 19th, 2009 at 03:57 pm
Only a woman would forget to type 'of'. Probably distracted by your period.
July 10th, 2009 at 01:09 am
This chicken a** Anonymous person is a jerk...
June 19th, 2009 at 02:01 pm
Well clearly everyone here is a grown adult, but for the ones who want to (re)freshen their memory on how to become a real man:
http://www.askmen.com/money/mafioso_60/98_mafia.html
June 24th, 2009 at 04:49 am
Yeah eat dicks! By the way, are you looking for the freshest and hardest dicks to eat?
dizi izle dizi izle diziizle canli dizi
September 2nd, 2009 at 08:04 am
i love sex
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