If you’re anything like us, your sexual encounters are usually pretty awkward. Once you’ve been with a girlfriend or boyfriend for a while, they get used to your particular style and you’re in the clear, but you’ll never reach that point if you don’t make it past first-time sex with a new partner. Here are the 7 Stages of First-Time Sex with Someone:
1. The "Determining if You’re Going to Have Sex" Stage
A lot of people flirt in social situations, and sometimes it’s incredibly difficult to determine if someone is actually interested in you, or if they just want attention and that feeling of power that comes from a good, rigorous cockteasing. Luckily, the rules are totally different in one-on-one situations, and there are very few people who can be deliberately sexually misleading when it’s just the two of you. Those people are known as "girlfriends" and they tend to operate like an M. Night Shyamalan film: they always make it seem like something is going to happen, and then you suddenly realize that you’ve spent the last two hours listening to her talk about something that you don’t give a shit about.
Other than that, if you’re getting strong sexual vibes from someone that you’re alone with, then there’s a pretty good chance that he or she is interested in having sex with you. Your intuition about sex in this situation works the same way as the intuition that you get when you find mysterious leftovers in your refrigerator: whatever you immediately think it is, there’s a really good chance that you’re right.
2. The "Psyching Yourself Up" Stage
There are two ways to psych yourself: up, and out. Try to avoid the latter at this stage. Psyching yourself up for sex is pretty easy. Just try to picture any porn that you’ve ever watched. You know how sometimes you saw the guy’s face, and it made you really uncomfortable? Well, imagine those parts, and put your face on his body. The vision of you banging a hot pornstar in your head will do the trick for you. If you’re still having trouble, just keep reminding yourself that you’re going to be having sex pretty soon, and that first-time sex is a lot like one of those weird parking lot carnivals that you see in small towns: it’s kind of creepy, and really sweaty, and there’s a good chance that it’s not going to be safe at all, but afterward you’ll be glad that you experienced and survived it, and at the very least you’ll get a good story out of it.
3. The "Physical Checklist" Stage
This stage pretty much goes hand-in-hand with the previous stage. Shortly after psyching yourself up for sex, you’ll start to think about the physical state of your balls, and how that might effect the outcome of your evening. How long has it been since you last showered? Do your balls smell like the lunch buffet at an Indian restaurant? What pants are you wearing today? The ones that breathe pretty well, or some stuffy jeans that you found in your dirty laundry underneath a jerk off sock? When is the last time you trimmed your pubes? Did you wipe your ass really well after the last time you dropped a deuce? All of these things will run through your mind in a millisecond. Imagine that you’re a small, malnourished Phillipino child at the end of a Nike assembly line: if you’ve missed something and you don’t catch it, there’s a good chance your day is going to end with someone saying, "go back to the hole you came from. You disgust me!"
The important thing to remember is that, at this stage, it probably doesn’t matter that much, unless you’ve determined that, say, it’s been three weeks since your last shower, or that you just shit your pants an hour ago. Otherwise, you’re probably okay.
4. The "Do I Care if the Other Person Enjoys It?" Stage
Like it or not, this is a pre-sex stage that you’re going to have to deal with. It’s very important to determine whether or not you care if your partner enjoys the experience or not, because this will determine how you perform in the heat of the action. There are several factors that come into play when making this determination: are you ever going to see this person again after tonight? Do you ever want to see this person again? Will this person converse with someone else that you’d eventually like to have sex with? The answer to these questions will help you to better determine your course of action as the evening plays itself out. It’s like deciding if you can eat your friend before embarking on a 19th century fur-trapping expedition with them in the dead of winter: sure, you’re not planning on consuming them to survive, but it’s definitely something that you should keep in mind, just in case.
5. The "Actually Having Sex" Stage
The "Actually Having Sex" Stage is easily the most difficult to manage. When you’re having sex, everything is as blurry as that scene in Taken where Liam Niesen is driving down the wrong side of the street at 100mph. Your mind is overwhelmed, and thinking too much is only going to hurt you.
It’s best to just sit back, relax, and try to focus on something. Welcome the tunnel vision that comes naturally, and just focus on whatever is right in front of you. If it’s a boob or a butt cheeck, grab it. If it’s any other body part, kiss it or lick it, depending on how things are unfolding. You probably won’t have much time in this stage, so attempting to analyze anything is just going to be a waste of valuable time and focus, like a halftime speech from Herm Edwards. It’ll be over soon enough, anyway.
6. The "Excuses" Stage
Having sex is like murdering someone: if it goes well, you don’t need an excuse. Unfortunately, most of the time it’s incredibly messy, and you’re thinking "jesus christ, what the fuck was I thinking?! I need to get out of here right now." At this point, usually you’ll come up with a variety of excuses to explain your shitty sexual performance, ranging from "this never happens to me" to "you were making a noise, so I thought that you were liking what I was doing". The important thing to remember here is to never apologize, no matter how terrible your performance was, and then attempt to fade off into obscurity and only show up when there’s a party you absolutely have to attend. I call this "The George W. Bush Theorem":
7. The "Should I Eat Something Before I Leave?" Stage
When you have sex, your body goes into a primal stage; you’ve satisfied the impulse for procreation, and now it demands that you feed yourself. Unfortunately, your body doesn’t take into account "pulling out and accidentally shooting your ejaculate onto a picture of your date’s deceased relative". So, you then use your evolved brain to decide whether or not the situation is too awkward to feed yourself. A good way to tell if this is the case or not is to ask yourself: "if this were a movie starring Seth Rogen, would studio executives immediately greenlight a sequel?" If the answer is yes, then it’s already far beyond awkward, and it can’t get any worse. You might as well help yourself to whatever’s in the fridge before you head out.