As 2011 winds down and we all enjoy looking back at the previous year, keep in mind all the panicked moments that occurred. Then try to remember the same moments from 2010. And 2009. And 1999. And when they happen once again in 2012, remember that Holy Taco wrote this and told you it would happen. We’re not psychic, we don’t know the details, we just know the way the world works. So without further ado, here’s everything you don’t need to freak out about in 2012.
We’re going to start with the big guns because if anything on this list deserves a freak out, it’s a natural disaster. We’re not telling Japan they had an easy year, but the east coast and its earthquake didn’t really have as rough a shake as the media made out.
2012 is going to bring flooding. We saw some pretty epic flooding in 2011 and it stands to reason other are two options for the 2012 floods – better or worse. Decide for yourself if that necessitates the construction of an ark. Live near a river? Have a plan that doesn’t involve paddling your couch downstream should it come to that.
2011 also brought down some fierce tornadoes that caused wicked destruction. This will happen again in 2012. Do not freak out! Be prepared. If you live in a trailer park, for the love of god stockpile some water and a tank of gas so you can get to safety and be relatively alive until everything blows over.
In the following year we’re going to run afoul of an earthquake or two as well – if you live on a fault line, try to make sure you know where in your home is the least likely to collapse on your head. If you happen to be reading this in a 3d world country then first, welcome to our website! Second, we wish you the best of luck in surviving the wrath of your Lord.
Donate to the Red Cross. They may be giving you a thermal blanket and a meal one day.
Oy vay. In 2012, when a shitty celebrity marriage falls apart, please don’t tweet about it unless your tweet is hilarious (check out Holy taco on Twitter – we got mad awesome jokes about Ashton & Demi and Kim K). History tells us that, on average 5 celebrity marriages will fall apart each and every year. We didn’t do any real math on that, but we’re probably not far off. If anything we lowballed it.
When a celebrity gets arrested and then let off with a joke sentence that amounts to literally less than an hour in jail, try not to be surprised. Again, head to Twitter only if you have a funny comment (we totally pwned Lindsay Lohan. Pwned with a P, like the kids say).
When a celebrity opens their mouth (probably on twitter) and says something completely idiotic, it’s not necessary to write an article about it in TIME magazine. However, it does seem appropriate to take to Twitter in this instance (we were totally online when Ashton Kutcher said that dumb shit about Joe Paterno. And then when Charlie Sheen tweeted his phone number).
Yeah, some politician is going to have sex with someone they’re not married to next year. At this point, you should not be surprised if;
- The politician bangs a hooker
- The politician bangs an intern
- The politician bangs someone of the same sex
- The politician texts or emails filthy pictures/messages
- The politician gets caught viewing/downloading porn at work
- The politician used tax payer money to pay for a trip to Thailand where so many awful things happened we can’t begin to list them.
There’s a high likelihood that a movie you enjoyed once will have a sequel next year. The sequel will suck so huge and be an exercise in excess and CG masturbation. Sorry. But you should have seen that coming.
A crappy band will release a crappy album and every single will outsell the Beatles entire catalog and you’ll be disgusted to hear this.
Speaking of crappy music, there will be some viral video that spreads like wildfire, not because it’s awesome, but because it’s a terrible, terrible song. We’ll feature it on Holy Taco. Look for it.
TLC and A&E will both showcase at least one reality show based on something so inane you couldn’t in your wildest dreams have ever guessed someone would be dumb enough to make it into a show let alone watch it. It will have awesome ratings.
Whether Obama remains President or the Republicans win, everyone will bitch. There will be problems with healthcare, crime, taxes, the color of crab grass, the menu at KFC, the levels of salt in ham, the atomic weight of molybdenum and the 18th digit of pi. Late night talk shows will make numerous jokes at the expense of the President, as will we. The opposing party will also be mocked mercilessly, for whatever reason.
Dissatisfaction will reign supreme. It always does.
Someone Gets Away with Murder
Keep in mind as we roll through this list, we’re not saying any of this is good, or that you should roll over and accept it, you just shouldn’t be surprised. So when a crazy murder comes up in the news and the murderer gets caught and then it goes to trial and then they get acquitted well, you know, it happens. It happens all the time. Nancy Grace and her errant nipples will raise righteous fury about it but it won’t change things, it’ll just mean we have to avoid major news networks until she goes away again. Just remember the justice system gets it right every so often, too.
Something Awful Caught on Tape
You will see the following at some point, probably on Youtube;
- Cops beating a veteran/elderly person/someone sitting down
- Someone being tazed or pepper sprayed who didn’t seem to deserve it
- Someone driving into a building
- A massive fight in a fast food restaurant
- Something racist captured on a bus/train
- A public demonstration that degrades into bloody violence
- Donald trump’s vlog