New Year’s Eve is fast approaching everyone! What are you going to do? Where are you going to party? Who are you going to regrettably make out with? So many questions! It’s understandable, I mean, you want to send off the old year and bring in the new one in as memorable a way possible. I prefer to let the end of the old year and the beginning of the new one blend together in a noisy, grey fog of drunk people, but that’s always a bad idea. I’d love to tell you how to do New Year’s Eve right, but given my past, I’m much more qualified to tell you what not to do. I could probably compile a list of mistakes I’ve made on this one night every year since I was old enough to make my own decisions. However, this is the internet and people don’t have the attention spans to read through a list that long. So, we’ve narrowed it down to our top ten. Use this as a handy guide to keep your New Year’s Eve safe and free from life-altering mistakes.
Obviously, you shouldn’t drive drunk at all ever anytime ever never, but on New Year’s Eve, you should just not drive at all. Find a place to put yourself and stay there. If it gets boring, find a stronger illicit substance, or play Angry Birds on your phone.
Nobody knows how to act like a real person in a mob of people. Particularly when it’s cold and they’re drinking. You might get lucky, and a stranger might accidentally have sex with you, but let’s be honest, it probably won’t be one of your choosing.
Don’t go to a fancy party. If you’re exactly like me, you’ll end up getting more drunk than everyone else and start calling them out for being rich and fancy, which is something people like that don’t enjoy. For example, total hypothetical situation here, when everyone is silent just before the countdown begins you might yell “Your wealth was built on the backs of slaves! Corporations are not people! These hors d’oeuvres are total sh#t!”
Self-explanatory. Don’t be the guy who brings the electric vuvuzela to the party. Bring something that squeaks or pops at reasonable level.
Don’t bother. I mean, if you can’t drink and can’t be around alcohol, then please, by all means, go to a booze-free party. If you can be around alcohol, even if you don’t drink it, you’ll at least get a charge out of watching all the drunk people be drunk people.
People Wearing ’2012′ Glasses
People with year glasses on are bad news. They’re not as fun as they’re trying to be.
Parties With Children
Even if you have kids, put them in storage for the night or something. Definitely don’t go to a party where kids are present. They’ll fall asleep early and you’ll have to remain relatively silent the rest of the night.