Memorial Day Weekend is almost here! By now, you should be fully prepared for three days of non-stop, uninhibited drunken revelry
. Just be aware that, in spite of all the unpredictable adventures that you’ll experience this Memorial Day Weekend
, there are some things that are definitely
going to happen no matter what. Here are 9 of those things:
Your Drunk Uncle Will Tell You Weird Stories
Your uncle is normally a dignified, upstanding citizen. You’ve seen him drink at family gatherings before, but never like this. On Memorial Day, all bets are off. After pounding an entire 24-pack of Natty Ice (and half a bottle of Jack that he hid outside, in the tool box of his F-150) your uncle will stumble over to you in the backyard and mumble something like, "y’know, when I was your age, my car broke down on the highway and I f*cked a girl in a ditch on the side of the road. Well, it wasn’t a chick so much as a corpse, and it wasn’t a ditch so much as a grave. Don’t tell your aunt about this. Oh god! What did I do to that poor girl?! Don’t ever talk to your aunt again!"
You Will Eat Burnt Food
Two things are synonymous with Memorial Day: drinking, and barbecuing. Paying homage to our fallen soldiers is somewhere further down the list. Much further. The problem with barbecues on Memorial Day can best be illustrated through this simple mathematical equation:
As you can see, the result of barbecuing while getting shitfaced is going to be barbecuing to the power of shitty, which means your food is going to be completely burned to hell. Your hamburger is going to look like Freddy Krueger’s corpse and your hotdog will look exactly like Darkman’s charred penis, and you don’t even need to be familiar with the movie Darkman to know that it’s not going to be a pleasant eating experience.
You Will Attempt to Re-Live Your College Years…And Fail
No matter how many cookouts you have attended before, a cookout during Memorial Day Weekend is a license to go f*cking crazy. We somehow convince ourselves that one extra day off of work means we’ll be able to drink until we black out, take up smoking again, and try snorting coke off of a hooker’s ass for the first time because "hey, we have one extra day to sleep it off!" Inevitably, your cookout will devolve into drinking games with a crazy mixed crowd of current college students, little kids, and aging family members. You’ll seize the opportunity to proclaim that you were the king of this drinking game in college, and then you’ll proceed to lose to your own mother, who’s playing for the first time. Ironically, after your mom kicks your ass in a drinking game, she’ll be the one that relived her college years, and she’ll cap off the evening by drawing a sharpie dick on your passed out face that you’ll have to sport to the office on Tuesday. If only Mother’s Day came after Memorial Day.
You Will Be Surrounded by Farmer’s Tans, and then Sunburns
For most people, Memorial Day Weekend is the first time their unkempt torsos have seen the sunlight in 9 months. Their delicate, pastey skin isn’t used to direct contact with outdoor air, let alone the scorching rays of solar death that will be raining down on them all afternoon. Of course, everyone’s first prerogative on Memorial Day (at least in terms of appearance) is to get rid of that ridiculous Farmer’s Tan they’re sporting as quickly as possible. This means sunblock only on the arms, face, and neck, leaving their ghostly bodies to absorb as much ultraviolet as they can. Unfortunately, extreme drunkenness is a terrible form of sunblock, and when they wake up on the beach as red as a lobster’s tits, all the Aloe Vera in the world won’t be enough to save their asses.
You’ll Watch Breaking Bad While Smoking Crystal Meth
The best part about not having to work on Monday is getting wasted on Sunday night, and the best part about being wasted on Sunday night is getting to watch your favorite Sunday night television shows while you’re completely wasted, an event that could only occur on a three-day weekend. Just imagine how awesome it will be to watch Breaking Bad and actually be high on crystal meth! There are so many more revelations to catch if you’re tweaking during an episode. Also, since you’ll have to multi-task as a result of all the meth flowing through your body, you can take this opportunity to make more crystal meth under the direction of meth expert Walter White! Sure, you’ll have to drag your TV into the bathroom so you can watch the program while cooking up psychotropics in the tub, but when you’re that high on crystal meth, dragging all of your livingroom furniture into your bathroom will seem like the most logical thing you’ve done in years.
You Will Hook Up With a Fatty
Memorial Day Weekend, in it’s essence, is really just a weekend that offers more drinking opportunities than most people are used to. In these types of situations, people tend to make mistakes. One of those mistakes for you will be hooking up with someone that you’ll regret for the rest of your life. Normally, getting some is getting some, so who are you to complain, right? But for some reason, with a Memorial Day Weekend’s worth of alcohol flowing through your veins, your standards drop faster than a horny teenager’s balls. Unfortunately, this isn’t the type of regretful hookup situation that you can just sweep under the rug and forget about, either, because you’ll hook up with an extra large fatty in front of the entire bar crowd at Funky Murphy’s, the most crowded bar in the entire city. Then, thanks to modern technology and cell phone cameras, you’ll become internet famous the next day, when everyone comes into work and does their usual Tuesday morning youtube search for "Drunk Dude Making Out With Morbidly Obese Chick and Loving Every Minute of It" videos. We’ll be posting that video later today.
Your Freshly-Widowed Aunt Will Hit On Your Friend
Your beloved uncle passed away a few months ago, and your aunt has been in shambles ever since. Luckily, drinking is a perfect way to get out of shambles, and your aunt is fully aware of this. Unfortunately, having a deceased husband also means not getting laid, and drinking usually tends to have an inverse effect on not getting any action. So who will your aunt choose? Will it be your single, probably gay uncle? Will it be anyone else at the barbecue that she’s related to? No. It’s going to be your friend who came with you to the barbecue because his plans fell through and he has nothing else to do. And it’s going to be incredibly creepy and awkward. This will be one Memorial Day that you will not soon forget.