The 4th of July is a time to spend with family and friends, celebrating the things that make America what it is: beer, meat, fireworks, and more beer…and boobs, also. And you’re pretty much guaranteed four of those five things on the 4th of July. Be warned, though: if you decide to spend your 4th of July with your loved ones, there are 7 Things that Will Definitely Happen at Your Family’s 4th of July Barbecue:
1. Your Uncle Will Get Sick from Eating Spoiled Potato Salad
Potato salad is the one thing that’s always left over at the end of a hot, fun-filled 4th of July. Why? Because potato salad was on sale, and everyone at the barbecue brought it as a side dish. Most normal people know that eating potato salad that’s been sitting in the sun all day is like holding a sweaty, nervous guy’s briefcase for him at the airport. But your uncle has been shooting bottle rockets at squirrels and pounding MGD all day, and now he’s f*ckin’ hungry. The skin that’s formed over the top of the potato salad isn’t going to stop him. In fact, he’ll probably peel it off and make a bad Silence of the Lambs joke while shoving it into his mouth with his bare hands like a savage. Just have a camera at the ready, because in about an hour, he’ll be curled in the fetal position, covered in his own filth, calling out desperately for Jesus to save him.
2. Your Grandma Will Say Something Racist
This 4th of July, your sister might decide to throw a curveball: she’ll show up with her new boyfriend, who happens to be of a different ethnicity than the rest of your family. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this, and anyone who was born after 1940 won’t even pay any mind to it. Unfortunately, your grandma was born in the 1700′s or something, and she doesn’t like it one bit. Being the good, passive-aggressive grandma that she is, she’ll try her best to hold her tongue, and keep her racial slurs at a hushed tone, but eventually she’s going to slip. She’s old. That’s what old people do. At some point in the day, she’s going to refer to your sister’s boyfriend as "Boy", or tell him to clear the table, or to "get back to work ‘fore she tells papa he’s trying to escape", whatever that means. Try to get people to laugh this off as "just crazy old grandma". Your sister will break up with the dude next week anyway, so you just have to focus on the short game: making it through the day without anyone punching your grandma’s false teeth out.
3. You’ll Hit on a Hot Chick Who Turns Out to be Your Cousin
The recent economic shit-storm has forced a lot of people to move back home, where their families can help and support them. Fortunately, this means that you’ll get to meet some extended family members that you didn’t even know you had. Unfortunately, some of them are going to be hot. You’ll consider the possibility that you might somehow be related to the mega-babe that you’re chatting up at the barbecue, but surely you would’ve heard about her before, right? Your mom, at some point in your life, would’ve at least said, "Oh, by the way, you have a cousin in Vancouver who’s really hot. Just an FYI!" Your hot cousin, on the other hand, knows that you two are related. She just likes the attention she’s getting from you. She’ll wait until you make a pass at her, then she’ll immediately run and tell your parents that you invited her to hang out in the attic for a half-hour while creepily brandishing a twenty dollar bill. There’s a good chance that at least three other family members will jump to your defense, because they got caught in the same trap earlier in the day. Stick together and you’ll all get through it with minimal collateral damage.
4. Your Dad Will Have Really Bad Gas All Day Long
On July 4th, your dad is going to wake up with bad gas. In fact, his bad gas is going to wake him up. Knowing that he was going to be immersed in food at the barbecue today, he decided to eat a light dinner last night, consisting of only 6 Jack-in-the-Box tacos. He’ll remind you all day that his dinner only cost $3 total. Unfortunately, just standing next to him will remind you that Jack-in-the-Box tacos tear apart an intestinal tract like that F5 tornado at the very beginning of Twister. Y’know how you’ve always wondered what an Auschwitz shower drain smelled like? Well, this is probably as close as your ever going to get.
5. Your Drunk Uncle Will Set the Lawn on Fire
It’s a fairly simple equation: Drunk Uncle + Firecrackers = Flaming Lawn. This happens for a few reasons: Your uncle has been drunkenly playing with firecrackers for a long time, regardless of whether or not it happens to be a firecracker-oriented holiday like the 4th of July. Therefore, he’s pretty confident with small explosives. He’s also going to go the extra mile, because today is a firecracker-oriented holiday. But your uncle doesn’t use just any firecrackers for special occasions. He uses big, huge, highly unpredictable 4th of July firecrackers. These firecrackers are so big that they’re illegal to sell, but they weren’t illegal when he bought them 15 years ago. Lighting a gigantic, 15-year old firecracker is like talking with a lisp in a biker bar: you’re just begging to get f*cked up. If the antiquated explosive device doesn’t destroy your uncle, it’s going to destroy something else, and there’s a good chance that that something will be at least the yard, if not the nearest building. Have a fire extinguisher on hand if—no, when this happens.
6. Your Cousin, the Vegetarian, Will Complain About the Food
There’s nothing like sitting around a grill cooking meat, drinking beer, and watching shit blow up. That’s why it will inevitably cause a huge stink when your cousin shows up from her semester away, claiming that she no longer eats "animal flesh". She’ll bitch and complain about having nothing to eat, ruining everyone’s good time. The problem will be escalated when an elderly relative makes an inappropriate comment about the way she’s dressed, and your perverted uncle will follow that comment with a creepily suggestive saying about your cousin putting meat in her mouth. That’s why it’s probably in your best interest to have a little something there for everyone, even if it’s not what you would eat.
7. Someone Who Shouldn’t Wear a Swimsuit Will Wear One
The combination of hot summer sun, booze, and bodies of water makes clothes come off like tequila to a sorority girl. Unfortunately for you, the clothes will not come off of anyone that you’d ever want to see in swimwear. Ever. Whether it’s your fat aunt, who’s ass droops like an elephant’s bottom lip, or your creepy neighbor, who’s testicles just keep "accidentally" peeking out, you’re going to see parts of people that you never wanted to see. There’s not really any getting around it, except for maybe staying inside all day, but who wants to do that? The only way to soldier through it is to get as drunk as you possibly can, aiming for one of two results: either your vision becomes so blurry from the alcohol that you physically can’t see anymore, or you get so drunk that you don’t remember anything the next day. The important thing to remember is to drink as much as possible. The last thing you want is for the 4th of July to ruin masturbation for the rest of your life….well, maybe just the next few days, but still…