Graduation is an exciting time in your life, and like most exciting times, it's bound to be accompanied by a fair amount of awkward moments. While it's sure to be an unpredictable few days, we can absolutely guarantee that a few things will definitely happen:
1. One of Your Relatives Will Say Something Racist, Then Make an Apology That's Even More Racist
Most relatives are like Will Smith movies: You see them once a year and they preach to you for two hours about something anyone with half of a brain already knows. Unfortunately, there's always one relative whose world-view is a little behind the times, and when you've come to greet your family after graduation with some of your friends, they'll say something like, "We couldn't find you down there, then I saw that you were behind that big chinaman. There's so many of them! It's like they're takin' over!" Then, the Chinese family behind you will all turn their heads toward your family, causing your relative to say something like, "Nah, I mean takin' over in a good way, y'know, 'cause they're good at math and science and laundry and stuff."
2. Someone in the Crowd Will Have a Dumbass Sign
Graduations are like WWE events; There’s a bunch of people grabbing a mic and talking, and everyone in the stands is holding up a sign that only makes sense to the four people they’re sitting next to that helped them make it. Usually it takes six people standing up to display the sign, and since they’re never sure when you’re coming on stage, and every graduate is dressed the same, they end up getting up and sitting down like they’re club goers at the jersey shore, and someone stepped on their shoe, then quickly apologized.
3. You Will Be Annoyed By Drunken Graduate Sorority Girls
Remember that group of loud, obnoxious sorority girls that ruin every college bar you’ve ever gone to by getting too drunk and talking loudly about how everyone else isn’t attractive enough to talk to them? Well somehow, they got to graduate too, and you’d better believe that they’re showing up completely plastered. They’re easy to spot, thanks to the hodgepodge of inside jokes puffy-painted onto their graduation caps and accessorized with all sorts of annoying, attention-grabbing glitter and pipe-cleaners and shit that only a drunken idiot would find cool. If you happen to have the misfortune of being blind, and your echo-location skills don’t work in the crowded graduation hall, just listen for the high-pitched squeals of mindless whores stumbling over each other, and screaming incessantly to one another about how “their graduation robes are so much hotter than everyone else’s.”
4. Someone You Don't Really Know Will Introduce You To Their Parents
Remember that kid that you sat two seats down from in your Space Sciences class during the second semester of your freshman year? Of course you don’t, but guess what? He remembers you, and he can’t wait for you to meet his parents. Having your family visit for your graduation is a lot like finding a dead squirrel in your car engine: it’s really not a good thing at all, but you still feel obligated to show it to everyone that you come into contact with for a short time thereafter. The best thing to do when introduced to someone’s family is to smile, be cordial, and get the encounter over with as quickly as possible. Also, for some reason there’s about a sixty percent chance that the kid in your Space Sciences class is named “Kevin.” I don’t know why, but it’s true.
5. There Will Be A Large Applause for a Handicapped Graduate
No matter who they are, or what they did, every time a person in a wheel chair, or with a clear physical disability, receives their diploma, the crowd reacts like that person just sank a three-pointer at the buzzer in game 7 of the NBA finals. This is great, because if there’s one thing handicapped people like, it’s people applauding them solely because they’re handicapped. To really hammer home the point, the audience is tired from loudly applauding, so the next person who gets up, also graduating with the same degree, gets a reaction like it’s the ninth inning of a 12-2 Florida Marlin’s game and someone got a bunt single.
6. Someone On a Cell Phone Will Try to Tell Someone Else Where They Are
No matter how loud, or how large a crowd you’re in, inevitably, there’s someone next to you on a cell phone attempting to shout instructions on how to locate them like it’s the fucking climactic scene of National Treasure and if they’re not found within seconds, a lever will be pulled and they’ll sink into the earth, never to be found again. The worst part is, their instructions usually consist of giving non-descript clues like they’re playing a game of charades and they want people to guess “Chairman of the federal reserve": “I’m sitting next to a bunch of people in suits...a guy next to me has brown hair...um...I’m waving?!"
7. The Keynote Speaker Will Make a Horrible Analogy
The odds are pretty good that your graduation’s keynote speaker is going to be some obscure author or incompetent politician who has absolutely no way of relating to an audience of bushy-tailed, optimistic young adults. In order to compensate for this, the keynote speaker will make an attempt at an analogy of some sort, to try to bridge the gap between what they know and what it’s like to graduate right now. It’s impossible to tell exactly what type of analogy it will be, but there is one thing that you can be absolutely sure of: it’s going to be terrible. Don’t be surprised to hear something like this:
“In 1885, a whale hunting ship got stranded in the polar ice caps. In the dark of the arctic night, they found themselves hopelessly lodged in 30-foot deep glaciers. Despair was all around them, and within weeks, they were starving. Eventually, the whalers began eating one another, until one last, gluttonous sailor remained. He froze to death several days after, because, after consuming his fellow crewmen, he was now too fat to drag himself off of the deck of the ship. But what happened to the whales that the crew was hunting? Those whales survived. Just like you’ll survive…as college graduates.”
Number 1 only applies to white people. Those other people have no qualms about being racist especially if they can say it in a language other than English.
Oh dear did I say "those people"? I meant to say ummm
*begins mumbling under his breath and looks around to see if he offended any blacks*.
As I prepare for my graduation from college, I am deeply saddened by the fact that I have already heard the best academic speech, and in no possible way will my commencement speaker even come close. Years ago as a ninth grader, at an end of year awards ceremony, we had a possible civil war veteran presenting the VA award to the top freshman student. He spends five minutes doing a stereotypical old man rant of how hard his life was, followed by talking of killing a man in whatever war he was in, to blaming everyone who did not enlist in the military for 9/11. After about ten minutes, he finally presents the award, which my friends goes up and accepts, the audience applauds, and a teacher goes up to close the ceremony. Instead, the old man goes on to talk for another ten minutes, arm around my friend on stage, about future wars. He tells of how there will be a new draft, and how most of us sitting on stage will be killed by either some Arabian person or the Chinese. He goes on to tell my friend that his intelligence is important to building robots and spaceships, and that this is the only way we will beat the Chinese. The old guy continues, everyone just sitting quietly hoping the awkwardness will end, when I lose it on stage and just bust out laughing. The old man turns to me and yells "you'll be laughing when your dead" which elicits more laughter. Still with his arm around my friend, he angrily finishes with " I have the consolation of being dead by the time the goddamned Chinese invade" and walks off the stage. Good memories.
You made it through the article, but then didn't have enough mental stamina to finish a comment about that article? Then felt the need to let your slow reading speed and tiny vocabulary be known to all? You are
That's simple to explain. The reason they got to graduate is because most likely they completed some BS major like fashion design, sociology, or some shit like that. You know, majors that will prepare you for a long career as a bartender. Even Jo Jo the monkey could graduate Summa Cum Laude if he completed one of those majors. Don't feel too bad for these ladies though, because most likely they will marry a sugar daddy.
Ah, college graduation...I remmber that shit. That's when I banged my chemistry teacher for an A only to find out it wasn't my chemistry teacher. It was my roomates dad disguised.
I look back and think, maybe if I went to class once I would know what she looked like and not have nightmares for the rest of my life and a F. Good times.
I was just at my sister's graduation and some dude on crutches got thunderous applause. Because you know, people who can't walk are usually brain-dead too. It was kind of ridiculous.
There was an idiot with a sign that I didn't bother to read. And I met more parents of people I don't know than whores in new jersey. No, that last part is a lie.
#1 = Adam Sandler movies. Not Will Smith. Will Smith teaches us important things like not to look for a cure for cancer or stop being drunk superheroes oh and to thank the guy who plays uncle eddie in christmas vacation for flying into alien motherships.
I remember my friend's graduation from the university's college of engineering. This is not a stereotype, but at least half the graduates were East Asian (Chinese, Korean, Japanese, etc.), South Asian (Indian, Pakistani, etc.) or Southeast Asian (Thai, Vietnamese, etc.). The dumbass key note speaker, a black guy, has the nerve to mention how few minorities there are in engineering. My friends, being the obnoxious jerks that they are started screaming, "Look at the f*cking graduating class nimrod!"
2. no one in the crowd cared enough to make a sign
3. no females attended the school, so no drunk sorority girls.
4. every graduate there was a "Kevin" but luckily their parents had no interest in meeting anyone that went to devry.
5. the closest thing to a handicapped student we had was the guy who's laptop couldn't run World of warcraft.
6. no one had anyone there who cared enough to try to find them.
7. the keynote speak was a black, female technology retarded politician speaking to a room full of young white ultra-nerds and their "proud" parents, she just kinda gave up in the middle of her analogy and said good luck out there.
As a friend of mine who went to Devry once said, "Devry is the only university [he uses that term loosely] that has to advertise it's legitimacy on tv. It's basically adult babysitting"
(99 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
May 19th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Damn handicaps stealing my thunda!
May 19th, 2009 at 11:17 am
Number 1 only applies to white people. Those other people have no qualms about being racist especially if they can say it in a language other than English.
Oh dear did I say "those people"? I meant to say ummm
*begins mumbling under his breath and looks around to see if he offended any blacks*.
May 19th, 2009 at 11:25 am
"echo-location skills", fucking awesome.
And just to make you all jealous, Bill Cosby spoke at my graduation.
May 19th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Cosby has spoken at 2 garduations per year since Malcolm Jamal Warner hit puberty.
May 20th, 2009 at 08:34 am
I thinking you not gladuate from correge; based in palt on youl sperring of gladuations.
July 21st, 2009 at 07:30 pm
im behind the big chinaman, its like there taking over.. haha
May 19th, 2009 at 09:01 pm
Wow, I'm like SOOOOO jealous. Whose graduation has Bill Cosby NOT spoken at?
August 11th, 2009 at 10:57 am
mine haha.
I wish he'd speak at my school. He's AMAZING! :D
May 19th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
i think the term "chinaman" is making a comback.
May 19th, 2009 at 04:12 pm
I say it whenever I can.
June 13th, 2009 at 07:13 am
yeah, bring it back
May 26th, 2009 at 07:45 pm
The Chinaman is not the issue dude...
July 27th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
The dude abides.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
As I prepare for my graduation from college, I am deeply saddened by the fact that I have already heard the best academic speech, and in no possible way will my commencement speaker even come close. Years ago as a ninth grader, at an end of year awards ceremony, we had a possible civil war veteran presenting the VA award to the top freshman student. He spends five minutes doing a stereotypical old man rant of how hard his life was, followed by talking of killing a man in whatever war he was in, to blaming everyone who did not enlist in the military for 9/11. After about ten minutes, he finally presents the award, which my friends goes up and accepts, the audience applauds, and a teacher goes up to close the ceremony. Instead, the old man goes on to talk for another ten minutes, arm around my friend on stage, about future wars. He tells of how there will be a new draft, and how most of us sitting on stage will be killed by either some Arabian person or the Chinese. He goes on to tell my friend that his intelligence is important to building robots and spaceships, and that this is the only way we will beat the Chinese. The old guy continues, everyone just sitting quietly hoping the awkwardness will end, when I lose it on stage and just bust out laughing. The old man turns to me and yells "you'll be laughing when your dead" which elicits more laughter. Still with his arm around my friend, he angrily finishes with " I have the consolation of being dead by the time the goddamned Chinese invade" and walks off the stage. Good memories.
May 19th, 2009 at 07:05 pm
I refuse to read this. I hope its not funny.
May 20th, 2009 at 05:47 am
Man, you missed out!
May 23rd, 2009 at 09:21 am
It was kinda funny
July 26th, 2009 at 09:42 pm
Unless you are like over 100 years old a civil war vet did not speak at your anything.
August 3rd, 2009 at 03:04 am
why won't anyone think about peace....... rather than having war on the same planet with a nuke.... what's the different with self destruction.
May 19th, 2009 at 08:59 pm
TOO LONG DIDN'T READ
June 13th, 2009 at 07:10 am
not even tempted to read this epic
July 23rd, 2009 at 03:31 pm
Man, you missed out!, what ever, i skipped and then went back and read it, go with your gut
July 25th, 2009 at 09:32 am
You made it through the article, but then didn't have enough mental stamina to finish a comment about that article? Then felt the need to let your slow reading speed and tiny vocabulary be known to all? You are
clearly
retarded.
August 3rd, 2009 at 02:19 am
dont make fun of retarded ppl. s'its not cool. my cuz is retarded you dumass so keep it shut
May 19th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Our site is so much better since we got rid of Cory.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
#3...."Well somehow, they got to graduate too.."
That's simple to explain. The reason they got to graduate is because most likely they completed some BS major like fashion design, sociology, or some shit like that. You know, majors that will prepare you for a long career as a bartender. Even Jo Jo the monkey could graduate Summa Cum Laude if he completed one of those majors. Don't feel too bad for these ladies though, because most likely they will marry a sugar daddy.
Ah...The circle of life!
May 19th, 2009 at 01:02 pm
Ah, college graduation...I remmber that shit. That's when I banged my chemistry teacher for an A only to find out it wasn't my chemistry teacher. It was my roomates dad disguised.
I look back and think, maybe if I went to class once I would know what she looked like and not have nightmares for the rest of my life and a F. Good times.
May 19th, 2009 at 01:08 pm
Damn I have to start going to class...
May 20th, 2009 at 05:45 am
Are you a chemistry teacher by any chance?
May 19th, 2009 at 05:44 pm
This mix-up hence explaining why you had to bang your teacher for a grade.
May 19th, 2009 at 01:24 pm
Then u may also interested in Graduation oral sex scandals
May 19th, 2009 at 02:11 pm
I was just at my sister's graduation and some dude on crutches got thunderous applause. Because you know, people who can't walk are usually brain-dead too. It was kind of ridiculous.
There was an idiot with a sign that I didn't bother to read. And I met more parents of people I don't know than whores in new jersey. No, that last part is a lie.
May 19th, 2009 at 02:28 pm
hahahahah 5, 6 and 7 happen at EVERY graduation I have EVER been too
May 19th, 2009 at 03:08 pm
#1 = Adam Sandler movies. Not Will Smith. Will Smith teaches us important things like not to look for a cure for cancer or stop being drunk superheroes oh and to thank the guy who plays uncle eddie in christmas vacation for flying into alien motherships.
May 19th, 2009 at 03:06 pm
I remember my friend's graduation from the university's college of engineering. This is not a stereotype, but at least half the graduates were East Asian (Chinese, Korean, Japanese, etc.), South Asian (Indian, Pakistani, etc.) or Southeast Asian (Thai, Vietnamese, etc.). The dumbass key note speaker, a black guy, has the nerve to mention how few minorities there are in engineering. My friends, being the obnoxious jerks that they are started screaming, "Look at the f*cking graduating class nimrod!"
May 20th, 2009 at 01:15 pm
couldn't u just say Asian
May 19th, 2009 at 03:10 pm
I f*cking love you guys.
May 19th, 2009 at 03:20 pm
holy mindfuck!
his name really was kevin
May 19th, 2009 at 03:30 pm
This is Grade A+ shit HT. thanks
May 19th, 2009 at 03:31 pm
Wow, aint it the truth! Wow, you hit it spot on!
RT
www.privacy-center.de.tc
May 19th, 2009 at 04:13 pm
My Kevin was named Kevin Simmonds.
May 19th, 2009 at 06:43 pm
If you remember his full name than he wasn't your Kevin. You were his.
May 19th, 2009 at 09:01 pm
WE HAVE A WINNER!!!
May 20th, 2009 at 07:03 am
I had sex with your mom.
May 19th, 2009 at 04:52 pm
I have your ticket, Roundeye!
May 19th, 2009 at 05:07 pm
I graduated from devry recently...
1. There were no minorites to offend
2. no one in the crowd cared enough to make a sign
3. no females attended the school, so no drunk sorority girls.
4. every graduate there was a "Kevin" but luckily their parents had no interest in meeting anyone that went to devry.
5. the closest thing to a handicapped student we had was the guy who's laptop couldn't run World of warcraft.
6. no one had anyone there who cared enough to try to find them.
7. the keynote speak was a black, female technology retarded politician speaking to a room full of young white ultra-nerds and their "proud" parents, she just kinda gave up in the middle of her analogy and said good luck out there.
May 19th, 2009 at 06:16 pm
that's because you graduated from Devry.
May 20th, 2009 at 02:33 am
can't you let him have something lol
As a friend of mine who went to Devry once said, "Devry is the only university [he uses that term loosely] that has to advertise it's legitimacy on tv. It's basically adult babysitting"
Television Spy
May 20th, 2009 at 06:47 am
i think its great that you are now comfortable enough to talk about your years at DeVry. Good for you, Kevin.
May 20th, 2009 at 10:32 am
Devry isn't a real school
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