Graduation is an exciting time in your life, and like most exciting times, it's bound to be accompanied by a fair amount of awkward moments. While it's sure to be an unpredictable few days, we can absolutely guarantee that a few things will definitely happen:
1. One of Your Relatives Will Say Something Racist, Then Make an Apology That's Even More Racist
Most relatives are like Will Smith movies: You see them once a year and they preach to you for two hours about something anyone with half of a brain already knows. Unfortunately, there's always one relative whose world-view is a little behind the times, and when you've come to greet your family after graduation with some of your friends, they'll say something like, "We couldn't find you down there, then I saw that you were behind that big chinaman. There's so many of them! It's like they're takin' over!" Then, the Chinese family behind you will all turn their heads toward your family, causing your relative to say something like, "Nah, I mean takin' over in a good way, y'know, 'cause they're good at math and science and laundry and stuff."
2. Someone in the Crowd Will Have a Dumbass Sign
Graduations are like WWE events; There’s a bunch of people grabbing a mic and talking, and everyone in the stands is holding up a sign that only makes sense to the four people they’re sitting next to that helped them make it. Usually it takes six people standing up to display the sign, and since they’re never sure when you’re coming on stage, and every graduate is dressed the same, they end up getting up and sitting down like they’re club goers at the jersey shore, and someone stepped on their shoe, then quickly apologized.
3. You Will Be Annoyed By Drunken Graduate Sorority Girls
Remember that group of loud, obnoxious sorority girls that ruin every college bar you’ve ever gone to by getting too drunk and talking loudly about how everyone else isn’t attractive enough to talk to them? Well somehow, they got to graduate too, and you’d better believe that they’re showing up completely plastered. They’re easy to spot, thanks to the hodgepodge of inside jokes puffy-painted onto their graduation caps and accessorized with all sorts of annoying, attention-grabbing glitter and pipe-cleaners and shit that only a drunken idiot would find cool. If you happen to have the misfortune of being blind, and your echo-location skills don’t work in the crowded graduation hall, just listen for the high-pitched squeals of mindless whores stumbling over each other, and screaming incessantly to one another about how “their graduation robes are so much hotter than everyone else’s.”
4. Someone You Don't Really Know Will Introduce You To Their Parents
Remember that kid that you sat two seats down from in your Space Sciences class during the second semester of your freshman year? Of course you don’t, but guess what? He remembers you, and he can’t wait for you to meet his parents. Having your family visit for your graduation is a lot like finding a dead squirrel in your car engine: it’s really not a good thing at all, but you still feel obligated to show it to everyone that you come into contact with for a short time thereafter. The best thing to do when introduced to someone’s family is to smile, be cordial, and get the encounter over with as quickly as possible. Also, for some reason there’s about a sixty percent chance that the kid in your Space Sciences class is named “Kevin.” I don’t know why, but it’s true.
5. There Will Be A Large Applause for a Handicapped Graduate
No matter who they are, or what they did, every time a person in a wheel chair, or with a clear physical disability, receives their diploma, the crowd reacts like that person just sank a three-pointer at the buzzer in game 7 of the NBA finals. This is great, because if there’s one thing handicapped people like, it’s people applauding them solely because they’re handicapped. To really hammer home the point, the audience is tired from loudly applauding, so the next person who gets up, also graduating with the same degree, gets a reaction like it’s the ninth inning of a 12-2 Florida Marlin’s game and someone got a bunt single.
6. Someone On a Cell Phone Will Try to Tell Someone Else Where They Are
No matter how loud, or how large a crowd you’re in, inevitably, there’s someone next to you on a cell phone attempting to shout instructions on how to locate them like it’s the fucking climactic scene of National Treasure and if they’re not found within seconds, a lever will be pulled and they’ll sink into the earth, never to be found again. The worst part is, their instructions usually consist of giving non-descript clues like they’re playing a game of charades and they want people to guess “Chairman of the federal reserve": “I’m sitting next to a bunch of people in suits...a guy next to me has brown hair...um...I’m waving?!"
7. The Keynote Speaker Will Make a Horrible Analogy
The odds are pretty good that your graduation’s keynote speaker is going to be some obscure author or incompetent politician who has absolutely no way of relating to an audience of bushy-tailed, optimistic young adults. In order to compensate for this, the keynote speaker will make an attempt at an analogy of some sort, to try to bridge the gap between what they know and what it’s like to graduate right now. It’s impossible to tell exactly what type of analogy it will be, but there is one thing that you can be absolutely sure of: it’s going to be terrible. Don’t be surprised to hear something like this:
“In 1885, a whale hunting ship got stranded in the polar ice caps. In the dark of the arctic night, they found themselves hopelessly lodged in 30-foot deep glaciers. Despair was all around them, and within weeks, they were starving. Eventually, the whalers began eating one another, until one last, gluttonous sailor remained. He froze to death several days after, because, after consuming his fellow crewmen, he was now too fat to drag himself off of the deck of the ship. But what happened to the whales that the crew was hunting? Those whales survived. Just like you’ll survive…as college graduates.”
Black people will have the highest percentage of cheering on their graduate out of turn and over someone else's name. Though this is more prominent in high school.
This is awesome. Whose idea was it to have graduation outdoors in late May with everyone wearing black robes and caps, anyway? No wonder most of the people I know say "fuck it, just mail me the damn diploma" and spend graduation weekend out on the river in an innertube getting hammered and looking at 21 year-old girls in bikinis.
Crazy. In the second entry, the picture shows the actual dumb-ass high school I went to, which is probably one of the worst in America: Port Neches-Groves High or PNG. Probably the most back-water and ignorant school in America.
Oh honey.IF you went to PNG You know the most ignorent school in America.It's just a little away.And it's called WEST ORANGE.PNG is like so much better.
The only thing of those that happened at mine was someone having a sign...
We had a partial streaker. As soon as he got his diploma (different guy), he took off his gown, stripped down to his skivvies, and with the biggest smile on his face, walked back to his seat. He was later on, or corse, arrested. A year of probation and X number of hours of community service. Totally worth it.
Glad to see recent college/high school graduates are able to spell complex phrases like "or corse". Of course, we live in the US and spell check exists...wait...even the spell check here says "corse" isn't a word....hmm...
I wish Seth Mcfarlane gave my Graduation Speech. His speech at Harvard was amazing. Mine was some women who wrote a book about monkeys. Check out the clips here of the Seth Mcfarlanes Speech...
http://www.precioustimeny.com/blog/?p=1240
Well, that is because so few of them actually graduate. And so few in black families have achieved such a feat. IT is a celebration for them.Christian Louboutin Shoes
Half of these things happened at my sister's graduation. In fact the racist things happen constantly but is rarely apologized for. Can't wait to see what happens at mine :D
You missed "Someone's speech will quote the dictionary". I haven't been to a graduation yet where at least one speech didn't start with something very similar to, "Webster's third International dictionary defines graduation as...".
ha ha my dad's a #1 but doesn't say it loud enough for all to hear. but is definitely a #6 and does it the loudest.not only once,but to all reletives one by one after each finally finds him
Ahh, it seems the writers at Holy Taco have forgotten the most obvious event at a graduation ceremony...Graduating. Never the less, this article was hilarious and entertaining.
(99 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
May 20th, 2009 at 05:14 pm
Devry...hahahahaha
May 21st, 2009 at 01:45 pm
You know how to turn on a computer?
May 19th, 2009 at 06:34 pm
Black people will have the highest percentage of cheering on their graduate out of turn and over someone else's name. Though this is more prominent in high school.
May 19th, 2009 at 06:54 pm
Funny because it's true.
May 19th, 2009 at 08:50 pm
true story nailed it right on the head
May 19th, 2009 at 09:53 pm
Well, that is because so few of them actually graduate. And so few in black families have achieved such a feat. IT is a celebration for them.
May 20th, 2009 at 04:37 am
best social insight ever
May 20th, 2009 at 02:32 am
You must be the racist relative.
Television Spy
May 19th, 2009 at 07:19 pm
You forgot the speaker who goes, "as Ralph Waldo Emerson once said . . . "
May 20th, 2009 at 12:11 am
This is awesome. Whose idea was it to have graduation outdoors in late May with everyone wearing black robes and caps, anyway? No wonder most of the people I know say "fuck it, just mail me the damn diploma" and spend graduation weekend out on the river in an innertube getting hammered and looking at 21 year-old girls in bikinis.
May 20th, 2009 at 05:46 am
Crazy. In the second entry, the picture shows the actual dumb-ass high school I went to, which is probably one of the worst in America: Port Neches-Groves High or PNG. Probably the most back-water and ignorant school in America.
May 20th, 2009 at 06:57 am
do you know Janet?
May 21st, 2009 at 12:42 am
I "know" Janet, who knew if You had an abortion the folks will buy you a dodge neon before you go off to MSU........
July 20th, 2009 at 12:42 am
Oh honey.IF you went to PNG You know the most ignorent school in America.It's just a little away.And it's called WEST ORANGE.PNG is like so much better.
May 20th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
This list is so off. The only one I had to think about was #6.
May 21st, 2009 at 08:13 am
"As Henry David Thoreau once wrote..."
May 24th, 2009 at 05:52 am
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June 4th, 2009 at 06:07 am
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June 9th, 2009 at 03:27 am
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June 13th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
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June 15th, 2009 at 11:26 am
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June 9th, 2009 at 07:28 pm
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June 15th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Too bad you wont be for long
June 10th, 2009 at 03:19 pm
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June 13th, 2009 at 07:16 am
disabled people should find graduating easier since they spend less time outside. I wrong ?
June 13th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
You'll die from a javelin thrown at a paralympics game. Actually, wait, you won't. Coz it'll take off your wee wee and spare you your "abled" life.
July 14th, 2009 at 12:41 am
are u mentally retarded
June 14th, 2009 at 10:49 am
•
June 14th, 2009 at 11:01 am
These comments suck!
June 18th, 2009 at 09:41 am
i loled ad da reasons soooo hard i couldnt breathe!
June 18th, 2009 at 09:48 am
The only thing of those that happened at mine was someone having a sign...
We had a partial streaker. As soon as he got his diploma (different guy), he took off his gown, stripped down to his skivvies, and with the biggest smile on his face, walked back to his seat. He was later on, or corse, arrested. A year of probation and X number of hours of community service. Totally worth it.
July 13th, 2009 at 02:53 pm
Glad to see recent college/high school graduates are able to spell complex phrases like "or corse". Of course, we live in the US and spell check exists...wait...even the spell check here says "corse" isn't a word....hmm...
July 18th, 2009 at 12:30 am
You're a dick, of course. How about that? Wow, and I didn't even graduate from college.
June 20th, 2009 at 02:36 pm
thank youu
Film izle
June 20th, 2009 at 02:37 pm
thank you
Lez Sohbet
June 20th, 2009 at 02:39 pm
thank you
Muhabbet
June 21st, 2009 at 09:08 am
I wish Seth Mcfarlane gave my Graduation Speech. His speech at Harvard was amazing. Mine was some women who wrote a book about monkeys. Check out the clips here of the Seth Mcfarlanes Speech...
http://www.precioustimeny.com/blog/?p=1240
July 3rd, 2009 at 09:04 pm
Well, that is because so few of them actually graduate. And so few in black families have achieved such a feat. IT is a celebration for them.Christian Louboutin Shoes
July 5th, 2009 at 07:08 am
They forgot number 8 "When you find out the hot girl you always wanted to date is live on Tranny Sex Cams!!!
July 13th, 2009 at 03:16 am
would never happen because such as graduations are only in stupid america :)
July 15th, 2009 at 05:46 pm
WHAT ABOUT THE PREGNANT TEEN MOMS
July 16th, 2009 at 05:27 pm
Half of these things happened at my sister's graduation. In fact the racist things happen constantly but is rarely apologized for. Can't wait to see what happens at mine :D
July 24th, 2009 at 09:02 pm
You forgot "Someone Will Walk Across the Stage in a Cowboy Hat."
August 3rd, 2009 at 07:25 pm
wow after the long comment i didnt have enough brain power to read the rest... wow i feel stupid
August 9th, 2009 at 02:02 pm
You missed "Someone's speech will quote the dictionary". I haven't been to a graduation yet where at least one speech didn't start with something very similar to, "Webster's third International dictionary defines graduation as...".
August 10th, 2009 at 03:52 am
ha ha my dad's a #1 but doesn't say it loud enough for all to hear. but is definitely a #6 and does it the loudest.not only once,but to all reletives one by one after each finally finds him
August 16th, 2009 at 09:43 pm
Ahh, it seems the writers at Holy Taco have forgotten the most obvious event at a graduation ceremony...Graduating. Never the less, this article was hilarious and entertaining.
Cheers,
Aurthur
August 18th, 2009 at 09:41 pm
fuck niggers. get high.
November 4th, 2009 at 09:28 pm
I was flashed by the drunks. Half good, half bad. Guess what was which..
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