Ikea is a reliable source of low-cost, build-it-yourself furniture for the masses. It allows you to have nice looking furniture, without having to spend a fortune. But, you have to put it together, and since most of us are incapable of putting together anything with more than two pieces, there tends to be some struggling and frustration. Here are 7 things that you're sure to say while assembling something from Ikea:
We’re all lucky that Ikea doesn’t make life boats. If they did, we would constantly be finding dead bodies at sea, clinging lifelessly to a boat with no bottom and three oars. Ikea tries to be thoughtful and accommodating by including a small assortment of spare parts with your furniture, just in case you happen to lose something. The problem is that you’re always going to be missing a part, and it’s never going to be a piece that has a replacement included. You can have thirty of those weird little wooden peg things, and that’s still not going to make up for the fact that your dresser doesn’t have a top drawer.
A piece of Ikea furniture is a lot like a penis: you never intend to have something really heavy sitting on top of it, but at some point it's going to happen. You usually realize this when you've lifted the entire finished piece of furniture with two fingers of one hand, like you're in an X-Men film and you're just discovering that you have mutant powers. That's when you take a closer look at what the furniture is made of, only to find that, much like Paris Hilton, it's completely hollow, and the people responsible for its creation clearly didn't give a shit.
It’s common knowledge that a few hours of intense frustration, when mixed with physical exertion, results in racial epithets. Unfortunately for us, Ikea is a Swedish company, and most of us don’t know much about Sweden, aside from the fact that their bikini team is pretty good, and they used to be vikings. Both of those things are unquestionably awesome, so we’re forced to fall back on our tried-and-true insult tactic: name-calling. The phrase “F*&king Swedish Motherf*&kers!” will come up repeatedly during the construction process, mostly because that weird little unpronounceable Swedish name on the front of the manual will be mocking you throughout the entire process.
Inevitably, just as you're about to attach the last piece of your furniture, you realize that the reason it won't fit is because one of the other pieces is upside down. It's Ikea's version of an M. Night Shyamalan film: five seconds from finishing, a suprise revelation makes you realize you've just wasted two hours of your life. Feelings of anger, confusion, and self-hate wash over you like a blind child that's stumbled into the wave pool at a local water park.
No man can look at himself in the mirror and be okay with the fact that he called Ikea because he couldn't figure out how to put a shelf together. On the embarrassing manhood scale, it rates somewhere between "getting an erection during a massage from a man" and "actively finding parallels between your current life situation and the theme song from the show Friends (hey, you are still in bed at 10, and work did begin at 8!). The problem is that you can't figure out how to put this piece of shit together, and you secretly need your girlfriend to call Ikea. You just have to go on record stating that you think it's a bad idea, so that you won't look stupid later. It's called "The Hillary Clinton Theory".
Aaah, the crank thingy. Just like a DMV employee, it has no emotions and it never seems like it's actually working. This, of course, makes you project your frustrations onto a loved one who's helping you put the furniture together. Then, at some point, with each creaky turn of the crank thingy, it's like a thousand Dane Cooks performing a bit on soap dispensers all at once. You snap, and demand that your boyfriend or girlfriend relinquish the crank thingy and let you try, as if somehow the way you turn your wrist in a circular motion is far more effective than the way that they do it.
Everyone's got something that they hold against their boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife. Y'know, that one attack that you'll only bring up under the most dire of circumstances, when you've lost all hope in humanity? Eventually, after hours of grueling Ikea-related frustration, it's going to boil to the surface. Whether it's an asshole family member, an idiot friend, or an annoying pet, it's eventually going to take the blame for any assembly-related difficulties that you encounter, and suddenly you'll find yourself buried way too deep in an argument that has nothing to do with low-cost, build-it-yourself furniture. The good news is that, after such a heated shouting match, a few hours of furniture assembly will be a welcome departure. The bad news is that, if you happen to be trying to assemble an Ikea couch, you're not going to have anywhere to sleep tonight.
Yeah I put together the Ikea particle accelerator...it even came with a spare reactor but it wasn't all that hard. I've been making anti-matter all day.
Yeahh
U are getting it all right!!
Having missing things as nr1 is so true.
Even if nothing u buy at ikea acctual are from Sweden. Maybe the cardboard box u got u´r things in and the name.
But all things that ikea sells goes by Sweden, and as we Swedes don´t have been at war in 600 years. We are getting so bored that we open all boxes and take a few screws or some other thing before we ship them out to you.
So that you getting mad because something is missing are a well planned evil strategy to let out some steam. So our Wiking blood don´t do anything worse. =o)
"Don´t call Ikea if something are missing - Call the Asian that made it* I don´t call usa when my German made Ford is broken"
Like Criddler said; putting an IKEA piece of furniture is piss easy really =/ Always look forward to go buy useless shit and then having to put it together.
Hmm to make matters worse, here in Sweden we have a even worse store to go to; "Jysk". IKEA atleast provide you with some sort of easy instructions.. "Jysk" provides a drawing made by a Chinese child with one finger left, picturing something completly diffrent then that bed, cd case or whatever you hade you mind set to.
In most cases "jysk" also dosen´t provide any spare parts. And sure as hell the part thats missing is not only vital its out of stock in every store from here to their factory in you-pick-former-USSR-country.
To make matters worse; Noone has ever managed to put togheter anything from Jysk without losing atleast one of their loved ones...
I always have pieces left over. A mate of mine found out that the allen keys they give you work wonderfully with the locks on most schools especially our local college.
You could use them to lock or open the doors with those big push handles. He used to use them for all sorts of stupid pranks.
reasons i hate ikea
1) the thing falls apart after 3 months and you have to get a new one
2) it seems you never get out of that store, its like a maze
and forces you to get crap you dont need and that you cant fit in your car after
3) who the hell likes to eat that food they serve in the store
4) my ex girlfriend is dating a guy that works in IKEA
5)i once got a piece of furniture that i saw 1 month later at half price at another store (so there saying there cheaper , yeh right)
thing i like about ikea
every time i get something i can puzzel for an 60 min and at the end i can release all of my anger from the hole week on the f**king thing by using a BIG f**king hammer.
fukin eh man fuuuucckkk how many pieces have been missin i build shit for a living havent been fired so i obviously know what i'm doin but yet ikea always brings out the worst im me
Your article is exactly right. IKEA employ no-one to write instruction manuals. They assume that their gardener or night janitor knows what to do. So they shut up shop and leave, pushing the viking boat out and going raiding, laughing all the way and eating meatballs. My surname means 'nightmare', and IKEA called to ask if I was a technical author. I said that I am a retired, disabled waste of space and they said the job is mine.
It's true. If you can't figure out how to assemble Ikea furniture just stab your idiot self in the eye and get a clue. Dumbass.
But it does lead to these arguments.
and it's ALL hilarious XD
(45 Comments)
Twitter
Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
May 27th, 2009 at 11:06 am
no offense but if you can't put together a piece of shit from ikea you should probably just go live in a cave or hut.
May 27th, 2009 at 11:11 am
yeah i was gonna say, putting stuff together from Ikea is actually pretty damn easy
May 27th, 2009 at 11:42 am
put. together. a bed.
and then come post to me.
May 27th, 2009 at 11:56 am
I have put together a bed...with no help. It really wasn't difficult.
May 27th, 2009 at 03:24 pm
Yeah I put together the Ikea particle accelerator...it even came with a spare reactor but it wasn't all that hard. I've been making anti-matter all day.
May 27th, 2009 at 03:42 pm
so much win... so much
May 28th, 2009 at 08:30 am
It really isn't.
May 27th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Fairly Easy indeed.
You Missed one though.
#8 "Shut the f*ck up already, those pieces are extra and they are SUPPOSED to be there you dumb shit!"
May 27th, 2009 at 11:43 am
I agree, DMV employees suck giant Swedish viking dick.
May 27th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
I've done the upside down one many a times. And every time I want to punch something
May 27th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Awww, you put together a bad all by yourself, your such a big boy! Now if you can stop pissing in it at night.......
May 27th, 2009 at 01:07 pm
Ikea stuff is cheap, and therfore it suxs. Buy something else.
May 27th, 2009 at 01:30 pm
How about "These fucking holes don't line up!?! ARGH!!"
May 27th, 2009 at 04:02 pm
so true
May 27th, 2009 at 03:14 pm
In the end, cheap decent furniture beats all the frustration; it will keep you coming back always buying more.
May 27th, 2009 at 04:19 pm
When it doesn't work out take it back in exchange for some rancid meatballs and a wobbly cd rack.
May 27th, 2009 at 04:53 pm
spot on but lost it about half way there.
May 27th, 2009 at 05:38 pm
Yeahh
U are getting it all right!!
Having missing things as nr1 is so true.
Even if nothing u buy at ikea acctual are from Sweden. Maybe the cardboard box u got u´r things in and the name.
But all things that ikea sells goes by Sweden, and as we Swedes don´t have been at war in 600 years. We are getting so bored that we open all boxes and take a few screws or some other thing before we ship them out to you.
So that you getting mad because something is missing are a well planned evil strategy to let out some steam. So our Wiking blood don´t do anything worse. =o)
"Don´t call Ikea if something are missing - Call the Asian that made it* I don´t call usa when my German made Ford is broken"
Oki
This could be a joke!
May 28th, 2009 at 06:46 am
Nice verb tense
December 19th, 2009 at 06:05 pm
Fear the Wikings.
May 27th, 2009 at 07:28 pm
I did #4 once. put the whole mother f'er upside down and didn't realize it until i was almost done. I almost threw that POS shelf-thing out the window
May 28th, 2009 at 12:27 am
Oh God this could not have come at a better time. I put together a simple bed from IKEA yesterday and went through 6 of the 7 in no time flat.
May 28th, 2009 at 12:50 am
Ikea's from the land of the most Beautiful Blonde MILFs...
May 31st, 2009 at 05:35 pm
Is is hard thinking of something totally unrelated to the topic to advertise a bunch of whores?
May 28th, 2009 at 02:58 am
Like Criddler said; putting an IKEA piece of furniture is piss easy really =/ Always look forward to go buy useless shit and then having to put it together.
May 28th, 2009 at 07:04 am
Hmm to make matters worse, here in Sweden we have a even worse store to go to; "Jysk". IKEA atleast provide you with some sort of easy instructions.. "Jysk" provides a drawing made by a Chinese child with one finger left, picturing something completly diffrent then that bed, cd case or whatever you hade you mind set to.
In most cases "jysk" also dosen´t provide any spare parts. And sure as hell the part thats missing is not only vital its out of stock in every store from here to their factory in you-pick-former-USSR-country.
To make matters worse; Noone has ever managed to put togheter anything from Jysk without losing atleast one of their loved ones...
May 28th, 2009 at 08:03 am
Agreed. +1 Kyle.
May 28th, 2009 at 08:05 am
You should've added though:
#8 - FUCK! Can't we just go get furniture from Pier 1? We're not in college anymore you idiot!
May 28th, 2009 at 08:59 am
I always have pieces left over. A mate of mine found out that the allen keys they give you work wonderfully with the locks on most schools especially our local college.
You could use them to lock or open the doors with those big push handles. He used to use them for all sorts of stupid pranks.
---
free php hosting
May 28th, 2009 at 09:59 am
i know what you mean guys
xbox: installation fail
http://www.epiclosers.com/load/8-1-0-395
May 28th, 2009 at 11:12 am
This rules..
I always knew Vikings were f*cking evil..
May 28th, 2009 at 01:52 pm
I always say: "This is your life, ending one second at a time..."
So does this DRUNK BASTARD:
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/videos/168
May 28th, 2009 at 02:14 pm
reasons i hate ikea
1) the thing falls apart after 3 months and you have to get a new one
2) it seems you never get out of that store, its like a maze
and forces you to get crap you dont need and that you cant fit in your car after
3) who the hell likes to eat that food they serve in the store
4) my ex girlfriend is dating a guy that works in IKEA
5)i once got a piece of furniture that i saw 1 month later at half price at another store (so there saying there cheaper , yeh right)
thing i like about ikea
every time i get something i can puzzel for an 60 min and at the end i can release all of my anger from the hole week on the f**king thing by using a BIG f**king hammer.
May 28th, 2009 at 05:43 pm
Put together:
3 beds,
1 dresser
2 nightstands
7 bookshelves
3 coffee tables
2 couches
1 chair + footstool
1 tv stand
8 light sets
Trouble had:
None.
May 30th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
Work for Ikea much?
June 1st, 2009 at 10:26 am
Well, aren't you just the fuckin' shit. Where should Holy Taco send your medal?
June 5th, 2009 at 09:34 am
fukin eh man fuuuucckkk how many pieces have been missin i build shit for a living havent been fired so i obviously know what i'm doin but yet ikea always brings out the worst im me
May 28th, 2009 at 09:00 pm
try putting sh*t together as part of a drinking game.... way more fun but still turns out sh*tty!!!!
June 3rd, 2009 at 01:58 pm
ikea is shit. even their little, shitty rancid meatballs fall apart.
June 6th, 2009 at 02:14 pm
those are some HUGE hips, fat girls shouldn't get pictures taken of them next to thin things
June 7th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
They forgot one Why are there no fucking words on the instructions just shitty ass pictures
June 9th, 2009 at 01:53 pm
you people are all fucking crazy! I love it!
October 19th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Your article is exactly right. IKEA employ no-one to write instruction manuals. They assume that their gardener or night janitor knows what to do. So they shut up shop and leave, pushing the viking boat out and going raiding, laughing all the way and eating meatballs. My surname means 'nightmare', and IKEA called to ask if I was a technical author. I said that I am a retired, disabled waste of space and they said the job is mine.
February 8th, 2010 at 04:43 am
How about the "This isn't what it looked like when we ordered it! Wtf?!"
February 9th, 2010 at 06:17 am
It's true. If you can't figure out how to assemble Ikea furniture just stab your idiot self in the eye and get a clue. Dumbass.
But it does lead to these arguments.
and it's ALL hilarious XD
Post new comment