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7 Things You Say While Assembling Something From Ikea

Ikea is a reliable source of low-cost, build-it-yourself furniture for the masses.  It  allows you to have nice looking furniture, without having to spend a fortune.  But, you have to put it together, and since most of us are incapable of putting together anything with more than two pieces, there tends to be some struggling and frustration.  Here are 7 things that you’re sure to say while assembling something from Ikea:
 
We’re all lucky that Ikea doesn’t make life boats.  If they did, we would constantly be finding dead bodies at sea, clinging lifelessly to a boat with no bottom and three oars. Ikea tries to be thoughtful and accommodating by including a small assortment of spare parts with your furniture, just in case you happen to lose something. The problem is that you’re always going to be missing a part, and it’s never going to be a piece that has a replacement included.  You can have thirty of those weird little wooden peg things, and that’s still not going to make up for the fact that your dresser doesn’t have a top drawer.
 

 
 
A piece of Ikea furniture is a lot like a penis: you never intend to have something really heavy sitting on top of it, but at some point it’s going to happen.  You usually realize this when you’ve lifted the entire finished piece of furniture with two fingers of one hand, like you’re in an X-Men film and you’re just discovering that you have mutant powers.  That’s when you take a closer look at what the furniture is made of, only to find that, much like Paris Hilton, it’s completely hollow, and the people responsible for its creation clearly didn’t give a shit.
 
 

 
 
 
It’s common knowledge that a few hours of intense frustration, when mixed with physical exertion, results in racial epithets.  Unfortunately for us, Ikea is a Swedish company, and most of us don’t know much about Sweden, aside from the fact that their bikini team is pretty good, and they used to be vikings.  Both of those things are unquestionably awesome, so we’re forced to fall back on our tried-and-true insult tactic: name-calling. The phrase “F*&king Swedish Motherf*&kers!” will come up repeatedly during the construction process, mostly because that weird little unpronounceable Swedish name on the front of the manual will be mocking you throughout the entire process.
 
 
  
Inevitably, just as you’re about to attach the last piece of your furniture, you realize that the reason it won’t fit is because one of the other pieces is upside down.  It’s Ikea’s version of an M. Night Shyamalan film: five seconds from finishing, a suprise revelation makes you realize you’ve just wasted two hours of your life.  Feelings of anger, confusion, and self-hate wash over you like a blind child that’s stumbled into the wave pool at a local water park.
 
 
 
No man can look at himself in the mirror and be okay with the fact that he called Ikea because he couldn’t figure out how to put a shelf together.  On the embarrassing manhood scale, it rates somewhere between "getting an erection during a massage from a man" and "actively finding parallels between your current life situation and the theme song from the show Friends (hey, you are still in bed at 10, and work did begin at 8!).  The problem is that you can’t figure out how to put this piece of shit together, and you secretly need your girlfriend to call Ikea.  You just have to go on record stating that you think it’s a bad idea, so that you won’t look stupid later.  It’s called "The Hillary Clinton Theory".
 
 
 
Aaah, the crank thingy.  Just like a DMV employee, it has no emotions and it never seems like it’s actually working. This, of course, makes you project your frustrations onto a loved one who’s helping you put the furniture together.  Then, at some point, with each creaky turn of the crank thingy, it’s like a thousand Dane Cooks performing a bit on soap dispensers all at once. You snap, and demand that your boyfriend or girlfriend relinquish the crank thingy and let you try, as if somehow the way you turn your wrist in a circular motion is far more effective than the way that they do it.
 
 
 
Everyone’s got something that they hold against their boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife. Y’know, that one attack that you’ll only bring up under the most dire of circumstances, when you’ve lost all hope in humanity?  Eventually, after hours of grueling Ikea-related frustration, it’s going to boil to the surface.   Whether it’s an asshole family member, an idiot friend, or an annoying pet, it’s eventually going to take the blame for any assembly-related difficulties that you encounter, and suddenly you’ll find yourself buried way too deep in an argument that has nothing to do with low-cost, build-it-yourself furniture. The good news is that, after such a heated shouting match, a few hours of furniture assembly will be a welcome departure. The bad news is that, if you happen to be trying to assemble an Ikea couch, you’re not going to have anywhere to sleep tonight.

46 Responses to "7 Things You Say While Assembling Something From Ikea"

  1. Anonymous says:

    Put together:
    3 beds,
    1 dresser
    2 nightstands
    7 bookshelves
    3 coffee tables
    2 couches
    1 chair + footstool
    1 tv stand
    8 light sets

    Trouble had:
    None.

  2. Anonymous says:

    spot on but lost it about half way there.

  3. Ikecrap says:

    I always have pieces left over. A mate of mine found out that the allen keys they give you work wonderfully with the locks on most schools especially our local college.

    You could use them to lock or open the doors with those big push handles. He used to use them for all sorts of stupid pranks.


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  4. That Dude Juan says:

    They forgot one Why are there no fucking words on the instructions just shitty ass pictures

  5. Anonymous says:

    Is is hard thinking of something totally unrelated to the topic to advertise a bunch of whores?

  6. Anonymous says:

    Well, aren’t you just the fuckin’ shit. Where should Holy Taco send your medal?

  7. MadBelgiumese says:

    Like Criddler said; putting an IKEA piece of furniture is piss easy really =/ Always look forward to go buy useless shit and then having to put it together.

  8. Anonymous says:

    I did #4 once. put the whole mother f’er upside down and didn’t realize it until i was almost done. I almost threw that POS shelf-thing out the window

  9. Anonymous says:

    those are some HUGE hips, fat girls shouldn’t get pictures taken of them next to thin things

  10. Horny Chick says:

    Ikea’s from the land of the most Beautiful Blonde MILFs

  11. Anonymous says:

    you people are all fucking crazy! I love it!

  12. Pierre says:

    This rules..

    I always knew Vikings were f*cking evil..

  13. m00ns says:

    Yeahh
    U are getting it all right!!
    Having missing things as nr1 is so true.
    Even if nothing u buy at ikea acctual are from Sweden. Maybe the cardboard box u got u´r things in and the name.
    But all things that ikea sells goes by Sweden, and as we Swedes don´t have been at war in 600 years. We are getting so bored that we open all boxes and take a few screws or some other thing before we ship them out to you.

    So that you getting mad because something is missing are a well planned evil strategy to let out some steam. So our Wiking blood don´t do anything worse. =o)

    “Don´t call Ikea if something are missing – Call the Asian that made it* I don´t call usa when my German made Ford is broken”

    Oki
    This could be a joke!

  14. Markus says:

    i know what you mean guys

    xbox: installation fail
    http://www.epiclosers.com/load/8-1-0-395

  15. Doorang says:

    Hmm to make matters worse, here in Sweden we have a even worse store to go to; “Jysk”. IKEA atleast provide you with some sort of easy instructions.. “Jysk” provides a drawing made by a Chinese child with one finger left, picturing something completly diffrent then that bed, cd case or whatever you hade you mind set to.
    In most cases “jysk” also dosen´t provide any spare parts. And sure as hell the part thats missing is not only vital its out of stock in every store from here to their factory in you-pick-former-USSR-country.
    To make matters worse; Noone has ever managed to put togheter anything from Jysk without losing atleast one of their loved ones…

  16. WOW says:

    Nice verb tense

  17. Sven says:

    Oh God this could not have come at a better time. I put together a simple bed from IKEA yesterday and went through 6 of the 7 in no time flat.

  18. Mike D says:

    Agreed. +1 Kyle.

  19. Mike D says:

    You should’ve added though:

    #8 – FUCK! Can’t we just go get furniture from Pier 1? We’re not in college anymore you idiot!

  20. todders says:

    I always say: “This is your life, ending one second at a time…”

    So does this DRUNK BASTARD:

    http://www.digitalfuntown.com/videos/168

  21. targa says:

    reasons i hate ikea
    1) the thing falls apart after 3 months and you have to get a new one
    2) it seems you never get out of that store, its like a maze
    and forces you to get crap you dont need and that you cant fit in your car after
    3) who the hell likes to eat that food they serve in the store
    4) my ex girlfriend is dating a guy that works in IKEA
    5)i once got a piece of furniture that i saw 1 month later at half price at another store (so there saying there cheaper , yeh right)

    thing i like about ikea
    every time i get something i can puzzel for an 60 min and at the end i can release all of my anger from the hole week on the f**king thing by using a BIG f**king hammer.

  22. Anonymous says:

    try putting sh*t together as part of a drinking game…. way more fun but still turns out sh*tty!!!!

  23. JB says:

    Work for Ikea much?

  24. Anonymous says:

    fukin eh man fuuuucckkk how many pieces have been missin i build shit for a living havent been fired so i obviously know what i’m doin but yet ikea always brings out the worst im me

  25. joey says:

    ikea is shit. even their little, shitty rancid meatballs fall apart.

  26. M Le Cauchemar says:

    Your article is exactly right. IKEA employ no-one to write instruction manuals. They assume that their gardener or night janitor knows what to do. So they shut up shop and leave, pushing the viking boat out and going raiding, laughing all the way and eating meatballs. My surname means ‘nightmare’, and IKEA called to ask if I was a technical author. I said that I am a retired, disabled waste of space and they said the job is mine.

  27. Anonwtf says:

    Fear the Wikings.

  28. Chad says:

    How about the “This isn’t what it looked like when we ordered it! Wtf?!”

  29. Njoo says:

    It’s true. If you can’t figure out how to assemble Ikea furniture just stab your idiot self in the eye and get a clue. Dumbass.
    But it does lead to these arguments.
    and it’s ALL hilarious XD

  30. Fucking Swedes says:

    I don’t care what anyone says — I put together two book shelves and an entertainment center for my mother over memorial day weekend. Ikea’s shit is fucking retarded. You left one off:

    “This would be a lot fucking easier if they MARKED THEIR GODDAMN PIECES”. Fuck, they could put a fucking FISH on the goddamn thing, so long as I know they meant a FISH when they showed it on the instruction guide.

    Ikea can suck my dick and I’ll draw them an instruction book to fit the whole goddamn thing in. Yeah, I put it together, but you have to be a fucking retard to say “this is the easiest thing ever”, or just some dick-fucked dumbass that thinks he’s cool because he did it.

    Either way, you too can suck my dick. Right after Ikea gets done with it.

  31. Mikey says:

    so much win… so much

  32. meh says:

    It really isn’t.

  33. Berbalerbs says:

    put. together. a bed.

    and then come post to me.

  34. meh says:

    I have put together a bed…with no help. It really wasn’t difficult.

  35. Kyle says:

    Yeah I put together the Ikea particle accelerator…it even came with a spare reactor but it wasn’t all that hard. I’ve been making anti-matter all day.

  36. Ontopoyamamma says:

    Awww, you put together a bad all by yourself, your such a big boy! Now if you can stop pissing in it at night…….

  37. Takahashi says:

    In the end, cheap decent furniture beats all the frustration; it will keep you coming back always buying more.

  38. Anonymous says:

    so true

  39. Sum Ting Wong says:

    How about “These fucking holes don’t line up!?! ARGH!!”

  40. jojo says:

    I’ve done the upside down one many a times. And every time I want to punch something

  41. Anonymous says:

    Ikea stuff is cheap, and therfore it suxs. Buy something else.

  42. Casey says:

    When it doesn’t work out take it back in exchange for some rancid meatballs and a wobbly cd rack.

  43. Gainer says:

    Fairly Easy indeed.

    You Missed one though.

    #8 “Shut the f*ck up already, those pieces are extra and they are SUPPOSED to be there you dumb shit!”

  44. The Criddler says:

    no offense but if you can’t put together a piece of shit from ikea you should probably just go live in a cave or hut.

  45. Anonymous says:

    yeah i was gonna say, putting stuff together from Ikea is actually pretty damn easy

  46. Buddy Ice says:

    I agree, DMV employees suck giant Swedish viking dick.