Picking up girls at a bar is hard enough as it is. To make matters worse, single men have to be on constant lookout for the infamous cockblocker. The modern cockblocker can manifest in many forms, and being able to identify and manage a cockblocker can mean the difference between a successful night, and one where you go home alone, eat chips and salsa by yourself, and watch Children of Men on cable one and a half times before passing out. Here are 7 common cockblockers to look out for:
1. The Gay Friend
In the NFL, there’s a reason why you never trade a player to a team you’re going to face later on in the season: he knows everything you’re going to try, and he’s going to tell the other team, and suddenly you’re losing 37-0 in the fourth quarter, and you’re standing on the sidelines thinking, "how the f*ck did this happen?" The Gay Friend knows your moves, because at the end of the day you both want the same thing: to find someone drunk enough to let you stick something in their butt. To make matters worse, unlike the seven girlfriends surrounding your prospective lady, The Gay Friend isn’t catty and backstabbing, because he’s not trying to go for the same wiener that she is. Consequently, he has no problem looking out for her at all costs. This means that you’ll have to come prepared with a few trick plays, or have the most dedicated wingman in the entire world.
2. The Plutonic Male Friend
Every girl has a male friend who she’s not romantically involved with, but who desperately wants to f*ck her. He’s probably been friends with her for years, and may have even made out with her once or twice, when she was really drunk and without any other viable options. He’s fiercely protective of her, because he honestly believes that someday she’ll give up on finding someone that she actually finds attractive and settle for him. To you, he’s like the river of lava that blocked the road to town in Dante’s Peak, and you’ll have to handle him the same way that Pierce Brosnan handled that road: just put it into four-wheel drive, get a running start, and force your way through it.
3. The Man-Hater Friend
There are two different sub-categories of Man-haters: the Man-haters who always hate men (a.k.a., "The Rosie O’Donnell"), and the Man-haters who hate men because they recently got dumped. Either way, a Man-hater will do everything in their power to stop you from banging their friend. Man-haters are typically fat and ugly, and they live by one simple rule: "if nobody wants to f*ck me, then no one is f*cking you, either." They usually speak for their more attractive friends by using the pronoun "we" frequently. "We want to be left alone", "we didn’t ask you to sit down", and "we’d like three orders of nachos" are all common Man-hater phrases, and all can be roughly translated to: "I’m fat and miserable, and I will have terrible gas later, but at least I won’t be the only one who doesn’t get f*cked tonight."
4. The "Girls’ Night Out" Group
Like a sexy lesbian pillow fight, it was decided long before this night started that men were not even going to be involved in the equation. The "Girls’ Night Out" group is sure to have at least two members who’s sole purpose is to block cocks like they’re the Stealer’s offensive line. This night has been advertised and discussed within the group all week, and the last thing any girl wants is to be the one that strays from her "Girls’ Night Out" friends to talk to you. If you do manage to somehow make it past the initial layer of Cockblockers and pull one away, there’s no chance in hell you’re taking her home. The girls in a "Girls’ Night Out" group think like Marines: they’re all going in together, and if anybody tries to f*ck one of them, the rest of them are going to beat the shit out of him.
5. Your Drunk Friend
Sometimes your best friends can become your worst enemies. If your friend is drunk to the point that he’s acting belligerant, annoying, or otherwise idiotic in any way, you’ll be considered guilty by association. You’ll need to wriggle out of that situation in order to stand a chance. Your best bet is to make light of the situation, and then follow that with a very dark, dismal explanation of why your friend needs to get super drunk. For example, after your drunk friend gropes your target girl, mumbles something absolutely disgusting to her, and then stumbles away, just laugh and say, "Oh, man. Ol’ Pete’s really going to town tonight. He deserves it, though. If my parents had just told me that they weren’t my real parents, and that they found me stuck in the bottom of a porta-potty when I was two, I’d probably want to get pretty wasted, too. The fact is, I’m the only family he has left now."
6. Your Drunk Self
Alcohol is to you like Ben Affleck is to any movie: in small amounts, it can be enjoyable, but as soon as it takes over, everything turns to shit real fast. People around you start saying things like "This has gotten embarassing. We should just go." When you’re that drunk, or what I like to call "Reindeer Games wasted", you cease to be cool and begin to sabotage the shit out of yourself. Normally, this occurs because you end up taking a harmless joke or topic way too far. The girl you’re sloppily talking up might say something like, "Yeah, my girlfriends and I come here a lot," to which you’ll respond: "Ha! I usually come in my fuggin’ bafroom, you know watta I mean? Haha! Talkin’ ’bout jerkin to the off. Get it?"
7. A Baby
The sound of a baby crying will instantly make a vagina dryer than a 1980′s BBC sitcom. If you’ve made it all the way back to your prospective lady’s apartment to find that she’s got a little one sleeping at home, your best bet is to take the Benny Hill approach: put on some soft music and speed things up as quickly as possible, because once that baby wakes up and starts crying, you’re defenseless. It’s like Lebron James: it can’t be stopped, and there’s no way it’s going to shake your hand if it loses.