Thanks to people like me and you, the English language is constantly being buggered every which way. When fools aren’t stomping it to unrecognizable pieces in text messages and Facebook updates, the rest of us are tittering at words that used to be perfectly acceptable and useful in casual conversation that now mean nothing but smutty smut. Oh you!
Used to Be: an adjective that meant rigidly upright or straight. Could also be a verb referring to construction.
Now it Means: Boner. In fairness the word still does, in fact, mean what it used to mean but the first thing anyone is going to think of when you say it is boner. And if you’re a construction company and you talk about erecting a building, people will giggle. If you’re a science teacher and you tell kids about homo erectus, oh man, that’s a joke.
Used to be: a tool that applies steam to something.
Now it Means: Gross. It’s just gross. You can tell how much time someone spends on the internet by whether or not they laugh at this word. If you read it and don’t get where I’m going, you have a life outside and bless your soul. You’re a decent person. If you laughed you know it’s because I’m about to reference Cleveland, and then the act of pooping on another human being.
If you don’t get what I mean, that sentence horrified you beyond belief. But just remember that every time you hear someone giggle at the word steamer. They’re thinking about pooping on you.
Used to be: When you balled up your hand like you wanted to punch something.
Now it Means: When you ball up your hand to do something decidedly different. Indeed, the sex act known as fisting has come a long way from Eastern European warehouse porn shoots and the grim corners of Michigan to being something fairly well known in most circles if something we still won’t usually talk about at a family dinner. But for real, you knew what I meant, right? Of course you did.
Used to be: Something surprising or unexpected. Kind of still means that.
Now it Means: Two in the pink, one in the stink. Two in the goo, one in the poo. Two in the slit, one in the shit. Two in the gush, one in the tush. Two in the sloppy, one in the ploppy. Yeah, it’s a hand gesture.
Used to Be: Something heavy or bulky. Or the act of putting something into something else, like loading the trunk.
Now it Means: That we’re all filthy. What kind of a load are you talking about? A load of shit? A pantload? A nasty load of man gravy? Those are all equally viable and equally gross options. And by gross I mean funny.
Used to Be: To become or be open wide. More or less.
Now it Means: Pretty much the same thing, only directly in reference to your junk. So a gaping ass or a gaping vag. Isn’t that quaint? That’s where we are. Your junk is flapping open like some kind of barn door.
Used to be: Something you put on your hand to keep it warm. Or a rich republican.
Now it Means: This will qualify as our most obscure entry and you may not even agree with it. You may have never ever heard the word “mitt” used this way but trust me, people do. At least I do. And you should too. Anyway, it means vagina. Have fun with that.