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8 Advanced Robots That Accomplish Lame Things


Today’s guest article is by Andy Green, who has a robot at home that’s mostly just a Fleshlight with a digital timer.

Technology has rocketed us from dumb monkeys who scrape grubs out of wood, to a people on the forefront of really figuring out how to make a dick bigger. It truly is an amazing time. Technologies now exist that have eliminated some harrowing things you face as a human. Communications are more advanced than ever, the walls of the world have been torn down by way of Facebook.  Oh yeah and we useless as shit robots, too.

Gone Are The Days Of Manually De-boning Your Ham

ham robot

Ham. It truly is a masterpiece of a meat. The problem with any meat though is that they grow on a damn bone. Someday technology will figure out how we can start manufacturing boneless animals but until that day comes some brilliant Japanese minds have constructed a robotic being that COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY removes the bone from a ham.  We drank for four hours and couldn’t think of one way this could turn out  badly.

Hey Rubix Cube – F@#K YOU!

rubix cube robot

A treachery that has perplexed the coked up brain of mankind since the 80′s is the bastard enemy of all things good, the Rubix Cube. With it’s cocky cubiness, and dickish mannerisms and down right dumb ass colors, the Rubix Cube has most definitely given nerds something even more frustrating than never knowing the touch of a woman. Gone are your days of horror Rubix Cube, because scientists have devised your harbinger of doom! The Rubik’s cube solving robot.

Now We Can Be Made To Feel Like A Uncultured Dumbshit By Artificial Intelligences!

paul giamatti terminator

Everybody has watched “Sideways” and gone through a wine phase, generally for about as long as it takes to sit through the movie, then quickly felt stupid and ran screaming back to delicious and understandable beer. Wine people are definitely a breed of partakers in booze that overtly try and berate you for not soaking in that hint of nutmeg that was peppered in half way through the fermenting process. It’s usually done very delicately by a man simply known only as Javier. Well rejoice, cuz now a robot can be condescending about wine.

Violinists Everywhere Are About To Become Even Less Employable

violin robot

Ah, Toyota. Not only do they forget to sometimes make your car brakes work, but they also invent things nobody really asked for (even more so than Apple). Case in point: their violin playing robot. The last thing this economy needs is the artificial replacement of working violinists. Think about how many of them will line the streets to play for your change if Toyota unleashes this monstrosity for mass production!

Computers That Get Poorly Written Sitcoms Now Exist


A research team from the Hebrew University in Israel has devised a computer program that can detect sarcasm with a 77% accuracy. So, if you are lonely and have nobody to watch reruns of King of Queens with, buy one of these bad boys and you can totally hang with somebody who gets what you’re into. You’ll totally be the coolest kid on the block.

A Laser Of Immense Power Has Been Invented That Has The Devastating Ability To Pop Balloons

balloon laser

Science fiction has really set the bar pretty high when it comes to lasers. The Death Star can completely erase planets. The evil geniuses behind the Extreme Nexus 95 mW laser pointer have created a laser pen with such a godlike power coursing through it that it can POP BALLOONS WITH VERY LITTLE TROUBLE…cough.  Careful kids, given enough time, this could cause you to squint in annoyance if it gets in your eye.

One Of The Great Problems Facing Humanity Has Been Solved. No Not Interstellar Travel, Sock Folding!

When you think of the vast array of problems that could be solved by robots, a few come to mind. Perhaps a robot that can detect and cure deadly diseases. Or maybe a robot that can seal off Detroit from the rest of the country. A team of visionaries from UC Berkeley have created a robot that can classify and neatly pair socks together. Also, if you watch the video, you might notice that this robot looks like it has the capability to give a mean handjob with little to no feeling of shame later.

Gordon Ramsay Would Definitely Call This One Dimensional  Robo-Chef a Wanker

pancake robot

Robotics and culinary arts…together they sound like a match made in sweet, delicious, artery clogging Heaven. A robot that could prepare countless recipes of amazing cuisine would seriously make the world turn into one big planet filled with people laying on the ground in diabetic comas. The Japanese with all of their amazing offerings in the food world AND their passion for robots have definitely dishonored themselves. They have only built a robot that knows how to make one recipe…pancakes. And who wants to pay thousands of dollars to eat effortless pancakes every single day?
So scientists, next time you’re thinkin’ about designing an advanced android make damn sure it does something sweet. Seriously, like an extremely lifelike vagina.  We don’t even care if the rest of the body looks like the Terminator, as long as the vaginal parts are fully functional.  We have desperately lonely interns here who have been relying for too long on slightly warm ham sandwiches.  C’mon, science!  COME ON!

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