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8 Animals Ruined by Humans

You know who names animals?  People.  A dog didn’t wander into Babylon one day and tell everyone it was called a dog.  The word came from an old English word for a specific kind of canine and then bam!  English has a word for that animal.  So every time we ruin the name of a poor, innocent animal, it’s not that animal’s fault.  It’s our fault.  We looked at that beast and said “that name is something I am about to make obscene” and then there it is.

Beaver

The noble beaver got its name way, way, way back.  Pre English is where you can trace the roots of beaver and it basically just meant brown.  Some kind of brown animal.  It was the worst name ever.  And then, one day, someone saw a beaver pelt, this furry thing with a split in it, and they were like “yes!” and then it became a euphemism for vagina and now the entire country of Canada has to pretend like their national animal is not a vagina or embrace the vagina and there’s no turning back.

Titmouse

I’m going to be honest, I lived most of my life thinking this was an actual mouse.  It is not a mouse.  It’s a bird.  What a stupid name for a bird.  I was thinking a cute little mouse that maybe had a little pink nose and some weird biologist with a boob obsession thought it looked like a nipple or whatever and his buddies just went with it but I guess not.  It’s a bird.  So it was named by an even weirder biologist and is now forever the subject of mockery and titters.  See what I did there?

Cock

You only hear the word cock in foreign markets these days.  Cock flavored soup mix, cock fighting, cock…whatever  I don’t know.  Point is everyone used to use it to mean rooster and then one day in the 1600s it became synonymous with your junk.  I’ m not 100% sure how, but it’s pretty hilarious when you’re a kid and you run across a saying like “cock of the walk” or “cock and bull” because you totally know what it means, man!

Horny Toad

Ha ha, yeah boy!  You want to get that booty!  But not really.  In a curious turn of logic, the horny toad has horns on it, and it was named in just a really explicitly obvious way.  Except that it’s not really a toad and people want you to call it a Horned Lizard.  But come on.  It’s horny.  It makes more sense to call this thing horny than yourself when you want to have sex because just try to figure out the logic of the term “horny.”  You can’t.  But it doesn’t matter because this lizard is now and forever presumed to be anxious to get laid.  Little Dickens.

Blue-Footed Booby

Ha ha ha!  Booby!  Look at that friggin’ thing!

Sperm Whale

The poor sperm whale just can’t get a break.  It got its terrible name from an organ in its head, the spermaceti organ.  What’s a spermaceti organ?  It’s an organ full of oily, waxy shit that was originally mistaken for whale sperm, hence the clever name.  In point of fact, no one even knows what the spermaceti does – maybe it’s for buoyancy, maybe it helps with echolocation, but it doesn’t matter.  It looks like spooge and then the whale got named after it.

Dik-dik

The dik-dik is a tiny antelope made tons more hilarious because its small and it’s named dik-dik.  Isn’t that just an appropriate name for a really tiny dick?  Well it’s not.  It’s actually named after the sound the animal makes when it’s alarmed and running away, which is a whole new kind of hilarious. Not a lot of animals yell “dik-dik” when they’re scared unless they’re in prison

Cockchafer

Probably the best named animal on earth, the cockchafer is a beetle that is obviously named after an issue associated with chronic masturbation.  How did this ever come to pass?  We can only imagine.

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