It’s
Summer again, and that means it’s
vacation season. Every year, millions of people venture out into the world to embark on vacations, and millions more annoy the shit out of those vacationers. Here are 8 annoying people that you’ll encounter on your next vacation:
The Flight Attendant
There’s a good chance that you’ll be flying to your vacation destination, which means that you’ll have to deal with the Annoying Flight Attendant. This person will either be a horribly over-enthusiastic gay man or a washed up, middle-aged, single mother of three kids who hates her life and is praying for this plane to crash so that she can be free of her nightmarish existence. If it’s the gay guy, then you can expect an overload of Glee references, none of which you’ll understand because. since you’re not a gay 14-year old boy, you do not watch Glee. If it’s the middle-aged woman, expect to get a Sierra Mist thrown in your lap because you slightly resemble her deadbeat ex-husband, in that you’re a man and you have arms, "just like he did".
How to Combat Them: Get wasted on the plane. They’ll appreciate the tips, and you’ll appreciate not knowing what the hell is happening for a few hours.
Your Overly-Prepared Friend
Whenever you go on vacation with friends, there’s always one acquaintence that goes overboard on preparedness. If you break your arm, they’ll have a splint and a first aid kit. If you start thinking that you’d like some Chex Mix, he/she will hand you a little ziploc bag full of it. If you accidentally get chlamydia from a tranny hooker, they’ll have some sort of miracle vaccine that they mixed up in the hotel sink the night before. This friend sounds like a great addition to your vacationing team, but unfortunately there’s a downside: they’ve also worked out a detailed minute-by-minute schedule of everything that you need to do while on this vacation, including alotted times for meals, sleep, and even bathroom breaks, and they expect you to adhere strictly to it. These are the types of people who just "go missing" on vacation.
How to Combat Them: Y’know all the things you always want to say to your boss but can’t? Well you can speak freely with this friend, because you can’t get fired from "hanging out at Disneyland after getting trashed in the parking lot all morning".
The Creepy Guy at the Hotel Pool
This guy is not only super-annoying, but he’s also probably a sex offender. He seems innocent enough at first. He just hangs around the pool all day long sipping fruity drinks and wearing an oversized straw hat, but he also spends the entire day eye-raping every girl who comes within view. It doesn’t matter if they’re young, old, alone, spoken for, cute, grossly obese, or mannish. As long as she’s got tits in her swimsuit, his eyes are locked in like a patriot missile heading for a school full of "terrorists".
How to Combat Him: Out-creep the Creeper. Find a place that’s clearly within his line of sight, and then just stare the shit out of him. A taste of his own medicine is sure to scare him off. A word of warning, though: once he leaves, you have to stop staring. Otherwise you become the creepy guy at the pool.
The Hotel Desk Clerk
When you and your friends walk into the hotel, the Hotel Desk Clerk doesn’t even see you. All he sees is a big red flag, and for good reason: there’s no way that anything good is going to come from you and your friends crashing in this hotel for the week. He knows that he’ll have to be the guy who chases you down when you’re running naked through the halls singing the theme song to Step by Step. He knows that you’re going to call the front desk every night at 3am asking him to bring up some "dirty hot bitches to bang". Is he judging you? Yes. Is he absolutely right? You bet your ass he is.
How to Combat Him: Strength in numbers. He’ll be able to chase one, or maybe two of you through the halls, but if there’s 5 of you running through the halls naked, and if you’re all singing different 90′s TV theme songs, then he’ll be completely powerless.
The Waiter at the Tourist Trap Restaurant
This guy is the ultimate asshole, because his whole job revolves around screwing you over and getting the most money possible for it. Behind that fake smile and ill-fitting sailor hat is a high school drop out who’s most likely high on meth and definitely just finished finger-banging the under-aged waitress in the meat locker. So before you take any travel tips from this smelly-fingered tweaker, think about why he’s smiling so much, even though he’s working at a shitty crab shack for minimum wage.
How to Combat Him: His power is rooted in the fact that you’re an outsider, but when facing a local, he’s completely ineffective. Just learn a few local town names before dining. Then, when he asks you "where you all are from", just answer with one of those local towns. He won’t f*ck with you if he thinks there’s a chance that you could come back and beat his ass later.
The Tour Bus Driver
Think of any time in your life when you had to get a ride from someone you didn’t know. Whether it’s a taxi, a tow truck, or even a limosine, it’s always awkward. Now consider the fact that the Tour Bus Driver chooses to put him/herself in that position multiple times every day. It’s a dream job for a crazy person who thrives on awkwardness. Additionally, this person has the power to kidnap you at any moment. This is not an occupation that’s going to attract the most savory of candidates.
How to Combat Him: Get a f*cking map already, you lazy f*ck!
Drunk Locals
These dudes are the most angry, closed-minded, creepy dudes you will ever come across. If you’re a local in a vacation destination, then you are one of two kinds of people: a person who was born there and is too stupid to get the hell out, or a person who’s retired, had one good vacation there, and is now trying (and failing) to re-create that dream vacation for the rest of your life. No matter which one you are, you’re going to be unhappy, which is why you’re attempting to drown your misery with booze. One thing is for sure: these people are going to take their frustrations out on you as soon as the smell of tourist wafts past their margarita-salted noses.
How to Combat Them: Start by leaving any tourist-related gear (cameras around the neck, fanny packs, flip flops, etc.) in your hotel room. Next, keep your distance from the locals at all costs. Treat them like a tiger covered in blood and just stay away. Finally, don’t ever let them overhear your conversation, because whatever you’re talking about, they’re going to take the opposing position, and immediately after that, they’re going to smash a bottle over your head, just like a tiger. See? That analogy did make sense after all.
Asian Tourists
No matter where you go on your vacation, you’re going to be packed like a sardine among swarms of tiny asian people with big sunglasses and even bigger cameras. You could travel to the summit of Mount Everest, and when you got there, you’d have to wait for a Chinese family of 18 to finish taking their "everyone flash peace signs really close to your face" family portrait, which I really don’t understand for two reasons: a) peace signs are way out of style, and b) even though your intention is to advocate world peace, putting the peace sign that close to your face makes it look like you just got done doing the "eating out a fake vagina" gesture.
How to Combat Them: It’s impossible. There are too many of them. The best you can do is photobomb the shit out of them, and be sure to do slanty eyes in every single picture just for that added pinch of overt, unjustifiable racism.
Courtney Love & Muppet Sexual Assault
Playboy’s Big Dance March Madness Bracket Challenge
Carmine you got da stupidest name eva ! Fuccabutto , dont yall be gettin it ? Fucc a butt o. Fuck a butt lol . Newayz fock yo mama
Wow, this was great. Props man, funny as fuck.
For starters, despite your efforts to paint that flight attendant in a negative light, I would totally do her. Hell yes. Look at her.
I have been that guy in the Hotel halls. Back in my long-hair metal-head days, I had a job that put me and some of the crew in Radisson Bel-Air overnight for free. Wasted out of our minds, we went on the hunt for cigarettes at about 3 AM. There was no way to buy them in the hotel, our one dude who drove had lost his car keys, and four of us fanned out throughout the hotel in our chonies searching for a machine or sumthin’. I was whistling the theme to “My Favorite Martian” (not 90′s, I know) and I heard someone singing but have no idea what it was. Have no recollection of getting back in the room but have crisp memory of waking late and desperately assembling a “bridal fashion show” runway in front of the gathered attendees, occasionally dashing barely out of sight in time to expel the vomit of the damned into the stunningly beautiful landscaped flower arrangements. Showed back up there 2 days later to retrieve a leather jacket I forgot there and was received by flint-faced desk clerk.
Lastly, as someone who lives in a resort town, I have learned a healthy hatred of tourists. They think its Disneyland everywhere so its cool to walk out into the street in front of traffic, stop to group-talk absolutely anywhere, and drive 20 miles below the speed limit so’s they can rubber neck the sights. So now when I vacation at points abroad, I am acutely aware of these behaviors around me. I bring the bag of blood and bottles with me.
I live in Philly amongst the drunk locals;
This is funny as hell and I’m going to share it. I needed a laugh desperately and this totally delivered!
WTF? I watch Glee…
i just have eto say that i love the holytaco staff responses. they are funny! “nope. you haven’t seen this before”. lol…so matter of fact!
hahahah, the asian tourist was the best part.
although irony reversal: when i was at the epcot in orlando last year, there were some fat bitches from Italy taking pictures of each other in front of the Chinese exhibit doing slanty eyes.
fucking european racist cumdumpsters.
it’s ok. you’re a woman … now.
captcha: publican ashkhabads
FUCK YOU CAPTCHA
The one about the Hotel Desk Clerk is totally true.
Dear sweet baby Jesus!!! What makes you think anyone here wants you to tell a fucking story or gives a shit about what you have to say!?!?!
Tour bus drivers are always a crap shoot.
You forgot one, “justin form Holytaco”
SUCK MY MICROSCOPIC DICK YOU FAGMUFFIN!
Last one so doesnt count, asian tourists are cool! if you need another addition , add american tourists.. their annoying as hell >.>
That one about the waiter is actually practical..hence it does not belong in this crappy column.
Hilarious “Lost” parody: http://www.digitalfuntown.com/videos/164
Oh wow, I think you got that right. LOL, good ones dude.
http://www.web-anonymity.cz.tc
You could have worked at least one boob in there. I hope you get some of each other’s cum down the wrong pipe and choke next time you 69.
How about the fucking annoying amerigani eh ? Mingia you Stupid cafones
I saw this one already… what’s with the old shit?
Fake
Da annoyin white cracker ass crackers iz mad annoyin too , so iz da stupid bitches who be travelin thru da world .
All you niggaz who dont think dat my thoughts is welkome , suck my big black cock fuckin whiteboys , but after im done stretchin yo sistas .
White girls give da best heeeaaddd .
Niggaz uuu izz scurrd
I like whiggers. Especially ones that refer to their pasty white genitals as “black.”
” Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out ” Omar Ibn-Battutta B.C 598
” The Death’s field is the mirror which allows us the knowledge of the world we living in ” Darquavius B.C 532
” Fate, is an excuse for why we end up where we do! Our ‘Actions’ predetermine our Destiny, our ‘Reactions’ seal that fate! ” Elgin Smith
Live by thy master’s quotes !
Better a little which is well dome, than a great deal imperfect1y. -Playdough
dumb cunts
CJ by the way I am your master . You can call me massa.
You can call me daddy u fukkin honky.
One question for y’all whites
Why is you so stiff and boring ? Im serial , you peeps is so boooring i cant believe it.
have you every even had a conversation with a real black person?