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8 Celebrities We Liked Better When They Were Fat

(Drew Carey and Jonah Hill. My God, what have you done.)

By Will Levith

Every passing year, it seems like celebrities get even more hung up on the way they look. What was considered thin ten years ago is now intolerably obese. The problem is, there’s no off-season in celebrity culture; the paparazzi or TMZ could swoop in at any time and snap a photo of you at your most self-conscious, so you’d better stay thin all year long just in case there’s a cameraman lurking behind the bushes.

But we at HolyTaco.com have no interest in supporting this unhealthy obsession. Please don’t change, girl who played Precious! Stay plus-plus-plus-sized forever! We loved the fact that there used to be overweight famous people out in the world, because it made us plebes feel better about ourselves. And so, we’ve compiled this list of eight celebs who we actually liked better when they were fat. We beg them all to join us back in the land of the normal and pudgy.

Al Roker

Oh, Al. You were the people’s weatherman. ’Merica’s guy. You had the waistline girth that said “I’m just like you; I’m your TV dad.” You had that stripped-from-The Andy Griffith Show weather send-off, too: “Here’s what’s going on in your neck of the woods.” But then you had to go get one of those gastric bypasses and trim down to a third of how we remembered you. It was as if we were seeing that kid at the end of Big, walking around in adult clothing, many sizes too big for him. We didn’t recognize you anymore. Sure, you still had that goofy voice, which we gather you don’t use with your cleaning lady, but the real you was gone. And then you publicly sharted yourself at the White House. See? That was somebody upstairs telling you that this was all a big, honking mistake. We beg of you, Al: The next time you’re at a steakhouse, eat a triple-sized portion. From there, you will be on the long, golden road to recovery.

Seth Rogen

When we first met Seth Rogen, he was the lovable, sarcastic asshole carrying baby-fat galore on Freaks and Geeks — one of the greatest shows of all time, by the way. We knew that guy, because that guy was us. But just like your Great White Northern pal, Jonah Hill (see below), you got the thin bug, because at some point you wanted to stop being the freak and sit at the cool table. Well, guess what? That hardly ever happens in real life, and look what you’ve done since then? The Guilt Trip with the world’s most over-praised celebrity, Barbra Streisand? Dude: Drink a six-pack, eat some poutine, and stop pretending you’re somebody other than Babe Ruth’s gay brother.

Drew Carey

We saw this segment about Carey on CBS Sunday Morning a while back, and something broke inside us. It was like he had transformed into lowercase drew carey, which for us, wiped clean all the laughs we had watching Whose Line Is It Anyway? and The Drew Carey Show. He looked like a little kid drinking a diet milkshake, something we weren’t prepared to accept. Being big and weird-looking was part of Carey’s persona; being a little wisp of a guy strikes us as someone the old Carey would’ve made fun of in his standup act. You don’t see Louis C.K. slimming down, do you? So listen, the next round of chicken and waffles with lots of extra syrup and pads of salty butter are on us if you’re interested in getting your life back together.

Jennifer Hudson

We loved your story on American Idol — back when the show actually meant something to ordinary people like us and wasn’t the bloated corpse it is now. There was something so real about you; you looked like that girl who used to sit across from us in homeroom and was really good at throwing the shot-put in gym class. But what set you apart from her was your voice, a revelation on the grandest scale. You hit it big on the charts and then in Dreamgirls. The praise came raining in like a June thundershower — and we were completely on board. But then, without asking anybody, you deflated your hot-air balloon body; and in a sense, our interest in your story. Us fat fans had a hero; now we just have a shell of one. [Disclaimer: We will begrudgingly admit that Jennifer looked fine as hell in that Weight Watchers commercial. But still.]

Renée Zellweger

We looked up to you, Renée, we did. Buckets of ice cream and blocks of cheese went down our greedy gobs — all for you. A little extra skin never hurt anybody’s chances of being liked. That was the point of Bridget Jones’s Diary, at least from our perspective. We dug those few extra pounds you had in Jerry Maguire, too — it made your character human and kept the spotlight off that little blonde brat with the glasses who tried to hijack the movie. And then you started slimfasting down — and by that, we mean slimming down by what we can only assume was fasting — until you looked like a Q-tip. You haven’t made a movie since 2010. Hopefully, you’ve spent the off-time wisely.

John Popper

All through the 1990s, one of our favorite bands was Blues Traveler. We dug deep with that band, shelling out cash for albums like Save His Soul, Travelers and Thieves, and that neon-green one with “Hook” and “Run-Around” on it. We knew all the songs by heart. We even went to the H.O.R.D.E. festival, which was an alternative music fan’s wet dream. One of the main reasons? Jolly fat-guy, harmonica-blowing lead singer John Popper. Not only did he have one of the most distinctive voices of the era, but he could also wail on that harmonica like no other white man in the history of rock. Then he got the skinnies, got his stomach stapled, and trimmed down. And along with his waistline went his storyline and then his career. Because if you’re a skinny Caucasian with a harmonica, you’re just another annoying hipster. And who gives a damn about hipsters?

Oprah Winfrey

Full disclosure, Oprah: We were never that big of a fan of yours in the first place. But you know what? At least you looked like one of us. And despite giving cars to everybody in your studio audience, we felt like you could probably be like us, too. If we could, we’d give everybody in our studio audience of life a free car. It would have unlimited gas, too. But now it seems like every other month, you’re thin or fat or in between, and we just don’t know what to think. You’ve given us unlimited gas, intestinally speaking. We wake up, and you’re on the cover of a magazine, and we don’t recognize you. We’d rather you just come back to us, Oprah, preferably with one of those giant Game of Thrones-sized turkey legs. And we’ll help you tear its flesh off like a hungry piranha, over and over and over again. It’s called overeating. Overeating is good.

Jonah Hill

We loved your bit-part in The 40-Year-Old Virgin. You stole the show in Knocked Up. We loved your co-lead in Superbad. In all of these flicks, you were a loveably portly schlub with a great sense of slacker-tuned timing and some of our generation’s greatest one-liners. And then, Jonah, you lost your whale-ishness and went for the svelte look — and you immediately netted bigger roles. Now you’re just another one of them. Go get the hot girlfriend you could never have! Go do the line of coke off of that hooker’s ass-cheek! Be the exact opposite of the kid we all saw in the mirror back in high school! OR … binge-eat junk food for a week and join us dorks in Loserville again. Your choice, asshat.

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