Thanks to the overall prevalence of the internet and the media’s bizarre fascination with those hip young kids on their computers, it seems every morbidly depressed college grad with a marketing degree who got stuck at some dumbf*ck company with a totally uninteresting product decided some manner of website was an awesome idea, no matter how barren or completely overdone, how full of useless information or devoid of anything worth reading at all, probably just to appease management, who are likely all silver haired miscreants who need their secretaries to open their e-mail for them while they tent their fingers diabolically and flex their recta in a menacing fashion.
Kleenex is so ingrained in North American culture it has virtually become the zipper, the trademark name of a product that we simply use to indicate the product itself, no matter what company makes it. Kleenex are tissues you blow your nose on. They collect snot for a living. There is nothing more you will ever need to know.
Nonetheless, the website exists, complete with a stories section called “Let it Out” and a blog. An actual Kleenex blog. And video. Sweet Jesus.
Inexplicably, toilet paper is all over the internet. When was the last time you were cleaning out some burritos from yesterday and looked at that crumpled wad in your hand with enough admiration to say “Hmm. I’m gonna look this up online later?” Every brand of toilet paper has its own website, every f*cking one. For unknown reasons, the vast majority use animals to sell the stuff, apparently in an attempt to convince you that their brand will feel just like sliding your manky ass down a puppy’s spine, which is actually the way Swedish royalty still take care of business to this day.
Let’s be reasonable, everyone knows everything they need to know about toilet paper the moment it breaks the plane. If it feels like sandpaper, we don’t use it again. If it feels like a dog’s back, we do. No website is going to change that.
Arguably, damn near any food website is useless. What more do you need to know about corn, anyway? Or marshmallows Or Toblerone? Admit it, you’ve probably never eaten a Toblerone and if you have, you probably still don’t give a shit about it. It’s a triangle chocolate bar. That’s all they have to advertise with, just listen to the commercial;
Next time you’re at a mini bar, the only place Toblerone’s are legally allowed to be sold outside of certain Nordic countries, have a look and experience everything you’ll ever need to know. The website adds exactly jack shit to this, unless you have a real hard on to learn fortune cookies sized morsels of chocolate history and if you do, then we pity you deeply.
If you were around in the 1700’s, you remember Ovaltine. It’s basically poor man’s chocolate milk with super lame commercials.
Would you go to the website of a company that made that? Would you? We didn’t think so, and you’d be better off. The website contains all the thrills of nutritional info and the promise of a 55 cents off coupon if you fill out a survey. Time to break out the suppositories and beer, we’re having a wicked party thanks to all the money we saved on Ovaltine!
Febreze may be one of the biggest dumbf*ck inventions of all time. It exists to spray stink out of various surfaces in your home and has spawned a line of additional products like the awesomely named “Febreze Noticeables” which we assume were named by the world’s foremost marketing expert and wordsmith who couldn’t think of any redeeming feature of this product other than the fact that, yes, you can notice it. Brilliant.
In a nutshell, it’s a deodorizer. They can make all the aggravatingly stupid commercials they want, but it’s deodorizer. If you have a command of the English language at least on the level of the guy who named Noticeables, deodorizer sums up pretty much the entirety of all you’ll ever need to know about Febreze in one word. But they didn’t stop the production of a website complete with loud, obnoxious music and people who look like escaped mental patients trumpeting about deodorizer.
This product is the actual, physical manifestation of every time someone ever uttered the word “retard” in vain. All those retards floated around in the atmosphere and clustered together probably somewhere above Wisconsin. Then, one day, after reaching critical mass or being exposed to gamma rays or something very sciencey like that, the retard cluster just kind of popped into being as this mind numbingly ridiculous invention. It’s some kind of mouth stretching device that I’m sure has a wicked back story and epic loads of health benefits despite the way it looks an awful lot like C3P0’s blowjob warm up machine.
The website includes an abundance of testimonials and assurances that, if you use the product long enough, you’ll have the facial muscular to break through walls just by smiling.
A lot of psychologists and therapists and other brain-probing types probably help a good deal of the mentally unstable populace deal with issues of misplaced anger and rage. Have you ever felt yourself experiencing seething hatred for no discernible reason? Have you, on a whim, lashed out and smacked a nun or teabagged a cabbie just for spite? Are you angry but can’t figure out why? This is why. These bastards made you that way.
Gemmy Industries is the company responsible for Big Mouth Billy Bass and Dancing Hamsters. Who the f*ck would do something like that to the rest of us, and why? And beyond all that, why is it online? Are people sitting there thinking “Man, where did that hilarious Big Mouth Billy Bass come from? What visionary twats made it and how can I contact them so that I can wholesale it?” No. No one is thinking that.
I’m not sure who dehydrates food. I don’t know what kind of people gloomily eat their food in the dark, secretly cursing all that excess water and wishing for something to turn every morsel in their home into jerky so they’ll be able to more fully enjoy the thrills of constipation and dry skin and it probably doesn’t even matter. Most of all I don’t know why this website has so much text on it. It goes on and on and on, page after page and there’s no secret room full of hot chicks wearing jerky panties and fruit roll-up nipple tassels or anything (Ed. Note – If you have photos of yourself or other hot girls wearing jerky panties and/or fruit roll-up nipple tassels, please send them along).