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8 Depressingly Lame Life Hacks

Life hacks is one of the most egregiously offensive terms currently in our lexicon.  It’s stupid.  It’s so stupid it should wear a helmet.  It doesn’t mean anything.  In general, what people call “life hacks” are what people 10 years ago called handy tips for doing something faster or easier.  Life Hack implies you’ve somehow transcended nature itself, which is lamer than lame when you see the bullshit people pass off as a life hack.  And with that in mind, here’s some shit people on other website have legitimately passed off as “life hacks.”

Fuel Gauge

By way of Buzzfeed comes this Life Hack form Quora.com.  The arrow on your fuel gauge tells you what side of the car your gas tank is on.  OOH, HACKY HACK!  You know what else tells you where your gas tank is?  Looking.  Literally, just turn your head.

That arrow tells you something.  Calling it a life hack is like calling your stereo instructions a life hack.


Sammich Holder

Bullshit.  Who the hell is the ghetto shitbird who has ever done this? I will smack your bagel out of your hand if I see this.

Nutella with Ice Cream

Are you shitting me?  I feel angry right now. This is a snack.  Like a fat guy’s snack.  What is being hacked here, your cholesterol?

Lending Library

Yes, being an asshole is a life hack.

Pizza Warmer

Watch out Matthew Lillard, your role as coolest hacker is in jeopardy because of this dingus with a mildly warm pizza.

Cup Holder

Yeah, just put your drink in your shitty shoe to make your shoe wet and your drink stink like a foot.  Really, it’s two life hacks at once because Hacky Hacksaw!

Ass Warmer

This is the opposite of a hack.  This is something that destroys life and prosperity.  What kind of monstrosity oozes a pair of socks over the unsanitary prongs of their turd receptacle and then plops down on the thing?

Popcorn Hoodie

Too lazy to use a bowl? Genetically closer to a pig than a man?  LIFE HACK!

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