Today’s article was written by Andy Green, who hasn’t starred on Walker, but he dreams about it in the shower.
When the eyes of the ranger are upon you, your acting career is doing just fine. Contrary to what you may have hard or seen or felt in your soul, Walker, Texas Ranger is not the place where hope goes to die. Hope may stagger there and die most of the time, but sometimes it’s where actors who have actually won awards, in purpose, for acting show up to make a pay check and go toe to toe with Chuck Norris himself.
Tobey Maguire has had an amazing career over the last decade or so despite looking like Elijah Wood’s older sister. He has shared time behind a camera with Robert DeNiro in This Boy’s Life. He was nominated for a Golden Globe for his role in the movie Brothers. Oh yeah, he was in a small independent film that garnered him some attention called Spiderman or something. This A-lister was obviously groomed for success by his role as Duane Parsons in the “Walker Texas Ranger” episode entitled “The Prodigal Son“…sounds pretty heady. Or lame ass.
When he’s not counting his awards from his portrayal of a cancer stricken chemistry professor who’s into cooking meth in Breaking Bad, Bryan Cranston is probably reminiscing on his amazing career. No moment more profound for him than his epic role as just Hank in the classic Walker Texas Ranger episode called “Deadly Vision!” Does his character have heat rays that burst form his eyes that need to be karate kicked right into a Texas prison? Only one way to find out.
When he’s not lending his acting talents to huge blockbuster films like Saving Private Ryan, Public Enemies and Lost In Translation, Giovanni Ribisi is probably desperately trying to recall all the knowledge that was bestowed upon him directly from Chuck’s beard. He played a troubled chap named Tony Kingston in the legendary episode of Walker Texas Ranger called “Something In The Shadows.”
Here Walker breaks into a room to find Tony in trouble. A few donkey kicks to the chest later and all is well again.
Though you might not know his name, Paul Winfield is quite a legendary actor. He’s appeared in nerdgasm-inducing classics Mars Attacks, Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan, and The Terminator. Mr. Winfield was nominated for an Academy Award for his portrayal of a guy who was getting his nuts kicked in by the Great Depression in the movie Sounder AND he was nominated for an Emmy for his portrayal of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. in the TV miniseries King. Paul Winfield is no joke, even though he did play a pastor named Roscoe Jones on the iconic Walker episode entitled “The Soul of Winter.” We refuse to watch the episode but we assume he tries to destroy Walker with holy water, only to learn that Walker can drop kick the holy right out of water, turn it into a snakeskin boot, and then kick you in the face with said snakeskin boot.
Oh Mila Kunis, how we love to think of you being debauched Natalie Portman. That’s faptastic. As for the actress herself, has there ever been a more powerful conduit to a boner town? That’s our shy way of saying she’s hot. There are many factors that go into what makes this award winning starlet so boneable. She’s gorgeous, she’s never set our genitals on fire, does it get better than that? Plus she was nominated for a Golden Globe for Best Natalie Portman Cunnilingus scene or something, and would you believe she attended Walker’s Ranger Teen Camp in the epic episode “Last Hope.” Walker teaches the girls the meaning of teamwork and also how to punch someone’s soul in two.
David Keith knows his way around a camera. He has had roles in actually watchable movies like Carrie and Men of Honor. He’s done tons of TV and he was nominated for a Golden Globe for his part in An Officer and A Gentleman. In An Officer and A Gentleman David Keith’s character Sid has a very well acted anxiety attack. Mr. Keith obviously gained the knowledge necessary for that performance from that actual anxiety he felt in the presence of Chuck Norris’ fists when he worked on the Walker Episode called “The Day of Cleansing.” It was the first of five Walker episodes that dealt exclusively with colon health.
Lane Smith is one of those actors that is fantastic in supporting roles. He did a badass portrayal of Perry White in Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, or as badass as a retirement aged paper editor in a Dean Cain show can get . He was the Mayor in the movie that taught us how to defend ourselves against commie scum–Red Dawn. He plays an entrepreneur in the NBC series V. Lane Smith was even nominated for playing legendary douche-bag Richard Nixon in the TV movie The Final Days. Shakin’ the hand of Chuck Norris has that kind of affect on your career. Lane Smith will be forever thankful for his role as Reverend Thornton Powers in the immortal Walker Episode entitled “Power Angels.” Are power angels what Walker consumes to maintain his secret kung-fu/ranger/Navajo powers? It’s hard to say, except that it’s not. The answer is yes.
There aren’t words powerful enough to describe the pure magic that is the irreverent Gary Busey. Before this guy turned into an animatronic looking demented tripped out laugh-factory he was quite a talented actor. Busey was nominated for both a Golden Globe and an Oscar for his part in The Buddy Holly Story. Through his mystical wisdom though, Busey did understand the potential of a villain spot on an Walker Texas Ranger. Gary played Donovan Riggs in an episode where a mentally handicapped chick witnesses Busey murder the shit outta somebody. The name of the episode is (and we’re not f*ckin’ with you here) “Special Witness.” We tried to insert an extra joke here but it just wouldn’t stick.
Here he is getting a close-up view of the pain Walker can bring you.
So, as you can see the power of Chuck Norris is vast and god-like. If your girlfriend watches Walker Texas Ranger, she can find herself pregnant from Chuck’s raw manliness. If your girlfriend was a guest star on Walker Texas Ranger, she’s more of a man than you. No offense.