We’ve all heard of deep fried Mars bars, deep fried butter, deep fried catfish, deep fried moon pies and deep fried mutton glazed with the tears of a cardiologist, but the fact is some fair foods actually don’t make the grade. Indeed, every so often, a greasy carny hatches an idea on the public that he later feels bad about and removes from the menu. Keep in mind, these are people who will rob and eat you if you wander onto their property past dusk. In honor of all foods great and small that will kill you dead, let’s take look at what even a carny won’t feed to you.
The Chili Cheese Titan
The Chili Cheese Titan was another in a long line of novelty hot dogs, the novelty being the obscene caloric content and the way it mocked the high number of malnourished and undernourished people around the world. Served on a double wide sourdough bun, the titan featured a solid one-pound weiner, uncomfortably referred to as a “tube steak”, a half pound of American Cheese, a half pound of melted Velveeta (which once met cheese at a mixer), a half pound of chili which was mostly made from the larval form of dysentery, one Spanish onion, three habenero peppers and a thumb-sized dowel made from congealed pork fat.
Zed: The Cookie of the Atom
First developed in the 1950’s at a Midwest carnival, Zed was a cookie made from a secret family recipe that was mostly brown sugar, molasses and bacon fat in place of butter. The recipe made only one dozen cookies at a time but took the lives of three pigs to properly execute. The chocolate in the chips was also chiefly bacon fat and cocoa. There was no milk, only cream and more bacon fat. The cookie was deep fried in bacon fat after being breaded in pancake batter that was also made mostly from flour and bacon fat. The first customer to try Zed was a cattle rancher named Arthur Steadman who promptly died a terrible, uncomfortable death.
You start with a hard boiled egg and coat it in batter then fry it until just slightly hardened. Remove and roll the still tacky and hot battered egg in diced, all beef hot dog chunks. Rebatter and fry. Remove from oil and entomb in a mixture of ground beef and diced bacon. Return to the fryer and cook until the beef is browned. Removed from oil and inject with 5 ounces of liquid nacho cheese. Wrap in a won ton wrapper and return to the fryer until golden and crispy. Serve in chili.
The Bog Monster
A dessert meant to chill the very soul, the Bog Monster was born from spite as one carnival food stand owner sought to humiliate a competitor with a food item no man could possibly consume. Served in waffle bowl made from a high fructose corn syrup-infused batter, contents consist of one scoop each of vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, mint, rum raisin, butterscotch and tiger tail ice creams. Each scoop is individually rolled in peanut brittle chunks and then doused in liquid chocolate. A raw cookie dough cap is affixed to each ice cream ball and then a shell of chocolate is slathered over top. Once the chocolate has hardened, deep fried cheese cake is affixed with buttercream and a thick mash of whipped cream mixed with peanut butter is piped on top. If made properly it’s an effective gypsy curse.
Because all the world loves a phallus, the tube was a footlong hotdog encased in cheese, batter dipped, inserted into a hollowed out kielbasa, dipped on corn meal batter, encased in ground beef and then wrapped in 3 spiral-cut potatoes before being fried on a stick. It’s about the size of an arm when finished.
Because ice cream has too long monopolized the cone as a food delivery system, the Meat-a-Cane offers up a thin dough cone, similar to pizza crust, filled with melted cream cheese, a white sauce, bacon, ground beef, ham, Italian sausage, grilled chicken and topped with a stuffed jalapeno. It weighs 2.1lbs and if you can eat it before the cone tip dissolves and scalds your hand with cheese grease you win a free small soda.
Q, the Winged Serpent
Born in the annals of the darkest west coast circuses, Q is a single pound of quality Vermont, maple-smoked bacon impaled on a pine skewer and deep-fried to perfection.
The Jade Dragon
In the classic tradition of “dare” foods, meaning foods that you generally only eat because it’s a challenge, the Jade Dragon is a green bell pepper stuffed with a pablano pepper, stuffed with a jalapeno, stuffed with a Hungarian wax pepper, stuffed with a habanaro, stuffed with a Caribbean red pepper, stuffed with a Naga Viper chili, filled with cheese and then breaded and fried jalapeno popper style. No one has ever eaten one. No one ever will.