If you like your girlfriend
, it’s difficult to figure out what you should get her for Valentine’s Day
. If you hate your girlfriend, then it’s really easy to figure out what to do: just give her one of these horrific love-born diseases:
Nickname: Genital Warts
What It Is: It’s warts on your genitals. They’re most commonly transmitted through Human Papillomavirus (HPV), and it spreads through skin-to-skin contact during oral, genital, or anal sex.
Symptoms: Warts on your genitals. It’s a pretty obvious disease.
How To Get Rid of It: There are various creams you can get from your doctor, but the most exciting treatment is called "liquid nitrogen cryosurgery". Basically, they freeze the hell out of the wart, and then lop it off with a hatchet. It might be a scalpel, but either way, there’s liquid nitrogen and a sharp tool near your balls, so it’s scary as hell.
Fun Fact: Don’t EVER type "Genital Warts" into Google Image Search. You will see things that will make you terrified of your own penis forever.
Nickname: The Clap
What It Is: A bacteria that infects a man’s urethra and a woman’s cervix. It also likes to party in the rectum (but who doesn’t, right?).
Symptoms: About 2 days after you contract The Clap, women may get "vaginal discharge", which is what they should call it when women get kicked out of the army. If you’re a dude, then your penis will let you know that something’s wrong by burning like acid when you pee and leaking puss, which is probably not disturbing to witness at all.
How To Get Rid Of It: Much like the Pittsburgh Steelers, Gonorrhea relies on its defense to keep it alive. Most antibiotics used to treat other bacteria are ineffective. Fortunately, there are a few that will still work on most strains, like Ampicillin and Levfloxacin.
Fun Fact: The nickname "The Clap", probably comes from the old French word "clapier", meaning "brothel". Stupid French people and their stupid nasty puss-dicked diseases.
What It Is: A parasitic protozoan infection. In other words, it’s a little oval with tiny arm-like things that infests your vagina. So basically, having T-Vag is like being Rhea Pearlman all the time.
Symptoms: You get pneumonia, bronchitis, and oral lesions. Oh, and I almost forgot: greenish-yellow frothy vaginal discharge. Your vagina basically turns into a lemon-lime slurpy machine (sans deliciousness), because that’s just how T-Vag likes to roll.
How To Get Rid of It: A nice dose of Metronidazole will do the trick. It should also be given immediately to sexual partners, and you should probably do that in a crowded place that’s clear of anything that can be used as a weapon to bash your brains in for giving someone T-Vag.
Fun Fact: Unlike Neil Patrick Harris, T-Vag does not enjoy being inside of an anus. It’s almost impossible for it to grow there. We’re not saying that you can use this in your efforts to talk your girlfriend into anal sex. In fact, when you’re trying to convince her of that, you probably shouldn’t mention STD’s, or any other disease, for that matter. In fact, avoid the conversation altogether, and just try to slip it in when she’s asleep. Now that’s good advice.
Nickname: Genital Ulcer
What It Is: A bacterial infection that shows up as a gray ulcer-like bump that gets agitated easily, which is exactly how I describe all elderly people.
Symptoms: You’ll get a bump on your genitals that will be grey and yellow at the bottom, like a tub of year-old banana pudding. Like the year-old tub of banana pudding, it’s also filled with a vile, slimy concoction. In the case of the Genital Ulcer, it’s blood and puss, and if you start touching it and poking at it, then you’d better put on a raincoat, because it’s about to get messy as hell.
How To Get Rid Of It: The Center for Disease Control, which is like the Rupert Murdoch of diseases, says a single dose of Azythromicin for seven days should do the trick.
Fun Fact: Genital Ulcers are almost exclusively found in developing third-world countries. That means that if your boyfriend went to San Diego on a business trip and came back with a genital ulcer, you probably have a Liberian-whore-loving liar on your hands.
Nickname: The Great Imitator
What It Is: A bacteria that does damage to your heart, aorta, brain, eyes, and bones. That’s right: it’s a five-tool disease. It’s like the Tyler Perry of STD’s.
Symptoms: A skin lesion will usually appear at the point of contact, followed by a rash. Then it’s time to party! Fever, sore throat, weight loss, headache, vomiting, swelling, you name it. The symptoms can come and go as they please. There’s no bouncer in the Syphilis Symptoms Bar. And if the disease goes unchecked then it attacks your brain, and you start getting into Howard Hughes territory, minus the brilliant domination of the aviation and film industries. You’ll just get the crazy, hermetic, saving-your-own-piss-in-jars-for-years-at-a-time tendencies.
How To Get Rid Of It: A steady dose of Penicillin G will make your Syphilis bolt faster than your girlfriend did when you told her you had Syphilis.
Fun Fact: Adolf Hitler had Syphilis when he died. It’s also rumored that George Washington may have died from Syphilitic complications as well. Historically significant world leaders are like the rappers of the Past: they have no trouble pulling in massive amounts of tail.
Nickname: The Silent Disease
What It Is: A bacteria that holds the title of "Most Common Sexually Transmitted Disease in the World" (except, of course, for babies).
Symptoms: Most of the time, there aren’t any symptoms (hence the nickname). If you’re lucky enough to have a body that likes you, then it’ll tell you it’s infected with chlamydia by way of vaginal bleeding and intense pain when urinating, which are also the symptoms that occur after watching multiple episodes of Big Bang Theory.
How To Get Rid Of It: All you have to do is take some antibiotics that your doctor gives you. That’s it! It’s so easy, you can get it twice!
Fun Fact: Recent studies have suggested that Chlamydia shares a common ancestor with modern plants, and the two share similar constructions on a cellular level. So, the next time your rawdogging, just imagine a giant, bloody ficus growing out of your groin.
What It Is: A tiny parasitic insect that lives in your pubes and sucks your blood while laying eggs all over your crotch. I can wait for a few minutes while you take ten showers and then burn all the hair off of your entire body.
Symptoms: First, if you notice tiny alien-looking creatures running around on your nuts, that’s probably a pretty good indicator. There’s also itching, red bumps, and small insect eggs tangled up in your pubes. And let’s not forget: TINY ALIEN-LOOKING CREATURES RUNNING AROUND ON YOUR NUTS!
How To Get Rid Of It: A special lotion, like Lindane, should be used immediately. Then you have to shave your pubes. I’m talking "Billy Corgan’s head" shaved. After that, go through whatever’s left with a fine-toothed comb (literally) to get any remaining eggs off of your balls.
Fun Fact: Humans are the only hosts of pubic lice. That means you can’t get crabs from having sex with animals. I know we have at least a few readers from Arkansas, so I thought it’d be best to just cover my bases.
Nickname: The Gift That Keeps On Giving
What It Is: A virus that causes lesions on the shaft of the penis or the labia and clitoris of the vagina. In other words, it sets up shop on all the best parts.
Symptoms: Only mentioning the painful, disgusting lesions of Herpes would be like doing a Ghostbusters retrospective and only discussing the scene from Ghostbusters II where Sigourney Weaver’s creepy boss walks down the hall with weird, inexplicable laser eyes. Herpes also causes aches, pains, nasty-ass discharge, and burning when urinating, or what we like to refer to as "firepiss".
How To Get Rid Of It: Oh,…um….this is awkward. There’s actually no cure for the Herps. There are a number of "suppressive" treatments, like Acyclovir, but most of them have nasty side effects, like explosive diarrhea. Dick lesions and diarrhea? Where do I sign up?!
Fun Fact: When the herpes virus is active, the human immune system can detect and destroy the herpes virus particles. But herpes can go inactive and hide from your immune system, like a Romulan Bird of Prey, except that it makes the Enterprise’s genitals look completely disgusting.