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8 Terrible Valentine’s Day Diseases

If you like your girlfriend, it’s difficult to figure out what you should get her for Valentine’s Day.  If you hate your girlfriend, then it’s really easy to figure out what to do: just give her one of these horrific love-born diseases:
 
Condylomata Acuminata
 
Nickname: Genital Warts
 
What It Is: It’s warts on your genitals. They’re most commonly transmitted through Human Papillomavirus (HPV), and it spreads through skin-to-skin contact during oral, genital, or anal sex.
 
Symptoms: Warts on your genitals. It’s a pretty obvious disease.

How To Get Rid of It: There are various creams you can get from your doctor, but the most exciting treatment is called "liquid nitrogen cryosurgery". Basically, they freeze the hell out of the wart, and then lop it off with a hatchet. It might be a scalpel, but either way, there’s liquid nitrogen and a sharp tool near your balls, so it’s scary as hell.
 
Fun Fact: Don’t EVER type "Genital Warts" into Google Image Search. You will see things that will make you terrified of your own penis forever.
 
Gonorrhea
 
Nickname: The Clap
 
What It Is: A bacteria that infects a man’s urethra and a woman’s cervix.  It also likes to party in the rectum (but who doesn’t, right?).
 
Symptoms: About 2 days after you contract The Clap, women may get "vaginal discharge", which is what they should call it when women get kicked out of the army.  If you’re a dude, then your penis will let you know that something’s wrong by burning like acid when you pee and leaking puss, which is probably not disturbing to witness at all.

How To Get Rid Of It: Much like the Pittsburgh Steelers, Gonorrhea relies on its defense to keep it alive.  Most antibiotics used to treat other bacteria are ineffective.  Fortunately, there are a few that will still work on most strains, like Ampicillin and Levfloxacin.
 
Fun Fact:  The nickname "The Clap", probably comes from the old French word "clapier", meaning "brothel". Stupid French people and their stupid nasty puss-dicked diseases.
 
Trichomonas Vaginalis
 

Nickname: T-Vag
 
What It Is: A parasitic protozoan infection.  In other words, it’s a little oval with tiny arm-like things that infests your vagina.  So basically, having T-Vag is like being Rhea Pearlman all the time.
 
Symptoms: You get pneumonia, bronchitis, and oral lesions.  Oh, and I almost forgot: greenish-yellow frothy vaginal discharge.  Your vagina basically turns into a lemon-lime slurpy machine (sans deliciousness), because that’s just how T-Vag likes to roll.
 
How To Get Rid of It: A nice dose of Metronidazole will do the trick.  It should also be given immediately to sexual partners, and you should probably do that in a crowded place that’s clear of anything that can be used as a weapon to bash your brains in for giving someone T-Vag.
 
Fun Fact: Unlike Neil Patrick Harris, T-Vag does not enjoy being inside of an anus.  It’s almost impossible for it to grow there.  We’re not saying that you can use this in your efforts to talk your girlfriend into anal sex.  In fact, when you’re trying to convince her of that, you probably shouldn’t mention STD’s, or any other disease, for that matter. In fact, avoid the conversation altogether, and just try to slip it in when she’s asleep.  Now that’s good advice.
 
Chancroid

Nickname: Genital Ulcer
 
What It Is: A bacterial infection that shows up as a gray ulcer-like bump that gets agitated easily, which is exactly how I describe all elderly people.
 
Symptoms: You’ll get a bump on your genitals that will be grey and yellow at the bottom, like a tub of year-old banana pudding. Like the year-old tub of banana pudding, it’s also filled with a vile, slimy concoction.  In the case of the Genital Ulcer, it’s blood and puss, and if you start touching it and poking at it, then you’d better put on a raincoat, because it’s about to get messy as hell.

How To Get Rid Of It:  The Center for Disease Control, which is like the Rupert Murdoch of diseases, says a single dose of Azythromicin for seven days should do the trick.
 
Fun Fact: Genital Ulcers are almost exclusively found in developing third-world countries.  That means that if your boyfriend went to San Diego on a business trip and came back with a genital ulcer, you probably have a Liberian-whore-loving liar on your hands.
 
Syphilis
 
Nickname: The Great Imitator
 
What It Is: A bacteria that does damage to your heart, aorta, brain, eyes, and bones.  That’s right: it’s a five-tool disease. It’s like the Tyler Perry of STD’s.
 
Symptoms: A skin lesion will usually appear at the point of contact, followed by a rash.  Then it’s time to party! Fever, sore throat, weight loss, headache, vomiting, swelling, you name it. The symptoms can come and go as they please.  There’s no bouncer in the Syphilis Symptoms Bar.  And if the disease goes unchecked then it attacks your brain, and you start getting into Howard Hughes territory, minus the brilliant domination of the aviation and film industries.  You’ll just get the crazy, hermetic, saving-your-own-piss-in-jars-for-years-at-a-time tendencies.
 
How To Get Rid Of It: A steady dose of Penicillin G will make your Syphilis bolt faster than your girlfriend did when you told her you had Syphilis.
 
Fun Fact: Adolf Hitler had Syphilis when he died.  It’s also rumored that George Washington may have died from Syphilitic complications as well.  Historically significant world leaders are like the rappers of the Past: they have no trouble pulling in massive amounts of tail.
 
Chlamydia
 
Nickname: The Silent Disease
 
What It Is: A bacteria that holds the title of "Most Common Sexually Transmitted Disease in the World" (except, of course, for babies).
 
Symptoms: Most of the time, there aren’t any symptoms (hence the nickname).  If you’re lucky enough to have a body that likes you, then it’ll tell you it’s infected with chlamydia by way of vaginal bleeding and intense pain when urinating, which are also the symptoms that occur after watching multiple episodes of Big Bang Theory.
 
How To Get Rid Of It: All you have to do is take some antibiotics that your doctor gives you.  That’s it!  It’s so easy, you can get it twice!
 
Fun Fact: Recent studies have suggested that Chlamydia shares a common ancestor with modern plants, and the two share similar constructions on a cellular level.  So, the next time your rawdogging, just imagine a giant, bloody ficus growing out of your groin.
 
Pubic Lice
 
Nickname: Crabs
 
What It Is: A tiny parasitic insect that lives in your pubes and sucks your blood while laying eggs all over your crotch.  I can wait for a few minutes while you take ten showers and then burn all the hair off of your entire body.

Symptoms: First, if you notice tiny alien-looking creatures running around on your nuts, that’s probably a pretty good indicator.  There’s also itching, red bumps, and small insect eggs tangled up in your pubes.  And let’s not forget: TINY ALIEN-LOOKING CREATURES RUNNING AROUND ON YOUR NUTS!
 
How To Get Rid Of It: A special lotion, like Lindane, should be used immediately.  Then you have to shave your pubes.  I’m talking "Billy Corgan’s head" shaved.  After that, go through whatever’s left with a fine-toothed comb (literally) to get any remaining eggs off of your balls.
 
Fun Fact: Humans are the only hosts of pubic lice.  That means you can’t get crabs from having sex with animals.  I know we have at least a few readers from Arkansas, so I thought it’d be best to just cover my bases.
 
Herpes

Nickname: The Gift That Keeps On Giving
 
What It Is: A virus that causes lesions on the shaft of the penis or the labia and clitoris of the vagina.  In other words, it sets up shop on all the best parts.

Symptoms: Only mentioning the painful, disgusting lesions of Herpes would be like doing a Ghostbusters retrospective and only discussing the scene from Ghostbusters II where Sigourney Weaver’s creepy boss walks down the hall with weird, inexplicable laser eyes.  Herpes also causes aches, pains, nasty-ass discharge, and burning when urinating, or what we like to refer to as "firepiss".

How To Get Rid Of It: Oh,…um….this is awkward.  There’s actually no cure for the Herps.  There are a number of "suppressive" treatments, like Acyclovir, but most of them have nasty side effects, like explosive diarrhea.  Dick lesions and diarrhea? Where do I sign up?!
 
Fun Fact: When the herpes virus is active, the human immune system can detect and destroy the herpes virus particles.  But herpes can go inactive and hide from your immune system, like a Romulan Bird of Prey, except that it makes the Enterprise’s genitals look completely disgusting.
 

22 Responses to "8 Terrible Valentine’s Day Diseases"

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    Congratulations fellas!! This article ought to be in the section “Best of the Taco”.

    Fucking sweet!

  2. dildozer says:

    seven out of eight, top that bitches!

  3. DonkeyBlowMe says:

    oh how we envy you, you must be so proud that your gonna die before your 40th birdthday

  4. Stephan Stilts says:

    the “Clap” comes from back in world war 2 when people would get gonareah the only way to get rid of it was by putting it on a table and having someone smash it CLAPO!

  5. acai forum says:

    Pretty gross stuff that makes you want to keep away from the easy ones.

  6. iamfwomwomw says:

    STDs thrive in and on people who eat poorly / have sex with more than one person / or break other rules of basic hygiene and stress reduction.

    Olive leaf extract and oregano oil and echinacea, among other things can change your life!!

    When I was 22, doc told me I’d get two to six outbreaks of herpes each year til I’m fifty. A couple years later, I got interested in natural wellness. Now, at 41, it’s been 13 years since my last outbreak and I no longer get the bronchitis and sinus infections, either.

    Generous and Loving God loves and protects those whose love is Light

  7. Hairy says:

    How are any of your internet viewers supposed to get VD from wacking it to internet girls they will never get close to in real life?
    Can you get VD from a key board?

  8. Skummer says:

    You can from my keyboard.

  9. LOL says:

    Im still trying to catch AIDS, what can I do??? Plz help,

    A poor Vietnamise boy…

  10. green poop says:

    Fuck your step-dad

  11. Im quite scared now says:

    Nice touch there with the Aids! I would of like to see on how to get rid of it…. extinct all who has it!

  12. office jerk says:

    AIDS

    Nickname: Asshole Injected Death Sentence

    What It Is: AIDS is caused by a virus called HIV, the Human Immunodeficiency Virus. The blood, vaginal fluid, semen, and breast milk of people infected with HIV has enough of the virus in it to infect other people. Think about this the next time you wake up on the floor of a hookers apartment covered in blood, vaginal fluid, semen and breast milk.

    Symptoms: At first, a person infected with HIV may not display any symptoms at all. But soon enough the immune system is being broken down and before you know it you look like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia.

    How To Get Rid Of It: $180,000 dollars, shot directly into the bloodstream.

    Fun Fact: If you have sex with someone and they contract your AIDS, and you knew you were infected you could be sent to prison for murder. Where you will spend your remaining days in relative comfort because only the other AIDS infected prisoners will bother raping you.

  13. nickmare says:

    hey holy taco, why not next time you just tells to wrap ourselves in saran wrap and duct tape a pringles can to our dick?

  14. mr.princess says:

    Your silly.

  15. jethro says:

    yeah, where’s AIDS??

  16. Hungry says:

    in africa

  17. Ducatis4 says:

    oh fuck, comment of a lifetime

  18. office jerk says:

    “But herpes can go inactive and hide from your immune system, like a Romulan Bird of Prey, except that it makes the Enterprise’s genitals look completely disgusting.”

    Whoever wrote this article will never be at risk of contracting STDs.

  19. AnnBoner says:

    I tought T-Vag was a rapper

  20. Firepisser says:

    This article was fuckin hilarious. Nice work fellas. You should definitely have stressed more about the extreme burning and puss discharge of Chlamydia, shit sucks. Johnny’s mom is gonna be pissed…

  21. senior turtle says:

    first!

  22. senior turtle says:

    and i have aids!