Growing up is one embarrassing moment after another. Here’s a few moments that tend to stand out from the rest.
8. WET DREAM
When you wake up from your first wet dream, you’re basically like one of those soldiers in the first twenty minutes of Saving Private Ryan; scared and confused and checking to see if the stuff you’re covered in is coming from your body. After realizing it’s not urine by rubbing it between your fingers and smelling it like an 1800s fur trader trying to make sure he’s not getting a fake pelt, it’s clean up time. I’m pretty convinced that if murderers took the time and paid the attention to detail that kids spend hiding the evidence of an unexpected splooge, death row would be empty.
7. ASKING A GIRL OUT
The first time you try and ask a girl out on a date ends up sounding a lot like a Woody Allen monologue. You start off with, “Um, so, um, I was wondering if, like, ya know, maybe you wanted to, like I mean you’re probably busy, but, like and then after three minutes of that you end it with ” and so my friend was all, like, ya know weird and then the helicopter picked them up off the boat and that’s it. After you walk away thinking you were totally cool, it slowly dawns on you that you didn’t actually ask her out, but in your nervous desperation ended up telling her about an episode of Gilligan’s Island.
6. GETTING A BONER IN A PLAYGROUND SETTING
When you’re little, boners, much like hurricanes, are an unstoppable force that comes with little or no warning, leaving you powerless until they’ve run their course. Your only hope is that they happen in unpopulated areas. But sometimes a slight wind mixed with a quick lateral movement during a tag game, causes a boner to rear it’s ugly head. And if you’re not wearing pants or shorts that allow for the “Tuck it behind your belt method, you’re forced to waddle towards a place where you can sit down, in hopes that pushing your ass out will leave enough open space in the crotch area of your shorts to give your boner some breathing room. Unfortunately everyone can identify that walk, and they suddenly stop whatever they’re doing and point and stare like they’re a group of Japanese tourists on a whale watching expedition. Then the kid who’s parents don’t pay enough attention to him at home yells out “he’s got a boner! and ironically adds, “What a homo!
5. CRAPPING/PISSING YOURSELF
Managing bathroom breaks is one of the trickier aspects of being a child. Which is why you see so many young boys running around and holding their wieners like your dad holds the garden hose when he doesn’t want any water to come out of it. But there’s still nothing worse than realizing you just crapped yourself or unloaded a gallon of Kool Aid into your Underoos. The problem is, what do you do after you’ve demolished your pants in a public setting? Most kids just freeze like a deer in the headlights and pretend nothing happened while their minds race over their options, which are: 1) Sit there and pretend nothing happened. Then when someone asks about the smell, blame the retarded kid. Or 2) Start crying. As with most childhood situations, options 1 and 2 usually end up occurring.
4. YOUR FIRST FIGHT
Somebody’s Derek Jeter binder got stepped on and suddenly a time and location are set and the entire school has found out. Your friends, who have never been in a fight, suddenly have a wealth of combat knowledge to share with you. When you arrive to the location after school, you partake in the ceremonial “calling your opponent a fag portion of the event for several minutes as you both try and put off the actual fighting part of the fight. But the crowd becomes restless, and suddenly you clamp your fist and swing it towards your opponent like you’re throwing a grenade under water. It lands nowhere near his face like you had planned, and the fight devolves into both of you pulling each others shirts while on the ground, and getting super red faced, as if you’re attempting to shit out a bowling ball. After about twenty seconds of what looks like two kids dry humping, the crowd sees a random adult 200 yards away and scatters frantically.
3. CRYING IN FRONT OF EVERYONE
Whether it’s because you fell down on the playground or crapped your pants or got caught stealing, everyone has a moment in their childhood where they stood there and let buckets of tears and snot run down their face while making that hiccupy air sucking noise in front of all their friends. And after the “incident is over, your best friends won’t talk to you for at least an hour because they don’t want to catch your shame cooties. No one will actually say the word “dignity (mostly because they’re too young to know what it means) but from that day forward you will know that you don’t have any.
2. GETTING CAUGHT MASTURBATING
The sheer, heart-stopping terror that shoots through your body when your mom walks in while you’re masturbating causes you to blurt out the the only words you can think of as fast as you can. Unfortunately your nerves have only left you with a collection of ridiculous phrases that do nothing too help your cause. “Whoa, cleaning! Washing hang on! No, I’m not! Just can’t get my pants on! Stuck! New underwear! I swear! If you have a hippy mom, she’ll probably try and tell you that what you’re doing is a completely normal bodily function. If you have an uptight mom, she’ll walk out and pretend nothing ever happened. (Pray for an uptight mom.)
1. WALKING IN ON YOUR PARENTS HAVING SEX
Few things in life are as scarring as going to ask your parents if you can open the new box of Cocoa puffs, only to find your father putting his erect penis inside your mother. If the government could make the terrorists in Guantamo Bay watch their parents boning in front of them, we could get rid of waterboarding. The worst part about it is when your parents see you, they frantically try to pull the covers over themselves and turn away from you, except they haven’t coordinated this, so they each pull different things, resulting in them pulling covers off of another part of their body. This leaves you face to face with images such as the back of your dad’s nutsack, or your mom’s asshole.