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8 Most Hypocritical Christian Athletes

Athletes are always thanking God for something, but sometimes those same athletes are the ones that piss God off the most. Here’s a list of the 8 most hypocritically religious sports stars.

8. RYAN CHURCH

HOW MUCH HE LOVES JESUS: After kicking back with Jon Moeller, the Washington Nationals team chaplain, Ryan Church came to the conclusion that all Jews were going to hell for not accepting Jesus, his starting pitcher in the sky. “I said, like, Jewish people, they don’t believe in Jesus. Does that mean they’re doomed? Jon nodded, like, that’s what it meant. “I was like, man, if they only knew. Other religions don’t know any better. It’s up to us to spread the word.”

WHY JESUS HATES HIM: I’m not sure if Ryan knows this or not, but Jesus was actually Jewish. If all the Jews were going to hell, I’m pretty sure we’d see fewer “My Boss Is A Jewish Carpenter bumper stickers, and more “My Boss Is A Doomed To Hell Carpenter on cars across the Midwest.

7. CHARLIE WARD

HOW MUCH HE LOVES JESUS: When he wasn’t leading Bible study groups on the road with the Knicks, Charlie wore a WWJD bracelet at all times, claimed that God was the reason behind a 20-point comeback against the Heat (apparently God’s a Knicks fan), claimed female reporters in the locker room was “unsacred, and gave ex-coach Jeff Van Gundy religious “notes after losses.
WHY JESUS HATES HIM: While with the Knicks, Charlie preached to players about their non-Christian hip hop music, yelled at Patrick Ewing for swearing too much and called out married players for being seen with other women on the road. God does not like a player hater.

6. CARL EVERETT

HOW MUCH HE LOVES HIS JESUS: So much so that he says that dinosaur bones are man made fakes and dinosaurs never existed because they’re not in the bible. “God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve. The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs.” But, the bible apparently says plenty about being gay because Carl gave us this profound thought on homosexuality “Gays being gay is wrong.” Aside from that sentence being some kind of retarded logic puzzle, it leads me to believe that if someone could prove there were gay dinosaurs, Carl’s head might explode.

WHY JESUS HATES HIM: I can¹t say for certain but I¹m pretty sure Jesus frowns upon beating your child. In 1997, Everett and his wife Linda were charged with abusing their two children, Shawna and Carl IV. The chargers were later dropped, but the Judge ordered the kids to live with their grandmother for fear of their safety.

5. EVANDER HOLYFIELD

HOW MUCH HE LOVES HIS JESUS: According to him, jesus is quite a boxing fan, and actively participates in the outcome of each of his matches, meaning Jesus is basically slightly less corrupt than Don King. “Well, you know, I’m led by the Holy Spirit, so whatever I do, I know I will have enough to win.” I guess except for the 9 fights that he lost, where apparently the holy spirit was either busy, or had money on the other guy.

WHY JESUS HATES HIM: Remember when jesus didn’t have enough loaves and fishes for everyone, yet somehow fed the entire crowd? Well, imagine if jesus had 100 million fishes, and all he had to pay his ex-wife and child was 3,000 fishes a month, I’m guessing he’d have no problems making his payments. Evander on the other hand skips out on child support, and had to be sued by his ex. Not to mention, Evander thinks he “probably has nine children out of wedlock.” Look, jesus understands your weiner’s urges, he’s the one who made your weiner, but if you’ve banged so many chicks that you can¹t say for certain how many kids you have, you’re probably pissing jesus off.

4. ANDY PETTITTE

HOW MUCH HE LOVES JESUS: In his sports metaphorically-titled book, Strike Zone: Targeting a Life of Intregrity and Purity, Andy Pettitte had this to say about how he wants to live his life for the Lord, “As a Christian I also have one goal. I want to fulfill God’s purpose for my life. I constantly ask myself “What does God want me to do? and “Where does He want me to go?
WHY JESUS HATES HIM: Apparently God wants him to do steroids. And he wants him to go to the congress and lie about it. After getting called out by Brian McNamee for taking H.G.H., Pettitte needed to read Romans 13:1-5, a passage in the Bible that says you shouldn’t lie to the civil government. Did he really need to find that line to be sure about lying? I guess Pettitte initially thought the explicit “Thou shalt not lie commandment actually meant “Thou shalt not lie unless you’re talking to someone who was elected to office. Then you can lie your ass off. Amen.

3. JEFF GORDON

HOW MUCH HE LOVES JESUS: As if praying each night and reading the Bible before each race wasn’t enough to please the Son of God, Jeff tapes a handwritten bit of scripture onto his steering wheel that he reads during caution flags and pit stops. It serves as a reminder that Jesus is his co-pilot as he takes left turn after left turn after left turn.

WHY JESUS HATES HIM: While he was married to his first wife, Jeff apparently took a right turn into another woman’s vagina. During their messy divorce, his now ex-wife claimed he had a girlfriend who would stay with him on race weekends. And then the girlfriend posed nude for Hugh Hefner and talked about making the beast with two backs with NASCAR’s most eligible non-bachelor. And it looks like Jesus is the only person who actually reads the articles in Playboy because he hasn’t won a Winston Cup Championship since.

2. CURT SCHILLING

HOW MUCH HE LOVES JESUS: According to Schilling, not only does god hate the Yankees, but apparently God has a nasty split finger fastball and realizes that he needs to throw a lot of first pitch strikes to the 3-4 hitters in the line up, if he’s going to be effective. After the bloody sock game in the Red Sox improbably ALCS comeback Schilling said: I tried to go out and do it myself in Game 1, and you saw what happened. Tonight was God’s work on the mound. . . . God did something amazing.” I’m pretty sure if you told God that he¹d say “Mmm, I think creating the universe was probably a little more amazing then giving up one run over seven innings to a demoralized Yankee team.”

WHY JESUS HATES HIM: Jesus was never about throwing anyone under the chariot. Schilling was publicly criticized by Phillies teammates Mitch Williams, Larry Andersen, and Danny Jackson for his conduct during the 1993 World Series. Whenever closer Mitch Williams was on the mound, CBS television cameras caught Schilling in the dugout hiding his face with a towel. Jesus knew someone was going to betray him, but did he toss that dude under the bus? No. Not only that but jesus was all about being humble, and if the internet existed then, he wouldn’t have started a blog where he incessantly talks about the great things he does because, Jesus realizes, silence is golden.

1. DEION SANDERS

HOW MUCH HE LOVES JESUS: Why wouldn’t you love Jesus a whole bunch when he provides you with such awesome discounts on car repairs! While on trial for not paying a mechanic’s bill in full, this came out: The owner of the repair shop said Sanders wanted to pay only $1,500 of the $4,265.57 bill, saying that Jesus had informed him that was all he needed to pay. Deion pulled up to the owner and said “Praise Jesus … I follow what in my heart I’m told to pay.”

WHY JESUS HATES HIM: Maybe Jesus could look past Deion’s cheating on his wife and his drug abuse, seeing as how Deion admitted to that and apologized, then wrote a book about. But awkwardly forcing the word “priiiiime tiiiime” into sentences where it has no place, has to really annoy the shit out of Jesus.

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39 Responses to "8 Most Hypocritical Christian Athletes"

  1. Matt says:

    I have nothing against Christians, unless they’re self-righteous bigots like a few of these guys are. Praise Jesus all you want, but the moment you start judging somebody else by your own religion is when you’ve crossed the line.

  2. SkiBum says:

    Yea, because “bear[ing] false witness against your neighbor” is not like lying. At all. Like, really, it’s not even close.

    Since when did all of Vatican fucking City become avid readers of HolyTaco and use it as their primary religious source?

  3. Chris says:

    Wow, what a bunch of wackos. I like how everybody says “read the Bible!” Have any of you ever read it? It is the most laughable and ridiculous bunch of fiction ever compiled. Also, there are probably more appropriate forums to go on a religious rant than HolyTaco.

  4. Westboro Church Group says:

    You’re all faggots

  5. TRO says:

    Good post . . . looking forward to a similar one on Islam. If you dare.

  6. Dom says:

    I love how everyone gets their Christian panties in a bunch over this. It was meant to be funny. I found it funny. Your probably not the best Christian if you are going to HolyTaco and browsing around the homepage. You will find lust and all other sorts of bad things. The sort of bad things I like as a Christian.

    Jesus and I Love you.

  7. David says:

    Christians sure do get defensive when you point out all the flaws with their system.

  8. Chris says:

    I think, had this actually been funny, it would have worked. On the other hand, it was incredibly poorly written, and not funny. At all. (and I’m not religious, I just like shit to be funny)

    You got some love from Deadspin, but be wary of first impressions. This one sucked, and this is how I’ll remember this website next time it comes up.

  9. dontmatter says:

    Wow possibly the stupidest article I have read and I’m not even that religious clearly you are just trying to bash something you dont understand in the least. Grow up buddy and find another line of work

  10. Jake says:

    Bravo. Fuck the Bible, fuck the Quran. Praise the in depth, analytical, logical, REASONABLE (key word REASON) book, The End of Faith

  11. Mark D says:

    How is Charlie Ward a hypocrit? He got on the case of teamates for swearing and messing around on their wives, but no mention of wrong doing on his part. That hardly qualifies him for this list.

    The other ass-clowns, however, belong on this list.

  12. Great Article says:

    Ha! Well Done Holy Taco. Ignore the pathetic, whiny, defensive “believers.” Good call on “The End of Faith” book, Jake.

  13. Anonymous says:

    this article sucks, half the jokes don’t make sense, picking on charlie ward is just wrong

  14. gracies suck ass says:

    God is a muslem.

  15. I'm a Christian, too says:

    But the absolute worst way to get your point across is to cram beliefs down someone else’s throat. Try claiming it was “offensive” instead of “wrong”. On the other hand, hypocrites? We don’t think we’re perfect. We know we’re corrupt. Try tolerance for a change, keep your ignorant “intellectual” comments to yourself, trailer-dweller.

  16. Hippo Crites says:

    I can’t believe that Deion Sanders is that tall.

  17. e46m3 says:

    “if someone could prove dinosaurs were gay, carl’s head might explode” i laughed my ass off when i read that. also like hippo crites post, very nice. overall, article was okay, few good jokes, few that were mediocre, but all in all, not bad

  18. KG says:

    The Bible is complete fiction, anyone with intelligence and logic can comprehend the fact the Bible was written by MAN and not GOD and was the prototype of science to explain why things happen. It is a belief system to keep the honest man honest, and to give people the impression that doing bad will cause you to go to hell, and doing good will make you go to heaven. You cannot challenge ‘Faith’, it is impossible.. its a cat chasing its tail and thats why they invented the Bible.

    Believe what you want to believe, but the Bible is fictitious and Jesus was the worlds first Criss Angel.

  19. Jesse says:

    WOw.. the first two don’t even make sense.. the first one is completely true.., not a problem..
    the second one.. you think a player is hypocritical for calling out his peers when they are sinning??? that is what the bible says you are SUPPOSED to do.. but you say he is being hypocritical by doing that…

  20. Todd says:

    Usually it’s the people who talk the loudest are the biggest hypocrites of all. It is impossible to defend a faith based position, no substance. It’s like living in a virtual world. We are all animals guided by animalistic urges, we are just the only beings who have a sense of right or wrong, mostly. Look around, there is alot of evidence that some people are no different than animals w/o opposable thumbs.
    The bible made sense before to some because the science was weak, things are different now, like it was thought the earth was flat and was the center of the universe. It won’t be for long that all the biblical myths are debunked. Sorry to burst the bubble, but at one time you probably beleived an overweight guy gave you presents around December.

  21. john says:

    kg has no idea what he’s talking bout b.c there is only one way to get to heaven and thats believe and follow jesus jus doing good will do you nothing at all. you talk about logic, then why are we alive, what happens after death??? why so many christians in the world? they found bibles over a thousand years old. they found john the baptists tombstone. scientists have even addmited they’re must be a higher power. people who use science are afraid of god b.c they dont want to believe they have to live by some rules and follow jesus. if you dont believe in jesus thats fine but dont try and bring down our religion. there is a book (i forget the name) that an atheist was writing to prove there was no god but in trying to prove there wasnt one he found more evidence proving god than proving him non existent and he is now a christian.

  22. okay then... says:

    A) Arguing like this over religion is dumb. Seriously. It’s a JOKE. Even the people who “don’t deserve to be on this list” are there because IT’S A JOKE. Jesus was a player-hater? That made me laugh a bit. It’s at least kind of funny if you just take it lightly. The person who wrote this isn’t being serious. You don’t even know that they are Christian… they are just trying to make a joke.

    B) Just because Jesus forgives sinners doesn’t mean it’s not extremely dumb to say that Jesus made you win a baseball game or something. Also, it doesn’t mean that it’s not pretty damn un-Christian to do a lot of the things these guys have done. That’s the point. Doesn’t mean they’re eternally damned or anything. Just that it’s not nice.

    C) Okay, I normally hate picking on specific people but… John. Seriously. There are so many Christians in the world because they all shove it down peoples’ throats from birth and people are taught that believing anything else is wrong and makes you a bad person pretty much. Not many other religions do that, and the ones that do are considered EXTREMIST. There are bibles a thousand years old because the Bible was written 2,000 years ago, not because it’s all true. There are lots of even older surviving religious texts from pretty much every other religion. Christianity is quite new, in comparison to Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam, etc. They found John the Baptist’s tombstone because he was a living person. They’ve found the tombs of 5,000 year old Egyptian “god-kings”, does that meant they should be worshiped? Also, admitting a higher power doesn’t mean they believe in Jesus and Christianity. It means they think that sometime, somewhere, something (maybe even just a bit of fate) poked our universe and got the ball rolling. Nothing more, nothing less. Lastly, don’t try to bring down science. All it’s trying to to is learn about the world and how it works. Does Christianity mean we should be ignorant of everything around us? I don’t think so.

    And that’s all.

  23. Alex says:

    This is by far one of the most idiotic, pointless articles ever written.

  24. james says:

    Jesus please save me from your followers

  25. jdc says:

    Hysterical, now do one about Muslims.

  26. BMoreGreen says:

    Can’t believe the scumbag Mark Chmura was left off this list – refusing to go to the White House because he felt superior to Bill Clinton then getting caught in a hot-tub, consuming alcohol with with underage girls. Perfect summation of the f’d up “Christian” church.

  27. 85 For Fighting says:

    What a joke this is.

    Whoever wrote this crap doesn’t know shit about what Jesus loves or hates.

    Love the sinner, hate the sin.

  28. How about Kurt Warner and his “Thank You Jesus!” after winning the Super Bowl. Why does God hate him? Who about for marrying wife wife who looks like a sickly deformed bird. Isn’t beastiality against god’s law?

  29. Jim Jones says:

    Fascinating. I thought one of the benefits of Christianity was NOT to be hypocritical? Am I wrong?

    JT
    http://www.FireMe.To/udi

  30. Terry Butcher says:

    Wow sounds like you got it all figured out. But you missed one part. Jesus died for sinners. You know like these guys. What Jesus (God) hates is sin and what it does to His creation. Perhaps someday Love will find you and show you your value is not in de-valuing others. Peace Brothers

  31. Lovely. says:

    Whoever wrote this is an idiot. You obviously do not grasp the message of the Bible. All christians screw up, blatantly sin against God and man. Only through Jesus’ undeserving grace are we able to get forgiveness and repent.

    learn a few things before you start throwing stones.

  32. *sigh* says:

    My oh my, if you think all christians are perfect then im not sure what planet you are living on.

    and im guessing you have never told a lie, cheated, stolen, or “sinned”?

  33. Cory says:

    As you can see, this site’s name is is “HolyTaco.com.” They are clearly doing the Lord’s work. As Jesus once said, “Let him who is without sin, cast the first stone at a website who is casting stones at those who annoy ye.”

    Love the sinning website. Hate the sinner who judges the website.

  34. adbyrd77 says:

    THOU SHALT NOT LIE is not a commandment. at all. Like, really its not even close. Please actually READ the bible before attempting to quote it.

  35. Buddy Ice says:

    Do you know why Jesus hates self-righteous bible thumpers? Because he gave you an asshole for you to rid your waste, however you use it as a cavern to warm your head.

  36. Danerd says:

    Jesus Loves everyone. Sure, maybe us Christians do some bad things, but the Lord still loves us even after we do those.

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe the Bible says Jesus died for our sins and we are forgiven if we accept his gift of eternal life.

  37. Robbie says:

    Everyone is a hypocrite. Even the author of this article. In fact, if the details of his life were being covered by the press, I’m sure we could find some big inconsistencies. No one lives a perfect life. Just because someone does something wrong does not disqualify them from being a Christian or speaking out about it publicly. In fact, the Bible uses many flawed characters (David, “A man after God’s own heart” who was also a murderer and adulterer)to illustrate the point that everyone is sinful and can be forgiven and used by God.

    This article is the typical attempt to justify one’s own shortcomings by tyring to draw attention to the misdeeds of others. Quit worring about everyone else’s behavior and be honest with God about your own.

  38. Конечно! Это точно всем пригодится.

  39. Matthew says:

    Dear Author of this artical,

    I cant tell. Are you a “Christian” or are you against Christians?

    If I had to, (based on the fact that you have no clue what the Bible teaches) I would bet all I have that you arent a Christian but then why write this artical? I mean who cares about the mistakes of other people?…You and I make the same ones all day long.

    Im not a Christian but I do understand their faith and youve completely twisted it in order to prove your own point. God Loves you homey but twisting His words is what really angers Him.

    ( im sure you’ll have some amazing reply but remember, I dont care. The facts are right in front of our face)