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8 of the Most Awesome Things in the World

Comedy thrives on negativity.  Making fun of something is necessarily negative, it takes a negative view of something.  I spend all day on Twitter making fun of Kardashians and Biebers and whatever other stupid thing is afoot.  I just used the pejorative “stupid.”  See?  Negativity abounds.  And the world is negative enough already.  So here is an awesome article of positivity and wonder because you need this kind of shit and so do I. I mean shit in appositive way, like “shit yeah!”

Opening Night at a Highly Anticipated Movie

Last week I saw Evil Dead at its first showing.  There’s a weird kind of nerd pride at being there as soon as is humanly possible to see a new movie you’re excited for.  I saw the Avengers first showing in IMAX 3D as well, and The Hobbit.  Because I’m a movie nerd at heart and I’ve always been that way and I get a pointless thrill out of being there and seeing a movie as soon as I can.  I love the film experience, it’s why I write screenplays for kicks in my spare time.

I love getting an overpriced, massive Dr. Pepper and some peanut M&Ms and showing up ridiculously early to ensure I get the best seat because I am a more adept nerd than the other nerds and they will have to sit in a less optimal seat because I have foiled their plans.

I like being in a crowded room of people and hearing them scream at something terrifying or laugh at something funny and secretly admiring my own self control when a horror movie’s choreographed jumps fail to startle me because I really, really am an adept nerd.  I’ve honed that skill like a champ.

I love what Hollywood can do and it gets criticized, including by me, for making movies like Transformers and Scary Movie 5, but for all the crap there are awesome spectacles you just have to behold, with movie performances, effects and music that create a life long impression.  I love that.  I think a lot of people do.

Front Row Seats

This one’s not for movies.  This is a live show – a comedian, a band, a magician, something where you’re right there experiencing it as though it’s just for you.  It’s fantastic, especially in a large crowd, when you can get swept up in their energy, in the noise and sense of wonder that everyone is experiencing because that’s why you all showed up.  I’ve been right up at the stage to see acts like George Clinton, Green Day, Foo Fighters and dozens more and it’s intense.  You get sweaty, dirty, bruised and exhausted and it’s awesome in every way because you don’t get that anywhere else.  There’s nothing else that compares to a live show, the energy you’ll be a part of, the whole sensory package. It’s the shit, kids.  Woo!


There’s something to be said for the moment you realize the conversation you’re having with a member of the opposite sex just went from casual chit chat to something a little more exciting.  You’re not having sex, you’re not enjoying dinner and a movie, you’re not making out behind the bleachers during the 3rd quarter of a football game, you’re just bandying about a little innuendo, a euphemism or too, some smiles and compliments and lingering glances that would be inappropriate in certain other circumstances.  See that beautiful woman smiling at you in the image above this paragraph?  That’s Jessica Vaugn and I spend hours awkwardly flirting with her online, it’s shameful yet awesome all at once!

What better feeling than being attracted to someone who is reciprocating, that feeling of being wanted and enjoyed and appreciated for who you are and what you can offer?  It may be fleeting or shallow or lead absolutely nowhere, but in that moment it doesn’t even matter.  It’s exhilarating and arousing and awesome and you want it to keep going.  Plus it can sometimes lead to midday boners which, while vaguely embarrassing, are still pretty enjoyable.

The Awesome Force of Nature

I’m not a super worldly fellow but I’ve seen some shit in my day and I’ve seen more pictures of other shit I want to see before the day is done.  Waterfalls crashing into clear, clean pools, a massive lightning storm on a hot day, bears.  Just bears, man.  Have you seen a real, live bear?  Or a tiger?  Some howler monkeys? An army of raccoons running down your street on garbage night?  The world is a wild place and unfortunately we lose a lot of that in cities – we go to restaurants, we stay in houses, we watch TV and write positively-themed but mostly unfunny articles and post them on comedy websites and we miss what it looks like when you’re out in the country and the night is clear and because you’re so far from any lights when you look up at the stars it makes the night sky from a city look like half a sack of crap.  It’s awe inspiring and amazing to see, thousands upon thousands of stars, the actual face of infinity, of a vast, endless universe and it’s always right there.  It’s everywhere.  Hells yeah.

Far Away Places

The coolest thing about the world is that there’s a lot of it.  No matter where you live, there’s a place on the other side of the earth that, to you, is exotic and crazy and new.  There are deserts or forests or jungles or beaches or massive cities or tiny, ancient towns and you could spend a lifetime visiting them all and hopefully you will spend some time if you can.  There’s so many great places, no matter where you live, that have to offer a new and amazing experience for you.  Language, food, culture, scenery, there’s always something out there to experience and that’s pretty great.

The Imagination of an Artist

I have a lot of respect for Guillermo del Toro and Peter Jackson as artists.  Yes, they’re filmmakers but if you can watch The Lord of the Rings trilogy and Pan’s Labyrinth and not be moved by the visual experience they create, then you may not have a real appreciation for art, and that’s a shame.  Or maybe you like a different sort of art, I suppose it’s possible (but weird.  But I’ll allow it, for now), so feel free to sub your artist of choice in here.  A painter, a photographer, a filmmaker, a musician – a true artist can work in whatever medium but create something that stirs feelings in you seemingly from nothing.  And when you feel that, when you experience something so beautiful or amazing that it actually touches the core of who you are, that it actually makes you choke up and feel a kind of emotional response like you’ve never experienced with anything else, you’d be hard pressed to ask for a more fulfilling and awesome experience.

Junk Food

No one really cares that junk food isn’t good for them and even a good number f hyper-vigilant health nuts enjoy a cheat day where they eat crap and you know why they do that?  My God is junk good.  We all know it.   No one avoids junk food because they don’t like it, they train themselves to avoid it for the sake of their health and that’s great and all but man of man does a big, fat juicy hamburger with cheese and bacon taste awesome.  Or chicken wings.  Tacos.   That Dr. Pepper and peanut M&M’s I eat at the movies.  Poutine, man!  Friggin poutine!  Beer and a BBQ’d sausage.  Deep fried cheese.  Sweet Mary Sunshine, that shit is so good.  I want to have you all over for beers and snacks right now.


Call me cheesy if you will but this is going to be my catchall for anything ranging from a smarmy sunset to a hot girl on a water slide to get-your-freak-on sexy sexings.  You love those things and want those things because they’re beautiful and they feel good and screw anyone who wants to live a life that denies themselves of even the simple pleasures because you know what?  If you don’t take pleasure in this life, who the hell ever guaranteed you you’d get a shot at a better one?  That’s a big gamble to take.  I’d just as soon enjoy what I have here and now and try to make the best of every opportunity, enjoy everything and everyone and be happy with who I am and what I’ve done when it’s all over.

Got enough sap pumped up your ass yet?  Yeah, but you probably feel kind of better now, right?  Hope so.  Remember, we have a date for waterslides and chicken wings and beers and movies later.  Plus nudity.  Yeah!

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