Due to the popularity of water bottles and the declining popularity of stairs, the elevator
is becoming the new "water cooler" of the office environment. In the elevator, people engage in very brief conversations about television shows
, office gossip, and how fun it is to stand two feet away from someone and pretend like they’re not even there. Here are 8 people you’ll run into in the office elevator:
Big Important Interview Guy
He’s decked out from head to toe in a professional looking suit, and he’ll try to start a friendly conversation with you in the off chance that you might be some important executive with the company, even though you’re sweaty, smell like chinese food, and are wearing the same clothes you had on yesterday because you went home last night, drank yourself to sleep, then crawled into the office twenty minutes late this morning. You’ll converse amicably with him, but you won’t hear anything he says because you’ll be wondering the whole time if he’s interviewing for your job, and if after he gets your job he’s going to steal your girlfriend and your dog, and if he might eventually just assume your identity and steal your entire life. You’re thinking these things because you’re still a little drunk from last night. Just hold it together, man.
We’ve all been on an elevator with this guy, and there’s a good chance that we’ve also been this guy at some time or another. Therefore, rather than discussing the infinite ways that being in a fart-laden elevator sucks, let’s just talk about the best ways to fart-bomb an elevator: you could just be bold, and let that fart rip in front of everyone onboard, but that’s a quick way to lose friends. Most of the time, a workplace environment requires a more subtle approach. Silent-but-Deadlies are a tried-and-true favorite, but it’s important to remember that, after you rip it, your reaction and body language should reflect that of the people around you. If you’re the only guy on the elevator who’s not watery-eyed and gagging, you’ll give yourself away. When it comes to elevator farts, though, the best technique has to be the "Leave and Let Die", which involves you ripping a huge fart into the elevator right after you’ve gotten off, but before the elevator door has closed, leaving its occupants to suffer in gaseous misery without you.
Every office building has at least one hot chick working there, and statistically speaking, you’ll probably end up riding the elevator with your local office hot chick at some point. She’ll get on the elevator with her sexy, tight business clothes that she thinks make her look more professional, but they really make her look like the first fifteen minutes of a pretty good porno. She’ll smell delicious, probably like some kind of exotic flower or fruit or whatever the f*ck hot chicks spray on themselves to make them smell the way they do. She’ll look at you with that glimmer in her eye that you’re certain means "I want you. Meet me in the 2nd floor bathroom. You know, the one that everyone dumps in." Then she’ll ask you to press the button for the third floor and she’ll start texting someone. But the office hot chick isn’t just your hot chick, she’s everyone’s hot chick. She’s greasy-haired Dave from Accounting’s hot chick. She’s Creepy Brian’s hot chick. She’s even the hot chick of the old guy in the office who you refer to as "Old Balls", and that completely ruins her.
Too Much Cologne Guy
Until you ran into this guy, you probably didn’t realize that some people’s showers drown them in cheap Stetson cologne instead of water every morning, but it’s true. How else could somebody be wearing such an ungodly amount of it? Too Much Cologne Guy is both a blessing and a curse: on the one hand, riding an elevator with him for 30 seconds will make you smell deliciously musky for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, that 30 second elevator ride will probably result in you passing out from excessive olfactory stimulation, and you’ll lose about fifty thousand brain cells in the process. That’s more than five times the amount of brain cells that you’d lose in a normal day, and that’s after only 30 seconds in an elevator with Too Much Cologne Guy. You think that’s bad? Imagine being him. You’d be so low in the brain cell department, you’d probably start showering in cologne, too.
Late For a Meeting Guy
If you run into this guy on the elevator, it would be in your best interests to just avoid any form of interaction with him altogether. He’s frantic and frustrated, and he’ll demonstrate this by swearing under his breath, pounding mercilessly on the elevator buttons, even though they’re already clearly lit up, and checking his watch 15 times in the 25 seconds that he’s on the elevator. He’s completely focused on being an impatient asshole right now, and any effort on your part to alleviate the situation will be met with a sneer and probably a very inappropriate, back-handed insult. It’s best to just let him go and get the next one.
Food Delivery Guy
Sometimes people in your office need to eat food. Apparently that’s something that humans do to survive. One of the ways that people in an office obtain food is by having it delivered from local dining establishments, and occasionally this progression of events will result in you standing in an elevator with a short foreign guy who’s holding a delicious meal that’s not a can of tuna you found on your way to work this morning, and therefore out of your price range. Regardless of when you last ate a meal, being locked in a tiny metal room with this delicious food for any amount of time will invoke an overwhelming urge to devour the gourmet delivery meal like a savage beast, going so far as to murder the meal’s non-english-speaking escort if necessary. Try to resist this urge at all costs.
If anyone is a candidate for taking the stairs, it’s the Fat Guy, but as fate would have it, the fat guy never takes the stairs. Ever. This may be due to the fact that elevators defy the normal laws of physics and are actually able to lift the fat guy, which completely captivates him like a cat with a laser pointer. But the fat guy isn’t satisfied with this; he needs the elevator to be pushed to its limits. He wants to make sure that this elevator’s maximum capacity is reached every single time he rides it. That’s why the fat guy always waits until the elevator is completely packed full of other people before trying to squeeze his bulbous ass onboard. If you’re really lucky, the fat guy and the farter will be the same guy, and you’ll get to experience the non-delicious side of the 4 D’Giorno’s Pizzas he had for dinner last night.
Loud Phone Guy
Who the hell knows where this guy came from. Maybe he was a roadie for a metal band in the ’80′s. Maybe he’s the owner and operator of an old Civil War-era cannon. At first, you’ll think that this is the most normal-sounding deaf guy you’ve ever heard. Then you’ll realize that he’s just an idiot, and he thinks that stepping into an elevator and losing reception means that he’s entered some kind of strange galactic warp zone where the phone on the other end of his call has magically become less-powerful, and he needs to scream every single thing he says to get the message through. Either way, the combination of this guy’s lack of understanding of how phones work, his complete absense of common etiquette, and the acoustics of an elevator make for an incredibly shitty ride for you.