During the course of a night out on the town, a person likes to have a drink, or twenty. And on that voyage, there are some very clear stages you pass through. We decided to outline them for you, so that you could monitor where you're at during the night.
Stage 1: “I Could Go For A Few Beers”
You’ve decided to start the night off right by kicking back a few brews with your friends and relaxing a little. You take the opportunity to catch up on the events of the day, and kill the time until the alcohol kicks in. A hilarious discussion about a topical viral video that everyone watched at work today will kill most of that time, and you also brought up “this crazy episode of House” that you watched earlier in the week, which all of your friends agree was “really crazy.” You and your buddies will waste time with sighs, awkward silences, and funny stories about your youthful days until the booze goes to work.
Stage 2: “This Beer Tastes Awesome”
By now, the alcohol has started to soak into your blood stream. You’re feeling relaxed, loose, and comfortable. Most importantly, that beer you’re drinking has changed. Twenty minutes ago, you almost had to choke it down, but now it tastes absolutely delicious. In fact, you’re pretty sure the bartender did something different to it to make it so delicious. So how do you get more beer? Well, since one of your buddies is already up at the bar, you can just yell at him to get you another! It’ll save you the walk over there, and the other people in the crowded bar won’t mind you yelling your friend’s name over and over. In fact, you don’t even have to use words, once you get his attention. Just point at your glass, then point at him, and raise your eyebrows. If he doesn’t understand, just do the same thing again, but really accentuate the gestures more. If he still doesn’t get it, just start yelling really loudly at him. Whatever you do, don’t just walk across the bar and get it yourself. That would be a waste of time!
Stage 3: “We’re All Doing Shots!”
The only people who willingly swallow a disgusting liquid and then say “oh yeah!” afterwards are drunk people and porn stars. And both usually have a high percentage of ending their night with something stuck in their asshole. During this stage, you usually put your arms around people and say things like “This guy right here…this fuggin guy…this is the guy, right here…” but never actually say anything about that guy. And since no one ever wants to do shots alone, what usually happens is you try and rally your friends to do it by giving them a speech like it’s half time of the Super Bowl and you’re down 27 points. “Come on you guys. Let’s f&*king do this! I’m tired of you guys sitting around being f&^king pussies! You need to step this shit up!”
Stage 4: “A Grizzly Bear Would Kick A Gorilla’s Ass In A Fight.”
Drunk people are like Bill O’Reilly, they have a ton of opinions, and they think if they yell them loud enough, it makes them right. At this point in the night, you’re feeling pretty confident in yourself, and pretty much anything anyone says or does will cause you to start an argument. You basically become a woman on her period, except less bloated. Then you force everyone to take a side in some made up argument like, “Would you rather get a blowjob from a dude, or get boned in the ass by a girl wearing a strap-on?”
Stage 5: “I Am Going To Drink All The Time Every Day Forever.”
Right now you have no idea why you haven't spent your entire life drinking because DRINKING IS TOTALLY AWESOME. Everything rules. All those stupid little problems you had earlier in the day don't matter. In fact, you can't even remember what they were because THIS SONG ON THE JUKEBOX IS THE GREATEST SONG YOU'VE EVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE! Holy shit this is an epic night. You realize how much you really, truly love your friends and, starting tomorrow, you're totally going to start on all those plans you were talking about the last time you went out drinking. Like applying to Grad school, and writing that screenplay and going to the gym five days a week. You're life is going to be different from now on. You're a new man who's going to get shit done. But first, let's get another round and PUT THAT SONG ON THE JUKEBOX AGAIN. In fact, this song is so good, you're going to play this song five times in a row, just so everyone in this bar understands how AWESOMELY EPIC THIS SONG IS. Drinking rules.
Stage 6: “Your Face Is A Stupid Face.”
At this point, you’re “totally fun night out with your friends” turns a corner to become a “dark journey into the recesses of your mind.” You feel the need to voice (loudly) all the problems you have with your friends. You feel it is your duty to bring up anything from an old pal’s tendency to always be late, to a friend’s inability to deal with a childhood molestation. So you climb up on your high horse and find fault with everyone at the table except yourself. Then come the horrible impressions of your friends that just consist of "Hey check me out, I'm mike and I think of other chicks when I'm doing my girlfriend!" meanwhile Mike is standing next to his girlfriend. And when someone tells you to A) Chill out or B) Shut up, you can only respond with petty, verbal attacks that make fun of your friend’s hair/clothes/face. You will spend many hours of the next day saying things like, “Uhh, hey man, I think I said a few things that…ya know, maybe I shouldn’t have. I was pretty bombed. We’re cool, right?”
Stage 7: “This Sidewalk Is Having Some Problems”
For obvious reasons, the night usually comes to a close after Stage 6. So, on your way home, fully blacked out, you realize that pouring buckets of alcohol into your face for seven straight hours actually does have an affect on your ability to stand, walk, and move your limbs. Staggering home to your bed becomes your main focus, but for some reason you find yourself stopping to tell random passersby your thoughts, which consist mainly of, “Whoooooo! The (Insert Favorite Sports Team) are totally gonna WHOOOOO!” Then you usually fall down into someone’s yard and offer a policeman a beer.
Stage 8: “Your…Pudgerdugffffgjjjj…Tell You Some…Farderschmard?”
During this final stage, everything that comes out of your mouth sounds like a cross between Fat Albert’s Mushmouth and Kurt Cobain (after he blew his head off.) You will have no recollection of what you do at this point, but you will stumble around your house eating whatever stale snack foods you have in your cupboard and then fall asleep on your couch while trying to masturbate to late-night infomercials. The next day you will wake up with a dry mouth, a splitting headache and an extremely flaccid penis in your hand (thankfully it’s your own.)
You missed the hooking up with the fat girl part... should have been step 7. And yep, I'll admit it, it's still fun.
Thank the beer Gods for those great beer goggles.
Getting blown buy a dude I guess.. But seriosuly, this is my life, except for step 1 cuz I like the taste of beer, and I know im getting slammed that night anyway..
A strap on is a piece of plastic, and your with a girl already. Getting blown by a dude is fucked cause you would never get the image out of your head. And a Grizzly bear would kill a gorilla
Well, it might be a piece of plastic, but it's a piece of veiny plastic in the shape of a penis and it's doing very penis-like things to your asshole. I'm going blowjob from a dude, because, at the end of the day, I'd rather get a blowjob than get boned in the ass. The real question is, would you rather get a bj from a grizzly or boned in the ass by a gorilla?
This is DEAD ON except for the random night with a stranger part...a stranger whose name you forget, and when you think you're praying quietly to God "Please don't let me have to say his name," you're actually saying it out loud.
That was a rough night.
sounds like every friday and saturday for me for the past 4 years. Thank you holy taco for perfectly explaining my drinking problems. On top of that, we had an arguement talking about whether a hippo or a gorilla would win in a fight (obviously a hippo, wtf right?), and whether having sex with a really hot tranny is actually gay. I proclaimed it was, but apparently most people when under the influence of alcohol think that just because a cock is duct-taped onto the gooch it isnt there. Anyways great article haha. Every guy has experienced all these.
This is pretty close to my stages of Drinking. 1. Feelin good 2. Feelin a bit sloppy. 3. Silliness. 4. Anger. 5. Sadness 6. Crying about Father. 7. More Anger. 8. Bravado 9. Intense Obnoxious Anger. 10. Sleep
I think you forgot number 9-
"Hitting a parked train with your car after telling the bartender you were taking a cab home". This stage usually is only experienced in certain redneck ghettos, and usually related to said bartender while trying to get him to serve you the following evening.
#1 Drunk girls waiting to be kidnapped in stage 7... great pic. Either one is crying... forcing the other to say "fuck this" and pass out pussy up... or the other went "weee" and splayed her vagine... and the other is like, "not again, oh crap."
#2 If a chick fucks you in the ass, that's not gay. If you giggle, that is gay. If a dude blows you, that's not gay. He's gay, but you're not. If you worry if he'll call you the next day... then, that's gay. Seriously they're both gay.
#3 Everyone knows Grizzlies are gorillas in bear suits, except with large talons. Grizzly wins and eats the Gorilla.
I found a great site _______M e e t R i c h . C O M_______ . where you have the opportunity dreaming about dating a millionaire and make it true! I thought everyone needed to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy
I am Hammered drunk and I think that this is an okay article. I will review it in 6 hours for a sober not so idealistic view on alcohol consumption and the moral degradation of our nation. Cheerio!But for now Alcohol consumption is the name of the game!
Angry much are we? WOW find something better to do than disrespecting a person who is entitled to writing a funny article - like, getting an education, getting a job, getting some beer or something else in ur potty mouth!
(143 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
April 21st, 2009 at 01:26 pm
get boned in the ass by a girl wearing a strap-on
for the record
April 21st, 2009 at 01:29 pm
It's only gay if the dude who blows you swallows.
April 21st, 2009 at 02:48 pm
It's not gay if you beat him up afterwards
April 21st, 2009 at 01:36 pm
You missed the hooking up with the fat girl part... should have been step 7. And yep, I'll admit it, it's still fun.
Thank the beer Gods for those great beer goggles.
April 21st, 2009 at 01:36 pm
Stage 5 sounds like a bad trip on shrooms.
That's one.
Two, is that I would totally chow down on the girls pussy in Stage 7.
April 21st, 2009 at 01:36 pm
I trust most of these pics were taken at, or near, the Holy Taco Christmas party?
April 21st, 2009 at 01:37 pm
I keep doing stage 8 wrong. It's never my own, and it's not in my hand.
April 21st, 2009 at 01:38 pm
4 and 5 should be swapped.
other than that: 100% Accurate
April 21st, 2009 at 01:45 pm
Anything that includes getting "boned in the ass" is gayer than any kind of blowjob you get.
April 21st, 2009 at 02:05 pm
any real man knows beer DOES taste good
August 11th, 2009 at 05:49 pm
Amen, brother
April 21st, 2009 at 02:32 pm
Getting blown buy a dude I guess.. But seriosuly, this is my life, except for step 1 cuz I like the taste of beer, and I know im getting slammed that night anyway..
April 21st, 2009 at 02:42 pm
ik ook
April 21st, 2009 at 02:36 pm
agreed with Dom. nothing is gayer than sex with a man. nothing.
April 21st, 2009 at 07:51 pm
pretty sure that is the very definition of gay.
April 21st, 2009 at 02:50 pm
I am not gay! -- you are sticking your boner in a man's mouth. How is that less gay that something involving a woman?
Anyway, it's obviously a lose lose.
April 21st, 2009 at 04:35 pm
Is it gay if you opt for both?
April 21st, 2009 at 02:54 pm
A strap on is a piece of plastic, and your with a girl already. Getting blown by a dude is fucked cause you would never get the image out of your head. And a Grizzly bear would kill a gorilla
April 21st, 2009 at 03:40 pm
I don't know dude, Gorillas are really quick and agile and strong. I say the gorilla breaks the grizzly's neck.
April 21st, 2009 at 03:59 pm
Gorillas FTW ....They are Vegetarians as well.... EAT IT
April 21st, 2009 at 04:59 pm
get a blow job from a grizzly while getting boned in the ass by a gorilla with a strap on.
April 21st, 2009 at 05:08 pm
ouch u must speak from experience
April 21st, 2009 at 08:03 pm
FINALLY my drunken argueement! TO THE BAR!
April 21st, 2009 at 04:13 pm
Well, it might be a piece of plastic, but it's a piece of veiny plastic in the shape of a penis and it's doing very penis-like things to your asshole. I'm going blowjob from a dude, because, at the end of the day, I'd rather get a blowjob than get boned in the ass. The real question is, would you rather get a bj from a grizzly or boned in the ass by a gorilla?
April 21st, 2009 at 02:58 pm
This is DEAD ON except for the random night with a stranger part...a stranger whose name you forget, and when you think you're praying quietly to God "Please don't let me have to say his name," you're actually saying it out loud.
That was a rough night.
April 21st, 2009 at 07:13 pm
Lacey?
...why haven't you returned any of my calls?
April 21st, 2009 at 03:07 pm
Get a blowjob from a guy wearing a strap-on.
April 21st, 2009 at 03:27 pm
who has to almost choke down beer?! jeezus.
April 21st, 2009 at 03:40 pm
It's not get if you don't make eye contact. You can def call no homo.
April 21st, 2009 at 04:58 pm
sounds like every friday and saturday for me for the past 4 years. Thank you holy taco for perfectly explaining my drinking problems. On top of that, we had an arguement talking about whether a hippo or a gorilla would win in a fight (obviously a hippo, wtf right?), and whether having sex with a really hot tranny is actually gay. I proclaimed it was, but apparently most people when under the influence of alcohol think that just because a cock is duct-taped onto the gooch it isnt there. Anyways great article haha. Every guy has experienced all these.
April 21st, 2009 at 05:18 pm
I like those girls in stage 7...do they come with stage 7???
April 21st, 2009 at 05:40 pm
This is pretty close to my stages of Drinking. 1. Feelin good 2. Feelin a bit sloppy. 3. Silliness. 4. Anger. 5. Sadness 6. Crying about Father. 7. More Anger. 8. Bravado 9. Intense Obnoxious Anger. 10. Sleep
April 21st, 2009 at 05:46 pm
I think you forgot number 9-
"Hitting a parked train with your car after telling the bartender you were taking a cab home". This stage usually is only experienced in certain redneck ghettos, and usually related to said bartender while trying to get him to serve you the following evening.
April 21st, 2009 at 05:57 pm
this is hilarious, and frighteningly accurate. that said, i love drinking
April 21st, 2009 at 05:58 pm
#1 Drunk girls waiting to be kidnapped in stage 7... great pic. Either one is crying... forcing the other to say "fuck this" and pass out pussy up... or the other went "weee" and splayed her vagine... and the other is like, "not again, oh crap."
#2 If a chick fucks you in the ass, that's not gay. If you giggle, that is gay. If a dude blows you, that's not gay. He's gay, but you're not. If you worry if he'll call you the next day... then, that's gay. Seriously they're both gay.
#3 Everyone knows Grizzlies are gorillas in bear suits, except with large talons. Grizzly wins and eats the Gorilla.
April 21st, 2009 at 06:44 pm
I found a great site _______M e e t R i c h . C O M_______ . where you have the opportunity dreaming about dating a millionaire and make it true! I thought everyone needed to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy
April 22nd, 2009 at 09:06 am
I found a great site..._______www.fuckyou.com________ where all your spamming needs are met.
April 21st, 2009 at 08:49 pm
"Twenty minutes ago, you almost had to choke it down"
What the hell are you talking about.
April 22nd, 2009 at 04:21 am
Yeah what? Beer tastes delicious unless it's crap beer like natty light or something.
April 22nd, 2009 at 08:46 am
ya i prefer keystone over natty
April 21st, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Is it gay if you think the blowjob from the dude was lousy? Or is it gayer if you think the girl was taking it easy on you with the strap-on?
April 21st, 2009 at 10:44 pm
This was shit. A waste of an article by an author who didn't know his material.
April 21st, 2009 at 11:23 pm
I am Hammered drunk and I think that this is an okay article. I will review it in 6 hours for a sober not so idealistic view on alcohol consumption and the moral degradation of our nation. Cheerio!But for now Alcohol consumption is the name of the game!
April 21st, 2009 at 11:34 pm
JEBEM VAM MAJKU SVIMA U TRI PIČKE MATERINE !!! OSTAVITE PIJANCE PIČKA LI VAM MATERINA
April 21st, 2009 at 11:49 pm
Go, go, go, Balkan, go :-)
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:22 am
FUCK YOUR MOTHER MOTHERFUCKER!
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Angry much are we? WOW find something better to do than disrespecting a person who is entitled to writing a funny article - like, getting an education, getting a job, getting some beer or something else in ur potty mouth!
April 22nd, 2009 at 01:14 am
U...jeben mamu cetnicima, baci bombu goni bandu bradatu, e da mi je vas malo opet brijati s izbrijavanjem...U
April 22nd, 2009 at 02:43 am
Written by someone who has apparently never been drunk... you should try it some time.
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:06 am
U APPARENTLY DON'T DO IT RIGHT!
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